My hotel room is trashed, completely trashed. Sheets lay on the floor, glasses are smashed on the ground. There are holes in the wall. Cole walks in and pulls up to a complete stop when he sees it all. He shakes his head and closes the door.
“You couldn’t help yourself.”
My hands are in my hair, and I want to pull it free.
“Which was her?” Cole looks around—the glasses, the bed. That was her, but I’m not telling him that. She didn’t even know she did it, she never does. The walls, well, that was after she left and my hands needed to vent, to stop myself from chasing her and bringing her back. He’s seen the aftermath of Lotus and me before, it was never pretty. We are a hurricane, riding the storm, ready to strike. Sometimes we’re a blind hurricane, silent but disastrous.
“She left with Yumi,” I tell him all he needs to know.
Cole shakes his head then smacks my back. “She saw it, didn’t she? Her shrine.”
“It’s not her fucking shrine, dickhead, she’s still alive.”
He laughs at me. “You covered your entire back, man. Not just one small dick tattoo over your heart for the woman you love… oh no, it’s over your whole fucking back.” And it has been since a week after she left me. All these years it’s been there reminding me of her, even when I shouldn’t have been reminded.
Cole pulls out some pictures from his pocket, smacking them onto the counter where I’m standing. The pictures are of Kama, talking to someone I would never have guessed. Roan. Looking up to Cole, he doesn’t say a word, there’s no need for words. She isn’t with him anymore, they can both be dealt with without her knowing anything. It will all be done after Kama is taken care of, then I won’t have to hide a single secret from her again.
“Macca called. He wants you to call him to tell him how she is.” Cole laughs. “I’m guessing… tired.” He shakes his head with another chuckle and walks back to the door. “Get dressed. Business time, brother.”
We have been dealing with large pharmaceutical companies since we’ve been here. Large corporations who want our business. Then, as our time comes to an end, we have to deal with the shadier dealings. The not so good deals. Kama for one. He will be our last stop, though.
We’ve been shipping to a number of different businessmen for quite some time. Them I’m not worried about cutting off, I’m not their only drug-related income, and they don’t rely solely on our supply as solidly as Kama does. Which is a stupid move by him. Kama has other business, but he is also our largest buyer, who then sells to the motorcycle gangs and other drug runners. The notice wasn’t enough for him, now he wants to meet in person in private. He thinks he can scare me, he thinks he can intimidate me. That shit almost makes me laugh.
Dressing in suit pants and a white long-sleeve button-up shirt, I go to the car that’s waiting for me outside with Cole sitting in the driver’s seat. He pulls out from the curb, and it takes a good hour before we reach Kama’s place of residence. This is his main place for business dealings, very low-key and off the grid. Three men are sitting outside smoking when we arrive. Pulling my cigarette from my lips, I crush it under my black boot, noticing all three men watching us.
“Behave,” Cole says, walking forward. He speaks to the guys who point out back where Kama is currently located. Cole reaches the back door first, pulling it open. He coughs when the smoke hits his face, then he walks in. Following behind, I hear Kama’s voice speaking then nothing but quiet for a few beats.
“Boys,” he says rather loudly while waving at the other men to leave.
The man with a scar on the side of his face and a missing ear watches me carefully, his eyes follow mine as he walks out the door.
“I hope you’ve decided what is best. To keep up supply?” He lights a cigar, taking a few puffs before he places it on the ashtray.
“No can do, Kama. We are personally delivering you the last shipment now.”
“The last?” he asks, looking down as Cole drops the duffel bag to the ground.
“Free, of course, for loyal service throughout the years. Think of it as a thank you.”
Kama’s eyes come up to mine, then to Cole.
“She’s pretty, isn’t she? Had my brother Roan in all sorts of fucked-up feelings. What a pretty little Lotus”
At first, I think he’s speaking to Cole because he’s watching until he says her name. Then it’s Cole who turns to look at me, knowing exactly why. His hand comes out, and he blocks my path before I can move. “He did love her, though, she must have a magical pussy.”
“Watch your fucking mouth, Kama. This was a gesture of good faith which can also be revoked.” He nods his head to Cole’s words.
“Of course, of course. I won’t speak of her again.” He looks down to the bag, grabs it, and pulls it to him. “It’s a pity, though. We were excellent business partners…” he pauses, and it’s completely silent, then he looks back up, “… until we weren’t.” He waves his hand to the door, telling us to go. I’m the first to walk out, Cole follows soon after.
Cole hits my shoulder, leaning in to whisper to me. “Where is she?” he asks, knowing exactly why I didn’t stay to play Kama’s games.
Pulling out my cell, I call Yumi, who answers telling me that Lotus went to work today, and she hasn’t heard from her since because she doesn’t have her cell.
We walk quickly to the car, slide in and drive off. I give Cole directions where to turn, and we come to a stop out the front of her work. It’s late but she isn’t at Yumi’s, so I assumed she would be still working here.
“Where does he live?” Cole asks.
Pulling my phone out, I call her brother, and Sebastian answers on the second ring.
“Is Roan at work with you?”
“Hello to you too, Orion. Yes, my day is fine. Thank you for asking.”
Attempting to control my anger toward him, I speak slowly. “Tell me if that piece of shit you let fuck your sister is at work, now, Sebastian.”
He goes quiet, I hear a door opening as he breathes into the phone.
“He’s here, reception says he has been all day. Why, Orion, where is my sister?”
“I’m finding her,” is all I tell him before I hang up.
“Your home alarm just went off,” Cole calls from the car.
Getting back in, we make our way back to where it all started. Back to our home.
Lotus is sitting on the steps much like she has in the past. Like she knew I was coming back for her. Like she hasn’t moved all these years, and each step I take toward her brings back the truth. We did leave. We destroyed it all, with our love, with our hate. Words cripple people, my words were a weapon with her. It was words that made her walk out the door that night and never come back. It was her hands that slaughtered me for years in our relationships. Oh, there was bad, when she would aim for my head, or when her two hands that once could hurt, would repair with clasping my face to hers.
She was hurt. I’d hurt her, drove her to pain, and ultimately to desperation and depression. Lotus wasn’t the same girl toward the end. Instead, she was a shell of a woman, all because of my secrets. Lotus was expected to be a house guest, one that I fucked, and returned my love. Yet, was not allowed to know what was happening outside of this house.
It drove her insane.
Ultimately driving us both insane.
She looks up as I step closer. She’s aged, but she’s even more beautiful than I remember. My fear that I’d lost her after I’d found her again was crippling. Then the alarm went off, and only one person would set off an alarm at my house without knowing. So we drove, and what should have taken an hour took less than thirty minutes to get to her.
Cole drives away, his tires squeal in the distance, and all that’s left is Lotus and me. Just as it was when it started. Looking around, I see a car parked in the driveway.
“I went to my apartment today to get some things, he wasn’t there. But the memories were.” She’s looking down at her feet. “Then I realized our memories, they’re all here, aren’t they? I’ve never visited them.” She says it like she was lost, but the realization has shown her she’s not so much anymore. “How is it possible that you still love me? I can see it when you look at me, you’ve always looked at me like that. How is it possible? I was not myself near the end…”
She wasn’t, but that didn’t change the fact that she still held all of me in her hands. Nothing will ever change that fact.
“We did it to each other, our love was damaging, exciting, thrilling,”
“Unhealthy…” she finishes.
Nodding my head, I agree with her. “It was both of our faults. We got too caught up in the us. Nothing else was allowed in. It was unhealthy,” I say to her.
“Maybe together we are unhealthy. Perhaps we’re just not meant to be? Maybe you were a love that I had, and now I’m here to take it back.”
I dislike her words. Actually, I hate them. She notices and stands from her sitting position on the step.
“Tell me why? And don’t bullshit me or dismiss me. Tell me why, when you loved me.” She wants answers, I told her she’d get them when she came here to speak to me.
Is she here for that?
To take back her heart that I still hold firm in my hands. Because she can’t have it, no matter what, no matter the circumstances, I won’t give it back. Despite our separation, we always knew that our love wouldn’t end. It’s impossible to stop.
“You want to know why I protected you for so long?” I ask her.
She shakes her head. “You didn’t protect me, Orion. You turned me into a person I didn’t even recognize. Who was that girl who would go crazy? I didn’t know her, but she sure as shit knew you.”
I go to step closer to her, but she takes a step back.
“Please don’t touch me. I need answers, and you know if you touch me it will end. Then we’ll be in a circle going around and around.” Staying where I am, she takes a relieved breath. “Thank you.”
“I was around, doing things that I didn’t want you to know about.”
“You were afraid I’d think less of you?” she asks me.
Nodding my head, I answer her. “I wanted to protect you, to protect us.”
“Yes, you wanted us to stay as we were, never moving. So you stopped my clock and kept us on repeat. Day in, day out, same thing. You would leave, come home dressed in new clothes with no explanation. There were even days you were covered in blood, Orion… blood, and you didn’t want me to ask you one question.”
“We were good just the way we were.”
She laughs at my words. “We weren’t. If you think that, then why did you break my heart?” Her hand comes up to clasp over her heart, and she holds it there waiting for my answer.
“You couldn’t be around me. Kama threatened everything I had. You, I had you, Lotus, to think about.” She shakes her head, dropping her hand from her heart. “I killed one of his men that night, and that’s why I came home with blood on my hands. I couldn’t keep you hidden any longer.”
“So you broke my heart and yours because you were scared for me?” Her voice sounds angry now, her eyebrows scrunch as she waits for my answer.
“If there was one thing I didn’t fuck with, it was you, Lotus.”
“Oh, but you did! You fucked with me the most. You fucked with my head, kept everything hidden from me, making me make things up in my head. Do you know what that does to someone?”
Walking up to her, I touch her face with my fingers as she always does when she wants to kiss me. She resists, just barely, anger seeps from her as she watches me.
“Take me inside, Orion.” Dropping my hand from her face, I step even closer to her so I can feel her breathing on me, her breath is fast and uneven as she watches me. My hand touches her arm, my fingers dragging down until my hand touches hers and I clasp it in mine then walk inside.
She looks around when we enter. “It’s the same.”
It is, I’ve never changed it. Lotus was the one who decorated it. Who was I to ruin what she’d created, only she could do that. She drops my hand as she turns to look around, then when she sees what she wants, she pushes the door to our bedroom open. I haven’t slept in there since the night she left, haven’t even opened the door since.
“My things are still there?”
“I don’t go in there.”
“Where do you sleep?”
I point to the spare room, and the couch.
Lotus shuts the door then turns back to look at me. “I’m afraid you’ll be the great love I tell my grandkids about one day.”
I rush to her because her words can’t be true. They won’t be true.
She is mine, as I am hers.
Broken and shattered.