After Zane asked me out, I got like hardly any work done. I was able to finish sorting all the contacts into their lists and I got through half of the letters, but that’s all I did. It should have taken me – at most – a few hours and I should have finished with everything, but it took me the rest of the day and I have quite a bit of work that will bleed into tomorrow. Lying to Whit wasn’t easy either. I like him, too, but Zane asked me not to say anything and I want to make him happy. I want to make both of them happy, really, and this date isn’t going to make Whit happy. I know exactly what I’m doing. They’ve both been coming on to me and I just went with the first one who took the full leap. I’m not sure if I’m happier that it’s Zane. My feelings for them feel different, but also the same – maybe because that’s how their personalities are – different, but the same.
I don’t even know why I said yes to Zane. I won’t be able to figure that out tonight. Either way, it’s a good thing my Dad is nowhere near here. I would not want him to see me getting all dressed up. He’d have so many questions and he’d find out about my dinner with Zane and then it would all come crashing down. It might all come crashing down in three months anyway, but I’m not going to think about.
I’ve been spending an hour trying to decide on a dress. I’ve never cared this much about my clothes. These past three days have been me obsessing over what message I’ve been sending with my outfits. And tonight’s outfit is the biggest deal because this is an actual date. I end up settling on a simple, black dress. It’s sleeveless but has a high neckline and it is mid-length. I’m comfortable, but I also feel pretty – it’s the ultimate outfit. I put on minimal jewelry – a silver bracelet, with a matching necklace and earrings. I’m more than contented with my ensemble.
It’s ten minutes to seven, so I put on my heels and check myself in the mirror one last time. I’ve managed to get all my hair somewhat tamed, getting just about all of it out of my face. There’s also more makeup than usual. I’m trying out some winged liner, blush and lipstick. It’s not the first time – I would say it’s more like the third. I like how the effort can be seen because I put it in. I want Zane to know that this isn’t my every day look, that I’m going a little further for him.
I hear two quick car honks and go outside to find Zane in the driver’s seat of a classic Mercedes 300 SL. The top is down, but every strand of Zane’s perfect hair is in place. I get in on the passenger side, looking him up and down. He is in a nice dark blue suit. I wouldn’t put it on the black-tie end of the spectrum, but it’s definitely fancier than what he wears to work. Looks like we both went that extra mile.
“You look really nice, Chloe.” His eyes stay on my face the longest, but they also take a quick look at my body, but then he’s right back to looking into my eyes.
“Thank you. I put on a little more makeup and my hair isn’t a bird’s nest.”
He laughs under his breath at my little joke and then we’re off to the restaurant. It’s a hella fancy place – which is why I put on my nice, black dress. I had stopped going to places like this when I went to college, but I’m excited to be reentering fancy society. Fancy society is definitely overrated, but it's still fun. We go inside, and the host seats us. Zane is perusing the wine list and we’re about to start a conversation when I see Whit at the entrance.
I must look scared or confused or something because Zane asks me, “What is it?”
I motion with my chin to the door and that’s when I make eye contact with Whit. He smiles broadly and starts to make his way over to our table.
Zane has seen him, and he looks at me asking, “Did you tell Whit about tonight?”
I shake my head profusely because I made sure to make nothing slip. I’m not surprised that Whit found out about this dinner, though. He’s one for digging deep.
“I didn’t tell him anything. I have no idea how he found out.” Just as the last part of my statement slips out, Whit reaches our table and sits down.
He must have heard some part of what I said because he responds to it. He looks upset, but his voice sounds unconcerned. “Don’t worry, Zane. Chloe kept your secret. Unfortunately, the executive assistant was a little too loud when making the reservations and I told him to change it from two to three.”
Zane’s eyes narrow and I’m worried he’s going to make some kind of catty comment, so I butt in before anything unfortunate is said. I put my hand on Whit’s, so he turns his attention to me.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here,” and I mean it. I was in knots about having a date with Zane and not even telling Whit about it. This way, there’s less guilt and we can all have a nice dinner together… I hope. I’m not sure if Whit is genuinely okay with our sneaky tactics. He’s so good at masking his feelings and intentions that it’s always a guessing game for me. He was the same way years ago. With Zane, I always had a better understanding of how he felt about me, even when we were just friends, but Whit – Whit was way more elusive. He’d always talk to me, but something always felt closed off. I couldn’t open him up then, but I want to open him up now.
We get our wine and our food, and it doesn’t take too much time to get comfortable with one another. Whit and Zane lightly tease me, poking fun at some of my childhood habits.
“I remember when you made your mother give you dinner for lunch and vice versa because you were trying out being European,” Zane reminisces, lazily swirling the red wine in his glass.
“Ugh, I remember that… The only real difference between the two meals for Americans vs Europeans is the size – I mean country to country, culture to culture, there are obvious differences, but that wasn’t what I was going for. I was going for the most surface-level interpretation. So, whatever my Mom had planned for dinner that night, she would have to make it earlier in the day, so it would be ready for me.” My voice quivers a little as I reminisce. My Mom tried to not to spoil me, given how she grew up. She wasn’t born into money and she wanted me to be more grounded and have my feet firmly planted, but that didn’t stop her from overindulging me when it came to some of eccentricities – like any other mother, especially because I was her only child. I miss my mom.
“My favorite time was your emo phase. Rita wouldn’t let you die your hair black, but you still managed to completely embody the look of a sullen teen.” Whit laughs.
My Mom wouldn’t let me die my hair any color, so I got all the dark clothes I could to slide into the emo lifestyle. Thankfully, there are very few pictures from the phase. There are very few because I hid all the ones I could.
“Hey! I know I went through weird times, but I know you guys did, too. I just wasn’t old enough to see it because you two are two old men.” I don’t really mean it – they are only ten years older than me – but I want to get in on the teasing. Zane looks shocked and Whit fakes being offended.
“Well, I never!” Whit has put his hand over his heart as if my words have caused his heart to stop. His theatrics are always amusing to watch. Zane notices me laughing at Whit’s little show and jumps in with his own comment.
“Well, I think you should know that with age comes wisdom, but also Whit is two months older than me in case that matters.” Zane dramatically thumps Whit on the shoulder. Whit brushes his hand off.
I laugh because it’s cute the way the two of them get on one another’s cases. I can tell Zane is pretty pleased with himself and his comment.
However, Whit is never one to back down and he comes back with a retort. “Two months older, two months wiser, little boy.”
“With youth come beauty. Old man!” Zane throws back.
“Beauty?” Whit snorts, “I’m way better looking than you, Sir.”
“Whatever! I spend more time at the gym than you do. You know my abs are out of this world.”
“Fellas…” I start.
Whit interrupts, “My arms are better than yours and that’s even with me hitting the gym less!”
“Guys, it’s not a contest…” I try to calm them down.
Whit has pulled his jacket off and is now unrolling his sleeves. Zane looks to be following his lead and is taking his jacket off as well. They’ve become so embroiled in their little word battle that I’m almost lost to them. At first, it doesn’t really dawn on me, but after some time watching their little schtick, I get annoyed. I thought this dinner was designed for the three of us, but I’m beginning to see that Zane and Whit have this weird combative edge with each other. It’s nothing new – they were like this before, but I thought they would have grown out of these childish games. It’s become way too aggressive, both men are rolling up their shirt sleeves and are standing up. Zane leans forward onto the table and pokes his finger into Whit’s chest.
I am no longer deriving any pleasure from this evening. I consider trying to stick it out, but why be miserable? I wanted to have a good night, but it’s obviously not happening. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to have some time to myself, so I can regroup. I’m not sure either of them noticed me leave the table.
I walk myself to the restroom and step inside. There aren’t too many women, so I’m able to get into a stall immediately. I lock myself in and close the lid, so I can sit and stew in my self-pity. Right now, I’m really sad. I’m sad enough to cry. I genuinely thought Zane and Whit liked me, but maybe this was all some kind of weird bet for them – see who can get with me first. I mean, the way they are arguing – it’s like they forgot I was even there. I nervously tap my foot, my self-esteem starting to dwindle. But as I go further and further into sadness, I realize I’m being stupid. Why am I getting sad over two immature men!?!? It’s not my problem that they can’t get past whatever dick measuring contest they are currently in. I wipe away the tears that were starting to form and get mad. I get mad because they’ve had me all confused for three days and now they are dismissing me. I get mad because I wasted time and emotions on this when I could have been working on other, more important things. Like figuring out how to tell my Dad what I want with my life or finding somewhere where I can be happy after this summer ends. Maybe even finding a real relationship. I know it’s only been three days, but that’s three days of my time. My time wasted on something that ended up being irrelevant. My time wasted on these two guys.
I get off the toilet seat, ending my disgusting pity party and go back to the table, ready to lay into Whit and Zane, but when I get back, they’ve stopped their aggressive bickering and turn all their attention to me.
“You were in there a long time. Are you okay?” Zane honestly looks concerned. His hand is on the table reaching towards me.
“Yeah, you look a little flushed.” Whit is sitting back in his chair with his arms folded. He looks slightly embarrassed.
I sit down, confused by their concern and attention. A great way to dissipate anger is confusion.
“I’m fine. I was just… it’s nothing.” I’m really subdued now, thinking back on the evening. Did I overreact, maybe. That’s a possibility, I guess.
Before I can really delve into it, Zane askes me a question with a smirk on his face. “So, tell me, Chloe,” he asks. “Who do you like working with more? Whit or me?”
I smile weakly, trying to think of answer that will appease them both, but Whit jumps in before I can say anything.
“It’s not even a competition, Zane. I am obviously the better boss.”
“I highly doubt it,” Zane counters.
And then they go off again, escalating back to the same state that they were in before and I realize that it wasn’t in my head and these guys are being really shitty. It’s not me, it’s totally them and I’m going to call them out on all of their bullshit.
“Hey,” I say way too quietly. They’re so wrapped up in their argument that they don’t even here me, so I say it a lot louder the second time. “Hey!” I get a stare from the couple next to us, but it gets Zane and Whit’s attention, so I don’t even care.
Smiles fade and the two of them look at me with somber expressions. My displeasure is evident and I’m fucking elated about that. I throw my napkin down for extra effect and start to tell these boys just exactly what’s wrong with them.
“I’ve just about had enough of your dumbass dick measuring contest. We’ve been here for like an hour and for most of it, you two have been aggressively bickering with each other. At first it was cute, light-hearted ribbing, but now it’s out of control and I don’t want to hear anymore of it.”
“Wait…” Zane tries to interject, but I quickly shut that shit down.
“No,” I point at him. “You guys weren’t listening to me, so it’s my turn to speak and you’re going to shut up and listen.”
He clams up and I look at Whit who holds his hands up in resignation.
I continue, “I need you go guys to know that no matter how much you fight about it, I’m never going to be able to choose between the two of you. I like you both so much, I could never possibly pick. I was hoping we’d all be able to let it go or maybe easily figure it out, but we’re here at this point and now I’ve got to say all this stuff I’d rather not.
You need to stop this nonsense. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m not a great catch, but I’m not worth losing a friend over. You are best friends – best friends since birth! That’s something special and if I knew I was the cause of the ruining of such a friendship, I’d never be able to forgive myself. And it’s not just your friendship in jeopardy. If you continue this futile battle, you’re going to leave Bingham Law Offices at risk as well and that is something I could never allow. My Dad is counting on you two to take over when he retires. You’re the only ones who can hand it all over to. Don’t let all his hard work go to shit because you guys were thinking with your dicks.”
They’ve both gotten very ashamed and they are starting to get antsy. Good! They need to know just how shitty all of this is and if a little discomfort is what it’s going to take, they better count themselves lucky.
“I’m going to leave now because this night has become unbearable. I hope you’ve heard what I’ve said because, if you haven’t, believe you me, I will go much further to prove my point.” It’s at this point I get up, making to leave, but before I turn my back on this night, I tell them one more thing. “And don’t follow me. I can find my own way home.” And with that I leave the restaurant and whatever hopes I had of having a relationship with Zane or Whit in the dust.
I go outside and call a taxi to take me home. While I wait, I think about my speech and while it was harsh, I don’t regret it. I said what I needed to, and I said it well. My ride arrives and takes me home.
At the guest house, I throw my purse on the ground and take off my dress. What a good look wasted! I flop on my couch in my bra and panties and stare at the ceiling. If only tonight could have ended better. But then I would still have the problem of having to choose between Whit and Zane and we probably would have ended up at the same point of me choosing neither, but everything would have been civil at least.
Standing up for myself felt so good. I got rid of all I’d been keeping inside the past few days when I would stay quiet and be timid. Generally, I’m way louder and I showed them a very important side of myself. But there’s the other end of it all in that I probably hurt them in some way. It’s obvious they both want me. It’s so fucking obvious, anyone with half a brain could see it, but it’s not worth what we were all about to go through. There would have been so much heartache and hurt feelings… I didn’t want any of that happening. And I meant it when I said I would never be able to choose. It’s something I’ve been thinking about ever since I started. Zane or Whit? If I chose one of them then I would always regret what could have been. I’d regret hurting one of them and it would be something I couldn’t take back.
Having both is not an option. What would that even mean? Alternating days? Zane Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday – Whit Thursday, Friday, Saturday – and Sunday is my day off? The logistics of it don’t make any sense to me which means it’s not going to happen. So, my other option is neither. It hurts a little, but it’s so much better than the road we were all heading down. This way, there no resentment or maybe they’ll resent me, but they’ll remain friends and that’s important. Hopefully over time, we can all become friends again and find partners outside of our little group. I don’t like to think about either one of them with someone else, but I have no claim to them, so I’ll have to grow comfortable with the idea. It’s what’s best for all of us.
I completely undress myself, putting on pajamas and climbing into bed. I curl up on my side, the sadness of what I’ve just done hitting me. With time, I’ll get over it. That’s how it works. With time we all get over everything.