Chapter 27
For a week Lauren carried her verse cards in her pocket, quoting them aloud whenever her soul felt overwhelmed. Shelly called daily, as she had the year before. She usually didn’t ask how Lauren was until several minutes into their conversation.
“I’m hanging in there,” Lauren said on the twenty-second of January. “We leave in the morning.”
“Tyler and your Dad are going?” Shelly asked.
“Yeah. It should be good. We’ll be gone four days.”
“Is it snowing?”
“Not yet. Forecast says in two days.”
“But you’re okay?” Shelly asked again. “Because I’m kind of a mess, so I can’t imagine how you are.”
“I have my moments, but God gives me the verses I need. Like today.” She removed an index card with a verse written on it from her pocket. “It’s Hebrews 12: 1-2. ‘And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.’”
“That’s a good one.”
“I’m running my race.” Lauren rubbed the card between her fingers. “Eyes fixed on Him, believing my joy is within reach.”
Tyler fasted the day before they left for the mountains. He prayed for her peace, her complete healing from the pain of loss, and her faith to continue to soar. Yet even as he prayed, there grew an uneasiness in his soul. Halfway through the day he picked up his Bible with a prayer. “Lord, You know my anxious heart. Reveal what’s in me, what I need to do, what I need to know.”
He ended up reading in Hebrews. In chapter four, verses 14-16 struck something within him.
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
Approach God with confidence, to receive mercy and grace. Tyler underlined the words in his Bible as a different scripture rolled around in his head.
Whatever you ask. Whatever you ask…
Conducting a search in his Bible app, Mark 11:24 came up. Tyler started reading in verse 22. “Then Jesus said to the disciples, ‘Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, “May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,” and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.’”
God, how can I ask that? Do I have any right—
Have faith in God—
His heart raced. God, I want to believe, but—
But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.
God, I don’t want to mishear You—
—you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.
“Lord, I want Lauren to be my wife,” Tyler prayed aloud. “I want to spend the rest of my life with her.” He paused. “With them. I love David as much.” He took a deep breath. “Make her mine, God. Show me when and how to reveal my love to her and I will.”
It’s going to be a miserable weekend. The attack came as she started to pack. Freezing, wet, depressing—
“I’m thankful for clothes one size smaller that fit.” Lauren grabbed jeans and sweaters from their hangers, folded them and stacked them in her suitcase.
You’ll be there, in HIS cabin, without him. How will you sleep—
She opened her pajama drawer and removed two pair. “I’m thankful for toasty pajamas and fuzzy socks to keep me warm at night.”
A rattling sound caused her to turn to David. Happy in his walker by her vanity, he knocked his bumblebee rattle with his hand.
“Are you thankful for fuzzy socks?” She dangled them in front of David’s face. He giggled, batting at them. “You’re thankful for anything you can chew, right?” She smiled when his laughter continued. “I’m thankful for you.”
Her phone announced a text from Beth. Love you girlfriend. Praying for you.
Thus begins all the sympathies that will only pull you down, remind you—
Lauren inhaled. “I’m thankful for friends and their prayers.”
Prayers can’t stop the hurt—
Psalm 139:5-6 caught her eyes as she tossed her toiletries into her bathroom case.
“You hem me in—”
Because you’re falling apart. A year ago you lost everything—
“You hem me in behind and before,” Lauren repeated louder, “and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”
“Are we playing guess that passage?” Tyler entered her bedroom. “I know this one. Psalm 139.”
“Yes.” Lauren zipped her bathroom case. “What comes next?”
“Ummm.” Tyler rolled his eyes up. “Search me God and know my heart?”
“That’s at the end. ‘Where can I go from your Spirit?’”
“Right.” Stopping beside her, he thought for a minute. “‘Where can I go from your presence?’ Then David lists all the places. ‘Even the darkness is not dark to you, the night shines like day.’”
“Very good.” Lauren smiled.
“Done with this?” Tyler grabbed her toiletry bag.
“Yes.” Lauren zipped up the suitcase on her vanity stool. “And this. All I need to do is pack for David.”
“Great. I’ll load them.” He patted David’s head before taking the bag. “I’ll be back in a few. Keep quoting.”
Lauren lifted David. “I’m thankful for him, too,” she whispered.
Watching Lauren nod off beside David in the backseat once they entered the freeway, Tyler realized it might be the perfect time to have a conversation with Richard. Out of respect he wanted to talk to Richard before revealing his feelings to Lauren. God, if I should say something, give me the opportunity.
The third time Tyler peered at them in the mirror, Richard spoke. “They’re pretty adorable, aren’t they?”
“They are.” He took a deep breath. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. I guess now is a good time.”
Richard nodded. “They’ll both be out for at least an hour. Lauren always did love her naps. Do you have a ring yet?”
Shock replaced Tyler’s nervousness. “No.”
“You’ll wait until after Valentine’s Day?” Richard’s question seemed more like a statement.
“Definitely. Until after their anniversary at least.” Tyler’s eyes shifted from the road to him. “You know?”
A smile spread across Richard’s face. “Only one other man has loved and respected my daughter as much as you do. I gave him my permission to marry her over seven years ago. It was three months before he proposed, but Adam said he wanted to speak to me first.”
“That’s how I feel.” Tyler glanced at Lauren then her father. “Do you think she knows?”
“Deep down, yes. I think the accident helped her realize her love for you.”
“I’ve been thinking that, too. I guess God worked that out for good. When I returned from Africa and started meeting with Pastor Max, he encouraged me to make sure Lauren was relying on God. I’ve been there emotionally and spiritually, but took a step back physically. Well, until she was in the hospital.”
“I noticed.” Richard opened the container of trail mix that sat between them. “Smart move. She is more independent in the Lord, more secure.”
“I’ve thought so.” Tyler took a small handful when Richard offered it to him.
“She’s also found her peace in the Lord.”
“That’s what I wanted.” Tyler wiped salt from the mix on his jeans. “I’ve been praying for the perfect time. When it comes, He’ll let me know.”
“He will.”
Tyler adjusted the mirror to see David. Adorable with his lips puckered, Tyler had to smile. “Crazy how much I love him and he’s not even mine.”
“Never think that way.” Richard replaced the lid on the container. “God is sovereign. David may be Adam’s biological child, but you’re the father God chose to raise him.”
That familiar knot in his stomach returned. The one that emerged every time he dwelled on thoughts of being more than friends with her. “Sometimes I think I’ve wanted to be with her for so long that I look for evidences that aren’t there.”
“Like her calling you daily, going to lunch after church every Sunday, having dinner with you several times a week? Or wanting to spend all the holidays together and asking you out on New Year’s?”
“Something like that.”
“Be patient.” Half Richard’s mouth turned up in a grin when he stared at Lauren. “If there’s one thing I know about my daughter it’s that she needs to come to terms with it on her own.”
“Like her depression?”
His mouth shifted down. “Yes.” He turned back to Tyler. “Is she really healed?”
“She is. Satan still tries to trip her up, but she realizes it. She’s learned how to fight and knows she wins by standing on His Word. I caught her quoting Psalm 139 when I went to get her bags.” He faced Richard. “You should hear her testimony. It’s powerful.”
“I should. I know I need to forgive myself, but it’s hard to hear her talk about it. She suffered for so many years and I had no idea.”
Tyler patted his shoulder. “God is using it for His glory and has worked it out for her good. He’s using her to save people’s lives. It’s amazing to see.”
Richard smiled. “I’m thankful she has you. It would be a blessing to call you my son.”
Tyler bit his lip. “Thanks, Richard. That means a lot to me.”
Waking when they pulled off the freeway, with each twist and turn of the mountain road anxiety crept into her mind. By the time the cabin came into view, Lauren felt as if she couldn’t breathe.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me, Lauren quoted the scripture in her mind.
The last time you came, Adam was beside you, holding your hand, Satan’s demon whispered. This is going to be the worst week of your life.
She closed her eyes as Tyler parked. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain, Lauren continued quoting scripture in her mind. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? She opened her eyes. God, I know you’re here with me—
If God was with you, you wouldn’t be in so much pain.
“Wow, look at all those windows.” Tyler slipped off his sunglasses and put on his regular ones. “I love the new front.” He and her dad climbed out of the car.
“If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there,” Lauren whispered as she unbuckled David. “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”
Stretching, David opened his eyes.
“Hi, buddy. We’re here.”
Her chest began to tighten again as they approached the front door.
Here you are, surrounded by all these memories. The memories that will pull you down into the pit of depression—
“The renovations look great.” Tyler emerged from one of the guest rooms. “I haven’t seen it since you guys remodeled. How long has it been?”
“Three years.” Walking to the large picture windows, she bounced David as he began to fuss. She gazed into the woods. “Adam knew how much I loved the forest, especially when it snows.”
“A front row seat to God’s creation, just for my Angel,” he had told her when they approved the plans.
“Great furniture.” Tyler dropped down in the middle of the brown sectional. “Those old ones were really bad. I think they actually came with the cabin. They were so rustic, Adam didn’t want to change them.”
“We need to make sure we fit perfectly.” Adam pulled her down on the sofa in the store. At his insistence, they spooned, sat on either end with feet meeting in the middle, and lastly she laid with her head in his lap. “We even have room for a kid or two,” he said, running his fingers through her hair.
God, why am I here? This was an awful idea. There are too many memories. Lauren glanced down at her left hand, her empty ring finger. He’s gone. I’m all alone.
David’s whimpering escalated to crying, breaking her trance.
“Do you think he’s hungry?” her dad asked.
“Probably.” Lauren rubbed his back and kissed his head. “I’ll go to my room. Do you guys mind unloading the bags and the groceries?”
“Not at all.” Tyler jumped into action.
The tears began when she opened the door to the master bedroom. The room they designed together. For weeks they looked at pictures, discussed themes.
“What’s the big deal?” Lauren asked one day after going through two catalogues of pictures. “You’ve had a designer do the rest of the house.”
“It’s our bedroom,” Adam replied. “I want it to be everything that you love.”
From the rustic, hand-carved furniture to the gray and pink down comforter and pillows, she loved it all. As a surprise he had the painters scroll a quote from Hamlet on the wall.
Doubt that the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.
She ran her fingers over it, remembering when he first quoted it. Her twenty-fifth birthday, two months after they were married. They strolled down the beach after having the best Italian food—
You won’t survive another year, the enemy’s lies echoed her deepest fear. You barely made it through this one.
David’s cry reminded her of the task at hand. Kicking off her boots, she climbed onto the bed.
“‘If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you.’” Lauren kissed away David’s tears. “‘The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.’ God is with us, huh, little guy? We’ll get through this.”
Once David started nursing, she played Romans 8 on her phone. Chapter nine had just begun when her dad knocked.
“Come in.” She paused the Bible.
“Hey, pumpkin. Here’s your suitcase.” He paused as he set it on the hope chest at the end of the bed. “Is this your old one? The one Mom gave you?”
“It is. We moved it up here after we got married. The guy who did the woodwork for the bedroom sanded and stained it.”
“Your mom loved this chest.” He ran a hand over it. “She was so excited to pass it on to you when you turned fourteen.” Leaning the portable crib against the wall, he sat at her feet. “Do you want to talk?”
“I keep thinking it’ll be easier, that I’m okay. Then memories come like a flood, overwhelming me, reminding me of how much I miss him.” A lump in her throat caused her to pause. “It’s so hard, Dad.”
“Oh, honey, it’ll be hard for a long time, but it is easier than it was before, isn’t it?”
“Sometimes.” Lauren surveyed the room. “Maybe it was a mistake to come here.”
“No, it wasn’t. You need to face all the places that were yours and allow memories to come.” Her dad rubbed her leg. “I know it’s difficult, but that’s where you’ll find healing. Remember how your mom and I would go away every year for our anniversary?”
“Yeah.” Putting David over her shoulder, she patted his back to burp him.
“Two years after she passed, I went to the bed and breakfast we always stayed at. I walked along the beach, ate in the restaurant we loved, collected shells.” He smiled. “That was always her favorite thing to do.”
“I know.” Lauren grinned.
“I cried occasionally, but I remembered all the happy times—her laughter, our conversations, our love.” Tears welled in his eyes. “You need to remember all that so you can let him go.”
Lauren bit her lip. “I don’t know that I want to. I still love him, Dad. How can I let him go? You still love Mom. You’ve never even dated.”
He frowned. “Oh, pumpkin, I let go of your mother years ago. I still love her and always will. I hold the sweet memories of our marriage in my heart, but I let go of needing her.” He rubbed her foot. “I don’t know that God has another love for me, but if He does, He’ll bring her to me like He did your mother. I don’t need to date or look.” He smiled at David’s deep burp. “This is my season to be Grandpa. Though it may be selfish, I don’t want to share that little guy with anyone.”
Lauren kissed David on top of the head and moved him to sit on her lap leaning against her. “You’d consider marrying again?”
“Of course, if it’s God’s will. You should, too. You’ll always love Adam, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else. You know how much you love David?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him the same that you did Adam?”
“No. It’s different, but I still love him completely.”
“That’s how it will be with your next husband. You’ll love him completely, but in a different way.” He stood. “Don’t be afraid of the memories. That’s why we’re here this week. To talk about them and start to let go. Not of the love, but of the need. Letting go of the need helps you continue to move forward. That’s what God wants.”
She leaned forward, kissing his cheek. “Thanks, Dad.”
“How are you?” Tyler asked, placing pasta in the cupboard when she sat at the table with David.
Lauren set her verse cards on the table. “Standing. Well, sitting, but standing on His Word.”
David reached for her cards.
“I’ll take him.” Tyler approached her.
“No.” She tightened her grip on him. “No, he’s fine.” She pushed her verses out of his reach.
“Tacos for dinner sound good?” He held up tortillas.
“Sure.”
“Love the new countertops and appliances. Especially the shelf for your ice cream.”
Lauren chuckled. She remembered opening the freezer after it was delivered. Adam had a custom sign made for the top shelf that read Reserved for Angel’s Ice Cream. “Too bad I don’t have anything for the shelf.”
“Don’t you worry. I took care of it.” Tyler winked at her.
He always takes such good care of me, she thought. She watched him organize the meat, cheese, and other perishables in the fridge.
“How’s your head been?” His glasses served as a reminder of what she almost lost.
“No issues today.” He pushed his glasses back. “Apparently I did okay driving since you both slept almost the entire way.”
When the image of his destroyed Corvette came to mind, she focused on his face. No more black eye, the cuts gone. Proof that he was okay. “You do your exercises this week?”
“Yes, ma’am. Went to the eye doctor yesterday. Next week we talk about phase three.” Tyler lifted a deck of cards from the groceries. “How did those get in there?”
Catching the rectangular box when he tossed it to her, Lauren set them on the table. David immediately grabbed them, trying to fit them in his mouth. Pulling them from him, she rubbed the box between her fingers. How many nights did Adam and I stay up late playing cards, sometimes laughing until we cried?
“Dr. De Luca said playing cards is great therapy, especially high speed games like Speed or Slam. You up to letting me beat you at cards tonight?”
“I’m still pretty tired.” She slid the deck to the far end of the table. “I probably need to turn in early.”
Concern escalated in Tyler all evening for her. A distant look in her eyes, Lauren kept David by her side or in her arms. She barely spoke at dinner and headed to feed David and go to bed at six thirty. Richard stayed up for another hour before turning in. Tyler watched a movie and then started reading the study he and Danny were doing on purity. Originally he agreed to it for Danny’s sake, but as he and Lauren got closer, he realized he needed scripture and techniques to stand against temptation.
The master bedroom door popped open after ten p.m. She shuffled across the floor wearing fuzzy socks, flannel pajamas, and her blanket wrapped around her.
“Thought you were off to bed.” Though she was completely covered, his heart raced at the sight of her because she had been on his mind all night long.
“I fell asleep while I was praying for David after I put him down.” Lauren sat on the opposite end of the sofa. “I just woke up and wasn’t so tired.”
Tyler smiled. “That’s cool that you pray for him.”
“I do every night. That he’ll be more like Adam and less like me.”
“Why would you pray that?” Tyler narrowed his eyes.
“So he’s not bipolar.”
He didn’t know what frustrated him more—how nonchalantly she said it or knowing she believed it. “You’re not bipolar.”
Lauren laughed. “Where have you been all these years? That whole no caffeine thing? I do it so I’m not manic.”
Tyler shook his head. “God healed your depression. You’re free from that. Besides, it’s just a label. The world’s label for something they don’t completely understand.”
“It feels chemical.”
“But you fight it with God’s Word. And by not drinking caffeine.”
Lauren shook her head. “Well, I’m not normal. That’s for sure.”
“No, you aren’t.” He leaned forward as he looked into her eyes. “You’re full of life, full of love. Adam said years ago the reason you love so deeply is because you feel so deeply. He was right. David would be an amazing man if he grew up to be like his mama.”
“Well, I pray he’ll be happy and healthy, have a sound mind fixed on His Word, and walk with the Lord every day of his life.”
“Those are great things to pray.”
Lauren nodded to his tablet. “Whatcha reading?”
“A study Danny and I are doing.”
“What’s it about?”
“Guy stuff.” Tyler closed his device and slipped it onto the coffee table.
“So secretive.” Lauren settled into the couch.
“How are you feeling?” God, let her be honest. I want to help her.
“Better. Guess I wasn’t prepared for the memories this place holds. I was completely overwhelmed when we got here.” She pulled her blanket more tightly around herself. “Feeling overwhelmed is one of my triggers. And being exhausted. Since I tossed and turned last night, I knew the best thing for me was sleep. I woke up thinking how at this time last year I was resting my head on the toilet seat in between holding Adam’s hand.”
“Crazy how little man caused so much trouble and we had no idea.”
“Adam knew, deep down.” She stretched her feet out until they touched Tyler, her toes gently caressing the side of his leg. “He must have to paint that verse on the nursery wall.”
“Yep.” Tyler patted Lauren’s toes and then shifted to be out of her reach. “He definitely had the gift of prophecy.”
Sliding down a bit, Lauren slipped her feet behind Tyler’s back. “He told me one day I’d remarry.”
Her toes tickled Tyler’s back, causing him to laugh. Pulling them out and placing them in his lap, he gently massaged them. “Is this what you wanted?”
“Yes. And they’re cold.”
Tyler chuckled. “How can they be cold? You have on your fuzzy socks.”
“Maybe because it’s snowing. Guess I need two pair.”
He slipped the blanket from the back of the couch to cover her legs and feet.
“Thank you.”
“Mac told me once you guys came up here for New Year’s right before you got married. Is that when you fell in love with him?” He’d wanted to know since they got married, but didn’t have the courage to ask. Maybe now was the time. Focusing on happy memories would be a good thing.
“Several times before that I thought ‘he’s so wonderful’ but felt he was too good for me.” She stared into the fire. “That New Year’s I was terribly depressed. Probably the worst that I’d been in years. He was there, listening, playing music, making me laugh. We kissed for the first time that night.” She turned back to Tyler. “Then I thought of you and ruined it.”
“It’s a little ironic because I never thought I deserved you.”
“I guess we all have our own insecurities.”
Their eyes locked. Hers held such depth and tenderness. His heart raced as blood rushed through his body.
Gently moving her feet to the side and walking to the fireplace, he stoked the fire. “How about we share our favorite Mac stories? That seems fitting for tonight.”
“There was the painting class we took three years ago.” A grin slowly spread across Lauren’s face.
“Where was that?”
“New Mexico. We thought it would be one of those fun wine and paint parties, but they were all serious artists. Like talking light and contrast.” Lauren pulled her legs to her chest. “Adam and I sat in the back laughing our way through our creation, some abstract desert scene. At the end the teacher raved about Adam’s for several minutes until Adam yelled, ‘Wait!’ and turned it upside down. ‘Now it’s perfect!’ he said. Everyone in the room lost it. The instructor turned bright red. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.”
“That’s awesome.” Tyler chuckled. “I never saw the paintings. What’d you do with them?”
“Think they were auctioned at a fundraising event. Maybe donated to the center. I told him the memory was my treasure. Didn’t really want ugly paintings hanging in our house.”
“Did he ever tell you about the time he came to visit me on the set and ended up being an extra?” Tyler asked.
Lauren’s eyes widened. “You’re kidding?”
Tyler shook his head. “Whenever he walked by me in the scene, he was humming or whistling one of his songs. Took at least six takes for me to keep a straight face.”
For hours the storytelling continued. Tyler brought out the cards and they played while they shared.
“We need to write all these down for David.” Tyler played a book and a run. “Or make a video telling him about them.”
“We do.” Lauren drew a card. “I often wonder what it will be like for him, growing up not knowing Adam. I guess in a way it might be easier because he won’t have the pain of knowing him and losing him, but he’ll never know his love.”
Tyler scanned his hand before playing a king of diamonds. “He’ll know God. That’s how Adam loved.” His lips shifted to Lauren’s face. “And he has you. Adam’s love changed you. Made you more confident, more giving, more caring. I didn’t know that was possible, but it did.”
Tears glistened in her eyes. “I’m thankful for all the years God gave me with him.”
“Me, too.” Tyler grinned. “They were great years.”
Lauren crawled into bed at 2:30 a.m., her heart no longer heavy. Tyler offered to stay up later with her, but she knew her son would be awake shortly after dawn. She listened to David’s rhythmic breathing, occasionally sucking his pacifier. A year ago she was beside Adam, listening to his shallow breathing. And around five o’clock, she ushered him into heaven. She sang for him as the life departed from his body.
She shivered at the remembrance. It was the most heartbreaking and exhilarating moment of her life.
“I still miss him, Lord,” she whispered. “Yet I’m thankful he’s home, completely healed, without pain. Thank You for all the peace and joy You have brought this year despite the hardships.”
Opening her music app, she tapped on ‘It is Well.’ As she quietly sang, tears came to her eyes, but joy filled her heart as she imagined Adam singing to their King.
Tyler flicked off the hall light when he heard music coming from her room. Straining, he listened for weeping, but there was none. A few times he thought he heard her singing along. It is well with my soul. She no longer mourned, she rejoiced. Peace replaced her pain.
“Thank You, God, for carrying us through this year.” He placed a hand on the door. “Continue to complete the healing in all of us.”