I layered the whipped garlic potatoes on the bottom of the pan before I started spreading the frozen peas. I’d decided to take advantage of some sales at the store up the road, which meant a lot of forward prepping with meals. Franz was here for breakfast, but usually not for lunch. Then, if he was here for dinner, it was always after I’d gone to bed. So, I got up to make breakfast every morning, only bought stuff for me to have for lunch, and decided to cook up some freezer meals so I could leave him something low in the oven for when he did come home. Freezer meals made dinner cooking easier for me, and it helped to cope with the fact that I was alone.

I wasn’t upset with Franz not being home all the time, but even when I was living in a two-bedroom apartment with five other people there was always someone around.

I had come to dread Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’d been running this new schedule for a little over two weeks now, and it felt weird. I smelled him every time I entered his penthouse and I couldn’t help but wonder if the smile on Gracie’s face, on those mornings, was because of him. I know that when I thought about him, it made me smile, so I could only imagine what the mother of his child might have to smile about each day.

I smelled him in every corner, and I never ceased to cry endlessly when Clara was sleeping.

When she was awake, things were wonderful. Gracie had made it a point to never be around me. Whenever I’d walk through at 8 AM with my steaming coffee in hand, she’d practically sling the little girl at me before grabbing her purse and saying something about doctor’s appointments or whatever. I’d taken up the habit of cleaning up the place a little bit. Gracie was an absolute slob, and I’m sure it irked Derek. He wasn’t necessarily clean, but he took pride in his surroundings and in what he owned.

Gracie didn’t seem to care, given that her brightly-colored bras were slung in all the corners of every single room.

I couldn’t help but tear up every time I picked one up off the floor. I imagined the pride Derek took in ripping them off and casting them aside. I found myself wondering what she looked like underneath all those clothes: she was tall, with long legs and sprawling tattoos. Her eyes raged behind her green irises and her neck was long and thin. I bet if she had hair, it would be cut at the nape of her neck, accentuating its length and teased to the nines. I bet she wore the beautiful dresses he probably bought for her perfectly. I imagined her in backless dresses that showed off her adorning tattoos that he probably enjoyed running his tongue across at night. I bet all those silky and glittering fabrics hit her at just the right length, with her chest that gave Clara nourishment swaying lightly underneath the fabric.

Sometimes I’d sink to my knees and sob against those full-length windows, and curse the skyline of the city that did this to me while Clara slept in her room.

I felt lost. Every time Gracie dropped that little girl into my arms, I couldn’t help but see Derek in all of her. Sure, she had her mother’s eyes, but she had Derek’s nose: and his chin; and his smile; and his cheeks that never seemed to stop being rosy. Clara might have had part of her mother, but she was all her father.

And sometimes holding her was a chore in and of its self.

However, one night Gracie called me. It was a Sunday, the day I was supposedly on-call, and she informed me that she and Derek were going out, and that I was due at their home no later than five. At first, I had been excited. For the first time in almost two weeks, I’d get a chance to lay my eyes on Derek. I knew I’d never have him. I’d never be able to give in to him like I should have that night, or have the opportunity to memorize his physical features underneath the moonlight, but I could at least embrace his presence as we switched positions in his home.

But when Gracie opened the door, I couldn’t even register Derek in the background. She looked stunning: a little black dress that rose up to her mid-thigh, with heels that were at least five inches. They accentuated her height and flexed her long, languid legs. Her breasts were hiked up in a bra that was probably a push-up, and the jewelry that glittered from her ears and around her neck only seemed to pale in comparison to the way her eyes glittered.

She was breathtaking…

… and I was not.

I kept my head down when I went in, and even though I could feel Derek staring at me, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. If I had, I might have risked showing him my soul. I might have risked my eyes screaming at him about how I felt, how stepping into his home was eating my soul directly out from my stomach. I was scared that if I had looked at him, he’d see the love I had for him and the hopelessness I felt every time I looked at Gracie, and that then he would fire me. I was scared he would rip me from Clara and throw me back out onto the street.

I was scared it would be as if I never existed; as if they had simply… died.

I put Clara down at eight that night and stood at the windows overlooking the city. Tears drifted down my face while I leaned my head against the glass being pelted by the rain, and I watched my tears drop onto the hardwood floor. The city was crying alongside me, sympathizing with my hurt but having no ability to reach out and do anything about it. It felt as if the city was pulsing on my side, rooting me on in my quest to root myself into the marred soil of its garden. It was feeding me water, hoping to mask my tears and help my roots to stretch out and grow.

It was like the city was begging me to stay, even though it was so easy for Derek to throw me away.

God, how I hated what this city had done to me.

I’d tried getting back up on my feet. On the days I wasn’t watching Clara I was out doing interviews. I interviewed at the library as well as at several office buildings for secretarial positions. I did an interview with a fast food restaurant to be a manager. I interviewed with the grocery store I had left, to pursue being a nanny again, in the hopes they would have pity on me and take me back. I even interviewed with the complex Derek lived in to be the main nighttime desk attendant. I figured Franz and I could have some laughs while working side-by-side.

But none of the jobs ever called me back.

I looked over at the clock just as I finished putting the shepherd’s pie in the freezer and realized I was running behind. I had yet another job interview that would probably result in another business throwing my resume in the trash can, but it was with the electronics store up the road. I knew nothing about electronics, and I was very upfront about that, but I did know a thing or two about coordinating schedules and handling large sums of money, and they had agreed to give me an interview. No, with Derek not changing my pay rate, I didn’t technically need a job at all… but sitting in Franz’s apartment all by myself four days a week wasn’t doing much for my mental state. I kept thinking and daydreaming about Derek.

I kept thinking about how his skin felt that night against mine; about how his eyes were so intent on what they wanted, and how his lips felt nestled against me. I would recall, time and time again, what it felt like for him to lay me down on that couch and slither his chiseled body in between my legs. I would lie in bed and imagine what it would have felt like to have had his bare chest against mine, or those luscious lips wrapped around my pert nipples. He had this thing he did when he kissed me that night where he took the tip of his tongue and slowly raked it along the roof of my mouth.

I envisioned many times in Franz’s shower what his tongue would’ve felt like between my thighs.

He was everywhere. Every time I cooked I kept asking myself if Derek would like it. Every time I showered, I kept wondering if he would slip in behind me. Every time I rolled over, my body begged for him to be there. I carried a heavy weight of guilt around with me for not caving in to him that night. At the time, it made sense: Mr. Blake was a playboy: a man who never took “no” for an answer; a shark in his business and a predator in his sex life! Of course I should’ve turned him down!

Now, though, all I wanted to do was rewind time and bathe my body in his.

I’d had the chance to show him how I felt for him. At the time, I hadn’t loved him. At least, I hadn’t thought I did. My body had known, however. His touch had ricocheted goosebumps up my arms and his kiss had flooded the space between my thighs, but my mind hadn’t known. It was as if my heart had been screaming a message my body heard full-force but my mind had refused to believe.

I had fallen for Derek even before I’d known it.

And, in a way, I think I’d always been in love with Derek.

I mean, some people don’t believe in soulmates. I sure as hell don’t believe in soulmates. But, we’d jived. There had been a natural rhythm to us. His snide cocky facade had soon fallen and I was able see the man living underneath. We’d gone grocery shopping and taken turns bedding Clara down and had stayed up to drink alcohol and talk.

That’s the kind of stuff you do with someone you want to be around.

It’s not what happens with some standard booty call or conquest.

My body had wanted him so badly that night… but I was only now realizing, as I walked up the street to the electronics store, that my body didn’t only want him.

My body wanted to love him.

I sighed and stopped at the crosswalk before I raised my head from the ground. Tears were normal for me now, so it didn’t shock me when I had to wipe them off my face. I took my phone out of my pocket and breathed a sigh of relief when I realized I had fifteen more minutes until my interview, because that meant I could stand here for a little while and piece myself back together.

I didn’t want to hate my life. I didn’t want to grow older and be that person that regretted every single decision they had ever made. I wanted to travel and explore. I wanted to make memories and partake in laugher. I wanted to cry because I was happy, not because I was sad or depressed. I wanted my tears of joy to be at my best friend’s wedding, or even my own. I wanted my tears of joy to be at the birth of my own children, or watching as my children had children of their own.

I wanted to renew my vows with the love of my life and hold him in my arms until our fiftieth wedding anniversary. I wanted to take vacations that were interrupted with work; and have fights about those interruptions, just so he could throw my body against a wall and pump his body into mine while murmuring how sorry he was for yelling at me earlier.

I wanted to know what it was like to have a partner.

I wanted to know what Gracie had with Derek.

Scratch that.

I just simply wanted what Gracie had.

I took a deep breath right before a large roll of thunder sounded overhead, and I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket before I ran across the intersection. I reached the electronics store and walked in just before the rain unleashed, and stood there looking around at the items for sale inside it as customers slowly shuffled their way around me.

I could feel it again: the city was crying with me.

“You Madeline?” a voice called out from the counter.

“Yes, sir,” I turned around and smiled.

“Follow me.”

I followed the stranger into a back room before he motioned for me to sit in a chair. He asked me a few questions about my resume before beginning to talk about himself – a lot. I nodded listlessly while my mind drifted to the muffled sound of the rain battering against the roof of the shop. I watched his muted mouth drone on about all of his own life accomplishments, before my name pierced the small office’s air again and ripped me from my thoughts.

“Any experience in the retail industry?” he asked.

“I worked in a grocery store for two years,” I smiled.

“Good, good,” he said before he started writing some notes down. I didn’t care what he wrote down, to be honest. I didn’t care what anyone in that store did. I just needed something to occupy my time during the majority of the week. I was intentionally interviewing in establishments that held no semblance of memory that could trigger anything related to Derek. I needed to escape him: to walk far enough beyond his grasp that his mere essence couldn’t rip me back to where I had started.

Suddenly, someone ducked their head into the room, and the cologne I knew so well filled the enclosed space with a stifling smell I was sure had been unique just to Derek.

And it was, because tears began to rise to my eyes and my mind flooded me with images of him and his smile, and all I could do was stand up from my seat and try to get out of the room. I pushed past the stranger that held the intoxicating scent before I made my way back out to the main showroom. I heard the man interviewing me calling my name, trying to get me to come back to the interview.

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t step out into this damn city without being reminded of him.

He was everywhere: his face, his money, his conquests, his rumors, his whisperings, his reputation, his scent. He filled every dark corner of his city with something of his, and it felt like I couldn’t run far enough away to get outside of the scope of influence that was Derek Blake.

I ran across the street as car horns began to blare, and all I could do was run as fast as my legs could carry me while my body became drenched with rain. Lightning pierced the sky and thunder rolled so hard the lampposts shook, and the only thing I could think about as I tried to fit the my trembling key into Franz’s apartment door was how beautiful the storm would have been if I had been witnessing it from Derek’s home.

Watching from behind those beautiful windows, I would have happily allowed him to press me up against them.

I shoved my shoulder into the door and poured myself into the apartment. I lay on the floor and kicked the door closed with my foot, and I simply rolled onto my side and began to heave. I’d made up my mind right then and there that I had to quit. At this point, the money didn’t matter. I had been so in control of myself and my emotions until Derek fucking Blake came swooping in a mere six weeks ago, and now I couldn’t even walk down the street without throwing myself into a mild panic attack.

I had to quit – for my sanity and for my health.

But just as I took a deep breath and began to calm my trembling body, my phone began to ring.

Without looking at the number, I pulled it from the pocket of my soaked pants before swiping at it and holding it up to my ear.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“It’s me again,” Eleanor said.

I sighed heavily and braced myself for it.

“I’m fired, aren’t I?”

“No.”

“Then why are you calling?”

“Not a good time?” Eleanor asked.

“The storm caught me,” I sighed.

“Well, this should warm you up a bit. Mr. Blake’s lawyer called and informed me in an official capacity that your status as live-in nanny is to be reinstated.”

I felt the wind being ripped from my lungs as I shot upright from the floor.

“What?” I choked out.

“Mr. Blake wants you and your things back at his place by 8 AM.”

“Eight AM… tomorrow?”

“Must be some storm,” Eleanor giggled. “Are you up for the job? I know it’s been a rollercoaster of baby mama drama.”

Apparently I didn’t even know the half of it.

“He wants a live-in nanny. You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“So… it’ll be me, the baby, Derek, and Gracie?” I breathed.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss what has happened with the mother, but I’m sure Mr. Blake will probably fill you in,” Eleanor stated.

“Derek’s lawyer didn’t say anything about it?”

The pause on the other end of the line meant Eleanor had caught my use of his first name. I silently cringed on the other end of the line and started running through all the lies I could tell her as to why I was addressing him so informally. I could tell her he simply told me to call him that, or I could tell her I only referenced him in that way when I wasn’t around him. I could put up some feminist fight about how I didn’t need to address any man, formally, in any regard, but Eleanor spoke before I could.

“No. Mr. Blake’s lawyer didn’t say anything about it; only that she was no longer at the residence.”

My heart ached for Clara in that very moment. She’d been born into the world without a father, was left by her mother, only to have her family reunited before it was torn apart again.

And I couldn’t help myself from wondering whether or not Derek was alright.

“Tell Der-... I-I mean Mr. Blake… that I accept this new contract, and that I’ll be there at 8 AM sharp.”

“Will do,” Eleanor clipped. “And Madeline?”

“Hmm?”

“Be careful.”

The phone call was cut, the line was silent, and I let out the breath I was holding as I stared at the wall. Six weeks ago, I’d met a man that would change my life forever, only to be thrown out of the place that felt like home four weeks later. Now, two weeks after that incident, I was being asked to come back.

I didn’t know what had happened, and I didn’t know if they were all right; what I did know was that I needed to get my ass off this floor and start doing some laundry.

I was going to be up packing tonight.