hannah
Fifteen times…
I still wasn’t exactly sure how the heck you slept with someone by accident fifteen times, but I’d done it.
I guess it wasn’t exactly an ‘accident’ per se, but I’d sure as hell told myself after each time that it wouldn’t happen again, but every single time, it damn well happened again.
Half of my brain was telling me to stop being so bloody stubborn and to just give into it. I liked Jasper; I liked him a lot if I was being honest with myself.
I liked him too much. That was the problem.
That was where the other half of my brain came in – the half telling me that it was a terrible idea, that he’d realise I wasn’t worth the hassle and then he’d leave… and I’d be left hurt and alone.
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and cursed myself for not having a higher sense of self worth.
I never went anywhere without my hair done and my face made up, Lotte was the only person that had seen me without it all since I first started doing it – and that was mainly because she had mad skills and I preferred her to do it for me, but also because I trusted her. I’d never once felt judged by my best friend. I knew she thought I was a nutter sometimes, but she loved me for it and she was always there for me, no matter what.
Even when I’d put on that ridiculous skanky outfit and plastered far too much makeup over my face, I knew she thought I looked like a hooker, but I could still remember what she’d told me when we’d got back home.
It was when I’d put on my pyjamas and washed off my mask.
“See… that is the real Hannah, this girl right here. I know you feel like you’re not enough, but you’re so much more than enough. You are kind, honest, caring and beautiful, babe. Any man who wants you any way other than this is not going to be the right man for you, I can guarantee you that, okay? And just in case you don’t believe me, you’re banned from my makeup, indefinitely.”
I’d almost been able to believe her. I’d wanted to believe her, but the part of my brain that told me it couldn’t be true had flared up again and shut me down.
That’s why I was so afraid of trying for something real with Jasper.
That little voice would always be there in the back of my head, whispering lies and giving me doubts.
“What’s up with you today, girl?”
I glanced over at Jess, one of the other stylists who was in the salon today.
Once a fortnight I hired a chair in one of the most upmarket salons in not only the town, but the whole country.
I had my most high-end clients come in on these days.
The day was packed with cuts, colours, up-dos, and styling.
I didn’t retain too many clients down here. It was too much admin. But I had a group of about twenty that I was comfortable with. I had a few models, some business men and women, and quite a few famous men’s wives.
This was the group that I could add another zero to the final price and they wouldn’t even blink before handing over their credit cards.
I wasn’t one to brag, but I had earnt myself a damn good reputation in this business and I was turning people away on the daily.
“Hello… earth to Hannah?” Jess called.
I blinked at my own reflection still staring back at me.
“Sorry, I was away with the fairies.”
“I noticed.” She giggled. “You’ve been doing it all day.”
“Have I?” I replied absently as I swept up the area around my chair.
“I mean, you’re totally on your game when you’ve got a client in the chair, but in between… you look kinda lost.”
She wasn’t wrong.
I was like a lost puppy wandering around, no clue where I was going.
“Are you okay?”
I liked Jess. She was a sweet girl and she seemed to have her shit together. Her husband was a lovely man, and she had a gorgeous two-year-old at home.
She was the perfect person to ask for advice when I couldn’t talk to Lotte.
“Actually, no… have you got time to go for a drink and a chat?”
She smiled at me. “Of course, I’ve always got time for my favourite stylist.”
I smiled gratefully at her. I did her hair for her every six weeks and she returned the favour by doing mine.
“Let me just call Matt and let him know I’ll be late.”
* * *
“So… who is he?” Jess asked as she picked up her glass of red.
I eyed her suspiciously. “I never said it was about a guy.”
She laughed. “Oh, honey, it’s always about a guy.”
I rolled my eyes.
Ain’t that the truth.
“So, who is he and what’s he done wrong?”
She sipped her wine and waited for me to answer her.
I sighed. “He’s done nothing wrong. In fact, if anything, he’s done everything right.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Neither do I,” I groaned. “He’s incredible… he’s patient and kind, he’s sexy as hell, he’s an absolute god in the sack… he’s funny and sweet…”
“I’m not really seeing a problem here… he sounds like a keeper.”
“That’s the problem… I’m scared if I decide to keep him, that one day he’ll decide he doesn’t want to keep me.”
“Oh I see.” She nodded her head. “This is one of those, it’s not you, it’s me, problems then…”
I nodded my head as I swallowed a mouthful of my red. “Totally me.”
She nodded, and I could tell she was thinking it through.
“How often do you see him?”
“Ummmm…” I thought back over the past few weeks. “Nearly every day actually.”
Huh.
I hadn’t realised it was quite so frequent. Jasper had become a part of my everyday life without me even realising it.
“And when you’re not together, do you talk?”
“We text back and forth all day… and if we’re not together in the evening, we talk on the phone until we’re both tired.”
“Okay… and judging by the ‘god in the sack’ comment, I take it that you’re sleeping together?”
I grinned sheepishly. “It was just meant to be one night; a bit of fun and move on… but I guess it just hasn’t worked out that way…”
She laughed. “Yeah, it rarely does…”
“If he wasn’t so freakin’ good at it, it would have been fine,” I grumbled. “We could have been friends.”
She glanced around the room as though she was checking to see if anyone was listening. She leaned in closer to me. “I’ll let you in on a little secret,” she whispered. “A single man and a single woman, who have already had sex and obviously find each other attractive, are never going to be able to be just friends.”
“But—”
“No buts,” she interrupted me. “You can’t tell me that you’d be happy if he called you up and told you that he’d met someone great, can you?”
My eyes widened. “God no,” I blurted out. “That would not be good news.”
She shot me a look that said ‘I told you so’.
Shit.
I groaned and lay my head down on the table.
“Where is he now?” she asked.
“Away for a few days. He’s with Parker on a show.”
I cringed, only realising after I’d spoken that I’d accidently revealed more about my mystery man than I’d intended to.
She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Please tell me you’re talking about Jasper Jones.”
Dammit.
“No comment.” I grabbed my glass and slugged back the last of my drink.
“Oh yes, girl, yes! He is seriously gorgeous.”
“You are not wrong about that.”
“How do you feel about him being gone?”
I scrunched up my nose. “Honestly… I miss him like crazy.”
“Oh, honey, I don’t know why you’re stressing out about getting into a relationship with this guy – you’re already in one.” She giggled.
Oh shit, she might be right…
“I’ll tell you what I think you should do.”
I sat forward, listening intently.
“Take some time to think about it while he’s away. You need to decide if you think he’s worth the risk of getting hurt, because in a relationship you have to be willing to trust the other person… and the other thing you need to do is look in the damn mirror and see how stunning you are, you need to think about how fabulous you are at your job, what a lovely person you are and how Jasper would be lucky to have you, okay?”
I blushed. “I don’t know about that…”
“Well I do.” She patted my hand. “You’re a total catch, Hannah, you just need to see yourself for what you really are.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that.
“I think I need another wine,” I joked.
“Oh hell…” Jess whispered. “Incoming…”
I frowned at her, not understanding what she meant when a tall, dark, handsome stranger appeared at the table next to me.
He flashed me a charming smile.
“Do you think I could I buy you ladies a drink?” he asked.
He was a cute guy, and normally the answer would have been yes, but that was before Jasper.
I groaned again in frustration, setting my head back down on the table.
“Thank you, but no thank you, I’m married, and she’s just figured out that she’s in a relationship.” Jess laughed.
Ah crap.