Chapter 10
Tyler’s prayer as he studied his lines was that God would write the words on his heart so he wouldn’t forget them. This was Danny’s film, Danny’s testimony, and he wanted to do it justice as well as glorify God.
In early October when they transitioned into the scenes of Danny living on the streets of Chicago, Tyler found himself calling most of the cuts. Lucas reclined in his chair, arms crossed, half his mouth turned up in a smile.
“You haven’t said much lately,” Tyler told Lucas one afternoon at lunch.
“Because you’re saying it all.” Lucas wiped his mouth. “Maybe I didn’t explain when I asked you to assist me. What I really meant was you direct and I’ll sit back and watch.”
Shaking his head, Tyler stared at his sandwich. “You didn’t, because if you had, I might not have agreed to it.”
“You got this, Tyler. Being a director takes part talent, part experience with films, and a whole lot of determination.”
“Don’t forget faith and prayer.” Tyler bit into his sandwich. “Most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Well, the great thing about directing is every picture is different. Different scenery, different emotion, different talent. It’s ever-changing and your job as a director is to change with it.”
“Super.” Tyler wiped his mouth. “So you’re saying I’ll never know what I’m doing?”
“Pretty much,” Lucas laughed.
The end of October came faster than she expected. Joyce spread the word to churches in the area about Lauren sharing about depression. Lauren had no idea how many would attend, but each week dozens of people approached her on Sunday and at Bible study to say they were looking forward to hearing her. She hadn’t practiced it since she wrote it over a month before, so when David went down for his afternoon nap, she took her laptop to the family room.
Less than halfway through reading what she wrote, frustration grew within her. The scriptures were there, her personal struggles and God’s healing were there, but something was missing. The organization seemed off. It didn’t flow. It felt like nothing more than a story.
Placing her laptop on the coffee table, Lauren collapsed on the sofa. “God, it needs to be more than a testimony.” She rubbed her temples. “I want to show Your power. How You broke the stronghold. I want to teach people how, but I don’t know...”
Taking a deep breath, she shifted her eyes above the TV.
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
She closed her eyes and took another cleansing breath. “Lord, give me the exact words to say. It’s not about me, but about You.”
Praise music streaming from her laptop quieted her anxious thoughts. With each breath peace came upon her. One song rolled into another, each ushering her into a deeper worship.
Then it came. Not several words, but one.
FIGHT.
Fight. Deep breath. Fight? Lauren sat up, grabbing her laptop from the coffee table. She typed FIGHT in all caps at the top of a new page. As soon as she did, each letter expanded into a phrase in her mind.
Forget the lies.
Identify the triggers.
Give thanks.
Hold tight to the truth.
She paused with a smile before typing the last one.
Tell others.
Returning to the top of the page, she added the title—A Christian’s FIGHT Against Depression.
Happy Saturday.
The text from Lauren arrived at nine a.m. Though his body ached and feet throbbed, he smiled.
“How are you?” he asked when she answered her phone.
“I’m good. I didn’t mean to bother you. I only wanted to say good morning.”
“No bother.” Tyler yawned. “You’re the best part of my day so far.”
“Then you must not have had your coffee yet,” Lauren laughed.
“Just woke up. I was trying to get out of bed, but my feet won’t let me.”
“Long day yesterday?” Lauren asked.
“We didn’t wrap until after ten.” Tyler sat up. “But I have two days off. How about coming over today? Maybe we can go swimming. My weather app says it should be in the high 80s.”
“David can’t swim.” Lauren smirked. “He’s too little.”
“He can float. Splash. We can hold him. It’s like a bathtub, only intensified.”
“I don’t know—”
“Bring his portable crib. He can sleep in the shade outside while we hang out.” Tyler paused. “Unless you’re busy.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You need to get out of the house for more than church.”
Lauren took a deep breath. “We’ll come over after his twelve-o’clock feeding.”
“Hello!” Lauren called, opening the front door.
“In the kitchen.” Tyler continued molding hamburger patties.
“I brought fruit.” Lauren placed a platter on the table. “I wanted chocolate, but I’m working on making good choices.”
Tyler chuckled, glancing over his shoulder. The sight of her in a sundress with her bathing suit underneath sent his heart racing. “That’s a very healthy choice.” He shifted his attention back to the meat. “I was making hamburgers for lunch or dinner. Whichever you want.”
“Probably dinner.” She placed David, buckled in his infant car seat, on the floor. “He should be out for a couple hours. We could swim first if you want.”
Her voice lacked enthusiasm, seemed distant. Finishing the last patty, he washed his hands. “How are you?”
“I’m doing okay.”
Slipping the plate of patties into the fridge, he sat across from her. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” Lauren gently rocked David’s carrier with her foot. “I finished my speech yesterday.”
Tyler searched her face. Is she upset? Depressed? “And?”
“I started practicing it, what I wrote when Joyce asked me in September. I read it through. Something was off, so I prayed. I prayed God would be in control and show me what He wants me to say.”
“Did He?”
She stopped rocking David. “I rewrote it.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“It was only my testimony with scripture thrown in, not the teaching it should be. I mean, I know God didn’t take me through all this simply to have a nice testimony. I feel like He wants to shows others how to win their own struggle.” She shook her head. “It was crazy. He gave me the word FIGHT. From that came all the steps. Forget the lies. Identify the triggers.” She raised a finger with each point. “Give thanks. Hold tight to the Truth. Tell others.”
“Wow.” Tyler leaned forward. “That’s it. That’s what you did.”
Folding her hands in front of her, she leaned forward. “I typed faster than I ever have, trying to keep up. It was like the words were coming directly from Him, not from me.” Dropping her gaze, her leg began to shake. “Then I read it.”
“And?”
Lifting her eyes, Tyler saw tears forming. “I cried through most of it, realizing the pain He carried me through, the weight of the sadness and darkness I experienced.”
Tyler couldn’t help but reach across the table and take her hand.
“It didn’t pull me into depression, but stirred up compassion for myself. I was sad it took me so long to release it to Him and seek His healing. I realize how it hurt His heart. Then an overwhelming compassion built inside me for others who struggle. I started praying for them. Praise music was playing. The song was about His glory, how we’ll never be the same.” She paused, closing her eyes and inhaling deeply.
Tyler studied her face. It seemed so different. So peaceful. Like nothing he’d seen before.
She opened her eyes. “Suddenly, I was on my knees and God was there, showing me everything He’s done in my life. How He sat beside me as I struggled, refusing to reach out to Him. How He still loved me in my sin and desired for me to repent. How in the hardest, darkest nights He wrapped His arms around me, sent His angels to guard me.” The tears began. “I saw His Word coming true in my life. His presence was so strong, stronger than I’ve ever felt. Stronger than in Moscow, or when Adam was dying, or in my hospital room the night before David was born. He showed me how He broke my chains of bondage when Jesus died on the cross. I just needed to come to the point of believing it, wholly trusting Him.” A smile spread across her lips though tears rolled down her cheeks. “Then God told me He wants to do the same for all the people who will come to hear me speak. For all the people who struggle like I did.”
A chill came over him. Staring into her eyes, he saw it. Radiance. She’s radiant from her experience with the Lord.
“I found myself covering my face, like Moses when God passed before him. God’s glory was all around me. It was too much. I couldn’t…” She raised her hands over her eyes. “I couldn’t handle it. His goodness, His glory, His love, it was too much.”
All he could do was stare at her. God, she’s so beautiful. You’ve made her so beautiful.
Lauren lowered her shaking hands, rubbing them on her sundress. “I’ve never been so scared and excited at the same time. I feel so wrecked, yet totally alive. I have no confidence in myself, but complete confidence in Him.”
Adam came to Tyler’s mind, the day the church opened. He played worship with such passion, his head either down or raised toward heaven. Tyler had seen him play for years, but never like that. Something was different. He wasn’t performing, he was pouring his life and heart out to the King. He was being used by God to fulfill His purpose.
“That’s how Adam lived,” Lauren spoke. “I saw it, but didn’t understand. Until now.” She locked eyes with him. “Is that crazy?”
“Not at all.” Tyler shook his head. “It’s beautiful.”
“Most people won’t understand it.” She frowned. “They’d call me a freak.”
“And they’d be right.” A grin crept across Tyler’s face. “You are a Jesus freak.”
Lauren nodded. “Yes, I am. I am.”
They swam while David slept in the shade. Tyler couldn’t take his eyes off her—not only because of her gorgeous body. Her Spirit seemed different. He saw a release in her after she was healed from depression. Now he saw a growth as she asked him about his life, talked about God working in others, and what she was believing Him for.
“Swimming is great exercise.” Lauren switched from freestyle to back float. “Maybe I need to come over several times a week. It’s time to get back into shape.”
“Anytime, but you don’t need to.” Tyler began floating beside her. “You look great.”
“Oh, please. I’m two sizes above what I was before David was born, which was a size larger than when I married Adam.”
“Yet you’re more beautiful today than seven years ago.”
“Right.” Rolling onto her stomach, she swam to the far edge of the pool.
Diving under the water, he sped off, reaching the edge as she did.
“I’m serious,” Tyler said after wiping the water from his face.
“I appreciate your flattery, but I own a mirror.” Grabbing a towel off the patio chair, she began drying herself. “I’m not being prideful, but realistic. I ate a few too many chocolate chip bagels and orders of carne asada nachos when I was pregnant. Time to work them off.”
“People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” Tyler climbed out of the pool.
Lauren threw him a towel. “I’m completely aware of that.”
Beginning at his head, Tyler dried himself. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
“I appreciate your support.” Wrapping the towel around her waist, she walked over to check on David. “Did you memorize those for me?”
God, now that she’s seen You for who You are, help her to see herself as You do, Tyler silently prayed as he followed her. Help her to see Your light that shines through her.
She gazed at David, sound asleep in the shade of the umbrella beside the table. God, I don’t regret having him, but I’d like my body back. She could sense Tyler standing behind her, but she couldn’t face him. I’m not being vain—
“You’re perfect the way you are.”
Chills made their way up her arms. How many times had Adam said similar words through the years? Lauren knew Adam spoke them in sincerity, but deep in her heart she never believed him. Swallowing the growing lump in her throat, Lauren turned. Tyler stared into her face, not at her body. His eyes locked on hers, peering into her soul.
You know you’re not, the thoughts hissed. You’re so overweight it’s ridiculous. You’re no longer beautiful, but an overweight, exhausted mother.
Inhaling, she allowed Tyler’s words to resonate in her mind rather than the lies. “Thank you.” She forced a smile.
“Do you believe that?” Tyler asked.
“I’m trying to.” God, help me to believe it.
He nodded. “I’ll accept that. For now.”