“What do you mean you had nothing to do with it?” shouted Krampus, who was being held by two big, buff security Christmas elves wearing carbon-fiber Santa hats.

“I mean that I didn’t put out any such order to have Avery dragged to Hell,” said Santana, arms crossed as he stood behind his desk. “That’s not exactly my style, is it?”

“Then what happened?” growled Krampus.

“I want to know, just as badly as you do — but to figure this out, you’re going to need to work with me,” said Santana. “That means calming the fuck down and realizing that Christmas can’t come to a stop just because something weird happened.”

“Watching my mate get dragged to Hell is more than just something ‘weird,’” said Krampus.

“The elves checked The Lists — twice — and she isn’t on The Naughty List,” said Santana. “She’s never made The Naughty List. Do you have any reason to believe she should be on The Naughty List?”

“Well…” started Krampus, calming down.

“You can leave us,” said Santana. “I can handle it from here.”

The security elves, leaving Krampus alone with Santana in his office at The Workshop — the center of all Christmas activity at The North Pole. Krampus expected to be there under better circumstances, preparing for The Ride, but things had changed and for the worse.

“I can’t believe I was so stupid,” said Krampus. “Uh…earlier today, Avery was Naughty. That could’ve gotten her on The Naughty List. Maybe The Naughty List didn’t update her status properly.”

“What exactly did she do that was Naughty?” asked Santana. “Burn down a Christmas tree? Steal a plate of cookies meant for me? Grand theft sleigh?”

“She, uh…well, she was in this all-leather outfit, super sexy, with a whip,” started Krampus.

“Stop,” ordered Santana. “I can see where this is headed. Kinky sex doesn’t get someone on The Naughty List. Avery could’ve stuck a giant candy cane up your ass. Still wouldn’t get her on The Naughty List — although, it would make your farts smell a lot better.”

“Would demoncraft get her on The Naughty List?” asked Krampus. “Back at my place…we were making cider, and she read aloud this demoncraft spell I made with my cousin Lucy — Lucy Fur — back in the day, and —”

“Did the demoncraft end up causing anything Naughty to happen?” asked Santana.

“No, no way,” answered Krampus. “It just made the cider cook faster. It uses hellfire for that, but, that’s all it does.”

“Then the demoncraft didn’t cause this,” said Santana. “Look, Krampus — Hell, it isn’t my domain.”

“Because Earth is?” asked Krampus.

“I don’t have domain over a space — I have domain over a time, and that time is Christmas,” said Santana. “I’ll get Avery back, on Christmas Day. Trust me.”

“I can’t trust anyone, nobody but myself,” said Krampus, getting up from the chair and shaking his head.

“Krampus, wait!” ordered Santana, but Krampus didn’t turn back.

“Damn demon,” muttered Santana. “He should listen to me…”

Krampus took the elevator down to the first floor. He walked out toward the tarmac, ready to teleport back to The Wreath to figure out to get down to Hell and save Avery.

He weighed all his options, and they weren’t good.

Most were focused around getting killed so his soul could go to Hell and he could save Avery, but, it was a risky choice, one that wasn’t reversible if it was the wrong reindeer to bet on.

He could also try to use his teleportation chain and get to Hell, but that chain wasn’t meant for cross-plane travel so he could get destroyed in the process.

He could try to hop into his own sack — the one that sent people to Hell — but, he’d need a friend to help, and, he wouldn’t have a way to get back to Earth.

He could try getting an invitation to Hell, but, where would he get one of those?

After all, getting to Hell was only half the issue.

He also needed to get Avery back to Earth. He’d need to figure out a way to teleport to Hell and back, and that would require strong magic, a form of magic different, if not stronger, than demoncraft.

As Krampus passed the sleigh prep area, he realized he did have another option.

That option was pretty Naughty.

It’d been mentioned by Santana himself.

Grand theft sleigh.

The sleigh could go anywhere. It had more power stored in its runners than Krampus had stored in his magical chain. Even without the reindeer acting as magical batteries, the sleigh was filled with strong Christmas magic that could help Krampus save Avery. If the sleigh went through a portal to Hell, it could probably survive the journey, and its occupants wouldn’t get burnt to a crisp by the hellfire all unauthorized things passed through on the way into or out of Hell.

Krampus entered the sleigh prep area, where Pandora and Jack were standing on the sidelines, watching the Christmas elves work on Santana’s sleigh. It was a beauty — one that Krampus had helped the elves put together, one that he did maintenance on every year.

“Hey,” said Krampus, nodding to Pandora and Jack.

“Hey yourself,” said Pandora. “I heard you and Avery are mates! Congratulations!”

“Magical beings like us…can have mates?” asked Jack.

“Of course we can,” grumbled Krampus. “We just tend to put it off. Anyway. What’re you two doing around here? Don’t you have some mischief to make around The Workshop?”

“Don’t you?” asked Pandora.

“In fact…I do,” said Krampus.

Krampus walked up to the Christmas elves working on running diagnostics on the sleigh.

“Beat it,” ordered Krampus.

“We’re working here,” said one of the elves.

Another elf beat that elf with a clipboard. “Stupid! Don’t you know that’s Krampus? He practically built this thing! So sorry, sir.”

“No problem, just…doing my job,” said Krampus. “Running my own tests, of course.”

Krampus got in the seat of the sleigh, and the elves cleared out.

Technically, only Santana was allowed to ride the sleigh, and technically, Naughty folks couldn’t even get the thing off the ground…unless it was in maintenance mode.

Krampus reached into his endless pockets filled with dei ex machina and unopened mail. He pulled out the key that put the sleigh into maintenance mode. Krampus flipped up the cupholder, inserted the key, and flipped the cupholder back down.

Before Krampus could take off, somebody in a blue velvet suit put his hands on the front of the sleigh.

“Trying to go on a joyride?” asked Boreas. “I don’t think Santana would much like that.”

“Get out of the way, Boreas,” said Krampus. “I don’t much care if you live or die, but it’d leave an awful stain on the ground.”

“Where are you even trying to go?” asked Boreas. “Maybe I can help.”

“Why do you care?” asked Krampus.

“I’m a naturally curious man,” said Boreas. “Now. What’s going on?”

“I’m storming Hell to save my fated mate,” said Krampus, rubbing his temple. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

“Krampus…wait,” said Boreas. “Hell’s heavily warded.”

“No shit,” said Krampus, crossing his arms. “It’s Hell. I have to go back to my place, make some calls, and —”

“There’s a simple way to get in, past the wards,” said Boreas. “But…you’re not gonna like it.”

“What is it?” asked Krampus

“You’re a demon. You should know. This is lesson number one. The souls of humans are allowed free entry into Hell,” explained Boreas. “Some are even escorted by demons — especially humans who have committed especially heinous sins.”

“So I just need to get a human soul,” said Krampus. “Easy.”

“Where the fuck are you gonna find a human soul?” asked Boreas.

“Uh, in a human body, numbnuts,” said Krampus. “And I know just where to find one.”

Boreas moved out of the way. Krampus gave him a thumb’s up. Then, Krampus took control of the sleigh and hoped to goodness he could do what he wanted to do without needing the help of those frikkin’ goody-four-hooves reindeer.

Krampus landed the sleigh in a familiar backyard, of a familiar rental unit. Every year, Avery had rented her tiny house in town out to her temp, and this year was no different.

Jezebel opened the sliding door to the backyard. She was wearing jeans and a shirt, her hair back in a neat bun.

“What the fuck?” cursed Jezebel. “Krampus, is that you?”

“Jezebel, I need your help,” said Krampus. “It’s about Avery.”

“Cool, what do you need?” asked Jezebel, arms crossed, eyebrow quirked.

“You don’t want the full story?” asked Krampus warily.

“What the fuck else am I gonna do today? Some guy shows up in your backyard with a magical fuckin’ sleigh, you don’t ask questions. Well. I have one question. Where are we going? I wanna know what to wear.”

“To do some Nutcracker shit,” said Krampus. “Get in the sleigh. We’re storming Hell.”

“Can I put on some frikkin’ tactical clothes first?” asked Jezebel.

“Fine,” said Krampus.

Jezebel went to her bedroom and came out in a pair of loose pajama bottoms with hearts on them and a pine green tank top, her hair in a messy ponytail. Jezebel put on a pair of tan fleece-lined slipper boots and got in the sleigh, right next to Krampus.

“That’s your tactical outfit?” asked Krampus.

“Never underestimate the power of a BBW in pajamas,” warned Jezebel.

“Whatever you say, kid,” said Krampus.

Krampus took his necklace chain off and threw it in the air. The necklace didn’t fall. Instead, it stayed suspended in the air, getting bigger, turning from a simple necklace into thick chains one would expect to find on a long-sunken pirate ship. The chain turned, forming a circular door on the ground, like a hole to the center of the Earth. The chain spun and whirled, filling with green flames that soon turned bright red.

“Alright, Jezebel — it’s time to do what many people have probably told you to do,” said Krampus.

“And what’s that?” asked Jezebel, crossing her arm.

“Go to Hell,” answered Krampus. With that, he compelled the reindeer to take off, through the portal, and as Krampus passed through the portal, he grabbed for one of the large links of the chain, pulling the pathway to Hell shut.

Boreas was right. Hell’s wards weren’t triggered by Krampus — because Krampus was in the company of a human soul.

Krampus didn’t have a plan for finding Avery once he was in Hell.

As Krampus entered Hell with Jezebel, he tried to gain his bearings. He hadn’t been to Hell in…well, he couldn’t remember quite how long. Still, he could navigate the plane of punishment well enough once he figured out where the heck he was.

Over the fiery pits where sinners were being burned, past the prisons where succubi teased and flayed mortal souls, was a large Victorian house, all black. It was a house he knew well.

“Huh,” said Krampus.

“What?” asked Jezebel.

“I…know who lives in that house,” said Krampus. “My cousin — Lucy.”

“Would your cousin have a reason to kidnap Avery?” asked Jezebel.

“No, but this is Hell — Lucy doesn’t need a reason to cause trouble or to kidnap anyone,” admitted Krampus. “It’s the kind of prank she’d play on me…but I don’t know why.”

“Well, you just said it yourself,” said Jezebel. “This is Hell. You don’t need a reason to cause trouble.”

“You know — your name really does suit you,” admitted Krampus. “You sure you don’t have some demon in you?”

“No — but I wouldn’t mind getting some demon in me,” joked Jezebel. “Got any hot cousins?”

“Ha-ha,” said Krampus, rolling his eyes, and steering the sleigh so that they were on course to Lucy’s house.

Krampus landed the sleigh a hop and a skip away from Lucy’s house and walked up to the gates. Jezebel started to get out of the sleigh.

“Stay here,” ordered Krampus. “It could be dangerous.”

“Ugh — so you just used me to get into Hell?” asked Jezebel. “Typical! All men are were-pigs!”

Krampus rolled his eyes as he walked off. The gate was guarded by two large demons who were big, buff, oily, and as red as an erection. He knew the type — incubi.

“Who goes there?” asked one of the incubi.

“I’m here to see Lucy,” said Krampus.

“Invitation?” asked the second incubus.

“I don’t have an invite,” admitted Krampus.

“No invite, no entry,” said the first incubus.

“No entry, no invite,” said the second incubus.

The first incubus looked at the second and raised an eyebrow. “Really, dude? That makes no sense.”

“I’m Lucy’s cousin!” insisted Krampus.

“You know how often we hear that?” asked the second incubus.

“That’s the oldest line in the book — and trust me, we’d know,” said the first incubus. “We’ve worked here for two hundred years, and in all that time, never seen you here.”

“Call Lucy,” ordered Krampus.

“If you’re Lucy’s cousin…shouldn’t you have her number?” asked the second incubus.

“Shit,” cursed Krampus. These demons looked like meatheads, but they were still demons, and that meant they were logical whip-smart magical beings.

“Don’t curse,” said the first incubus. “It’s close to Christmas. You wouldn’t want to get on The Naughty List.”

“Really? You’re pulling that line on me?” asked Krampus. “I’m Krampus.”

“Who?” asked the second incubus.

“The Christmas demon?” asked Krampus. “You’ve really never heard of me before?”

“Buddy — we all like roast goose and plum pudding, and finding lumps of coal in our stockings for being Nice,” said the first incubus with a laugh. “That doesn’t make us Christmas demons.”

Krampus walked back up to the sleigh and got in.

“Well?” asked Jezebel. “Did your cousin have any info?”

“Couldn’t even get past the guards,” admitted Krampus, raising the sleigh into the air.

Jezebel hopped out of the sleigh, which was three feet over the ground. Krampus quickly landed the sleigh.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa — what are you doing?” asked Krampus.

“What kind of demons are they?” asked Jezebel. “The torturing kind, with the salad forks? Or the sexy kind from the movies?”

“Uh…incubi, which are —” started Krampus.

“I know what an incubus is,” said Jezebel. “Looks like I’m gonna have myself a very Merry Christmas.”

“Jezebel!” hissed Krampus.

Jezebel slapped her own ass. “I know you are, but what am I?”

Krampus shook his head and followed Jezebel from a distance. He was already in Hell, but Avery was gonna kill him if he got her temp murdered.

Jezebel walked up to the gate.

“Who goes there?” asked the first incubus.

Jezebel looked over the house, ignoring the incubus.

The second incubus exchanged a confused glance with the first incubus, before clearing his throat, and saying, “What do you want?”

Jezebel looked over the first incubus, and then, over the second incubus, and then, put a hand on her hips and popped her butt out to the side, before answering, “I don’t know. What do you want?”

“Well, well, well,” purred the first incubus.

“Aren’t you a sassy bitch?” asked the second incubus.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” said Jezebel, spanking the incubi’s rock-hard butts. “Now, why are you two being so Nice? ‘Tis the season…to be Naughty.”

“We have to guard this house,” said the first incubus.

“Yeah — it’s our job,” said the second incubus.

“Well, this is Hell, isn’t it?” asked Jezebel.

“Yes…” started the first demon.

“All kinds of bad, bad things happen in Hell, right?” asked Jezebel.

“Right…” admitted the second demon.

“Well, in that case, shouldn’t you be bad, and play hookie from work?” asked Jezebel. “If you’re demons, who do bad things…shouldn’t you be torturing me and my curves, instead of doing your nice, cushy jobs?”

“I think she might have a point,” said the first incubus.

Krampus couldn’t believe what he was hearing! Jezebel had managed to outsmart the two demons.

“Well, tell you what — if you two end up feeling really guilty for the sin of — what’s the one where you don’t work? Sloth? — I’ll punish you with something real lustful,” said Jezebel. “How does that sound?”

“It sounds pretty fucking hot,”‘ admitted the second incubus. “Plus…the change of the guard is in ten minutes anyway. We just have to wait for them, and —”

“But I’m horny now,” said Jezebel, backing her butt up against the second incubus and twerking on his cock. “Now, daddy, now!”

“Fuck,” groaned the first incubus. “Okay — the guardhouse. We can still guard the gate from there.”

“Of course you can,” said Jezebel.

The incubi led Jezebel into their guardhouse. Once they were in there, they forgot about the gate entirely, and Krampus took his chain, tossed it, and used it to make a portal, through the gate, into the estate.

Krampus walked up to the front door and knocked.

“Lucy?” called Krampus. “Hello?”

The door suddenly opened…but nobody was there. Krampus looked inside. He didn’t recognize the layout of the house at all, even though he’d been there before.

He reached into his pockets and pulled out something he’d never thought he’d find a use for — a big ball of Christmas ribbons. He’d collected the ribbon over the years, tying the strands and idly tying it into a ball when bored.

Now, it seemed, the ball had a purpose.

He pulled the loose string on the ball of string, and a line came out of his pocket. He tied the string to the doorknob of the door and started walking through the house like Theseus in the minotaur’s maze.

That was the thing about the minotaur’s maze — there was always a monster inside.

However, this wasn’t a Classical myth.

It was a Christmas story — to be specific, The Nutcracker.

That story didn’t have a minotaur.

It had a different kind of monster.