The day I met Roan, I wasn’t myself. I’d just finished work and was attending a function for work. Being a lawyer we ran in the same circles, except the law I practiced was different to Roan’s. They handle business, I handle children’s welfare—I basically fight for the rights of children. Slipping into that field came easy to me, because of Orion. Remembering the way he was raised, as well as his friends, I thought I could make our world better than what it is today. It had to be.
My brother and Roan aren’t fond of my chosen field. They both think it takes too much of me, and there’s not enough money to be earned from practicing this type of law. The problem is they’re right. Each case takes part of my soul, little by little, removing parts of my soul. But the satisfaction I get is well worth it. They both earn triple my salary, and more than I could ever want to earn. I wasn’t living a bad lifestyle before I met Roan, I was comfortable and happy.
Still, I haven’t touched my inheritance from my grandparents. They were beyond wealthy, and into the super-rich category. So are my parents, who refused to visit me when I was living in the small apartment I rented. They were disgusted that a daughter of theirs could possibly want to live that way, when she had enough money to buy ten penthouses and live in the city center. But I had no care about what they thought at the time.
Things changed when I moved in with Roan at his luxury penthouse. Now they have no qualms about visiting and brown-nosing with him.
Sebastian introduced us. I wonder if Orion knew then that my first serious relationship after him... I met through my brother. The only reason I felt comfortable at the beginning around Orion was because he looked at the world as if it were against him, as if he were fighting an invisible battle, and I wanted to stand next to him to see if he could fight my battles as well—my family’s expectations, my world.
The moment we connected, I knew I’d fight right along with him, from that first night my lips laid on his. The way Orion’s hands wrapped around my waist, possessive but gentle, all in one. To the way he wouldn’t let it go any further and insisted on driving me back to my house after our kiss.
I think about that kiss a lot. It was my first kiss. My absolutely, without a doubt, best kiss. How many girls can say that? That their first kiss was an epic one. I’m sure not many. Maybe it wasn’t even epic, but from years of kissing Orion, his kisses held something new and exciting. A piece of him he gave me that day without even knowing it. Because we became addicted to each other. Like a cigarette, the nicotine eating away and causing the most intense dependency. It’s one of the most addictive things in the world, a cigarette, but I think I’d found something to knock that out the park—Orion. He was my number one addiction, and I was his.
This is probably why my love for Roan isn’t as strong. It doesn’t have that same powerfulness of my previous relationship. We could go days without seeing each other—we do because we both work crazy hours— or without even a phone call. Orion, well I couldn’t go hours without hearing his voice because it did things to me. Good as well as bad. Addictive.
I tried to change the feelings in the beginning, to call Roan frequently, and visit him at work. Nice. That’s the only word I have to describe it. He loves me, of that I’m sure, I just don’t think he loves me in the way he should. Being the first woman to make his heart beat doesn’t mean he should pick me. Yet, he did. And now we’re due to be married.
What a crazy life I seem to be living.
Everyone in my family loves him. He’ll be the perfect son-in-law, or so I’m told.
No one liked Orion. Even in the end, my brother didn’t want us together. We were bad for each other, so they said. You couldn’t tell me that, though.
In the end, Orion broke me, and not in the best way. In the worst way possible.
“Lotus.” Roan’s voice breaks through my scattered thoughts. Thoughts I shouldn’t be having about another man when he’s standing right in front of me, with his shirt in his hands as we get ready to go to my parents' for dinner.
Last night while he kissed my body and whispered ‘I love you’ in my ear, as he pushed deep inside of me, my head wasn’t with him. Roan knew because he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired and curled onto my side and went to sleep.
Today’s a new day. Today I can focus all my energy on loving this man and growing a future with him.
He is good.
He loves me.
My mantra—one day it will stick hard, and hopefully, it won’t be too late. Because that would suck.
“Your brother is bringing a date.”
I laugh. That isn’t happening, Sebastian would never bring a date. He’s simply making a friend tag along. He does it to them all the time. Tells them he’s bringing a date to dinner, and what do you know when we get there, it’s purely one of his so-called friends.
Sebastian likes to fuck with you, to make you freak, then he laughs. We all know Sebastian is a bigger whore than anyone I know. So for everyone to think he’s gay isn’t a surprise. He just likes to be the topic of conversation. The center of attention. I’m hoping one day he’ll meet a girl that will knock him down off his pedestal.
Usually, we dress up. Roan’s dressed well, he looks like he’s about to go into the office. I’m not feeling it, and I know my parents will be disappointed as I should be dressed to their stupid expectations. They’re both well-dressed hosts and that’s how we were raised. Attending in jeans plus a cardigan will not be acceptable, but right now I don’t really care.
Roan talks about work and asks me about mine as we drive. I smile, nod, and do all the things I should, to show I’m half listening. Pulling up out the front of their house, I wait in the car for Roan to come around and open the car door to let me out. He offers me his hand, helping me, then places it on the small of my back as we walk up the stairs.
My mother is the first to greet us. After pulling the door open, all I can hear is Sebastian’s laugh bellowing from inside. Her eyes lock on mine, and for the first time ever I see fear in my mother’s eyes. They change as fast as it appeared, then she greets and pulls us in for a hug.
Her delicate hand touches my arm, stopping me from going any further. “Just a word, dear.”
Roan nods his head and continues to walk to my brother.
She’s strict, she is beautiful, and she is my mother. Fuck, I love her even with her crazy ways. Turning toward her, she shuts the door then waits until everyone has disappeared inside before her painted red lips open. “Orion is here.”
Beat.
Beat.
Beat.
Can you hear it?
Can you feel it?
That’s my heart wanting to leap from my chest and take off running in one direction—to wherever he is.
“W-w-w-why?” The word stutters out. I can’t seem to spit it out properly.
She places her hand on my stomach the same way she used to when I was a child. “Breathe baby.”
Taking her advice, I take a deep breath, trying to calm my ever-running heart.
“Sebastian brought him. I swear that boy doesn’t have brains sometimes. I did clip him across the back of his head, so don’t you worry.” She leans in, and with a one-arm cuddle to the side of my waist, she reassures me. Then she notices what I’m wearing. “Gosh Lotus, what do you have on?”
I laugh. It feels cathartic to laugh. Mom’s face is serious, though, as she shakes her head at my attire.
“I bet you wish you dressed more appropriately now. Hey?”
Another laugh. Was that my mother’s lame attempt to make a joke, or make me feel better? And why would she say that? Does she know?
She starts walking to the door that I know everyone is now behind, her heels click on the marble-tiled floor. Taking a deep breath, I gather myself enough to follow her.
Pushing the same door she just went through open, everyone’s voices die down. Looking up, I see they’re watching me—all of them, even Orion. Smiling, I walk straight to Roan, who I hope has absolutely no idea what’s happening.
I wonder if he knows? He couldn’t.
Does he think it’s suspicious that everyone went quiet?
The way he smiles at me says he doesn’t, that maybe it’s all in my head.
“Babe, this is Orion,” Roan introduces me.
Like I didn’t know who the man standing in front of me is, with a look so dangerous it makes me want to jump all over him.
“Oh, no need, they know each other. Right sis?”
My eyes find Sebastian fast, he smirks and sips his drink.
“Yes, from high school actually,” I reply, hoping my voice doesn’t change as I speak. It does, it so fucking does, it sounds squeaky even to me.
“Awesome. Maybe you can tell me a few stories about this one. Would be good to know all before the big day. Lotus doesn’t speak much about her past.”
Everyone’s eyes are on him now. They all know the reason. It hurts, it hurts so damn bad. But it was the best thing to do, to never speak of what had happened, and try to move on with my life.
“Orion knows her the best,” Sebastian pushes again.
My mother does something to him, pinches him perhaps, as my father talks of football to change the subject.
Roan knows something’s off because his posture is not relaxed. He’s rigid as he listens.
“Let’s eat, shall we?” Mom says.
The meal is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever had in this household. People talk, but eyes are on me the entire time and not the ones of my fiancé either. The moment everyone is finished, and my father announces drinks in the living room, I want to sigh with relief. Everyone walks off, even Orion, who I’m trying my hardest to not look at. I don’t even want to know what he’s wearing, seeing his face is enough for me. If I went lower, imagining what’s underneath that clothing, I’d be fucked.
“You okay, babe?” As soon as everyone is gone, those are the words that leave Roan’s mouth.
Slipping in between his arms, so I’m lying my head on his chest, I nod my head. “Was just a bad case today, you know how I get with them.” He takes my cheeks in his hands and kisses my head.
It was hard today, I lost two kids to their fucked-up parents, but emotionally this is going to be a lot worse, I just know it. He guides me into the living room, and we walk in. Orion’s directly across from me. I feel his stare as he watches Roan pull’s my chair out and waits for me to sit. That’s just the type of man Roan is, he’s a good man. The man I want.
Then my eyes lift as Sebastian says something to Orion. He’s watching me, just as I’m watching him right now. No humor or happiness left in his features, he’s staring trying to see inside me, but my wall goes up. I stare back at him as if he’s no one. I’ve conquered my stare, mastered it even. Orion’s head drops ever so slightly to the side, he knows what I’m doing, and he doesn’t like it. He hates it, always has. Our beautiful, yet fucked-up relationship, made me an expert in staring.
Drinks are served in front of us, breaking our staring match. Looking down then to my side, Roan is still chatting with my brother and my mother. When I look up Orion is watching me.
My father seems intrigued by whatever my brother and fiancé are talking about so I listen more intently.
“Tell me, Orion, Lotus said she didn’t have many friends in school. Were you her friend?”
My eyes stay down, I don’t want to hear his answer. I don’t want to know what he thinks.
“You could say that… I guess.”
My body tenses at his words. Roan stares at me, and I pretend to sip my drink, playing with the straw and ignoring the conversation. Then I hear my father’s voice and I want to smile.
“Roan, Sebastian said you wanted to show me some aspects of your new case. I have a few minutes until my game starts.” They reach for their beers, stand, and walk off talking.
Turning, I notice my mother still sitting there. Her eyes aren’t on me, they’re on someone else who hasn’t moved from his seat.
“I’m just going to wash up.” I don’t even bother laughing at her lie. My mother hasn’t washed a dish in, well, ever.
“Why are you here?” My voice is harsh while I play with my drink, not lifting my eyes to him.
“You don’t want to look at me, Lotus. You’re not shy, don’t act like you are to me. I’m not him, you can’t fool me.”
My eyes shoot up to look at him, he’s leaning his hands on his chin as he watches me.
“You’re an asshole.”
His lip quirks. “That I am, but I was your asshole once.”
“Why are you here, Orion?” I ask again more calmly.
“Sebastian’s my lawyer. He invited me.”
“Of course he did.”
“Not everything revolves around you.”
My eyes go wide, and my drink drops a little in my hand. Then I laugh, my head goes back and tears drip down my cheeks. The drink is tipping all down my legs, and I don’t even care. Looking back at him, he’s watching me with a smirk. Orion’s dressed in a suit, one that fits every aspect of him perfectly. It’s dark blue with a white button-up shirt underneath his jacket. His beautifully defined jaw with just the tiniest bit of scruff, plus his thick black hair, makes him a walking sex machine and he knows it.
“Oh, don’t I know it,” I scoff at him.
He shakes his head.
“What illegal business are you into now, Orion? You better not be involving my brother in whatever crap you’re in, either.”
“That’s the thing about you, isn’t it, Lotus. To everyone else, you’re the sweetest, most caring. Yet to me…” Orion’s fingers tap on the table. He looks down then back to me, stopping the tapping. “To me, you’re you. No hiding.”
“Are you calling me a bitch?” I ask him, trying not to let his words sink. He is right, though, his words are one-hundred percent spot on. With him, no barriers are needed, he will break them down anyway. I’m the only one he can’t master, the one that’s pained him more than everything else.
“Never, Lotus.” Just as he finishes saying my name, everyone walks back in. I look away from him and back to my spilled drink.
The rest of the night goes by reasonably fast, with me not looking up, even when he leaves, even when I can feel him directly behind me.
The power that he holds over me scares me in more ways than I care to admit.
When will his chains be loosened?