“I’m fine — but I lost ten bucks on that fight,” said Avery.

“Wait, what?” asked Krampus, looking over Avery to make sure some shapeshifting demon hadn’t taken her place, looking for a forked tail or horns on her head.

“I had ten bucks on you!” said Avery. “Well — ten bucks that you’d get through the maze and beat Lucy in the fight in under half an hour. You were lost in there for a long-ass time, babe! It’s already Christmas frikkin’ Day!”

“Okay, back up — a bet?” asked Krampus. “First of all — you know not to make deals with devils. Number two — you were in on this?”

“Not at first — but then, I got to know your cousin,” said Avery. “She explained her side of the story — how you hadn’t visited in, well, far too long. She offered to send me back because she technically wasn’t supposed to drag me down to Hell at all, but…”

“But what?” asked Krampus. “You wanted to see how this family reunion played out?”

“Yeah — and I kinda wanted to see if you’d actually come down to Hell to save my curvy butt,” admitted Avery sheepishly. “Guess I bet on the wrong horse — and the right goat.”

Krampus turned on his heel to face his cousin.

“So, Lucy…you drag my fated mate all the way down to Hell, on Christmas Eve…and you expect me to just, what, let that go?” asked Krampus, getting up in his cousin’s face.

“Calm down — I was going to give her back,” said Lucy. “Well, eventually.”

“I really could’ve left whenever I want,” said Avery, crossing her arms. “Trust me — if you hadn’t gotten here in time, well, then somebody else would’ve picked me up.”

“You mean like the pair of hunky guards that were guarding Lucy’s door? By the way, as you probably saw, Jezebel dispatched of them,” said Krampus.

“One demon’s enough for me, thanks — and I literally mean I would’ve been picked up,” said Avery. “Lucy said somebody would be sent down for me. That’s all.”

Lucy’s doorbell rang, playing out ‘In The Hall of the Mountain King.’

“And there he is, the man of the hour!” said Lucy, walking to the door. Lucy opened the door and greeted the familiar face. “Well, do come on in, hon! Don’t worry — I got the sleigh from Krampus, and we fixed it up best we could. It’s down in my garage — you know where to find it. Do come in! Merry Christmas!”

Tall. Broad shouldered. Dressed in red velvet. Carrying a big, thick, weighty sack o’ toys.

Forget the man of the hour — this was the man of the day.

No, this was the man of the season.

And he was riding in a golf cart led by eight reindeer.

There was no mistaking the figure at her door as anyone but the one and only Santana frikkin’ Claus.

“Santana? What are you doing here?” asked Krampus. “Deliveries end on Christmas Eve.”

“I deliver presents to all the children — Naughty and Nice — on Christmas Eve…that is, all the children of Earth,” said Santana. “Hell, well, I visit Hell the next day. I told you before. I don’t have domain over a place — I have domain over a time. It is Christmas time in Hell, isn’t it?”

“You deliver gifts to the home of all Evil…on Christmas Day?” asked Avery, raising an eyebrow.

“Hey — Good and Evil are entirely different from Naughty and Nice,” chastised Krampus.

“Plenty of young demons are both Evil and Nice each year,” explained Santana. “You know — the ones that do all their chores, like feeding the shadow bats that flap in the faces of the damned, picking up hellhound poop, and doing the dishes without being asked.”

“And Lucy just…lets you do that?” asked Krampus, looking at Lucy and then, at Santana, and then, back to Lucy.

“Well, of course,” said Lucy, crossing her arms. “Where do you think I got the idea to frikkin’ bring you into being in the first place? Santana kept bringing us gifts, so I thought it best we gave him one. His gifts are always so Nice that I thought it only proper to give him one that was Naughty.”

“Well…is that really the whole story?” asked Santana, crossing his arms. “You know, lying on Christmas can get you on The Naughty List.”

“What else is there?” asked Krampus. “That’s the whole story, isn’t it?”

“Well…not quite,” admitted Lucy. “I…uh…made a Christmas wish, a long, long time ago, back when I was a wee demonling.”

“You always got on The Nice List,” said Santana.

“Yeah, well…I was always busy being so Nice that I didn’t have time to be Naughty with the other demonlings,” said Lucy in a huff. “I was always an evil-two-shoes…but, one Christmas, I told Santana I wanted a friend, a real one. I wished for my straw goat that I’d made, with demoncraft, to come to life. And…the next morning, I woke up, and there was a demon my age, in the place of my straw goat! My family raised him alongside me, as a cousin, but, well, I knew where he really came from.”

“You…wished for me?” asked Krampus.

“It’s not a big deal,” said Lucy. “The point is, Evil kids can also be Nice, and have their Christmas wishes granted.”

“You know, you really are Evil,” said Krampus. “If Santana was already bringing gifts to you, then why did you drag Avery down here?”

“Christmas isn’t about gifts, Krampus,” said Santana.

“It absolutely is!” said Krampus. “It’s right in the name — Gift-mas!”

“It’s nothing,” said Lucy.

“Christmas is about spending time with family,” said Avery, elbowing Krampus. “All the gifts in the world can’t make up for that.”

“I don’t understand,” said Krampus. “If you wanted me to come down to spend Christmas with you, why did you make me a Christmas demon who sort of has a job to do during the holidays?”

“I thought you’d find the time to come see your family!” blurted out Lucy. “I didn’t want to have to ask you to spend time with us.”

“So kidnapping was your Plan B?” asked Krampus. “Sitting and waiting around, that was Plan A? I think you should’ve just kidnapped my furry ass if you wanted me to come down to see you.”

“Are you implying my ass is furry?” asked Avery, quirking a brow.

“Don’t be silly,” said Krampus. “Of course I am.”

Avery gave Krampus a glare that could bore a hole through Hell.

“Lucy — next time you wanna see me, you can do what everyone else does, and just call me,” explained Krampus. “I’ll always make time to see family.”

“It’s been centuries since you visited!” whined Lucy. “I was gonna give her back. After all, Santana visits every year!”

“I told you, Krampus — I was gonna go get her,” said Santana. “You just had to go and steal my sleigh.”

“I forgot you delivered to Hell,” admitted Krampus. “I don’t work Christmas Day.”

“Is that why Santana rode here in a golf cart?” asked Avery. “Aww, shizz — now I’m really gonna get on The Naughty List, for being a kind of accessory to grand theft sleigh!”

“No — I always ride here in a golf cart,” said Santana.

“Really?” asked Avery.

“You know, I have other sleighs,” said Santana, crossing his arms. “I rode one of those old ones for The Ride. Didn’t have heated seats, but it did the job.”

“Hell has different Christmas traditions,” said Lucy, shrugging her shoulders. “I sent you an invitation to Christmas, and, you could’ve used that to come and visit me, but, no — I guess you didn’t check your frikkin’ mail! I send you an invitation to Christmas every year, another tradition in Hell, at least in my house. Well, apparently, another tradition is not visiting your family for hundreds of years!”

“It has been?” asked Krampus. “Shit. I knew there was something I forgot to do. But why kidnap Avery?”

“Well, you’ve spent every dang Christmas with her — for the last twelve years,” said Lucy.

“No I haven’t,” said Krampus.

“Holy shit — he totally has,” said Santana before he broke down, roaring with laughter.

“Uh, yes, you have,” said Lucy. “Isn’t that right, Avery?”

“Well?” asked Krampus.

“You know…Lucy…might be right,” admitted Avery.

“Like Hell she is!” hissed Krampus.

“Well, now, let’s be rational,” said Lucy slyly, crossing her arms. “Where were you on Christmas Day in 2007? You were training a boy named Sean, who was training to be —”

“— Dasher, I know,” said Krampus. “Well…I was at Avery’s rental, with Avery, but, that was to talk to Sean.”

“Still counts as spending Christmas with her,” said Lucy. “Okay, what about Christmas 2008? Christmas Eve?”

“Christmas Eve isn’t the same as Christmas,” argued Krampus.

“People who resort to arguing semantics are people losing arguments,” challenged Lucy.

“Fine — I was at a strip club with Avery, but, that was just because we wanted to get Dancer — I mean, Ryan — and his fated mate back together,” said Krampus. “Long story.”

“Christmas Eve 2009?” asked Lucy.

“That’s not fair,” insisted Krampus. “We were just at the same office party helping that year’s Prancer – Ethan — get with his mate!”

“Uh-huh, sure,” said Lucy. “And Christmas Day? 2010?”

“We were just giving Cain — Vixen — whatever, back his shift,” said Krampus.

“That’s a one-person job,” said Lucy. “Did Avery really need to go with you to do that? What about Christmas Eve 2011? Comet’s year?”

“I was at Avery’s place, but, that was just to get her into her bed because she got frikkin’ drunk on eggnog,” said Krampus.

“And December 22^nd, 2012?” asked Lucy.

“That’s not Christmas!” said Krampus.

“That’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve,” said Lucy. “It’s part of the Christmas season. You were helping her set up some single’s event — so y’all could play Cupid.”

“Whatever,” said Krampus.

“Playing house with Avery — that’s not exactly in your job description, Krampus,” said Santana.

“December first, 2012,” said Lucy. “That was an odd year — the year your Donner got off The Naughty List in record time. Where were you?”

“Where I always am, on December first — at Bear Claw Bakery, giving Avery her frikkin’ Christmas tree,” grumbled Krampus.

“See, that’s it,” said Lucy. “Like always were. You were always with her — and look, you’re in love. No wonder you were with her, every Christmas, but, well…I thought that if she came down here for Christmas, you’d come down here for Christmas, and that was a fact cemented for me during Christmas 2013. That was Blitzen’s year.”

“When Eamonn’s mate got cursed by your frikkin’ cursed cookie cutters,” said Avery, raising an eyebrow.

“I…was in the hospital, with Avery,” admitted Krampus.

“Every year, from December first to Christmas Day, you two spend a good chunk of time together,” said Lucy. “If every year, a certain reindeer comes sniffing for a sugar cube, well, you can catch a demonic weregoat with a curvy sugar cube and some absinthe. A simple trap, really.”

“How about in the future, we just have a standing appointment to do something during the Christmas season — whether you come up to have brunch with us, or go ice-skating, or whether we come down here for some of your famous roast goose?” asked Krampus.

“That…sounds like a pretty good Christmas gift,” admitted Lucy. “I’m sorry I didn’t just ask.”

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t realize I hadn’t visited in like, three hundred years,” said Krampus.

“It’s been three hundred and forty-seven…but hey, who’s counting?” asked Lucy, raising an eyebrow.

Suddenly, Krampus’ chest started glowing through his shirt.

“Wait — what’s going on?” asked Avery.

“I…don’t know,” said Krampus, unbuttoning his shirt.

“Well, you ought to — given you’ve seen it happen countless times,” said Santana, crossing his arms. “Congratulations, Krampus — for ensuring you didn’t fall into mate madness, for claiming your fated mate, and for making somebody — some demon — believe in Christmas magic…you’re off of The Naughty List.”

“I am?” asked Krampus, incredulous, before looking down and reading the word that was written on his chest. It was a four-letter word, but it wasn’t the kind that usually found its way into his mouth. This word wasn’t a curse. In fact, it was sort of a blessing.

“I guess you really did end up doing something Nice for somebody this Christmas after all — somebody other than the two of us,” said Avery, putting her hand on the bright red word written on Krampus’ chest, reading ‘Nice.’ “In the end…I guess the real meaning of Christmas was that it’s important to check your mail! All this could’ve been avoided if you just read your invitation from Lucy and read about how much she wanted to see you. Ah, well – all’s well that ends well! I can’t believe you finally got on The Nice List, hon!”

“Well, knowing Krampus, that’ll just be temporary,” said Santana gruffly. “After all, he could get right back on The Naughty List — but at least he’s got a mate now. Can’t believe it took you two this long to get together.”

“You knew we were meant to be together?” asked Krampus.

“Why the Hell would I station you both in the same small town?” asked Santana.

“You said you needed me to make sure Krampus didn’t get up to too much trouble!” squealed Avery.

“I can have two reasons for doing something,” said Santana with a wink. “It’s just like how a demon can be both Evil…and Nice.”

“Hope y’all are hungry — I brought fish and gruel! Wait…is that Krampus?” called a voice.

Krampus and Avery turned. A woman had just entered Lucy’s parlor room, dressed in a red and white knit sweater, carrying a basket decorated with green ribbons. She was the most normal looking person that Avery had seen in Hell — which meant that the newcomer looked very strange to Krampus.

“Santana,” said the newcomer.

Santana nodded at the newcomer.

“Hmmph,” said the newcomer, passing by Santana. “No Mrs. Claus yet?”

“That sounds like a whole lot of ‘not your damn business,’” answered Santana, but that was all the answer the female demon needed.

“Bertha? Is that you?” asked Krampus. “Well…now it really is Christmas!”

“Lucy told me that she had a special present waiting for me,” said the woman that Krampus had called Bertha. “And…if you call me ‘Bertha’ one more frikkin’ time, it’ll be your last word.”

“Avery, meet my cousin, Perchta,” said Krampus, rolling his eyes. “Some call her ‘the female Krampus.’”

“Yeah, and they’d be wrong because he’s totally the dude version of me — Perchta,” said Perchta, reaching a hand out to shake hands with Avery. “Wait. You’re not a demon. You smell like peppermint and sugar cookies — and if demons could do that, I’d do that. What are you, what do you want, and how the heck can I smell like you?”

“I’m Avery, and, uh…I’m a Christmas elf,” squeaked Avery.

“No frikkin’ way,” said Perchta. “Wait. Why are you here?”

“Lucy wanted her to meet the family…because she’s my fated mate,” said Krampus.

“And when did you two meet? And how?” asked Perchta. “Let me guess — last month, he saved you from drowning in a lake, and you’ve had a whirlwind romance?”

“Nope,” said Avery with a smile. “He kept me waiting for a long time.”

“Two months?” asked Perchta. “He’s not an incubus, so I suppose that’d make sense.”

“Try over ten years,” said Avery, crossing her arms. “Thirteen, to be exact.”

“He what?” asked Perchta. “Krampus — you know what happens to those who annoy me.”

“You birch them?” guessed Avery.

“What, the thing with the twigs? Pah! No — I slit their bellies, take out the good juicy bits for my stew, stuff them with straw and pebbles, and go on my merry way,” said Perchta with a smile.

“You know what, Krampus?” asked Avery. “She is more badass than you. You’d be lucky to be called the ‘dude’ version of Perchta.”

“You know what? I like her already,” said Perchta. “Can we keep her? Pretty please?”

“For Christmases, sure,” said Avery. “Or…you know, you could come and visit us.”

“I could?” asked Perchta.

“Of course,” said Avery. “I need someone to tell me more embarrassing stories about Krampus — and, I can teach you how to smell like peppermint and sugar cookies.”

“What do we need for the ritual? Pentagrams drawn in cock’s blood? No — pentagrams drawn in cock blood, straight from the source, if you know what I mean!” said Perchta with a giggle. “Christmas magic is going to be so much fun!”

“All you need is an apron — and to wash your hands — because I get this smell the good ol’ fashioned way, from baking,” said Avery cheerily. “But…if you want to draw a pentagram in my bakery, do it with the red icing, not with blood.”

“Yeah, okay,” said Perchta, shooting Avery a wink. “No blood — got it. And that icing — it’s definitely not made with the blood of a firstborn mixed with lingonberries.”

“You know, it tastes so good, it might just be,” joked Avery.

“She’s joking,” said Krampus.

“Uh-huh,” said Perchta, shooting Avery another highly conspicuous wink. “Sure she is. Now, is it Christmas Day or not? Because I didn’t come all the way from frikkin’ Europe to not open some gifts!”

“Is…is it harder to get to Hell from Europe than from The North Pole?” asked Avery.

“No — but have you seen Christmas where I’m from? Whoo-ee, those folks know how to party like it’s 1099!” exclaimed Perchta. “Now, are we opening gifts or what?”

“Wow, Santana — you really outdid yourself this year,” said Lucy, looking in her stocking. “Every year, you always get me just what I want.” Lucy’s stocking was chock full of coal.

“Just doing my job, ma’am,” said Santana, tipping his Santa hat awkwardly. “Krampus, why don’t you go next?”

Krampus looked over the gifts. Then, he remembered the gift he had stashed in his endless pockets.

Every year, Krampus had either seen bad boy werebears open Pandora’s gifts or, he’d heard about the gifts later, from Pandora herself. He knew what kind of gifts Pandora gave. They were ones that someone either needed or wanted — yet every year, for the past eight years, the gift had been the same.

It made sense that this year, Pandora wouldn’t break tradition.

Krampus found Pandora’s gift and pulled it out of his pocket.

“Who’s that from?” asked Avery, looking over the box that Krampus had pulled out of his pocket.

“Pandora,” grumbled Krampus, trying to get the darn box open. Finally, he did, and he reached inside, felt for velvet, and, upon touching it, got down on one knee.

“Avery, this took me far too long to do,” said Krampus. “I’m not gonna waste any more of your time. After all, I came all the way to Hell to save your furry ass.”

Avery raised an eyebrow.

“I’m kidding — but I’m not kidding about this,” said Krampus. He tapped the cardboard box against his palm, and a velvet box came rolling out. Krampus popped open the green velvet ring box, exposing an engagement ring that any woman’s best friend would approve of. There was a large diamond in the center of the gold band — classic. Around the large diamond, there were tiny green emeralds, and, on the bottom, there was a red bow, made of rubies — personal.

“Avery…will you do me the great honor of taking this ring, and eventually, standing with me, in front of all our friends…” said Krampus, looking to Santana, and then, over to Lucy as he continued. “…and family, as we become not just man and wife…but demon and wife?”

“Yes, of course, I will,” said Avery, her eyes unable to see Krampus put the ring on her finger as they were full of tears!

“Don’t you just love a happy ending?” Perchta whispered to Lucy.

“As much as I love flaying the skin of the most depraved sinners of history,” admitted Lucy, dabbing at her eyes with a lace handkerchief. “No — even more than that. Even more than I love burning the soles of the feet of the damned with all that lovely coal Santana drops off for me each and every year!”

“Now, are you two getting in my golf cart or what?” asked Santana, crossing his arms. “You two have the rest of your lives to look into each other’s eyes like that. There’s a Hell of a lot of Christmas left to handle up at The North Pole — and I mean ‘up.’” Santana pointed up.

Krampus and Avery exchanged one more look and realized Santana was right — they did have the rest of their lives to be absolutely and entirely in love, and they got in his flying frikkin’ golf cart, led by eight flying frikkin’ reindeer, but, they had a ‘Hell’ of a lot more Christmas to handle — down in Hell.

“You know what? Why don’t you take the sleigh, pick up Jezebel, and I’ll take your cart back for you?” asked Krampus. “I think the two of us have to have a little more family time…with my, y’know, family.”

“Suit yourself,” said Santana, tossing Krampus the keys to the flying golf cart. “Have a Merry fuckin’ Christmas, y’all.”

And they did.