Avery looked at the clock. Krampus was over forty-five minutes late! She’d already closed up shop and cleaned up. The only thing she had left to do was lock up after she left. She’d stayed late, doing paperwork for Santana Claus — more office party idea forms. Every year, The Jolly Fellow wanted something big and new. One of these years, she’d just say ‘frik it’ and throw a frikkin’ Halloween bash, but it looked like this year, she’d have to play ball. Hopefully, he’d like her idea for a ‘feast in the woods.’

Avery finished up the form and left it on her desk. She wanted to give it one last look before she sent it up North. She turned off her office light, grabbed her jacket — worn for style and out of habit, rather than out of warmth, given that her Christmas elf heritage granted her a very high tolerance for cold. She went out to the back patio and started walking to her car.

Just as Avery was about to reach her car, lightning struck her vehicle. It went through the antennae and made her entire car glow.

Well, the lightning made her car glow bright green.

Avery pursed her lips, puffed up her cheeks, balled her fists, and turned on her heels.

“Krampus!” shouted Avery.

“Hey!” shouted someone on the lake.

Avery peered.

Across the lake, a red monstrosity was making its way across the lake. It was Krampus in his dang speedboat.

Against her better judgment, Avery walked to the edge of the back patio. Krampus parked his motorboat on the dock near Bear Claw Bakery and came up the steps.

“So instead of calling me to tell you you’d be late…you decided to fry my car?” asked Avery.

“It got the same result, didn’t it?” asked Krampus. “Besides, I thought I could make it! I was halfway across the lake when I saw you were walking to your car. Would you rather I have called you while driving the boat? That wouldn’t’ve been safe.”

“Safe? Safe? What if you’d fried me, Krampus? What if you’d aimed that thing of yours a second later, and set me on frikkin’ fire?” asked Avery, a hand on her hip.

“Babe, you’d know if I aimed my thing,” said Krampus, grabbing his crotch as he walked up the stairs to the back patio.

“Okay, you’re gross,” insisted Avery, blushing. She had to admit that Krampus was well-endowed. She’d been at crotch-height with him multiple times, usually when she was bending over to get him pastries from the pastry display case — when Krampus had insisted he wanted something other than his usual order.

“Too gross to take on a date?” asked Krampus, crossing his arms.

“So not only are you late, but now, I have to pay for the date?” asked Avery.

“I mean, if you insist,” teased Krampus.

“Hmmph!” said Avery, walking away. “Krampus, enjoy figuring this out on your own.”

“Avery, wait!” called Krampus.

“What? I don’t have to — I knew better than to make a deal with a devil, after all!” insisted Avery. “We never made a deal!”

“I know — and that’s why I’m asking you to please wait, and to give me a chance,” said Krampus. “I know it’s a tall order, but…you’re my only chance of getting this thing handled.”

“What thing?” asked Avery.

“That’s just it — I don’t know what to call it,” said Krampus. “I know about every last school of magic out there, Avery — from demoncraft and Christmas magic to ice and fire elemental magic. I know the words to say to summon great tentacled beings from the bottom of the ocean — or the bottom of The Wreath — but I don’t know the words to say to a woman. I know the moves I have to do to strike your car with lightning — and to fix it — but I don’t know the moves when it comes to, whatever this kind of magic is.”

Avery turned to face her car. It looked like it was normal again, as if the freak lightning had never struck it.

“And?” asked Avery.

“And…I think this is the kind of magic you need a partner to perform,” admitted Krampus. “And…there’s nobody I’d trust more, to teach me this magic, than you. Okay?”

“ Fine,” admitted Avery. “But…I’m not exactly an expert on everything. I just know what women like me want. There are tons of women out there — all kinds — so maybe my advice is bad, but, I think some things are consistent.”

“Like what?” asked Krampus.

“Like, I don’t think there are very many women who would tolerate such tardiness!” said Avery snippily.

“Lesson one — don’t be tardy,” said Krampus, reaching into his pocket to pull out a notebook and a pen. “Lesson…tardy…got it.”

“You shouldn’t have to write that down!” insisted Avery.

“Well, apparently, I have to,” said Krampus, raising an eyebrow. “Now, what’s next? Other than showing up?”

“Well, the classic date is dinner and a movie,” said Avery. “I think movie and a dinner is better.”

“What’s the difference?” asked Krampus with a frown.

“If you go to the movie before dinner, you have something to talk about during dinner,” said Avery.

Krampus reached into his pocket again. Avery sighed. “You’re gonna take notes all dang night, aren’t you?”

“You bet your ass bucks,” said Krampus.

“My what?” asked Avery.

“Your bottom dollar,” said Krampus. “What — let me guess, those two things mean different things too? Just like ‘butt dial’ and ‘booty call?’”

“What movie do I pick?” asked Krampus, looking over the various titles. “I haven’t heard of most of these.”

“Well, neither have I — but you can just go off of the posters and see what catches your eye,” said Avery.

“So I don’t get any hints from you on this?” asked Krampus.

“No — and I frankly already gave you too much feedback,” admitted Avery. “You need to act naturally on this date. That means you need to pick the movie and handle the rest of the date on your own.”

“Okay, okay…I think I found one,” said Krampus. “Give me a second.”

Krampus went up to the counter, paid for two tickets, and came back to Avery.

“What did you pick?” asked Avery. “Actually, never mind — surprise me. I’m just surprised you bought the tickets without setting the ticket seller on fire.”

“I can do things, Avery — I just can’t frikkin’, well, you know,” said Krampus, blushing. “This. Anyway. The movie starts in fifteen.”

“Great — enough time to get snacks,” said Avery.

“Snacks?” asked Krampus. “You don’t just bring your own?”

“One — that’s frowned upon and not allowed,” said Avery. “Two — not all of us have endless pocket dimensions in their, well, pockets.”

“Ugh, you’re such a goody-two-shoes,” said Krampus, rolling his eyes. “Typical Christmas elf — too Nice. What do you want?”

Avery tried to hide her surprise. Krampus was asking what she wanted?

“Uh…can I get a small popcorn and one of those cherry sodas?” asked Avery.

Krampus reached into his pocket.

“Alright, one popcorn and a soda, coming —” started Krampus.

“No!” hissed Avery. “I want one that’s fresh!”

“Suit yourself,” said Krampus. “Come on.”

Krampus took Avery by the small of the back and led her into the line. Avery was surprised that Krampus had taken to touching her so naturally. He ordered for her and paid, and they walked into the theater. Avery caught site of the title of the movie they were watching on the tickets as Krampus passed them to the ticket taker.

“Uh…this is a joke, right?” asked Avery. “‘Vampire Santa’s Zombie Revenge?’ Is that even a real movie?”

“Well, we got tickets to it, didn’t we?” asked Krampus.

“Okay — well, I like goofy movies, but, many women wouldn’t,” said Avery. “A more appropriate, safer bet would’ve been a rom-com.”

“Well, I’m on a date with you, aren’t I?” asked Krampus.

“Not really,” argued Avery. “This is a practice date — for you to practice other women.”

“And who is on that practice date with me?” asked Krampus.

“Fine — you got me,” admitted Avery lamely. “Let’s just get our seats.”

Krampus led Avery to a pretty good seat. The theater was not very full, only about half full — or half empty, depending on who you ask. They took their seats and soon, the corny movie started. Although it was a pretty goofy film, nobody was shouting at the screen or anything.

They were only fifteen minutes into the movie when Avery smelled something vile.

It wasn’t the smell of Krampus’ sulfuric farts.

It wasn’t the smell of some sort of nervous body odor.

It was the smell of something acrid, acidic, and savory at the same time — but wholly inappropriate for a movie theater.

“Eww, what is that smell?” commented someone.

“Krampus…what are you eating?” asked Avery.

“Garlic,” said Krampus. “Want some? Let me guess – it’s impolite to eat a tasty treat without offering some to my date?” Krampus held out a handful of garlic — still in its papery skin.

“Are you kidding me?” asked Avery.

“Excuse me,” said the attendant, coming back up to Avery and Krampus. “I’m going to need you to put away the garlic, and stop talking. We’ve had complaints.”

“Of course you have,” said Avery. “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” said the attendant.

“You want me to fight him?” asked Krampus.

“No!” hissed Avery. “This is the only theater in town!”

“Suit yourself,” said Krampus.

Avery awkwardly sat next to Krampus — who of course, was still sneaking cloves of garlic. She shivered. The movie theater was pretty cold. She hadn’t packed a cardigan — just her big winter coat, which was on the seat beside her. She considered wrapping it around her body, like a blanket, when a big, strong arm came across her shoulders.

Firm. Strong. Hot. Avery could’ve melted into that arm if it didn’t smell as garlicky as the stakes that the zombie vampire hunters were wielding on the screen probably smelt.

“Eww, get your arm off me!” said Avery.

“You were shivering. You’re cold. You don’t like me holding you?” asked Krampus. “I thought that was pretty standard.”

“Well, not when your hands smell like garlic,” said Avery.

“Fine, fine,” said Krampus.

“Excuse me, do you mind?” asked the man sitting in front of Krampus. “I’m trying to watch the movie.”

“How hard is it to watch a movie?” asked Krampus. “If you’re having problems watching it, here’s a tip — Santa gets staked in the end.”

The entire theater groaned as Krampus let out that spoiler, very loudly.

“What?” asked Krampus. “It’s totally obvious!”

“Alright, that it’s,” said the attendant. “Ma’am, I’m going to need to ask you and your husband to leave, or I’ll need to ban the two of you from this theater entirely.”‘

“He’s not my —” started Avery. “Come on.” Avery took Krampus by the arm and led him out of the theater. Krampus sprinkled cloves of garlic in his wake.

Avery kept pulling Krampus by the arm until they reached the softly lit area outside the theater. Snow was falling softly, turning The Wreath into a living, breathing snow globe, which is what made it so hard for Avery to tell Krampus just how mad she was.

And…just how frikkin’ handsome he was.

And…the fact that his bad boy behavior was actually a bit of a turn on.

“Sorry,” said Krampus.

“For what?” asked Avery.

“For ruining the movie…for you,”‘ said Krampus.

“For me?” asked Avery. “What about all the people in there? You spoiled the whole frikkin’ movie for them! And you made them smell that garlic, which you scattered about like candy and nuts!”

“Yeah, uh…I don’t exactly care about them,” said Krampus.

“What are you, some kind of sociopath?” asked Avery.

“I’m a demon, Avery,” said Krampus with a frown. “We tend to antagonize humans. No offense, but, I don’t think you came on this date with me so you could evaluate how I treat humans. You’ve seen that every day, every December, since, well, for a long time. You’re here to evaluate how I did on the date.”

“Piss-poor,” said Avery, crossing her arms.

“Okay, and how could I improve?” asked Krampus.

“I hate the smell of garlic, so don’t eat it with me on dates,” said Avery. “At least — not raw. It’s fine if it’s in a dish or something.”

“So next time, I can bring garlic bread into the theater,” said Krampus.

“No!” hissed Avery.

“I’m kidding,” said Krampus. “Geeze, so sensitive. I’ll just get the garlic butter topping on the popcorn.”

“No, don’t do that either,” said Avery.

“Why not?” asked Krampus. “Why does it matter what I eat when I’m on a date? And in a theater?”

“Because…because…” started Avery blushing. She looked around and saw couples frikkin’ everywhere, holding hands, chatting. Why was it so hard for her to just say what she had to say to Krampus? It was just a note, a stupid note about dating, so why couldn’t she just tell him why he shouldn’t eat frikkin’ garlic in a theater when he had his arms around a woman?

“Huh,” said Krampus.

“What?” asked Avery.

Krampus nodded up. Avery looked.

There was a pair of two big balls hanging down from the edge of the theater awning.

Of course, one of the balls hung lower than the other.

Of course, these weren’t merely balls, but they were kissing balls — made of mistletoe and holly and other plants, but there was no mistaking the mistletoe as anything but mistletoe.

There was a whole lot of mistletoe hanging above their hands.

“And what exactly would you suggest I do in this situation?” asked Krampus.

“Well…if you were on a date…I guess you’d have to, you know,” said Avery, looking away from Krampus.

“Do what?” asked Krampus slyly.

“You’d have to…you know…” started Avery nervously.

“What is it, Avery?” asked Krampus. “What do I have to do?”

“You’d have to kiss me!” blurted out Avery.

“I guess I would…wouldn’t I?” asked Krampus, stepping up to Avery, dwarfing the Christmas elf with his height and his breadth. Avery was as curvy as they came. You know what they say — never trust a skinny baker. Well, Avery was a very trustworthy bakery. Still, next to Krampus, she felt as tiny as a nut next to a big wooden nutcracker…and she knew Krampus had some big wood, and the nuts to go with it.

“Y-you would,” said Avery, looking up into Krampus’ deep green emerald eyes.

Those eyes had enticed her for years. They were as green as the leaves of the mistletoe, as shiny as the mistletoe’s white berries. The black curls of hair fell softly over his forehead, down slightly past his ears. Krampus hadn’t shaved — that much was obvious — and from the scent of his natural musk, and the fact he was wearing one of his flannel shirts, she was sure he hadn’t showered or changed for the date either.

He’d done everything wrong…

…so why did the thought of kissing him feel so right?

Avery wrapped her arms around Krampus’ shoulders and leaned up to give Krampus a peck on the lips.

At least, that’s what she intended.

But, as soon as Krampus put his hands on her waist, in the space between her two most shapely areas — because circles and ovals are totally shapes — where she was sensitive to the touch and quite ticklish, she changed her mind.

A new item had been added to Avery’s Christmas list — a kiss from Krampus, preferably one imported from France.

Avery leaned into Krampus’ embrace. She took in his scent — not a sulfuric scent, nor one of brimstone. He smelled of the fresh pine he’d cut down on Camp Kringle, of a man who’d done a day’s labor, and yes, slightly of garlic.

Krampus picked Avery up gently, caressing her curves. Avery looked up and then, closed her eyes. She brushed her lips against Krampus’ lips for the first time.

They’d been playing this game of cat and mouse — of Christmas demon and Christmas elf — for years. It had taken this long for them to finally smooch, and of course, it would be after Krampus had managed to get them kicked out of a horror B-movie.

Avery touched Krampus’ cheek and felt his stubble beneath her fingers. He hadn’t shaved. Well, now she was glad he hadn’t. She’d always wondered what his impish stubble felt like.

Krampus parted Avery’s lips with his tongue.

It seemed like Avery’s wish was going to get granted.

But, any Christmas wish granted by Krampus was basically a deal made with a devil.

That meant that there had to be a catch.

Then, Avery tasted it.

She tasted the catch.

The garlic taste.

It was still in Krampus’ mouth.

It wasn’t the somewhat sweet taste of roasted garlic. It wasn’t the smoky taste of blackened garlic. It wasn’t the butter taste of garlic bread. It wasn’t the fragrant smell of freshly grown garlic.

It was garlic that tasted like it’d been planted in the soils of Hell and harvested by farting demons.

Avery broke the kiss.

“Ugh, Krampus,” said Avery, reaching into her pocket to take out some gum. She quickly chewed a piece, tossed it away, and chewed another. The taste of garlic remained.

“So…you were saying about garlic?” asked Krampus.

“You don’t eat it in a theater because a lot of people smooch in the theater, in the dark,” said Avery hurriedly between chews of minty gum. “And if you expect to get in any smooching, you don’t eat garlic! That’s like, rule one!”

“I thought rule one was ‘don’t be tardy,’” joked Krampus.

“Good night, Krampus — that’s the end of date one,” said Avery.

“I thought we were going to dinner,” said Krampus.

“Yeah, well, a first date usually ends after the first kiss,” said Avery, rushing away to her car.

“Any notes on the kiss?” called Krampus.

“Just because you have cloven feet, that doesn’t mean you need to eat cloves of garlic as a snack!” hissed Avery…who was still chewing the gum to get the taste of garlic out of her mouth.