hannah
Day 96
I trudged up the hill with the paper bag of fruit and vegetables perched on top of my shoulder.
It was so damn hot here; I could feel the sweat trailing down my back.
I should have just taken the damn bike.
I’d been a bit gun shy on my bike the past few days.
I’d nearly come off on an early morning ride. The road was wet, and the corner was sharper than I’d anticipated.
A less experienced rider would have eaten shit.
And eaten it hard.
Thankfully, I’d stayed upright and escaped unscathed, if not a little shaken.
That was the last time I’d ridden.
It wasn’t as though I’d never come off a bike before, but I’d never had a tiny little peanut depending on me to keep it safe back then.
My life wasn’t just about me now.
I stopped and rummaged through the bag for an apple. Of course, I’d forgotten to bring water – I wasn’t exactly doing great with looking after myself right now.
My hand bumped the bottle of pregnancy vitamins that I’d picked up from the little pharmacy on my way back from the farmers market.
The doctor had given me a smaller bottle and I’d been holding off on buying more when I’d run out.
I’d thought I would buy them when I got back home.
I was so sure that Jasper would have turned up by now.
I’d imagined him arriving in a variety of different scenarios… we’d be so excited to see each other, and when I would tell him about the baby, half me and half him, he’d be the proudest dad-to-be in the whole world.
But it had been too long. Ninety-six days was a long time, and I needed to face the harsh reality that he might never find me.
He might never come.
I needed to figure out what that meant for me.
For us.
I munched on my apple as I contemplated my options. My feet were killing me by the time the cottage came into view.
I balanced the bag in one arm as I dug around for the key in my pocket.
I pushed the door open wider with my foot and took a deep breath. This place still smelt the same as it always had, it was calming to me.
It’ll all be okay.
The timber had a warmth to it that filled my body with a sense of tranquillity.
I must have been missing Jasper more than usual, because today, I could have sworn his scent hung in the air.
My body longed for his, my mind struggled to function without him, and my heart ached so badly I wasn’t sure how it was still beating.
I dropped the bag onto the counter and headed for the small bedroom that I’d used as a child.
I dug around in the drawers and pulled out the grey jersey of Jasper’s that I had taken with me from our house.
I brought it to my nose and inhaled deeply.
His scent was faded now, but it was still there, if I breathed it in for long enough I could still imagine he was here with his arms around me.
I sat down on the foot of the bed and reached for my cell phone.
I pulled up the number for my voicemail and hit call.
I hadn’t heard anything from him for a week and I had a dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I might have gone too far…
That he might have stopped looking…
I listened as the automated voice informed me that I had no new messages. I hit the key for the saved folder and put the phone up to my ear.
The message had been left at two o’clock in the morning. I could tell he hadn’t slept. His voice was pained, and he was drunk as a skunk.
“I’m hurting, baby… I’m hurting so bad… I don’t know what to do, Hannah, what if I’m not worthy? What if I can’t do it? I need you, barbie girl… god, I miss you.” The line cut off, but not before I heard him let out a sob.
Tears fell down my cheeks. That was one week ago.
He’s given up.
How can I do this to him?
What the hell am I doing?
I glanced around the small room – my safe place – and it hit me just how stupid I’d been.
I didn’t need him to find me.
He already had. He’d found every piece of me that I’d kept hidden and he’d carefully unwrapped it and made me see that it was okay to be me.
He was my safe place.
He loved me for my quirks. He wanted me exactly how I was.
Tyler was right.
I am worth it.
I grabbed my suitcase out of the closet and hastily emptied the contents of the drawers into it.
I was attempting to squeeze the zip closed when I felt the change in the air.
“You going somewhere, baby?”
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to decide if this was another dream or if he was really here this time.
He’d come for me so often in my dreams, but whenever I got close enough to touch him, he’d disappear, and I’d wake up in tears.
I dropped the case and turned around, ever so slowly.
There was no one there.
A lone tear rolled down my face.
“Time to wake up,” I sobbed to myself.
“No, it’s time to come home.” He stepped into the doorway and my heart sped up in my chest.
God, he was so gorgeous. He looked different this time. He’d cut his hair; it wasn’t super short, but it was nowhere near the length he’d had it when I’d left. And his beard… it was gone, in its place, golden, groomed stubble that looked incredible on him.
I can smell him.
This was the best dream I’d had yet, even though it would be over soon, nothing and no one had ever looked this good.
I nodded. “It is time to go home.”
He stepped towards me.
I held up my hand to stop him. “No, please, just stay a little longer.”
He smirked and stepped closer again.
I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable – the moment I would wake up and be alone again.
“I plan on staying a long time, forever if you’ll have me.”
He was so close now I could smell the mint on his breath before it disappeared with a whoosh.
I kept my eyes closed tight, trying to hold on to the fantasy for as long as I possibly could.
I shuddered as I felt the warmth of his hands in mine. He was touching me, and I hadn’t woken up.
“Hannah, open your eyes and look at me,” he demanded softly.
I shook my head. “You’ll disappear.”
He chuckled, and the sound filled my body with heat.
“I’m not going anywhere, baby.”
I took a deep breath.
May as well get it over with.
I opened my eyes slowly.
He was still there, in front of me.
Down on one knee.
“Holy shit,” I breathed. “Get up, what are you doing?” I tugged his hands. “Oh my god, you’re really here. You’re actually here, Jesus, you look so good. I thought I was dreaming… I can’t believe you found me… you shaved your beard…” I was rambling now, but I couldn’t make it stop.
“Hannah, can you stop talking for five seconds?” The commanding tone he used caused my mouth to snap shut. “I’m kinda in the middle of something here.”
Oh my god…
Is he…?
Holy shit.
“Okay, but you don’t have to get on one knee,” I blurted out. “Sorry,” I mouthed as I realised that I was doing a shitty job of being quiet.
He chuckled and shook his head. “You don’t know how happy I am to see that you’re still my chatterbox, barbie.”
I grinned at him. “I am,” I promised. “But I swear to god, if you don’t get up off that ground, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
He slowly got to his feet, a cheeky grin on his face. “I thought I’d better do it the right way.”
I snorted. “The right way? What part of any of this has been done the right way?”
“Touché.” He chuckled. “Now are you going to shut up long enough to marry me or what?”
My heart thumped in my chest as he wrapped his arms around my middle and pulled me against his firm body.
I sighed and nearly cried in relief at having him here with me.
This wasn’t a dream.
This was real.
He’s here.
He came for me.
I shrugged. “I guess so. It’s not like I have anything else planned.”
He laughed, but tipped my head up so he could look into my eyes.
“Seriously though? You’ll marry me?”
He looked legitimately worried that I might say no, and my heart broke for him. That was never what I wanted to happen. I never wanted him to second-guess my feelings for him.
“Yes, Jasper Jones. I’ll marry you anywhere, anytime.”
He laughed gleefully, almost like a child, and I smiled as I imagined our child laughing like that one day.
He rested his forehead against mine. “God, I missed you,” he breathed.
“I missed you too, I was coming back… I made a mistake. I’m so sorry I put you through thi—”
He caught my lips in a kiss, cutting off my rambled apology.
My body flooded with warmth at the familiar contact, the smell and the feel of him.
It was everything I’d been missing and everything I’d ever need.
I kissed him back with every pent-up emotion that I’d had these past few months, until we were both left gasping for air.
“I have something for you.” He pulled the bright-pink box out of his pocket. “I know it’s a bit of a traditional gesture, and I know you’ve already seen the ring, but I’d really like to be the one to put it on your finger.”
I didn’t say a word, just held up my left hand to him.
He slid the huge pink stone into place on my long finger, and the victorious look on his face was enough to let me know that he wasn’t about to hold a grudge against me for leaving him.
We stayed like that for the longest time, him looking at my hand, me looking at him.
“We need to talk about… something…” I finally broke the silence.
He shook his head in disagreement, his eyes still lingering on his ring on my finger.
“Jasper, we really do.”
I was desperate to tell him he was going to be a father, and I needed to apologise to him for causing him to miss the time that he had – not that anything much had happened other than me puking every morning.
“No, we don’t,” he told me firmly. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I didn’t have moments where it hurt like hell.”
“I got your messages,” I cut in. “I know I hurt you.”
“I knew you were getting them.”
“How?” I demanded.
“We’ll get to that, baby, I promise.”
“You got my messages, so you know I was hurting. And god I missed you, but I understand what you were thinking, I know why you left.”
“I was wrong,” I butted in.
He laughed. “For God’s sake, woman, just let me talk.”
I scrunched up my nose and did my best to be quiet.
“You needed to make sure you were safe with me, that you could trust me to keep you, am I right? You needed to figure out for yourself that I’ll never leave you… that you were worth having, right?”
I nodded, tears filling my eyes. He knew me so well, I’d been so foolish to test him and myself like this.
“This is your safe place, Hannah, you glow here. I can see that. But you glow with me too. I’ll never hurt you. I swear on my life, I’ll never make you feel like you need to be anything other than you. Hell, I promise I’ll never want you to be anything that you’re not… I adore you. I love everything about you, baby, even when you’re driving me bat-shit crazy, I still wouldn’t change a damn thing. I love you, because you’re you.”
“Jasper…” I breathed.
“You can trust me, Hannah Montgomery; I’ll spend the rest of our lives proving that if I need to.”
“You don’t.”
“But I would,” he promised. “I’d do anything it took, I’d find you anywhere.”
“I’ll never leave again.”
He kissed my forehead, his lips lingering. “I know you won’t.”
“I was coming home.”
“I can see that.” He smirked, looking at my stuffed-full suitcase. “But we can’t leave just yet.”
“I know. I need to tell you something first.”
“I know everything, baby, everything, it’s a long story, but I’ll tell you it all.”
I smiled at him and wiggled free of his arms. “You don’t know this. Nobody does.”
He watched me curiously as I went into the bathroom and emerged holding a small cardboard box.
“I got you something.” I stood in front of him, nerves fluttering in my stomach.
He reached out and took the box from my outstretched hands.
Ever so slowly he lifted the lid.
I swear I could hear my heart beating as he gazed into the box.
He was silent for so long I was worried he didn’t know what he was looking at. I was about to tell him what it was and explain what it meant when he spoke.
“I’m gonna be a dad?” His voice cracked.
I nodded, the tears flowing again.
Damn hormones.
He pulled out one of the sticks that I’d peed on – there were three in there along with one of the pictures I’d been given at the ultrasound.
I had to be certain.
His eyes were wide with wonder as he stared at the two pink lines.
He reached into the box and lifted out the ultrasound image.
“Holy shit, that’s a baby.”
“You’re gonna be a dad,” I whispered.
“When?” He shoved the picture back in the box and then dropped the whole box onto the bed before grabbing me and reaching for my stomach.
“There’s a little bump,” he whispered as he ran his hand tenderly over my sensitive skin.
“I’m about three and a half months along.”
“I put that in you.”
His words sent shivers though my body. He was so primal, so raw and rugged.
When Jasper gave you something, he gave his everything.
That’s what I had, I had everything. His whole heart, his mind, his body... and the only time I’d ever have to share him would be with our baby – babies if Jasper had his way.
It was the best feeling in the world.
“You put that in me,” I confirmed. “Thank you, Jasper. Thank you for finding me, for loving me… for giving me everything, even when I don’t deserve it.”