Chapter 7
Too big, too big, too small. Lauren sighed as she flipped through her outfits Sunday morning. That will make me look like a beach ball; that’s so tight it’ll show my flab. Though she lost twenty pounds before leaving the hospital, she still had twenty-five to go to be at her pre-pregnancy weight. She never understood when new moms complained about the weight they needed to lose. Now she did—the struggle was real. Her regular pants were too tight, her maternity clothes too big. Her body felt out of control.
The fourth dress she tried on, a free-flowing one she purchased in Hawaii years ago, only showed her pooch a little and buttoned down the front so she could feed David easily. Every time she looked in the mirror she wanted to cry.
“God, I’m not trying to be vain. I just want my body back.”
“You ready?” Tyler asked when she flung open her front door at nine o’clock.
“No.” She double-timed the stairs.
“Are you almost ready?” he called after her.
“Maybe.”
“Super.” Tyler closed the door behind him. “I’ll hang out down here.”
Burp cloths and receiving blankets were scattered all over the couch and floor. Dirty plates and water glasses covered the coffee table. David’s diaper bag and two of her purses filled the chair. Her tennis shoes were beside the chair, black sandals under the coffee table, and slippers in front of the couch.
God, please don’t let her be falling apart, he prayed surveying the scene. A trip to the laundry room with David’s stuff was followed by one to the kitchen with the dishes. He paused at the sink overflowing with dirty ones. If I feel this overwhelmed, how does she feel?
“Did Bonnie come this week?” Tyler looked up from washing dishes when she entered the kitchen.
“Friday morning.” A sleeping David on her shoulder, she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “I know it’s a mess. I’m in survival mode.”
“It’s fine.” Taking David from her, Tyler noticed her dress for the first time. It seemed tighter on top, but made him realize how much he missed seeing her in regular clothes. “You look nice.”
“Yeah, right.” Lauren grabbed a protein bar from the cupboard.
“You do. I’ve always liked that dress. You got it in Hawaii, didn’t you?”
“I’m totally overweight. This is one of the only dresses I fit into.” She pulled up the front to cover her cleavage. “Kind of fit into.”
“Buy new clothes,” Tyler stated.
“No. I need to lose weight.”
“Lauren, you had a baby a month ago. It’ll take time.”
She grabbed her keys from the key hook on the wall. “Let’s take my car. It has his seat.”
The dim lights in the nursing room were meant to be calming, but as she rocked David and stared at Tyler, Danny, and Shelly in the front row through the one-way window, frustration overcame her. She wanted to be with them, not isolated in the dark.
Lauren started singing during worship, but David woke needing to be fed and changed. As she rocked and burped him, sadness grew realizing her life had totally changed.
This is how it’ll be now, the thought came. Motherhood will separate you from those you know and love. They can’t understand what you’re going through.
They might not understand, but they love and support me, Lauren told herself.
“How old is he?” a voice behind her asked.
Lauren glanced over her right shoulder to find a woman, slightly younger than her, rubbing the back of her baby in a pink frilly dress. “Almost five weeks. He was born four weeks early, so he’s finally up to eight pounds.”
“That’s great. What’s his name?”
“David.”
The woman’s eyes widened as she looked into Lauren’s face. “You’re Lauren Riley?”
She smiled weakly. “I am.”
“I didn’t recognize you with your short hair.” She moved to the rocker beside Lauren. “I’m Payton.”
“Nice to meet you. How old is your baby?”
“Four months.” She peered into the little girl’s face. “Emma.”
“Very cute.”
“Thanks for all your posts about your depression and pain,” Payton said. “I didn’t have a hard pregnancy, but I’ve dealt with depression for years.”
“God gives us all a testimony to help others.”
“Well, yours has definitely helped me. The video of your Dear Satan board in the hospital gave me the courage to talk to my husband about my struggle. Postpartum depression hit hard when she was a month old. I felt like I was losing my mind. He was so supportive once I told him. We started reading the Bible and praying together. It’s amazing what God is doing in our marriage.”
“That’s wonderful.” Lauren smiled at the brightness in the woman’s face. “So, you’re good now?”
“I am.” She smiled weakly. “I prayed for you. A lot.”
“I appreciate that.”
“How are you adjusting?”
Thankfulness came to Lauren at the question, knowing Payton cared although they didn’t know each other. “It’s tough, feeding every four hours during the night, but I’m happy to be home with him and thankful he’s growing.” Tears began to rise in Lauren’s eyes. “I’m pretty exhausted. It does get easier, doesn’t it?”
Payton nodded. “It does. Emma finally slept through the night at ten weeks. I felt like a different woman. Then my milk production regulated so I wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night soaking wet.”
Lauren rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I wasn’t prepared for that.”
“The hardest part now is losing weight. I have fifteen pounds to go.”
Lauren frowned. “Twenty-five.”
“My advice is to buy new clothes,” Payton said. “It killed me to spend the money, but it felt so much better to wear real clothes, even though they were bigger sizes. I bought scoop neck and button down shirts so I didn’t need nursing tops, flowing dresses, stretchy jeans. Some of my stuff is getting loose now which is incentive to keep at it.” She rubbed her daughter’s back as she started to stir. “Don’t even try to start losing weight for another month or so. It’s hard when you’re breastfeeding because you need the extra calories.”
Lauren sighed. She hadn’t thought about that. Tyler turned in his seat twice, glancing toward the window of the room. Then her phone vibrated with a text from him.
How you doing back there?
Fine, Lauren typed with one finger. I fed him a while ago so he’s out.
Good. Was praying he would be. Let me know if you need anything.
Tyler spun in his seat one more time, now with a smile on his face.
Thank You, Lord, that he cares, Lauren silently prayed, focusing her attention on the sermon.
During the closing worship song, Payton stood.
“It was great to meet you, Lauren.” She rested her hand on Lauren’s shoulder. “I’ll continue praying for you.”
“Thanks.” Lauren smiled at the realization that she made a new friend. “If you’d like, I can give you my number. You can text me if you need prayer. For depression, or anything else.”
“I’d like that. And I’ll give you mine, in case you need some mama support. I’m not a pro or anything, but I’m a good listener.”
The excitement of the employees in their favorite Mexican restaurant when the four of them walked through the door was almost overwhelming. Every waitress and busboy stopped by their corner booth for a peek at David. The manager even offered his congratulations. No sooner had they ordered than Danny slipped his arm around Shelly, who sat between him and Lauren in the booth.
“So, it’s official? The two of you are dating?” Tyler asked.
Both laughed, glancing at each other.
“Yes,” Shelly said.
Lauren smiled at her friend’s happiness.
“Well,” Tyler said to Shelly, “like I told Lauren when she predicted it, I approve of you for Danny.”
Lauren immediately nudged him. “Stop.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stevens.” Shelly sipped her water. “So glad I meet your standards.”
“I told her we can only date if she promises not to dump me when we start production,” Danny said.
“It won’t be that bad, will it?” Shelly looked to Lauren.
“There’s always Saturdays and Sundays.” Lauren caressed her son’s hand.
“And Friday nights.” Tyler glanced at Lauren. “I told you, I’ll come over Friday nights to see you and David.”
Girls’ night on Tuesday, right?” Shelly said to Lauren.
“Definitely.”
“And church Wednesday nights.” Danny squeezed Shelly’s shoulder. “I’ll take you out to dinner after.”
“There you go,” Tyler said. “You only have Mondays and Thursdays to miss him. I think you’ll survive.”
“I don’t know.” Shelly stared into Danny’s eyes. “I might wither away.”
“You’ve been fine for years,” Lauren said.
“Perhaps I’ll come visit you and little guy more than once a week.” Shelly lifted David from Lauren’s arms. “You can be my date on Thursday nights, huh, little guy?”
Lauren inhaled deeply. She didn’t want to bring it up, but knew she needed to. Anxiety had been rising since church. “I met this mom in the nursing room, Payton. According to her, postpartum depression is pretty awful.” She paused when all eyes turned to her. “Maybe you guys can pray for me. I don’t want to go through that.”
“You’re healed, remember?” Tyler asked. “Depression gone.”
“I know, but it’s chemical.” She bit her lip. “How can I stop that?”
Danny leaned forward. “The same way you did before. With scripture, holding on to the truth, prayer. Tyler’s right. The first truth you need to hold on to is that you’re healed.”
“Don’t worry about anything, right?” Shelly asked.
Lauren nodded.
“Let’s pray now.” Danny bowed his head. “Father God, we thank You for Lauren’s healing. We pray You would give her confidence knowing You have set her free from the bondage of depression. Give her a sound mind to stand on Your Word and boldness to go forth and share her testimony so that You can receive all glory, honor, and praise. We ask this knowing it’s Your will. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
They opened their eyes to the busboy standing beside their table with chips and salsa.
“Amen,” Jose said, bowing his head.
“And thank You for the food,” Tyler said as Jose placed the baskets and bowls on the table.
“Amen,” Jose joined them in saying again.
“Thanks, you guys.” Lauren sighed. “You’re right. No worrying, simply standing on His Word.”
“I need to go clothes shopping,” Lauren announced as the four of them walked through the parking lot.
“Didn’t I tell you that this morning?” Tyler raised an eyebrow. “I believe your response was—”
“I know, but Payton said she felt better when she started wearing regular clothes. I can’t exercise for a few more weeks because of my c-section. I miss having jeans, heck, pants in general. Shorts without elastic.”
“I’ll go with you this week,” Shelly said. “Only not Wednesday. I have a hot date.”
Danny turned to Tyler, lifting an eyebrow. “She called me hot.”
“You’re creating a monster, you know that?” Tyler asked Shelly. He glanced at Lauren. “Go now. You said little man won’t be up for three hours. I’ll take him to your place with Danny. You and Shelly go find some pretty clothes. And shoes. And purses.”
Lauren shook her head. “I didn’t outgrow my purses.”
Tyler slipped the diaper bag off her shoulder. “You sure about that?”
“Should we?” Lauren glanced from her sleeping baby to Shelly.
“Sure.” She looked to Danny. “You don’t mind?”
“Not at all.” Danny patted her shoulder. “Have fun.”
“Are you okay?” Shelly asked in the car. “You don’t seem okay.”
Lauren sighed. “Everything is different, Shel. You know I don’t like change.”
“But different in a good way.” Shelly pulled out of the parking lot. “You have the baby you’ve always wanted. And he’s a pretty mellow guy.”
“That’s true, but I can’t fit into any of my clothes, or shoes for that matter.”
“Your feet grew?”
“At least half a size. I also wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet.”
“Why?”
“Because milk is leaking.”
“Eew.” Shelly scrunched up her face. “That’s crazy.”
“Tell me about it. Soaks my pajamas.” Lauren rested her hands on her chest. “In fact, I’m going to be super sore if I miss his next feeding—”
“I don’t need to know more, thank you.”
“I need new clothes because nothing fits right. I have at least twenty pounds to lose but can’t start working out yet. The girl in the nursery room today actually told me it’s harder to lose when you’re breastfeeding.”
“It’ll come. In time.”
Lauren shifted her attention out the window to avoid Shelly’s eyes. “My emotions are all over the place. Nothing feels—normal.”
“‘Normal’ is going to be different now. I think you need to come to terms with that. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. When you need to shop,” Shelly patted her hand, “all you gotta do is ask. You have me, your dad, and Tyler to help. Tyler seems to be doing great with David.”
“He is. He’s been amazing since I returned home, coming over every morning to feed David so I can get sleep. This whole four-hour feeding thing is hard. I don’t know what I’m going to do now that he’s filming.”
“Three months ago you were in the hospital in pain. That was hard, but look how far you’ve come. I predict in another three months it will be smooth sailing.”
Lauren sighed, closing her eyes. In three months it will be the anniversary of Adam’s passing. There’s not going to be anything easy about that.
“Is she okay?” Danny asked when they were in the car. “She seems, I don’t know, a little off.”
“It’s hard, but she’s adjusting. I’ve been going over in the morning to feed David so she can sleep. Ruth and her family come in tomorrow. Hopefully, that will be helpful and not stressful.”
“That whole postpartum thing.” Danny shook his head. “My oldest sister, Mary, went through that. It was pretty rough.”
“Kris mentioned it the other day, told me she’s praying for Lauren.” Tyler glanced at Danny. “But I appreciate your prayer for her. It was right on. She does know the truth and can stand against it.”
“I agree.”
Tyler glanced in the rearview mirror to the one fixed on the back window. He smiled at the grin on David’s face. “He’s a pretty cool little guy. A bit unnerving when he cries, but it usually just means he needs to eat, burp, or be changed.”
Danny grinned. “I’m impressed, bro. I wasn’t very comfortable with my nieces and nephews their first year. Once they started moving and talking, I was cool with them.”
“I keep praying God will give me everything I need to help her, and He is.” He pursed his lips. “Guess next week He’s going to need to give me peace because I really do like hanging out with them.”
Frustration hit when Lauren found herself trying on clothes two sizes larger than she was before pregnancy, but with Shelly’s encouragement and the lack of elastic in the clothes, her excitement grew. Four stores and over a dozen bags later they called it a successful trip.
They found the boys sitting on the couch watching a movie with David sleeping in his carrier on the floor.
“Did I make it in time?” She dropped the four bags beside the couch.
“You did.” Tyler glanced at David. “He started squirming an hour ago, but I knew it was too early so I gave him his pacifier and he fell back asleep.” He looked from the bags Shelly held to the ones Lauren had brought in. “A successful shopping trip for both of you?”
Shelly laughed, setting the packages beside the armchair. “No, this would all be for her. I found one shirt.”
“All this in under three hours?” Tyler asked. “That’s got to be a record.”
“I bought her coffee before.” Shelly sat on the sofa between Tyler and Danny. “She’s like the energizer bunny.”
“Great.” Tyler rolled his eyes. “Shopping when she’s manic. No wonder she bought so much.”
“I’m not manic.” Lauren placed a bag on the chair and pulled out a burgundy dress. “What do you think?”
“I like it—”
“I found the cutest brown boots to go with it.” Laying the dress on the back of the chair, Lauren grabbed another package. “I think they’re in here.” She took out a shoe box and opened it to reveal black boots. “Oh, no, these are for this—” Setting the boots on the table, she dug through a large paper bag with handles by the sofa, tossing an olive sweater and several shirts on Tyler. “Here.” She held up black jeans. “Real jeans again. They have a zipper and buttons.”
“Super.” Tyler looked at the clothes in his lap. “Nice shirts.”
“Thanks.” She threw the jeans at him. “And I took your advice and got a few new purses.”
Danny and Shelly snickered as Lauren continued flashing her new purchases and then dumping them on Tyler. She had half the bags emptied when David started fussing. She immediately dropped the dress she was holding to pick him up.
“How much caffeine did you have?” Tyler asked, assessing the pile in his lap.
“One coffee. And a soda at lunch, I guess.” She lifted her eyes to him as she stood with David. “Okay. I might be a little manic.”
The three on the couch started laughing.
“Do you want them washed or hung up?” Shelly stood.
“Hung would be great.” She tossed the dress on the chair to Tyler. “You don’t mind holding this, too, do you?”
“Not at all,” he shook his head. “Apparently, that’s what I’m here for.”