CHAPTER 6
Alicia
The funeral was large and loud. When we stepped inside the church, I immediately spotted ten cousins and four second cousins. They all crammed the middle of the aisle, talking boisterously. It almost looked more like a gathering for a wedding rather than a funeral.
My mother led the way down the aisle, squeezing her way between relatives and stopping to say hello as she went. I, on the other hand, kept my head down, knowing avoiding eye contact was the best way to get through without someone…
“Alicia?!” A voice yelled from a few feet away. Everyone in the vicinity immediately fell silent. “Alicia, you came!”
I turned to see my cousin Megan hurrying toward me. She engulfed me in a bone-crushing hug before pulling away and holding onto my arms as she looked me up and down. “Ugh, you look gorgeous!” she said. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. You always were the pretty one.”
“Thanks Meg. You look great too. How long has it been?”
“Six years!” she half-yelled. “Can you believe that?”
“No.” I shook my head and glanced around me. I caught Allie’s eye, trying to silently convey that I needed help, but she just laughed and made her way into a pew with the kids. I could have killed her.
“So what have you been up to? Still in New York? How are things? Are you still a paralegal or something like that?”
“A lawyer, yes. I’m still—”
“Oh no!” Megan interrupted. “Looks like they’re about to start. We better sit.” She hurried away in a blur, and I turned around to make my way over to Allie.
When I sat down, I shoved my shoulder hard against hers.
“Ouch,” she said.
“I can’t believe you just left me with her!” I hissed under my breath.
“You looked like you were doing fine.”
“I hate you,” I told her again.
She chuckled. “You might want to be careful with your hatred today. I could be next, you now?” She gestured toward the casket at the front of the church.
“Drama queen,” I mumbled.
***
During the funeral, I finally realized how sad I actually felt about Uncle Jimmy. It may have been a decade since I last saw him, but when the eulogies were read, I remembered everything I loved about him and it didn’t take long for my tears to start flowing. Allie held my hand, all of our bickering forgotten.
After everyone moved to the cemetery to watch as Uncle Jimmy was lowered into the ground, we piled into cars and drove through town toward Kellan’s Pub. Uncle Jimmy’s one request was an Irish wake and the Joppas were nothing if not accommodating to the dead.
Kellan’s was decked out in pictures of Uncle Jimmy. Every inch of bare wall was covered with his face. I shook my head and went straight for the bar. Grabbing two pints, I claimed a table with Allie and we raised our glasses in honor of our uncle.
“He was a good uncle,” Allie said.
“He was a little pervy though,” I reminded her.
“But good all the same.”
“Yeah,” I agreed sadly. “He was.”
“I know I already said it,” Allie began, “but I’m really glad you’re here, Alicia.”
“You’re just happy to have someone else around to incur Mom’s wrath.”
“I’m serious,” Allie said and then took a swig of her beer. “We miss you when you’re not around.”
“She’s right.” Jordan, Allie’s husband, pulled up a chair beside his wife.
“Where are the kids?” I asked with a nervous glance behind me.
“I set them up on the patio,” he said. “They’re good for a few hours.”
I nodded and took another swig of my beer. I had forgotten how good beer from Kellan’s tasted.
“Even Mom and Dad talk about it,” Allie continued. “Things just aren’t the same without you.”
“Is she drunk already?” I joked, looking at Jordan.
“Nope.” He laughed. “Just sentimental. It happens when you turn thirty.”
Allie slapped Jordan’s arm playfully and rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “I won’t gush over how much I miss my little sister or how badly Mom and Dad want her to move back. If it bothers you guys that much, I’ll just go check on the kids.”
“No,” I said quickly. “Allie, I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to make fun of you.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I miss you guys, too,” I said sincerely.
“Do you really?” Allie asked.
“Of course. You’re my family.”
“Then why don’t you ever come home?”
“Al…” Jordan warned.
“You know why,” I said softly. “It’s hard for me, being back here…”
“But it doesn’t have to be,” Allie insisted. “The more you come back, the easier it’ll become.”
“I don’t want it to be easy. I like my life in New York.”
“Do you?”
“Allie,” I said, her skepticism starting to annoy me, “don’t you remember how long I spent thinking up plans for my life? By the time I was fifteen, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.”
“I remember,” Allie said.
“So, aren’t you the least bit happy for me?”
“Of course, I am. I just don’t think you’re happy.”
“What does that mean?” I asked defensively, even though the last thing I wanted was to fight with my sister.
“It means that you’re drowning, Alicia.”
“Drowning?”
“You flit from relationship to relationship, never settling down. You work crazy hours and—”
“I have a job! So what?”
“That job is not your entire life, or at least it shouldn’t be.”
“And you think I don’t know that?” I snapped.
“I think you’re scared,” Allie said bluntly.
“Scared? Scared of what?”
“Of living.”
I fell silent and leaned back in my chair. As annoyed as I was, I couldn’t find it in me to argue with Allie anymore. She’d hit on a touchy subject that I didn’t want to explore. It was bad enough having to picture Zane’s face; I didn’t think I could handle having a conversation about him.
Concerned, Jordan sat beside Allie. He’d worried about me from the time I was a little girl and he and Allie had first started dating. He was a good brother-in-law, and a good husband to my sister. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to ignore my sister entirely and focus only on him.
“Jordan,” I said pointedly, “how’s work going?”
“Oh,” he said. He glanced at Allie, who shook her head and sighed. “It’s really good.” He launched into how wonderful business had been lately. The repair shop he owned was the only one in town, so it wasn’t like he had any competition. Still, it was his pride and joy. He loved that shop almost as much as he loved his family. It was his goal in life to pass it down to his sons when they grew up.
I listened to the rise and fall of Jordan’s voice, not catching every word but happy to listen to him. Despite what Allie thought, I did miss being in Savage. It was nice to see her and Jordan, my cousins, and even Aunt Ira. As much as I hated to admit it, I was even happy to see my parents. There was only one thing keeping me away from Savage, and it had nothing to do with my family.
The door clanged open behind me and I turned around instinctively. I expected to see another relative or family friend walk through the door and grab a pint, but instead my eyes fell on a familiar face.
The exact face I had been picturing just moments before.
Zane walked into the pub, his eyes scanning the room. He looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. Stronger. His muscles threatened to tear apart his suit coat and his tie seemed too tight around his neck. Still, he looked handsome. More than handsome. My eyes roamed over his body and face, glad that he hadn’t seen me yet. I felt glued to my chair. I wanted to run before he saw me, but I couldn’t. My entire body felt heavy.
“What is he doing here?” I heard a voice ask, but it took me a minute to realized it was mine.
“I don’t know…” Allie said, but her words were lost as Zane’s eyes finally found mine. We stared at each other for a fraction of second before my body suddenly felt light and I jumped to my feet. Without a word, I ran toward the back of the pub and disappeared into the alleyway out back.
I didn’t stop running until I was several streets away, breathing heavily. My heart raced and my forehead dripped with sweat, but I didn’t care. I sat down on a curb and put my head between my knees.
Just breathe. You’re being ridiculous, I told myself.
Why was Zane at Kellan’s? Why would he show up to the wake? Was it to see me, or was it to see…
I sat up and shook my head roughly. I had to pull myself together. When Allie accused me of being scared to live, she was right. I didn’t want to admit it, but I couldn’t ignore it. Ever since Zane broke my heart, I’d been hiding, terrified of everything.