Work was busy today, it’s always busy. When I finally walked out for the weekend, a weight lifted from my shoulders, a relief that I can now think clearly. It’s both a blessing and torture. The blessing is because I haven’t had time to think about why Orion’s showing up more and more. The curse because I’ve hardly spoken to Roan all week, and now he’s gone for work, leaving me all weekend to myself.
Yumi, a friend I’ve had since primary school, and I are having drinks tonight.
Arriving home to change my clothes, the smell of Roan is everywhere. Even our closet is filled with clothing and things that are mostly his. Being with Orion, and not wanting the fickle things that life provides, did that to me. Except now, the few pieces of clothing and things I do own are worth more than the house Orion and I shared together. Funny how things work out or change when you least expect them to.
Always thinking I would end up with Orion is a strange thought now. I never dreamed of being with another man. It took me years to even see another man after we split. Roan pursued me, relentlessly, and I didn’t stop him. It felt good to have that attention again, which ultimately led to us being a couple.
From fancy dinners to bed partners, to now living with him with a ring on my finger, it all escalated quickly. A year seemed fast, too fast, but he was the only one who didn’t ask questions. Roan let me have my quiet times, and he’s good for me, I know that. I love him, this I know as well, but there are levels of love. The level of love I feel for him may never reach the level I felt for Orion, and that’s what scares me. I’m afraid it never will. If it hasn’t happened yet, could it possibly happen later? Hope is all I have.
Living in the city has its perks, no cars are needed to get from one place to another. Back where I used to live with Orion, a car was required for most places we wanted to travel to. Now, I walk down the street from our excessively large apartment and arrive at my destination within ten minutes.
I spot Yumi straight away, sitting at the bar with a cocktail in her hand. Her long black hair flows down her back. She has on a midriff shirt, short black pleated skirt and sky-high heels. I always think she’s too beautiful for words. Her mother is Japanese and her father Caucasian, making her stand out from the crowd with her beautiful green eyes.
Leaning in and kissing her cheek, she jumps with a squeal of excitement and hugs me tight before releasing me. Yumi knows all about Orion. Not absolutely everything, but definitely lots of pieces she’s managed to put together after I fell.
“How are you? How’s everything going with Roan?” Yumi sips her drink, sliding the one she ordered over to me.
“Good. Everything is good. When do you leave next?” I find changing the subject is safe. Yumi works for a music company and traveling from here to New York then LA is where she usually heads off to. Her home is here, but I know she loves it in the states as well, but her home is here in Australia.
“Nice change…” she winks at me, never missing a beat, “but I’m home for a few weeks this time. So, it’s time to wedding-dress shop… unless that’s changed?” Her eyes lift as she places the straw of her drink back to her lips and watches me for an expression, just waiting for something.
“Orion is back.”
Yumi spits her drink out. Luckily, it goes in between us and onto the floor. Her hand wipes at her lips, but her mouth manages to stay open.
“Maybe not back-back, but I’ve seen him more than I’d like to.”
“Holy shit! Like, holy shit! Look, I can pretend to know karate and threaten him, but I doubt that man is scared of anything. Actually, I don’t think he’ll frighten easily.” She waves her hand with a smile, then it drops when she sees the look on my face. “You’re scared.”
“No.”
“Ohhh, I see.” She flags down the bartender and points to our drinks indicating another round.
“You don’t see. Don’t say that.” Looking around, I try to avoid eye contact with her, just to rein myself in and get myself under control until I can be calm enough to speak without a stutter or lie.
“Look, maybe just try to avoid him. You’re in love with Roan.” Turning to look at her, she watches me as I suspected she would. “Right?”
“What would you call love?”
“You know it, Lo, you had it with Orion. Is it the same?”
The lie is about to leave my lips, but a voice interrupts us. Cole’s.
“Well, shit! Twice in one week. How lucky am I?”
His laugh is infectious. Cole notices Yumi, and his smile turns more seductive, then back to the playful one I get. “And you, Yumi Stein, you’ve never looked more beautiful.”
“Do you think you can pull my leg?” she asks seriously.
Cole acts offended with his hand to his heart. “No, but I would like to. Can I?” He takes her words seriously, and his hands goes to her leg, but she swats him away.
“No, you cannot! That was me being a smart-ass, Cole.” She turns her back to him and looks back to the bar, leaving me smiling softly at Cole. My heart starts to race when I realize he may not be alone. My eyes search the bar, and when I think I can breathe straight, I spot Orion in a booth at the back, and he isn’t alone either. Two women sit on either side of Orion, talking to him, but his eyes are solidly on me.
“Yeah, about that, Lo… we aren’t stalking, I swear. Our hotel isn’t far from here.”
What are the odds, really? I’ve seen him multiple times lately, he’s like a stray cat I can’t seem to get rid of.
“It’s fine, Cole.”
He scratches his head and turns back to look at Orion. I watch for a second or two and decide it’s best that I stop. Turning back to Yumi, I pick up my drink and slide the straw into my mouth taking a sip—Yumi’s now on her third cocktail, and I need to catch up.
“Look, did you want to come and sit with us?”
Yumi almost spits out her drink again but covers it with a cough. She turns to me, her eyes are wide, and she’s smirking. “If you can keep your mouth shut, we would love to.” They had a thing once, possibly for just one night, I don’t know the details. Then somehow it ended, and she never spoke of it again.
She pulls me to stand with her and follows Cole. My feet want to stay glued to where they are. I have no burning desire to be anywhere near him. Yumi pulls me, turning back to whisper, “The only way you can get over him, is to get it out.”
She’s right, I know she is, but living with it seems easier than speaking to him about it. Her hand tightens in mine. Yumi knows whatever I was saying before was a lie and that he still affects me in every way. And that’s not fair to Roan, especially since we’re due to be married.
Orion’s stare is one I can feel from miles away and I know he’s watching us. Chairs slide out from around the booth, and I’m glad Yumi at least has the sense to sit on the opposite side of the table. The girls look up at us, their eyes raking over our bodies. Then they go back to whatever it was they were looking at. Orion. My eyes follow their eyes, and the moment mine meet his, they lock on tight. Seeing him still has the same effect on me. Will that feeling ever die? I hope it does because I’m not sure I have the same effect on him, even in the slightest.
“Lotus,” he says my name as if it’s something he says every day. Like it’s an extension of him, like he just breathed it out.
“Orion, fancy running into each other again.”
He nods his head. One of the girls taps his shoulder. Orion doesn’t look to her, but she leans in to speak closer to his ear. Watching as she bites it, his facial expression doesn’t change, his steely eyes stay glued to mine.
“Tell the girls to leave,” Yumi says, watching us as well.
Cole doesn’t wait to be told twice, he stands to let them out as he tells them their time is up. I expected them to argue. After all, one was just trying to eat Orion’s ear, but they don’t argue and simply stand and walk away.
“So Orion, you here to try to win Lo back?”
My cheeks heat at her words.
He leans forward on the table, much like he did at the lunch we had, with one hand coming up the other staying in place where it was. He skims me over with his eyes, then when he answers he responds directly to Yumi. “Yes.”
Standing fast, my chair scrapes and falls to the floor with a loud thump, then all eyes turn to me. Even his.
“Don’t lie.” My words come out like a hiss.
Orion shakes his head. “Lotus, I’m not.”
My head continues to shake slowly, my hands are curling and uncurling into fists. “I’m with someone.”
He pushes his drink with his hand away from him. “Not for long.”
This time it’s Yumi who scoffs at him.
“You think just because you’ve come back, I’ll fall back into your arms?” I laugh, but it’s fake, angry. Mixed emotions are running through my veins.
“Yes, because I know if I still feel this way, you must as well. Pity it couldn’t disappear as easily as we both wanted it to, hey?”
Yumi stands with me, she reaches out placing her hand on my back.
“You need to talk… just the two of you.” She looks to both of us.
Orion doesn’t hesitate, he stands and takes formidable steps toward me. His smell consumes me like it always has. He offers me his hand. Looking at it, I shake my head clutching my dress at my side so I’m not tempted to grab him. Some habits, even if they are as old as time, are hard to break.
“Just us two.”
I nod my head at his words. Orion waves in the direction of the door, and we start walking out together, neither of us speaking. As soon as the cold air hits my face, I realize we can’t talk out here, my mind will be stuck on him, but I will not be able to concentrate with the cold, frigid air beating down on me. I didn’t dress appropriately for this weather.
“My hotel is just a short walk.” My eyes are wide. “To talk,” he clarifies.
I’m not a skittish person, except around him. Part of me wants to climb him like I have done so many times before, but the other more sensible part is telling me to run far from him to protect myself. He could hurt me all over again, and I’m afraid I would let it happen, even if I choose not to. That’s the kind of power he once had over me. He walks next to me, coming to a stop out the front of a hotel. Orion holds the door open for me to enter first, then he walks to the lifts. I follow because I’m too afraid to speak just yet.
What will be said?
Could we fall out of love as easily as I hope we can?
It’s doubtful.
We say nothing in the lift, just stand there lost in our own thoughts, even as the doors open and we both get out. I follow behind, not speaking until he opens his door.
Then I pause. “We should talk downstairs,” I tell him, looking back to the lift. Turning back to him, he already has his door open and is shaking his head.
“No, we need privacy. Places you can’t use as an escape because I need to tell you why.”
The why. It’s all I’d wanted to know for so long, and now he’s offering it to me on a silver platter, but I’m scared to take the knife. I’m afraid if I do, reality will slam into me, and something else may happen.
Orion touches my collarbone and his finger runs along the scar that’s there.
I jump, wanting but also not wanting his touch. “You can’t touch me,” I say while shaking my head.
“I can only just see it.”
My hand touches the same mark he just did. It’s a scar from when we were together, a fight that happened before our final disastrous one.
It was our downfall.
Then it became our demise.