Chapter 16
“Wow, that’s a lot of Christmas cards!” Shelly paused at the arch from Lauren’s living room to the family room.
“Pretty neat, huh?” Lauren said from the family room couch where she was feeding David while Shelly browsed the cards strung on candy-cane-striped ribbon across the arch. “December isn’t half over and we receive almost a dozen a day. It was Bonnie’s idea. She even got on a ladder to hang them. Definitely a nice reminder of everyone who cares about us.”
“Where are your Christmas decorations?” Shelly scanned the family room when she stepped over the threshold.
“Don’t start.” Lauren put David on her shoulder to burp. “I’ve already endured lectures from Beth and Tyler.”
“Christmas is only two weeks away.” Shelly plopped down in the armchair beside the sofa. “You have the coolest decorations. You need decorations. David needs decorations.”
“David would eat the decorations, wouldn’t you, buddy?” She glanced at him chewing on her shoulder. “It’s going to be different this year—”
“But that’s okay,” Shelly interrupted.
“It’s going to be different this year,” Lauren repeated herself. “So I don’t want to act like it’s the same.” A burp escaped David. She kissed his head and then moved him to recline in her lap. “I’ll get a small tree before Ruth and her family come, but I don’t want a big production this year. Everything is stored away for when I’m ready.”
“Well,” Shelly reached in the bag she was carrying, “I hope you don’t mind adorable Christmas baby clothes.” She held reindeer pajamas, complete with a hood and antlers, against David. “What do you think?”
He immediately gummed the soft, puffy horns.
“He loves it. Thank you.” Lauren set them aside. “I’m not against Christmas. I simply want a break from all the stuff in my house.”
“Did you and Tyler go out on Saturday?” Shelly sat beside Lauren, lifting David from her and moving him to her own lap.
“We did. Saw Into the Jungle and then drove around to see lights.”
“Wasn’t that a great movie?” Shelly wiggled her finger at David as he attempted to grab it. “I mean, he’s totally grown as an actor, don’t you think?”
“Yeah. God has done quite a work in him.”
“Did you take the motorcycle to look at lights?” Once he snatched Shelly’s finger, he brought it straight to his mouth.
“We did.”
“Bet it was romantic.”
Lauren narrowed her eyes. “Not really.”
“C’mon, you didn’t think about that time he took you on a motorcycle ride in Italy? What was the name of the mountain that had the awesome view?”
“What’s going on?” Lauren crossed her arms.
“Nothing.” She looked down at David. “I’m simply saying, he’s a great guy. He makes you happy.”
Lauren rolled her eyes. “I’m not going there, Shel.”
“Why not?” Shelly’s bottom lip protruded. “You know he’s amazing. Much better than any youth pastor.”
“Oh please!” Lauren stood, grabbing the burp cloths and baby blankets from the sofa. “I only had lunch with Thomas. We talked about a youth event—”
“I don’t want you to make a mistake by not considering Tyler because of your past—”
“I’m not considering anyone.” She collected water glasses from the table, heart racing. “Thomas asked for my number and I told him no. My husband died less than a year ago. I’m not dating. I don’t know that I’ll ever want to date.”
God, how could she think I’m ready for that? Lauren tossed the rags in the laundry room when she walked past on the way to the kitchen. Dumping water from the glasses in the sink, she began loading the dishwasher.
“Don’t be mad,” Shelly entered holding David. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Removing a teething ring from the fridge, she placed it in David’s mouth so Shelly could retract her finger.
“I love you, Lauren. I only want what’s best for you.”
“I appreciate that.” She swallowed back tears. “I’m getting by, day by day. That’s as far as I can look. I know different isn’t bad, but some days it feels very—wrong. I want him here with me, decorating the tree, shopping, planning our Christmas party.” Her lip began to quiver. “I want to find random packages he’s purchased in closets and be tempted to peek even though I know he’d be disappointed.” Her chest tightened. “I wanted it to be him I was holding on to while looking at Christmas lights from the back of his motorcycle.”
“Oh, Lauren.” Shelly wrapped her free arm around her friend. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I keep hoping one day I’ll wake up and the hurt will be gone, but I don’t think it works that way.”
“Like you said, we take it day by day.” Shelly squeezed her. “It’ll be a good Christmas building new memories with David.”
The sun shone on December 23, but the darkness that had been growing in her all week remained. It was the day she loved most as a child and had grown to cherish as Adam’s wife. Knowing the special memories of her mom the night before Christmas Eve held, Adam always made sure they spent the day together. Sometimes he planned a trip to the beach, sometimes they hung out at home. Regardless, the evening found them snuggling in front of the fire with hot chocolate and their Bibles. They read from the book of Luke, starting with the announcement of Mary’s pregnancy and ending with the visit of the wise men. They recalled miracles the Lord accomplished that year and discussed miracles to pray for. A baby had been at the top of her list every year except last year.
She tried making plans to keep herself busy, but her dad left town to help her aunt, Tyler had a meeting with Lucas and the graphic design team to finalize promotion materials, and Shelly had mounds of end-of-year gifts the ministry received to process so she could take time off through New Year’s Day. Beth was frantically finishing nursery preparations as she entered her final month of pregnancy. Ruth and her family didn’t arrive until the 24th. Barely able to cope with the thought of getting out of bed, Lauren decided it would be a pajama day.
After David’s morning feeding, he played contently with his kick gym in her room while she read her Bible. They didn’t venture downstairs until lunchtime. Lauren looped Adam’s Christmas CD on her phone, hoping to fill the emptiness in her heart. The second time it played, she could no longer stop the tears.
“You know, my favorite Christmas story is the year we were in Moscow.” She walked David into the living room as she tried burping him. “Your daddy woke up the morning of his concert with no voice. It was the craziest thing because he was fine the day before. His voice was completely gone.”
She ran her hand over the silky, black piano cover. The coolness of it made her shudder. “We did the only thing we could—fasted and prayed, believing God for a miracle. Your grandpa and Tyler were there. The entire band was praying for him. Right before he went on stage, I laid hands on your daddy like I did every night. His voice was barely above a whisper. As I asked for God’s healing, I saw a vision.” Lauren closed her eyes, remembering. “Angels filled the sky outside Bethlehem, proclaiming God’s miracle to the shepherds. I felt in that moment that God was going to do a miracle.” Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes. “Your daddy came out on stage without a word. He simply started playing.”
Sitting on the piano bench, Lauren pulled back the cloth and opened the keyboard cover. Positioning David on her lap, she returned to track one of the album. “During ‘Joy to the World’ he opened his mouth, but nothing came. So, he continued playing.” She allowed the music to wash over her, transporting her back to that night. “I felt the presence of the Lord so strongly I slipped to my knees in prayer, trusting Him to be there, to show His glory.”
At the sound of Adam’s voice, the tears came. She was there in her mind, in the front row on her knees, her heart rejoicing at the miracle the Lord brought forth.
“God restored his voice at the perfect time. The look on his face…” Lauren gazed into David’s face. His blue eyes widened. “Such joy, confidence, radiance. The rest of the world didn’t know what happened, but that night the crew and his agent came to accept Christ as Savior. I told the Lord I’d trust Him always.”
A smile danced on David’s lips, the smile that put a twinkle in his eyes and made him resemble his father. Lifting him, Lauren kissed his lips. “It’s been hard this year, but I’m sure each Christmas will get better with you around. After all, you’re my miracle.”
Her phone vibrated around six thirty p.m. She had finished feeding and burping him, but sat rocking him. Though she wanted to answer Tyler’s call, she didn’t want to disturb her baby.
Hey, she texted. I’m rocking David. What’s up?
I’m finished for the day. How are you?
Exhausted. Lauren sighed. Be honest, she told herself. It’s been a hard one.
Have you had dinner? I’ll bring you something.
Thanks, but I didn’t sleep well. Should probably turn in soon.
A photo arrived of their favorite Chinese take-out and the ice cream place next door. Which do you prefer?
Lauren smiled. I haven’t had dinner.
Be there soon with orange chicken.
Wrapped in her blanket, she sat on the patio in Adam’s chair staring at the stars. Lauren closed her eyes as the last song on A Christmas in Moscow played. The cold didn’t compare to their winter in Russia, but it took her back to the night after his performance. They danced and laughed outside the theater in the snow. He overflowed with the Holy Spirit; she overflowed with joy at God’s goodness. Though her cheeks were freezing, his breath against her face and the excitement of his passionate kiss warmed her from the inside out.
“God is so good,” Adam had said after kissing her. “He sent His Son to save us, you to love me, and His Spirit to guide and work through me. I truly lack for nothing.”
“You’ve been so good to me this year, Lord,” Lauren whispered into the darkness. “You’ve carried me through so much. I’m grateful, but I miss him. And I miss my mom. I want to lack for nothing, but tonight I feel empty.”
“Knock, knock,” Tyler called, letting himself in.
“I’m on the patio.” Lauren brushed away her tears.
“Isn’t it cold out there?” Tyler opened the screen door.
“I’m dressed for it.” She faced him. “It’s the best location for stargazing.”
“Yes, it is.” Tyler placed the bag on the large glass table. “Do you need a drink?”
“I have water.” Lauren nodded to her cup.
“What’d you guys do today?” He handed her a styrofoam container and chopsticks.
“Stayed home.” She placed the container on her lap. “Baked, listened to his album.”
Tyler sat beside her with his own meal. “How many times?”
“Six.” Lauren paused as the album started again. “Seven.”
“Who do you miss more today, your mom or Adam?”
The tightness grew in her chest again. “It’s equal.” She swallowed back the rising lump in her throat. “I am grateful. It’s just been a hard day.”
The corners of Tyler’s lips shifted down as he placed a hand on her shoulder and closed his eyes. “Lord, thank You for this food. Thank You for this day that You have made. Thank You for the happy memories Lauren has of both her mom and Adam. Be close to her as You are close to the brokenhearted. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
“Amen.” Lauren dried her face with her blanket.
“I miss him, too,” Tyler said. “This is the first time in years I haven’t spent Christmas with him. Sorry I wasn’t here for you today. I wanted to be.”
“Thank you for coming when you did. I would have sat around crying all night.”
“I figured.” Tyler popped opened his dinner and separated his chopsticks. “Thought we could read the story of Mary after dinner and then watch your favorite Christmas movie. If you’re not too tired.”
“That sounds good.” Lauren lifted the lid to her orange chicken. “How was your day?”
“Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, ‘Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.’”
As Tyler read, Lauren’s mind drifted back to the year before. When Adam finished reading, sorrow filled his eyes.
“I’m so sorry—”
Lauren placed a finger on his lips. “No apologies, remember? No regrets.” She fought the rising tears inside her. “You have given me a very blessed life. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Tyler gently took her hand in his. “‘As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!’”
Wiping her tears, Lauren stretched out her hands. “Can I read Mary’s song?”
“Sure.” Tyler handed her the Bible.
“‘My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name.’”
Passion filled her voice as she read. To hear her proclaim God’s power and provision moved him. She continued reading the rest of chapter one and most of chapter two. Tyler allowed the words to wash over him. As she read of the Christmas miracles, Tyler thought of all the miracles he had witnessed in her life that year—salvation of those at Adam’s memorial, peace, healing, provision in her pain, David’s birth, lives changed at her testimony.
“Should we pray?” Lauren asked, closing God’s Word when she finished.
“Sure.”
She slipped her hand into his and closed her eyes. “Lord, thank You for Your Son, for sending Him to be born and ultimately die for us. Thank You for Your gift of unconditional love and for Your sacrifice.”
The pause that followed was so long, Tyler opened his eyes. Though her head was still bowed, he saw her lips quivering.
“Forgive me,” she whispered. “Forgive me for being so wrapped up in my grief that I lost focus of what this season is about. Renew my heart. May the next several days be filled with Your presence as we meditate on Your good works and love. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
“And God, thank You for Christmas miracles.” Tyler squeezed Lauren’s hand as he prayed. “Thank You for the miracle of peace, healing, and most of all, David. Bless this, his first Christmas, and every one to follow. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
“Amen.” Lauren hugged Tyler. “Thank you. That’s what I needed today.”
Tyler squeezed her. “Your mom was right. You are a great mother.”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Lying on pillows against him, she pulled her blanket up to her chin. Twenty minutes into the movie, her breathing steadied and eyes closed. Tyler gently ran his hand up and down her arm, watching her slip into a deeper REM state. The peace that resided in his heart, the peace that covered her face, reminded him of ten months earlier. The Valentine’s Day before God called him to go to Africa. For months he doubted it could ever be regained, especially when he returned to find her in such a desperate state. But it was. In abundance. Truly a picture of God’s grace.
“God, I want to be here for all these moments, to help her through. Allow me to share the good and the hard times with her, to hear her laugh and dry her tears.” He gently ran his fingers through her hair. “Thank You for bringing her so far this year. Fill the next two days with indescribable joy for all of us.”