Cole kisses my cheek as he drops me off at work. He didn’t have to bring me all the way in, I said I could find another way, but he insisted. Yumi dropped clothes off for me last night, plus some ointment for my wrists which are still bright red, but my shirt luckily covers most of it. Cole has offered me to stay at his. I don’t even know what I plan to do. For the first time in a long time I have no house, apartment, no place to call my own.
Where did my independence go to?
“Thanks,” I say, closing the door. Yumi had to leave to fly back to the US in the early hours this morning. She’s left her spare house keys in my bag for me to stay there. But it’s not mine. The only place where it ever felt like mine was Orion’s home. The one we decorated and made an actual home together after his mother left. He was living with nothing, just a mattress, until I moved in. We saved our money and decorated it all ourselves, mostly from garage sales with furniture we painted ourselves, putting our own touch on everything.
Turning after I watch Cole drive away, I walk into my office and recognize the suit that’s waiting at the door. My feet stop, my heart pumps, and I can hear it pushing my blood through my ears. He notices me, and a small smile appears on his lips. He’s still sporting a black eye. Roan looks uncomfortable for the first time in a long time. He rubs his shoulder, possibly an injury from Orion, and takes a few steps toward me while I stay exactly where I am. The minute he reaches me, his hands drop to his sides. Roan seems to not stand as tall as I remember him always being. Was I blind, too? Just another thing to add to the fucking mix.
“Roan, I didn’t expect…”
He nods his head. No reason for me to finish that sentence.
“Look, I know I scared you. I know I was an ass. I was afraid I’d lose you, which has obviously happened anyway.” His hand comes up to run the length of his tie, straightening it, then dropping his hand again. “Do you think I could ask for one more date? Maybe just to see what’s there. I do love you, Lotus.”
Shifting from one heel to the next, my body moves uncomfortably. “Look, I don’t know.” His lips are turned down because he was expecting that kind of answer from me. “It’s not you, though, please know that. I do love you, too. But maybe not in the way you were hoping I could.”
“I don’t think he deserves you.”
“And that’s your opinion, which you’re allowed to have. But no one really knows Orion the way I do. They all just think they do.”
He shakes his head, then leans in, his lips touch my cheek, hanging on a little longer than a friendship kiss. “I’m sorry, Lotus, for everything.”
“So am I.” I kiss him back, just a quick peck on his cheek. He doesn’t hang around after that, walking away, not looking back, and I wonder if it was the smart thing to do. To say goodbye to a man that would have been good for me. Probably not. But then again… you never know.
“Where is he?” My father’s voice booms from the television room. He’s watching his sports channel, waiting for my brother. Plus, he was expecting Roan, who isn’t here tonight. We try to come once a week, and I didn’t want to change the plans because I enjoy spending time with them. Life is just so busy sometimes, and I need to find the time to come down. They bring me back down to earth and settle me.
My mother walks in, her perfume is what I smell before I even see her. She smiles largely. She was never an over-affectionate person growing up, but slowly, ever so slowly she’s changing. She kisses me on the cheek, looks behind me then back to me.
“Lotus?” She doesn’t have to ask the full question, I haven’t come to a dinner by myself since I’ve been with Roan and she’s wondering why.
“Maybe I should tell you and Daddy together?” I ask, looking across the room where my father is sitting with a wine in his hand. She nods her head, shuts the door behind me then follows me in. As I sit down, the door opens again. Sebastian walks in, smiling this time with no date, thank God.
“In here,” my mother calls out. She mutes the TV, turning to me, waiting for me to speak.
“Where’s Roan, Lotus?” my father asks before I’m even able to say a word. My mother shushes him then turns back to me.
“He had a black eye today, did you do that?” Sebastian asks me.
“No, Lotus. You didn’t do that to him, did you?” my mother asks.
Goddamn, no one is letting me speak.
“No, she wouldn’t have done that, Cher. Lotus is a quiet girl,” my father says while shaking his head.
“Oh no she isn’t,” my brother says.
“I broke it off with him. Orion gave him a black eye,” I yell, trying to be heard. They all shut up immediately, and their eyes turn to me.
“Orion punched Roan?” my mother asks in confusion.
“Don’t worry…” Turning to Sebastian. “Will you shut up, just for once?” He looks taken aback but nods his head. Turning to my mother, I address her next. “You know I didn’t love him, not the way I was meant to.”
She nods her head, understanding as well.
“You love that other man,” my father says.
I don’t tell him he’s right. I’m pretty sure the whole world knows the answer to that. So I’ll keep it to myself.
“Well, I guess now would be as good a time as any since we’re coming clean.” Sebastian stands, pulls a ring from his pocket then slides in onto his finger, his wedding finger. “I’m married.” My mother’s hand goes to her forehead, she’s white as a ghost. I almost think she is about to faint when she stands and slaps him across the face hard, the sound echoing all through the TV room.
“Mum,” he says touching his face.
“Where is she?”
I sit down, take my father’s glass of wine, and I’m glad the distraction is off of me for a change. “In the car.”
I almost spit the wine out, almost.
My mother starts walking away. We hear the front door open, followed by her heels as she walks down the steps to where his car is parked. Then we listen as she comes back up. Walking in with a small woman behind her who’s dressed, well… is she dressed? Sebastian walks over to her, his hand goes to her shoulder, and he pulls her to his side. Looking down to my father, whose eyes haven’t blinked since she came in, I laugh. He’ll need more wine once he realizes that Sebastian isn’t lying.
I walk up to her and she smiles. I remember her from one of Cole’s parties he used to have. “Loretta, right?” I’m good with names. She smiles when I get it right and reaches her hand out for me to shake.
“So nice to see you again, Lotus. I’m sorry about what happened with Orion after you left.”
“What do you mean?” I ask her. Confused.
She looks to Sebastian then back to me. “You don’t know? The accident. He was hospitalized for almost two months. I’m sorry, I thought you knew?”
Shaking my head, I had no idea. “When was this?” I ask her.
“December thirteen,” she replies shyly. That was the day my feet hit the pavement, and I ran. The day he told me it was over. I wondered why I didn’t see him after that night. It was like he’d vanished.
“What happened?” I ask, eager to know.
“Lotus, leave her alone. Don’t you think we have bigger issues?”
I roll my eyes at him. “Please, you aren’t having a baby, you just put a ring on it.”
Turning back to Loretta, her eyes are wide.
“You’re pregnant,” I blurt out, my hand covers my mouth and her mouth falls open.
“Gosh, Lotus, for fuck’s sake.”
Taking a step back, I laugh, pulling out my cell as it beeps. Yumi is texting me on my new phone that she’s bored. She left it for me on her kitchen counter the day she left. I had to use it, she said. Now I only use it for her.
Me: OMG! Sebastian is married, and having a baby! Holy shit on a popsicle.
Yumi: No way. Not that man, he loves himself too much.
My phone starts ringing straight away after her text, walking outside I answer it. I obviously don’t reply fast enough because her first words are, “You’re too slow,” whined into the phone. It’s morning where she is and nighttime here.
“You’re just impatient,” I complain back to her. “Oh, his new wife is Loretta. Do you remember her? Tiny little thing that used to be around Cole’s all the time.”
“She had her nose pierced, didn’t she?”
“Yep. She also told me some interesting news about Orion. Did you know about an accident after we broke up?” The phone goes quiet. “Yumi… you did know?”
“You didn’t want… or need to know, Lo. You would have gone straight back.”
“That wasn’t anyone’s choice but mine to make, Yumi.”
“He called it quits for a reason, Lo. I wanted to tell you. Cole told me not to until he woke up, and then when he did, he said no.”
The wine in my glass is gone, and now I want to drink the whole bottle. “What are you planning to do? You know everything Cole said.”
“You’re speaking to him?” I ask, smiling. They are two of my favorite people.
“Don’t change the subject, and yes, I always have. So what’s your plan?”
“Well, I think I’m going to stay at yours for a while longer… if that’s okay?” I ask her, biting my nails. I hate leaning on people, I want to stand on my own two feet. I did that with Orion. Not so much Roan.
“Of course, I never use it anyway. Might as well get the worth out of it.” She laughs. Yumi’s father bought her the apartment. It’s beautiful and very open, and it reminds me of the lofts you see in the movies. We talk for a little while longer until Sebastian comes outside and takes the seat next to me and I hang up.
“You had to drop it like that, didn’t you?” he says, shaking his head.
“Payback is a bitch for Orion the other night. Thank you!” I say to him, raising my eyebrows. Smacking his arm, he looks at me accusingly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugs his shoulders, turning back to look at nothing.
“The heart wants what it wants. Who the fuck are we to say no to it?”
He turns back to look at me. “Maybe you should stop fighting yours and go after him.”
I shake my head. “If I were a simple girl living in a simple world,” I say, smiling at him.
“Stop quoting shit and just do it.” He stands, brushes his trousers down, then looks at me. “In case you wanted to know, he’s at Cole’s tonight. We just passed them.” Walking back inside, he shuts the door leaving me on the doorstep with my cell in hand. His number is on my screen thanks to Yumi, and I’ve been tempted to call it since I saw it. But I shouldn’t, should I? You ask for space, space is what you need, right? Though is it always the right thing to ask for? Do you really need it when a part of you is already with that person anyway?
Standing and walking back inside, my mother is in the doorway watching me, her hand comes up and brushes my red hair back behind my ear. Her hair is white, my father’s family is where the red hair comes from.
“Please stop this torture.”
Confused, I raise my eyebrow.
“A mother always knows, dear. Just make sure it’s really what you want before you go back to him. You haven’t been with him for many years. You were kids then. Now you’re both adults with careers. Just think about it, okay?”
I nod my head, following her back into the madness of my father staring at Loretta like she’s a ghost. My mother goes back to yelling at Sebastian who really doesn’t care. And me, I continue to look at my cell, desperately wanting to push that magic green button.