I don’t really know how to describe what I’m feeling. I feel numb to say the least. My heart feels like it’s in my stomach, and I think I could throw up. After returning home, I had immediately gotten dressed and headed to the hospital where Eddie is still on life support only to be greeted by a less-than enthusiastic doctor who tried to convince me that Eddie can’t be saved. He thinks we need to pull the plug on Eddie.

I haven’t called Sylvia yet to tell her the news. I need a moment to let this sink in although having her by my side would surely make things easier. I haven’t called Éclair either; I know she would probably have some encouraging words to say. She always has had a way of putting things into perspective for me. Then there’s Eddie’s family. I don’t think I could bear watching Bobby break down again after that first time here at the hospital when he saw Eddie all beat up like this. I could kill whoever did this.

A few hours go by. I’m just sitting next to Eddie, talking. I’ve read God knows how many books to him since he was put on life support. It all seems kind of pointless now. I just want a chance to apologize to him for everything that was said between us. There is a lot I have to apologize for, and it is starting to look like I am never going to be given the chance. “Eddie,” I say, “I wish you would just wake up for a little while. I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m sorry. I just want to tell you I love you –I know I never really say that much, but I do. I know I’ve been an asshole, but I really am sorry.”

I can’t really look up at his face, so I’m staring at his hand. It’s so still and pale, much like the rest of him. Suddenly his hand moves, and he is fucking flicking me off. I jump in my seat, and I look up and see that Eddies’ eyes are squinted open. He can’t speak with the tube down his throat, but I can tell he can hear me. He’s looking dead at me. I sprint to the door and shout for a doctor or nurse and then run back to Eddie’s side. “Eddie, can you hear me, man?” I ask as though I don’t really believe what is happening before my eyes.

I see Eddie’s right hand moving and making weird gestures just as the doctor is darting in the room. The doctor looks just as surprised as I am. “Do you know sign?” the doctor asked.

“What?” I question.

“Your brother, he’s signing.” The doctor says.

“Um…” I am confused; I certainly did not know Eddie knew any sort of sign language.

“Mr. Mont,” the doctor says as he approaches Eddie’s bedside, “How are you feeling?” Eddie’s hand reaches up and touches his own face, and the doctor quickly pulls Eddie’s hand back down. “Give me one moment, sir, and we’ll get that tube out of your throat.” The doctor looks at me, “There is a nurse in the hall with short black hair, Miss. Kasey, she knows sign-”

I run out into the hall, and I spot the nurse that the doctor had been referring to and usher her into the room. The doctor is checking Eddie over, and Eddie is still weakly waving his right hand about. “What is he saying?” I ask.

“He can’t feel his legs,” the nurse says. “He also is signing that you shouldn’t read to anyone because you sound like a dumbass when you read.” She laughs slightly under her breath.

I smile, glad to know that even in this state Eddie is himself. I also am happy to know he knows that I have been reading to him –that I have been here. Suddenly Eddie’s hand plops down and his eyes close just as the doctor and nurse are removing the tube from his throat. The doctor checks him over. “His breathing is fairly normal,” the doctor says, “But,” he turns to look at me, “I’m not sure if that is going to last. He still needs to remain on life support.”

“This morning you were telling me he was as good as dead. What changed?” I ask.

“Are you a religious man, Mr. Mont?” the doctor asks. I shrug. The doctor shrugs right back, “Well, then I don’t have much more of an explanation for you. Don’t let this get your hopes up, but this is definitely a good sign… and a lesson for me not to write someone off so quickly.”

They run a few tests, and they let me stay in the room this time. Soon they depart, and I’m alone with Eddie again. He looks better, or at least I think he does and it’s not just my mind toying with me. There is color in his cheeks again, and there is something about not having that giant breathing tube down his neck that makes him seem more alive somehow.

I cannot bring myself to leave. I sit down beside him and talk. I talk about random things. I talk about our childhood and stupid shit we used to do together. I talk about meeting his sister Kate, his brothers Max and Nick and wondering out loud how many others are out there that I still don’t know about. It does not take a genius to figure out that Eddie had learned sign to make it easier to talk to Max, and I tell him that I’m proud of him. I tell him that I’m proud that he was working on providing a home for Nick and had learned sign for Max and had helped Kate get her son back in school. I tell him I’m sorry for always giving him such a hard time for helping them and never bothering to get to know any of them. It’s sad, really, that this is what it took for me to so much as learn their names.

I wind up staying the night in the hospital room.