She’s bouncy, sweet and smiling. This is what I notice from the girl who serves me every day as I purchase my coffee before work. So much life at the tip of her fingers.
I used to be that.
Lively.
I haven’t been like that for a very long time. Not even sure if I ever will be again.
Roan sits across from me, watching me watch the woman. He wants to say something, but I don’t even know if I want to hear it. He spies on me, his fiancée. How long has he been doing that, and most of all, why?
This is not something you do to someone you love.
Does he even love me?
Roan pulls at his tie around his neck and leans back to sip his own coffee. He asked me to meet him during lunch. So here I sit, waiting for him to speak. To give me something, anything, but so far nothing.
“Roan.” He leans forward on his elbows, as he comes closer. “I need to know about the photos.”
He nods his head but orders another coffee instead when the waitress comes over. Turning my head, I look back to the lady with too much bounce in her step. She’s watching me, which is something I didn’t expect. She waves and smiles, then looks down to rub her very round belly. I see her every day, and today’s the day she smiles at me. So odd. I remember seeing her over a year ago, and she wouldn’t even look me in the eye, or any customer for that matter.
“I love you, Lo.” Roan’s voice brings me back to him. The first words he’s spoken since he arrived. When he came in, he kissed me on the cheek and sat down. “You need to know that.”
“I know that.” I nod. At least I hope I do. Do I?
“I was worried about you.” He scratches his chin then continues, “I know about him.”
“Him?” I ask, waiting for a response.
“Orion… I know about Orion.”
My heartbeat picks up at his words. For Orion or because he knows, I’m not exactly sure which. I try to contain my fluttering heart as I look back up to him, trying to hide my emotions that are more than likely swimming around on my face.
“What about him.”
“I know who he was to you.” I nod my head. “End it with him, Lotus, I won’t ask again.”
My eyes go wide. I could be hearing things, but I’m sure I didn’t. Did he say those words to me?
“What are you talking about? And why did you just say that?”
His face changes. Roan changes right there in front of me into a man I hardly recognize. Have I been blind this whole time?
Roan’s eyebrows scrunch across his forehead, anger drips from him, and his head shakes before he speaks. “I’ve put up with a lot, Lotus. Your distance from me. Only giving me pieces of you. To now, hiding who you’re seeing. I won’t take it. The woman I’m with is to be with me solely. Do you understand?”
My head’s spinning but somehow I manage to nod.
“You need to stop this game you play. You’re engaged to be married to me, Lotus. Do you even know something as simple as my favorite color?”
“I… I don’t,” I finally reply. He nods his head like he’s making me understand. Does that count against me, not knowing his color? Questions are flying around in my head, and I’m looking at him like I don’t know who he is anymore.
Who is this man who claims to love me who’s sitting in front of me?
His face has softened, and he’s looking at me the same way the old Roan used to. Old Roan—that sounds odd. But I’ve now seen a new side of him. One I never knew existed.
“I have to get back to work. Do not meet up with him. Pass me your cell.”
My hand comes up at his words, and I give him my cell as if I’m a robot.
Did he drug me?
Or have I actually lost my own voice?
Maybe I deserve to not have his trust.
Not telling him about Orion probably wasn’t the wisest move. It was something I didn’t want to talk about. He presses a few buttons on my cell, then takes the sim card out of it replacing it with a new one. I sit there and watch everything he does, and don’t say a word.
“I programmed my number in there in case you didn’t know it.”
“I know your number.” My voice comes off soft, guilt-ridden and it’s eating away at me. This man, who’s been good to me for a few years now, can finally see me for the person I am. Not who he thought I was. It’s not healthy. I wasn’t healthy with Orion either. No. I was crazy with him. Our love made me foolish toward the end.
Does Roan’s love numb me? Does he make me a fraction of the girl I was once was?
Standing, he walks around to me, bends down and kisses my cheek. My body doesn’t move, and I don’t turn to kiss him back.
“I’ll see you tonight.” He walks out without a backward glance. Looking down at my cell phone, everything’s been erased. Not even my screensaver remains. Looking back up, I notice him crossing the road. He walks away as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. But he does.
I love him, don’t I?
That’s the reason I stayed with him for so long. He was the first man to make me feel just a fraction of what I felt for Orion. Our romance had come at the perfect time, and we formed a relationship. I thought I was ready to move on. That years after Orion I could do it. Staying away from men I considered easy, until Roan.
My mind is occupied and I almost forget to thank the waitress. She’s picking up our coffee cups to take away, the one I didn’t even touch. My hand accidentally touches hers, and I apologize and then look up. A huge smile sits on her face, and I’m guessing even though that smile is directed at me, it also has something to do with her being pregnant. She’s so happy.
“Can I get you anything else?” She’s so calm, her voice so light.
Shaking my head while smiling at her, I do the only polite thing that there is to do. “How far along are you?”
Her hand immediately drops to her belly, and her cheeks redden. “Five months,” she replies with such pride. She holds out her hand. “I’m Keegan, but most call me Kee.” Taking her hand in mine, I shake it. Kee pulls out the seat that Roan just occupied and sits down while asking for my name.
“Lotus.”
Kee’s smile becomes even brighter. How is that possible?
“I love that name, and might even steal it for the baby.” My eyes look behind her to where Roan left. He didn’t come back. Why wouldn’t he come back? I’m so occupied watching the door that I don’t even realize I’m staring at a man who’s looking back and forth at myself and my new friend. Just as I’m about to say something, she stands, pushing the seat out, her arms open wide and a terrifying looking man with tattoos wraps his arms around her waist. Kee pulls back to kiss him on his lips, and it makes me think of a love I once had, they both are wearing matching wedding bands.
“Sorry, Lotus, this is Macca. Macca this is Lotus.” He shakes my hand, but his eyes drift back to his wife. Macca’s hand doesn’t leave her belly, as he nods his head to me then kisses her on the cheek. He looks familiar in a way like I’ve seen him before, but I cannot put my finger on it.
“Nice meeting you both,” I manage to say while picking up my purse then moving to walk around them, but Keegan’s voice stops me as I reach the door.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Lotus?” My hand squeezes the doorknob. She would have seen what happened, possibly even heard it.
Plastering a fake smile, I turn to her and her husband, nodding my head. “Sure.”
“Fabulous,” is all she says before I turn and leave. Hey, maybe I will come back tomorrow, or maybe I won’t. Grabbing my cell the minute I leave the café, I look for Yumi’s number, which is usually in my favorites. It isn’t there. No, the only number I seem to have now is Roan’s. Luckily she’s back in Australia this month, and at work in her office downtown not far from here. Turning the phone off and wanting to throw it, I resist, and place it back in my purse and walk to her office. She’s out the front with a cigarette to her lips when I arrive. She spots me, waving me.
“Nice surprise, but don’t you have work?”
Shit! Fuck! I do.
She notices my expression, placing her hand on my shoulder. “Lo, what’s going on with you?”
“I just had the weirdest conversation.”
“Okay, with who?” she asks. As I watch her cigarette, it reminds me of Orion. Smoking. The way he would place it to his lips and suck. I would always knock it away and do the same thing, taking over his mouth with mine. I would be insanely jealous that the cigarette got to touch his mouth so many times instead of me. He didn’t often smoke near me, knowing why I didn’t like it. But mostly because I couldn’t keep my mouth to myself whenever he had one. Yumi clicks her fingers in front of my face and the cigarette is waved around.
“Roan,” I say finally coming out of my thoughts. Maybe that was the first sign of my sickness for Orion. “Roan had photos of me. He knew about Orion. Told me to end all contact. Even erased my contacts in my cell. Hey, can I have your number?”
“What… yes, of course, you can have my number. Stop spacing out like that, woman.”
Grabbing my phone from my purse, I hand it to her. Yumi enters her number, calling herself, then hands it back to me. “He seems so normal. How could he… I don’t understand.”
“I don’t know his favorite color, did you know that?”
Yumi drops her cigarette to the ground and steps on it with her high heels. “Lo, what’s going on?”
“Do I love him? I should, right? I should try harder. It’s only fair, isn’t it? I did say yes to being his wife. But now…” I don’t finish the sentence.
“Orion is back.” Yumi finishes it for me.
“It shouldn’t matter. He broke me all those years ago. Why can’t I pick who I love?”
“I’m afraid you can’t give it away, Lo. You already did, and you left without taking it back. The thing is, Lo, you didn’t want it back.”
Yumi’s words hit me hard. She’s right. But wrong as well. I can love Roan if I choose to. I do love him. I just don’t think I’m head over heels in love with him.
“I’ve got to try. He hasn’t hurt me, Yumi. He’s good for me.”
She goes to talk again, but before she can, I quickly kiss her cheek and walk away. Stopping, I turn back, “Hey, do we know someone named Macca?” I figured if I didn’t know for sure, she would. Her eyes go wide, and she nods her head.
“From home,” is all she says before I walk around the corner, and head straight for our apartment.
Roan isn’t home when I arrive, and I didn’t expect him to be. He works as hard as Sebastian does, so his nights are late and his mornings are early. Pulling out my best lingerie, I send him a message asking him when he’ll be home. He messages back straight away telling me he will be back early. Stripping my clothes, I dress in some pretty lingerie he’s bought me, but I’ve never worn. Bright red, it almost matches my hair.
“Lo,” he says my name just as I start adding some color to my lips. I’m in heels and leaning over my basin to see clearly in the mirror. I listen to his footsteps then hear them stop.
“Fuck, Lo.” His voice is low. I watch him through the mirror as his eyes rake me over from top to bottom, then come to a stop at my eyes in the mirror. Then I remember how he spoke to me, the way he tried to dictate my life. My hands come up to cover up my body.
He’s changed, from what I’m used to. Could it be he’s just had enough? Or have I really been blind to him all this time?
He’s lifting my hands away from my body. As I look up, he’s now standing behind me, his breath is on my neck. “You see now don’t you, that you’re mine.” His words shock me.
“Why am I yours?” I ask him, staring at him in the mirror.
“Because the moment you came home with me, you became mine. Even more so when you placed my ring on your finger.” His hands run along my stomach, my very bare stomach.
“I’m not yours, Roan, I never have been. That’s the problem, isn’t it?”
Roan’s hands pause on me, then slowly, ever so slowly, he moves them to my waist, pinching me tight so I can’t move. His fingers bruise, and it hurts with how tightly he’s holding me.
And just like that, it was like a lightbulb moment. It clicked as he said those words then again as they left my mouth.
I am not with him.
Roan wants to own me.
I see that now.
I’m a mere possession to him.
One he prances around at his functions, nothing more. Usually, I sit there all by myself, seeing him a few times throughout to appease me.
“You’re not leaving me, Lotus.” His words are deadly, so deadly that I choose my next words carefully until he squeezes hard, bruising me even more.
Why the fuck did I put on this piece of shit lingerie?
Taking a deep breath, I try to move from his embrace. He doesn’t allow it, holding me exactly where he wants me.
“I think I am, Roan. I think I need to.”
Roan’s eyes turn dark, his embrace doesn’t shift. It holds me still.
“Please remove your hands.”
He does as I ask. Moving fast, I step around him, so I’m not stuck in front of him anymore.
“Did I tell you why you were mine, Lotus?” His voice sends chills all over my body, and not good ones. Picking up my clothes, I place my dress on over my exposed body. Roan begins to take steps toward me. His hand reaches out, touching my breast. He pinches my nipple hard then releases. “Your brother paid me to date you. He bet me that I couldn’t put a ring on your finger. That you were too hung up on a drug dealer. Then I heard the drug dealer’s name, and I knew that name. Then he showed me your picture. You were with him in it… that photo that’s in the box. I knew Orion, he sold to some people I knew. No one really knew who your boyfriend was. He was always so quiet about his drug business. A smart businessman that one.” My heart’s beating out of my chest. Hard. “He took a while to come back, though, didn’t he?” He brushes the hair from my face. “But he did, and we knew he would. It was just a matter of time, wasn’t it, Lo.”
“He didn’t come back for me.” Stepping back and away from him, I need distance. Looking at this man I hardly recognize, I screw up my face. What happened to him? Was I that bad of a girlfriend that I never noticed he’s a little crazed?
“But he did, he came for you.”
Shaking my head, he nods.
“I think you’re finally waking up, Lo. Can you see me now?” His words, his body language, it’s completely different to what I know. This man standing in front of me I don’t even recognize. “He put you in a coma since you left him, now it’s time to wake up, Lo.” He steps toward me again, but this time I don’t wait to see what he has to say next.
I run. Straight to the front door, pushing it open. My feet hit the cold tiles as I take the stairs. Not willing to wait for the lift to take me down. Not giving him the chance to speak another word. His words are cruel, different. His actions are not those of the man I knew.
The lift opens as I exit the stairwell. Roan’s face comes into view, and he speaks my name. Turning away from him, I run to the door to leave, but it’s locked. Hitting the emergency button, I hear his voice coming closer and closer.
Why isn’t it opening?
“I do love you, Lo. It happened somewhere between three months in and sticking my cock into your fabulous pussy that first time you gave it up. Do you remember? Because I do. It wasn’t my name you screamed… it was fucking his.”
Hitting it again and again the door starts to open.
He’s closer now, his voice deadlier. “We could have been happy, Lo. If you had stayed in your coma. If he didn’t come back.”
Freedom.
It opens, and as I make my way through, his hand captures my upper arm. Turning back to face him, his eyebrows are scrunched, and his lips are set in a deadly line.
“Tell him you’re mine, Lo, tell your lover that.”
“He isn’t my lover,” I reply, trying to wriggle my arm free.
He drops it, but not before he speaks again. “I’ll be in touch, lover.”
The doors close as his hand drops, putting a barrier between us. My mind wants to stand there and figure him out, pick at him, find out what’s inside his mind in his very core. Is this my problem, I never notice? Orion didn’t ask questions, and he asked me not to. So every time he came home, dressed in different clothing, or covered in blood, or smelling of women’s perfume, no words would leave my mouth. Believing that a man could love you, and you do not have to know every detail, failed me.
Now it’s failed me both times.
Granted, I wasn’t in love with Roan, but I loved him in some small way. I had to, to have spent two years of my life with him.
What a lie my life has been.