Chapter 28
The cooing and chattering of her son woke Lauren. She didn’t want to open her eyes, not today. If only I could sleep through it…
“Ooooo.” David’s cooing became louder. “Ooooo.”
Rolling on her side, Lauren opened one eye to see David in his portable crib, facing her and smiling.
“Good morning.” As soon as she said the words, he began giggling, making her smile. “I thought we were sleeping in.”
David’s frantic kicks shook the entire crib.
“Good morning.” Lauren lifted David with kisses. He rested his tiny hands on her face as always, but today she looked into his blue eyes. “A year ago was your daddy’s home-going. I want to be thankful, but it’s hard.”
His smile reminded her of Adam and melted her heart.
“I am thankful for you.” Lauren kissed his forehead.
Opening her phone while he nursed in bed, she saw a notification. One new post from Tyler Stevens.
The picture of the sunset was beautiful. She knew the exact location Tyler took it from. At least once during her and Adam’s trip to the cabin they would walk down there together, usually in the late afternoon. Adam frequently went at sunrise. Lauren only did on their last trip and then was frustrated she had missed all those moments with him through the year.
It’s been a year. A year of trusting the Lord, a year of spiritual growth, a year of believing God for promises I couldn’t see. A year without my best friend. My heart still aches, but today I rejoice that he’s in heaven singing praises to our King. I’m also thankful God has carried us through this first year.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
Thank You, Lord, for Your mercy to make it through each day. Thank You for Your faithfulness.
I miss you, Mac, but look forward to seeing you on the other side. In His time.
She closed her eyes, not to stop the tears, but to focus on Tyler’s words. Gratitude slowly filled her heart.
David’s noises told Tyler they would be out soon. He had just finished the pancake batter when the master bedroom door popped open.
Her hair was a mess, her pajama top buttoned unevenly, but there was a smile on her face. He praised God for the smile on her face.
“Good morning,” he greeted her.
“It is.”
“I got you something.” Tyler handed her the insulated coffee mug.
She accepted it, immediately moving it from David’s reach. “You didn’t need to go to town just for that.”
“Well, I may have forgotten coffee for me and your dad.” He held up a bag of beans. “So it was for me, too. I also wanted to see the sunrise.”
“I saw.” Lauren sat down at the table. “It was beautiful. All of it.”
When their eyes met, he felt her gratitude. All morning he’d prayed for her heart to be peace-filled and thankful. He was humbled that God had answered it so quickly.
“I only walked with Adam once to see it. That was on our last trip here.” She sipped her drink. “Maybe tomorrow we could go together.”
“Absolutely.” He picked up the box on the counter beside him. “What are you feeling like this morning? Cinnamon roll or pancakes?”
“A cinnamon roll sounds great.” She traded him David for the white box.
“Sorry, buddy,” Tyler said, lifting David. “Boring cereal for you.”
The morning included all her favorites—cinnamon roll, peppermint mocha, building a snowman, and sitting by a crackling fire. Tyler had them all laughing when he taught David to play peek-a-boo and her dad shared stories of Lauren’s antics as a toddler. Though she enjoyed every moment, Lauren’s soul craved time alone, so she took off by herself when David went down for his late-morning nap.
Finding a snowless patch of ground under a tree beside the creek, she sat. How many times had she and Adam walked hand in hand beside the trickling brook? He shared ideas of new songs, she recalled family camping trips. They spoke about the day they would have children.
“They’ll play in the snow and learn to ski in the winter and splash in the brook during summer,” Adam said. “In the spring I’ll teach them to fish at the lake.”
Lauren laughed. “What do you know about fishing?”
“Not a lot.” Adam pulled her into his embrace. “We’ll learn together.”
“David’s so beautiful,” she said aloud, shifting her eyes from the water to the sky. “He looks like you. His smile brightens every room, and when he laughs, it’s contagious.” She swallowed back the tears. “He hated the snow this morning, but I know one day he’ll love it. And he’ll love hiking, skiing, and fishing, just like you.”
The heaviness in her chest prevented her from continuing. Inhaling slowly, she tried to push the vision of Adam’s face from her mind but couldn’t. “God, You know what I need.” She brushed the tears from her cheeks. “Please give it to me.” Opening her Bible app, her eyes fixed on the verse of the day. Ecclesiastes 3:1.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”
She clicked to pull up the entire chapter, slowly reading it aloud.
“...a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn—” Pausing, she swallowed hard. “—a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
It seemed she lived the entire chapter in a year. While she meditated on each part, scenes came to her mind. Visiting centers, training teachers, struggling with depression, watching Adam deteriorate and pass away, weeping for her loss and hopelessness, enduring pain from preeclampsia. She thought this year would be about healing from the pain of losing Adam. Now she realized it was about transitioning into a new season. A season for David to be born, a season for her to be healed from depression. A time of excruciating pain to cause her to seek God’s peace. A season of quieting her heart to listen to the Lord. A time to build her life and hope on the Bible, to completely rely on the Lord and make Him first. A time to forgive Tyler completely so she could see him as he was—a man after God’s heart. Then there was laughter. And dancing. With Tyler.
Something stirred in her heart. Not pain, not hurt. Something peaceful. Something...beautiful.
She closed her eyes. God, is it okay that I care so deeply for him? Is it okay that I might love him again?
Opening her eyes, a part of verse seven leapt from the screen: A time to love.
Adam came to mind, standing before hundreds of people speaking at a fundraising dinner. “For years I’ve been blessed to use the talents God gave me to bring happiness to others, but now He has doubly blessed me with the love of my life.”
Doubly blessed, Lauren thought. Am I doubly blessed to have two loves in my lifetime?
“There you are.” Tyler took a seat beside her. “Your dad was getting worried.”
“I’m hanging out with God.” She held up her phone.
Tyler glanced over her shoulder. “Ecclesiastes 3, huh? Seems fitting for today.”
“Yeah.” Lauren slid her phone in her pocket. “It’s all about seasons, right?”
Tyler nodded. “You’ve been through a lot of them this year.”
“And you’ve been beside me.” She gazed into his face, beyond his glasses, into his eyes. The eyes that saw her for the woman she wanted to be, not for the wreck she felt she was. The eyes that saw past her facade. The eyes that saw her needs before she expressed them.
“Walk with me?” she asked, standing.
“Sure.” Tyler followed her down a path beside the stream.
They walked in silence. There were so many thoughts she wanted to express. With each step, the words formed in her mind.
“I thought God was first in my life, but Adam was.” Lauren continued staring straight ahead as they walked. “When my depression came, I clung to him to help me through. He directed me to God, but I continued reaching out to my husband first. I realize now how wrong that was. God always needs to be first in my life. Always. That’s how I survived his death. That’s how I survived everything I went through before having David. God was first.” Lauren stopped walking. “God was my everything.”
“It’s good you realize that.” His voice was so gentle and loving, not condemning.
“Right now David is second in my life. At some point we’ll need a spiritual leader, David and I. A man who loves God and loves us. Then he’ll be second, after God, above David.” She slipped her hand in Tyler’s as she dropped her gaze. Staring at their hands, she recalled all the nights he sat beside her after Adam passed and in the hospital holding her hand. Lord, it’s so comfortable. Why is it hard to take that step? Lauren took a deep breath. “I don’t know when that will be. I’m still learning to let go of needing and wanting Adam.”
All morning he’d been praying for clarity. The moment she took his hand, everything became crystal clear.
“God’s timing is perfect, right?” Tyler asked, lifting her chin.
“It is.”
His thumb brushed from her cheek to her chin. Her face was cold, but so soft. “What season are you in now?”
A grin danced on Lauren’s lips. “A time to plant, build, laugh, and dance.” She squeezed his hand. “A time to embrace.”
“A time to love?” he asked.
Tears filled her eyes as she weakly nodded, biting her lip.
He smiled. “I do love you, Lauren. God has taken me through a few seasons as well. A time to devote myself and my career to Him. A time to learn contentment in all things. Most of all, a time to become your best friend and fall in love with you all over again, but in a new way. In a deeper way.”
Lauren returned the smile. “I do love having you as my best friend.”
Tyler backed away as the urge to kiss her overcame him. “You don’t need to wonder or be insecure. I’m not going anywhere and I’m not in a hurry. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
“How are you?” Shelly asked when she called Lauren after lunch.
“The sun came up today.” Lauren walked to her bedroom, taking a deep breath. “His mercies are new every morning.”
“Yes, they are. I’ve been praying for you.”
“Thank you.” Shutting the door behind her, Lauren dropped onto the bed. “It snowed last night. David was impressed with the fluffy white stuff until we had him touch it.”
Shelly laughed. “Did you video that?”
“My dad did. He was so mad at me for putting it in his hands he didn’t stop crying until Tyler took him.”
“Did you guys go skiing?”
“No. I don’t ski, remember? Tyler and I stayed up until two o’clock talking. We got out of the cabin for a walk while David napped before lunch.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Lauren sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Years ago you told me only good could come from loving my best friend. Do you still believe that?”
“What matters is what you think. But, yes, I do believe only good can come from you loving Tyler. You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about it either.”
Lauren ran her hand over her comforter. “God showed me all the seasons He brought me through this year. Peace resides in my heart.”
“So, what’s your hesitation?”
“I still miss Adam. I still love him.”
“You always will. That doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else.”
“Tyler told me today he loves me.” Lauren wiped her tears away. “Matter-of-factly. He said I don’t need to wonder or be insecure. There’s no pressure, Shel, only respect. And love. I think he’d wait another seven years if I asked him to.”
“He would.” Shelly paused. “Do you love him?”
“I do. I think I’ve felt it since after the accident when I thought how I could have lost him.”
“You know, loving him doesn’t deny or lessen your love for Adam. The press can and will be brutal and rude. There’s no amount of time that needs to pass to show your undying love to Adam. Those who love you know you loved him completely.” Shelly paused. “You shouldn’t be ashamed to love Tyler. He’s an amazing man of God. I think deep down you know it’s what Adam wanted as well.”
“I know. He tried to tell me one day I’d marry again. I couldn’t handle the thought at the time.” Lauren pulled her fuzzy blanket around her. “I feel so safe around Tyler. We laugh together, cry together, marvel at all the things David does.” Lauren paused as the next thought came to mind. “I think he’s going to be a great dad.”
“And he’ll be a wonderful husband. Can I pray for you?”
“Please.”
Tyler prepared seafood pasta for dinner.
“I found this recipe I think you’ll love,” he told her.
Of course she did.
Lauren sat with a receiving blanket over her feeding David following dinner while Tyler and her dad chatted. They shared stories of the great outdoors, laughed discussing scenes from various movies, and talked about foreign countries they’d love to visit. He was as comfortable with Tyler as he had been with Adam. She was attempting to burp a passed out David when her dad stood.
“Give him here.” He held out his arms. “I’ll burp him and put him down before I read in my room.”
Lauren lifted David to her father. “Thanks, Dad.”
He kissed the top of her head. “‘Night, pumpkin. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“Your dad’s a great guy,” Tyler said once he left the room. “Tells awesome stories.”
“Yes, he does.” Walking into the family room, she scrolled through music on her phone. “I’m glad you two get along so well.” She didn’t know what she’d choose—until she saw it. Adam’s worship album.
“Crazy what the Lord can do.” Tyler stood, stretching as she turned to him. “What do you feel like? Cards or a movie?”
Tapping song number fourteen, she held out her hand to him. “Dance with me.”
“What?” Tyler lifted an eyebrow.
She took his hand. “It’s our time to dance.”
They didn’t talk, simply danced cheek to cheek to the song she sang as Adam passed. He didn’t remember Adam’s weakness, but her strength. He didn’t feel sorrow, but God’s power and presence.
“It was beautiful,” Tyler finally said. “I never told you, but it was truly beautiful how you sang to him, for him, as he passed.”
“Because the Lord was there.” Her breath on his ear excited him yet brought peace. “Like when you sang to me the night before David was born and when you prayed after the summer performance, bringing so many to Christ.” She backed away to take in his face. “When we sat around the dinner table with your family at Thanksgiving and mine at Christmas.” She ran her fingers through the back of his hair. “And when He saved you from the car accident. Even though you were a wreck, you were so handsome.”
Tyler swallowed back the rising lump in his throat. “Guess it’s been a beautiful year.”
“It has been.” Lauren rested her head on his shoulder. “Most of all, I’m thankful for you.”
Closing his eyes to hold back the tears, Tyler kissed the top of her head. “I’m thankful for you, too.”
Lauren had settled into the comfort of his arms when her phone buzzed. Opening the message from Beth revealed her newborn baby boy. All swaddled up, he wore a blue cap and a contented look on his chubby face. Tears came as she read the message.
I kept praying he wouldn’t come today, but keeping my legs crossed couldn’t stop him. Meet Gabriel Riley, 9 lb. 5 oz. Thought Riley is a fitting middle name since his birthday is Adam’s graduation day. Love you, girl. Praying for you. Next year we can celebrate both together.
“What?” Tyler asked.
Handing him her phone, she rested her head on his shoulder as Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 played in her mind. There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens, a time to be born and a time to die…
“You okay?” Tyler placed her phone on the coffee table.
“Yeah.” She wiped her tears on his shoulder. “There’s a time for everything, right?”
“There is, Angel.” He squeezed her. “I’m thankful to be able to walk with you through them.”
“Me, too.” She closed her eyes, allowing the warmth of his body and the music to settle her. God, please continue to mend my broken heart.