So I was in the shower after talking to this hot reporter from Sports Ring, right? As always, Ringo had to start some shit and Jackson had to calm him down. Kyle and I backed him up and, long story short, the hot reporter asked us all out to dinner. There was something about this girl. I had to get to know her and I was hoping she’d want to get to know me. Sure enough, early into the shower I caught her taking a peek at us!
“Yo, Jackson, Kyle,” I whispered. “I think Lexi’s sneakin’ a peek at this.”
“No one wants to see your dirty old junk, Carey,” joked Kyle.
“I don’t want her to get scared and think it’s an anaconda,” I joked back. “But seriously, did you catch the vibe between us? I’m thinking maybe you guys do me a solid and forget about dinner.”
“Hell to the no,” said Jackson determined. “The vibe you’re sensing is between me and Lexi. That much is clear.”
“Pfff, you’d better get those glasses checked, old man,” I said, half joking. “Did you see that hair flip? That hair flip was in my direction.”
“Uh, not at the angle I was standing,” insisted Jackson. “Besides, we just told her a story of how you were fighting over a girl with Ringo. She has to assume you’re still with her.”
“No one’s gonna make that assumption,” I insisted. “That’s stupid. That’s a stupid assumption.”
“C’mon, the implication is clear. If you were fighting over a girl?”
“But that was Ringo.”
“She don’t know Ringo like we do.”
“You’re trippin’ Jackson,” I insisted. “What makes you think she’s into you?”
“First off, I’m the quarterback. That’s like being the lead singer of the band.”
“I’m the star halfback. That’s like being the lead guitarist!”
“Yeah, but that’s not the order,” assured Jackson. “It’s lead singer first, then guitarist.”
“What am I?” asked Kyle.
“You’re like a… drummer,” said Jackson.
I had to laugh at that. Jackson could be funny when he wanted to be.
“A drummer? Are you shittin’ me?” said Kyle, sounding a little outraged.
“What? Drummers get pussy all the time,” assured Jackson.
“No, way,” said Kyle.
“All right, you’re gonna stand there and tell me that the drummer for Metallica doesn’t get chicks?” asked Jackson.
“Not over the singer and the guitarist!” said Kyle. “I’m like the last guy left in the band!”
“No,” I pointed out. “That’s the bassist. No one gives a shit about the bassist. Except Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers.”
“I’d rather be Flea,” said Kyle.
“Fine,” said Jackson. “You’re Flea. Happy?”
“Yeah,” said Kyle. “That’s why Lexi Aaron is going to go home with me.”
“What?” I said. “Now you’re both trippin’!”
“I am Flea,” reminded Kyle, a little hurt. “Besides, did you see the way she looked at me?”
“She was looking at me,” corrected Jackson.
“At me!” I insisted.
“Whoa-whoa-whoa, slow down,” said Jackson, trying to analyze the situation. “Has this already become a Tina situation?”
“It’s not a Tina situation,” I insisted. “Don’t call something a Tina situation when it’s not a Tina situation.”
“Well Ringo was involved!” snapped Jackson.
“But Tina wasn’t!” I pointed out.
“Why do you think a prim and proper, girl-next-door type is going to be into you?” asked Jackson.
“She ain’t prim and proper,” I assured him. “That chick is wild underneath. I can see it in her eyes. You remember that girl in Houston?”
“That CEO we met in the skybox?” remembered Jackson. “You got with her?”
“Yes! And that girl was a freak,” I told them. “On the outside, she was reserved and all business. Behind closed door, oh my Lawwwwd!”
“How wild?” pressed Jackson.
“First off, there wasn’t nothing this chick wouldn’t put up her pussy,” I explained. “I mean, half the shit in my hotel room she tried, just to do it. Then she went into the hotel bar and tried to pick up another girl to have sex with both of us.”
“Did she do it?” asked Kyle.
“Naw, the other women turned her down. Then one threw a drink in her face and that was it for the night. I was relieved. I think she had problems,” I said.
“You got Lexi all wrong,” said Jackson. “She not wild. She’s a sweet girl. The moment I walked into that room, I could see that. Ringo leering over her. She needed someone to save her, man.”
“Whoa, listen to you. Do you believe this shit?” I said to Kyle.
Kyle just kind of laughed and rinsed his head off.
“It’s true,” insisted Jackson. “Women like that have a romantic notion of being swept off their feet by a white knight.”
“White knight?”
“You know what I mean,” said Jackson, not getting derailed. “She needs a strong man to pick her up and take her away from all the bad shit in her life. I’ve seen it before.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. That was some corny-ass shit.
“What?” said Jackson, incredulous.
“Jackson, that shit says way more about you than her,” I laughed. “You’re the one living your life in a fairy tale, not her. Back me up here, Kyle!”
Kyle nodded and smiled. Jackson looked a little annoyed.
“I’m not saying I want that; I’m just saying that’s what she wants,” explained Jackson.
“Save me, Jackson! Save me,” I joked.
Jackson sprayed me with some Axe body spray. He knew I hated that shit.
“Aw, God dammit! Now I gotta soap this shit offa me.”
As I started to rewash, Jackson couldn’t let it go.
“Seriously, that chick— That woman— There’s something about her, man,” said Jackson. “I could really fall for a girl like that. Like if I had to picture a woman I wanted, Lexi would look like that woman. Is that weird?”
“Nah, man. That ain’t weird,” said Kyle. “But I don’t think she’s like what you said. All helpless and needing a man and shit.”
“What’s your take on her, big man?” asked Jackson.
“Women like Lexi got a quiet power about them,” explained Kyle. “An inner strength that’s nurturing and loyal. She’s the kind of woman you have kids with and lots of them. Like nine kids.”
“Nine kids?” said Jackson, astonished.
“Holy shit,” I laughed. “You’re doing some advanced fantasizing now, Kyle!”
“But that’s just an example. I can see it in Lexi. Nine kids? No problem? You hurt yourself? She takes care of you. Whatever the problem is, Lexi can overcome it. That’s what I see. I mean, she appreciate our help with Ringo, but if we weren’t there, she would’ve dealt with that her own way,” explained Kyle.
“You saw all that?” said Jackson, mildly impressed.
“Yeah, man,” said Kyle. “You can see that in her eyes. Windows to the soul.”
Kyle didn’t talk all that much, but when he did, sometimes he’d get deep.
“All right, before this turns into a Tina situation,” I began.
“You said it wasn’t a Tina situation!” snapped Jackson.
“I said before it turns into one,” I corrected. “We should decide who gets Lexi. Let’s all state our reasons. I should be the one to date Lexi because I’m the best looking.”
“That’s totally subjective!” dismissed Jackson. “You can’t state that as a fact.”
“Well, I didn’t want to say, but we could do a dick measuring contest and you know what the facts are in that,” I pointed out.
Jackson and Kyle backed off that last point. I did have an enormous dick.
“Fine, we’ll give you that one,” Jackson relented. “I should be the one to date Lexi because this is probably my last season.”
“What?! You’re serious?” I said.
This was news to me.
“Yeah, don’t say anything,” admitted Jackson. “Look, man, I’m 31. My body can’t take this punishment anymore. I’ve had a great season, but it’s been a lucky season. You know it. We all know it. That pass at Giants stadium, that run I had in Pittsburgh. This is my last one. I want to go out on top. I need somebody, ya know?”
“All right, that was a good pitch, I got to admit,” I said. “Kyle?”
“I’m the youngest,” said Kyle simply.
“What?” I said.
“That’s it?” said Jackson. “That’s your pitch?”
“Yeah,” explained Kyle. “I think Lexi and I are both the same age. You guys are older and probably don’t like the same music or TV shows.”
“I’m only three years older than you!” I pointed out.
“Exactly,” said Kyle. “If we were in high school, you’d be a senior and we’d be freshmen! You don’t date freshmen when you’re a senior.”
“What about me?” asked Jackson.
“You’re like one of the teachers, man,” laughed Kyle. “That’s a big no-no!”
“All right, all right,” said Jackson. “Alternative pitch. We all put our best foot forward at this dinner and let Lexi decide which one of us she wants to date. Fair?”
We agreed.
“And no Tina situation,” reminded Jackson.
“I told you it’s not a Tina situation. Stop saying it!”