jasper
Day 1
She was gone.
“Parker,” I croaked into the phone.
“What is it?”
“I need you both over here. Now.”
I hung up before he could ask the fifty thousand questions that I knew he would have rattled off. Just the sound of my voice alone would have been enough to put the fear of God in him. He’d have questions.
It wasn’t like I could answer them anyway.
I looked at the note once more, wondering suddenly if I’d imagined the whole thing. I hadn’t smoked the whacky backy in a long time, but it was still so crazy it was worth a second look.
The words stared at me from the page, taunting me.
My perfect Jasper,
I’m so sorry, but I had to do this.
I had to go.
I want you to know what you’ve always known, that I love you like nothing else in this world. You are the gin to my tonic, the shampoo to my conditioner… the calm to my crazy.
I love you.
God, I love you like crazy.
I found the ring. I know that you are planning on asking me to be your wife, and I want you to know that the answer would always have been yes.
It still is...
If you can find me, then it’s yes.
You’ll have to think hard, Jasper Jones, and I’m already so sorry for putting us both through this, but like I said, it’s something I have to do – I really hope you can find a way to accept that.
I know it’s messed up, but that’s me… and if you understand me like I think you do, then you’ll figure it out.
Hide and seek, baby…
I love you more than I could ever express,
Han x
I closed the lid of the box that housed the engagement ring I’d had personally designed and made for her.
It would have looked perfect sitting on her long delicate finger.
I shook my head in disgust at myself. Here I was, talking about Hannah in past tense, like I’d never win.
It will look perfect.
I’ll find her. I have to.
* * *
“What the actual fuck!” Parker shouted – again.
He’d been pacing the room back and forth for the past thirty or so minutes, doing nothing other than cursing and shouting, and while that was something that I would have normally found entertaining, right now it was just annoying the hell out of me.
“Park,” I growled. “Not helping.”
I glanced over at Charlotte. She appeared to be re-reading Hannah’s letter.
“Little Red,” I called softly.
Her face was a mask of disbelief. She looked like she had zoned out to a far away land.
“Little Red,” I repeated a little louder.
Her eyes blinked several times as she snapped out of it.
“Huh?”
“What do I do?” I murmured, my eyes locked on her face.
Other than me, she knew Hannah better than anyone. She would know what to do, where to start…
She had to…
“I can’t believe she did this to you.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
I could see she was in total shock.
Truthfully, I couldn’t believe it either, Hannah had always kept me guessing, and I loved that about her, but this was so far out of left field I didn’t even know what had hit me yet.
I was a thirty-year-old man, and my girlfriend had just run away from home.
What the hell…
“What do I do?” I asked again.
She shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. “I have no idea, Jasper. I’m so sorry. She’s gone, and I have no idea where you should look.”
“Look?” Parker barked. “You’re not actually considering trying to find her, are you?”
The disgust in his voice was like a dagger to my heart.
Of course I’m going to try.
Fire raged inside me in a flash, pulling me out of the depths of despair and turning me into the protective lion that only Hannah had the power to create inside of me.
I’d go to the ends of the earth trying to protect that woman, and the sudden realisation that I would go at least that far to find her too, nearly put me on my ass.
I’ll find her.
She needs me to find her…
This might have been fucked up in so many ways, but it was Hannah’s way of making sure she was safe. Of making sure that she could trust me. Of making sure that I was worthy of keeping her forever.
I have to win.
If looks could kill, my best friend would be dead and buried from the death stare I was shooting him.
“I’ll… just leave you guys to sort this out…” Charlotte scuttled towards the door, knowing full well that shit was about to go down. “Please don’t kill each other,” she pleaded as she vanished from sight.
“I’m not ‘considering’ trying to find her… I’m telling you I will find her.” I spat the words, not an ounce of uncertainty in my voice.
Parker shot me an exasperated look. “She left you, man. She just up and fucking left you.”
“She hasn’t left me. Not in that sense.”
“And you’re just going to run after her like some kind of trained monkey,” he carried on, ignoring me – his voice rising with every spoken word.
On any other occasion, I would have also found his inability to keep his shit together something worth laughing about, but not today, not now.
“It’s not like that,” I ground out, my own anger threatening to bubble over.
I didn’t want to go at it with my best friend. Rationally, I knew he was just doing what he thought was right – looking out for me. But this was Hannah we were talking about. This wasn’t just some girl. She was my life, and I wasn’t always rational where she was concerned.
“Then tell me what it’s like,” he demanded. “Because if it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then usually, it’s a fucking duck!”
I took a deep breath and tried to remind myself that he was just angry.
He’ll calm down.
“You know, I knew that girl was fucked up, but this is a new low – even for her.”
His words took the last of my resolve with them.
“Don’t you dare talk about my wife that way!” I roared at him, my whole body shaking with barely restrained rage.
Parker recoiled like I had physically slapped him. I never raised my voice like this at him.
“She’s not your wife,” he replied cautiously.
“She will be,” I snapped. “And she is not ‘fucked up’,” I seethed, moving closer towards him with every ragged breath from my lungs.
“You sure about that?”
“I’m fucking sure,” I growled.
We were standing face to face now, mere few inches separating us.
“I know this shit isn’t normal. She’s not normal. And that’s what I fucking love about her. I’m not normal either. Do I like that she’s gone?” I shook my head, letting myself feel the pain. “Hell no I don’t,” I choked out.
“Jasp...”
“But in some kind of screwed-up way, I get it. I know it’s not a game to her, and I know I shouldn’t call it a test, but that’s the best way I can describe it to you.”
“It’s fucked up, J, that’s what it is,” he muttered quietly.
“Maybe it is,” I agreed. “But it’s our fucked up.”
“I just don’t wanna see you hurt.”
“She’s not trying to hurt me. She’d never want that.”
“But she has.”
I nodded slowly. He was right. But he was also wrong.
He doesn’t understand.
I needed to make him understand. “Remember what you said to Lotte on your wedding day, about jumping through hoops?”
I watched as his features softened as he thought about the day that he married the love of his life.
I could remember that day in total crystal clarity.
I could remember every detail as though it was etched into my mind permanently.
It might not have been my own wedding day, but it was one of the most life-altering experiences I’d ever had.
Parker was my best friend – had been forever. Lotte was his soul mate.
Seeing the two of them up there, coming together, with me standing at Parker’s side as his best man, it made me see what was important in this life.
Looking at Charlotte’s beautiful maid of honour at her side had been like looking at an angel.
My Barbie.
Hannah had looked so beautiful in her emerald-green dress, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears as she too witnessed the magic of that day.
That was the exact moment I’d made my decision.
I wanted that for us. Something I thought I’d never find, was now firmly within my grasp.
I decided right then and there that I was going to marry that woman, no matter what it took, no matter the cost.
No matter what it takes…
“I remember.” He spoke, dragging my thoughts back to the present. “I vowed to jump through any hoop she needed me to; that I’d do whatever it took to make sure we had a long and happy life together. It’s the same thing I told her when she let me back into her life and gave me a second chance.”
“Did you mean it?” I asked him. “Would you jump through any hoop?”
“Of course I fucking would,” he growled, apparently offended by my question.
He would. And so would I.
“Well this is my hoop to jump, man.”
He looked into my eyes for a moment before slowly nodding in some kind of understanding.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“I still think it’s fucked up,” he muttered.
I stepped away from him, the anger evaporating from me as I collapsed on the couch.
“It is,” I acknowledged.
“And I’m not happy with her.”
I shrugged, not really caring one way or the other.
“But I’ll help you, J. You’re the only brother I’ve ever had… and I’ll do whatever I can to help you find her, and not because I agree with it, but because I know you’d do it for me.”
I rubbed my temples, trying to fend off the headache I had coming on. “Thanks, man. I think I’m going to need all the help I can get.”
* * *
I could hear their muted voices coming from the kitchen.
I’d fallen asleep on the couch, but it can’t have been for long – it still wasn’t even dark out.
I’d woken with a start, my whole body breaking out in a sweat.
It was just a dream.
I couldn’t shake the vision I’d had of Hannah, standing with her back to me. No matter how fast or hard I ran, every time I looked back up, I wasn’t any closer to catching up to her. She was always too far away.
“Find me, Jasper.”
Her sweet voice was calling to me.
“She could be anywhere in the world, Parker, what if he never finds her?” Charlotte’s voice sounded like her heart was breaking. For me, for her, or for Han, I wasn’t sure, but she was upset – that much was obvious.
This was her best friend – if I didn’t find her, Charlotte might never see her again either.
“He’ll find her, baby, he’ll find her,” Parker reassured her in the lovey-dovey voice he used only with Lotte and only when he thought they were alone.
I couldn’t make jokes though; I had one for Hannah too.
“Please don’t be mad with her,” Lotte begged him, “It won’t help him if you’re hating on her the whole time.”
Parker grunted and muttered something I couldn’t catch.
“She’s my best friend, rock star. I love her even when I think she’s making a mistake.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to like her,” he grumbled.
“No, it doesn’t. But he loves her, Parker. She loves him too. You seem pretty certain that he’ll find her – and when he does, he’ll marry her. She’s his forever and you don’t want to stand in the way of that, because if push comes to shove, he’ll choose her. He’ll choose her every time and then you might lose him… and I know that losing him would kill you.”
“How do you know that?” he asked her quietly.
“Tell me something… if you were given a choice between me and anything, what would you choose?”
“You,” he answered without a moment’s hesitation. He didn’t even need to think about it. And Charlotte was right – neither did I.
Not for a second.
As much as it pained me, if it came down to it, Hannah would win.
She’ll always win.
I sat up on the couch and reached for my phone.
I hit the call button and waited for her voicemail to cut in. I knew she wouldn’t answer. I’d already tried over a dozen times when I’d first found her letter.
She wasn’t going to answer me or anyone else… that much was obvious.
Her voice filled my ears and my breath caught in my throat.
“Hey, you’ve got Hannah, if you think I’d want to call you back, leave me a line, if I won’t – then don’t bother.”
Her familiar giggle was cut off with a beep.
I cleared my throat awkwardly, still unsure of what I wanted to say. I knew the chances were that she had ditched the phone, but she’d taken her charger with her, so I was still holding on to hope that she’d get my message.
“Hannah…” I whispered. “I’ll find you, baby, I swear I’ll find you. I’m broken, barbie, you’ve only been gone a few hours and I miss you like crazy already. I love you… I love you so damn much, and I’ll find you, I promise.”
I hung up the phone and let my head fall into my hands.
“Jasper?” Lotte called softly from the doorway.
I didn’t reply. I couldn’t.
A sob wracked my body.
I’d spent the past two years with this woman. This was our home. She slept next to me every single night and we were hardly ever apart.
“Oh, Jasper.” She rushed over and pulled me into her tiny arms as she sat down next to me. “Shhh, it’s okay, we’ll find her.” She rubbed circles on my back. “You will get her back.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Parker watching from the doorway, a pained look on his face.
“I don’t know how to be me without her anymore, Little Red.”
She didn’t say anything, just hugged me tighter and promised me that it would be okay.