Orion seems so calm while sitting there, a glass in front of him, untouched, just for show. He never was a big drinker, always stayed away from the things that could get you hooked. Except for cigarettes, and he was tapping his packet right now as we speak. I wanted to ask him if he was smoking again, and I guess it was obvious since he had a packet with him, but I couldn’t form the words to leave my mouth. Instead, we sat and stared at each other, then around the room. It felt like forever until he finally started speaking.
“It wasn’t always bad, Lotus.”
I’m almost sitting on my own hands, nerves are getting the better of me. “The bad was bad, Orion.” My voice steady, it has to be. He nods and reaches for his drink, and then just holds it. I guess he did that because he wants or needs something there in his hands.
“I still have it, you know.”
My eyebrows raise at him, not understanding what he has, then he clarifies.
“The house. I haven’t changed a thing. It’s as you left it.”
My breath hitches and I manage to remain where I am seated. “Why would you keep that place?” Despite the good it holds, the bad most definitely outweighs it.
“Because you loved it. And something you loved… well, I needed to keep hold.”
“I loved you,” I whisper and he shakes his head.
“But we broke each other, and we didn’t even realize it. Tell me, Lotus, do you love him in
the same way?”
I know what he means. The love we had, it was powerful, yet it was destructible as well. We were uncontrollable, nobody around us could tell us differently. To us, no one else mattered.
“I haven’t. Believe me, Lotus, I’ve tried.”
Taking a deep breath—it’s all too much, too much for my heart to handle—I sigh. I don’t know how much longer I can sit here and ‘talk.’ I need a break. I need to go home.
“I haven’t.”
He nods his head because he already knows the answer. I feel like I’ve cheated, admitting it out loud, I haven’t told anyone that he was it for me. That Roan is not my everything. I keep it all locked away, hoping if I never speak of it, my feelings will change. They haven’t yet.
“So where do you want to start, Lotus? From the beginning?” His words ring in my ears, with no sound coming out the other side. Grabbing my purse, I walk away from him and head straight to the door. Not now. I thought I could handle it but I can’t. He says my name, repeats it again and again until the lift doors close and I’m alone once again with my thoughts. They’re coming in slow, not rushed and confused, as they do when I’m around him. Stepping off, I walk away from his hotel and straight back to my apartment, my very alone and quiet apartment.
Hands are running up and down my thigh, kisses, wet kisses cascade down my legs. Hands so soft touch my naked ass. Waking with a start, my eyes flick open to see Roan at the bottom of the bed naked, and touching every place his hands can feel. He notices when I’m awake because his eyes find mine as he looks up over his lashes, his lips leaving kisses up and down. Moving so I’m on my back, he reaches between me and cups my naked sex, spreading my thighs as he does. One finger slides in and starts to move. My hands grip the bed sheet below my body, and his kisses move upward to my clit, my very pulsing clit that wants what he can give me. My sex life with Roan has never been dull, it just lacks the same enthusiasm I once had with someone else. Or maybe it’s my heart that it lacks. Roan with his incredible hands and beautiful mouth always gets the job done, and we manage to come quickly. His breath is hot, as his tongue licks up and down. My hand wants to thread through his hair to direct him exactly where to be, but I decide to grip the sheets even harder to prevent me from being so forceful.
Orion made me forceful, needy, I’m not sure which one. But one thing I do know for sure, he made me crazy.
Roan’s mouth moves, cold air touches between my legs, and then I’m hoisted up. My lower half is wrapped around him as my upper half lays on the bed. He pushes inside of me, his head dropping back as he fucks me. His hands dig hard into my thighs while he grips onto me.
“Lotus,” Roan screams my name. In, out, my body starts shaking and I know I’m seconds from joining him. To seeking that pleasure we always crave no matter the circumstance. He reaches it first, he always does, and I try to move my hips placing my hand between my legs and massaging myself, so I can come as well. Roan watches me, moving slowly as he does, and just like that with his eyes on me I come as well. My eyes close, my hands move to my hair, and I pull. Hard.
Sometimes I want him to pull my hair. But I don’t ask, I just do as he pleases, afraid to disappoint him.
“I missed you.” Roan pulls out and lays down next to me. I haven’t moved, but my legs drop to the bed the moment he shifts. Now I want to eat and sleep, nothing more.
“Can we stay in?” I turn to him, then I remember he’s home earlier than expected. “I’m glad you came back early.” He turns to face me. His hand runs through my hair, and he leans up as I lean down and he kisses my forehead.
“I did all I needed to do in one day. Why would I spend it there when I can spend it with you.”
Sweet, that’s what he is.
Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
Is that what’s happened to me?
“I want to order in and watch trashy TV all day.”
He laughs a hearty chuckle. “You can, but unfortunately I have to meet a client for lunch today. I’m late as it is, but I had to come back to see you first.” He stands naked and walks off to our huge full closet. I have a single rack where my gala dresses hang, the ones he bought me for the galas I have to attend for his work and the charity events for mine.
His ass is round and perfect, I notice, as he slides his neatly pressed trousers on. Turning, he reaches for his white button-up shirt, gliding it on while watching me as he does it up.
“We could have sex all day,” I say with a smirk.
Roan shakes his head. “As tempting as that would be, I can’t.” Sliding on his way-too-expensive shoes, he walks over to me as he clasps his watch back on and then leans down to kiss my forehead.
Leaving me naked and in bed wanting more, I stay there for a good hour, flicking through the TV channels and finding nothing at all to watch. Walking around our room, I go into his closet to just run my hand along his clothes, being utterly bored.
My phone rings but I ignore it. I find a box that looks old and tattered behind his jackets. It doesn’t feel empty, but it’s too light to have shoes in it. Walking to our bed, I sit down looking at my phone that’s now ringing loudly next to me. I notice it’s Yumi calling, so I wait for it to finish and then send her a quick message that I’ll return her call as soon as I can.
I open the box.
The first thing I see is me, literally me, looking out and just missing the camera. It’s like the camera was right next to me, but I couldn’t see it. Exactly when was this, and at what stage of life was this photo taken. I think about it. It appears it was taken when my heart was torn out and I could barely function. You can tell by the far-away distant look in my eyes. It’s like I’m not even there. I’m not even sure I’m fully here in the now.
“I thought you were beautiful then you know.” His voice scares me, making me jump knocking the box as it falls from the bed and the contents cover the floor—pictures drop out everywhere. His eyes are watching me, his sweet demeanor is gone and is replaced with something else, while he’s waiting for my reaction. Looking down, I see more pictures scattered over the floor. It’s me, several of me, plus Orion. A gasp leaves my mouth, and my eyebrows scrunch as I look back to him, and he nods his head like he knows what I’m thinking.
“You never speak of him, but I see it in your eyes, Lotus.”
“What’s going on?” I don’t really understand anything that’s happening right now.
“I knew who you were before I loved you, Lo.”
“You knew me?” I whisper, looking back down at the photos.
I hear his steps and don’t move an inch, unsure about what’s going on.
“Nothing has changed, Lo.”
That feels like a lie.
Why does everything all of a sudden feel like a lie?
He’s never felt like a lie before.
Looking up to him again, he’s dressed exactly as he left this morning. Did he even leave? Did he want me to find that box?
“You have pictures of me… with him,” I say, still confused.
“Yes.” Roan looks down, and my eyes follow as he moves his foot, pushing the photos around, and when he does a photo is revealed. It’s one taken this week—Orion and I walking into his hotel room. My eyes shoot back up. Roan leans forward, his hand touches my cheek. “I trust you, Lo. So you need to put this to bed, whatever it is.”
He leans down as I nod my head and places a small, sweet kiss to my forehead and then walks out the same way he came in. I stay where I am for a good ten minutes until I run from our room and around the house to make sure he’s gone. Locking the door from the inside, I walk back to our room, sitting on the floor and going through the photos one by one. The furthest back the pictures go is to that night, the night it all ended with Orion. I remember that night so vividly, even when I wish I didn’t. It wasn’t a night I ever want to remember, it’s one I’d rather forget.
“Yumi.” She answers the phone with a chipper hello, as I sit on the floor looking down. “I’m confused, Yumi.”
“What? Why?”
“Roan has pictures of me. Pictures before we were a couple. Pictures of me leaving that bar last night with Orion.”
The reality hits me hard, my fiancé doesn’t trust me. Have I ever given him reason to not do so before? That would be a no. All I’ve ever done is go where he wanted to go, do what he wanted to do, attend gala events that I hated, and to try and love him the best way I could.
So why the photos?
And what did he mean to end it?
Orion and I ended a very long time ago.
Maybe he can see something?
Maybe he can see that we never stop drowning, no matter how hard we try.