“Well, what do you think?” I lounge back in my chair, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Not bad.” Sean, our band manager, swivels his chair so the entire band is within his view inside the control room at Pete’s.
He flew in this morning for the sole purpose of checking out the tracks we laid down for the new album. Because we could have just sent him the digital files, I have a feeling there is more to his visit than just the music, like making sure our asses, mine specifically, aren’t getting into too much trouble.
Sean was assigned to our band by the label and has been completely open about the fact that his first choice in music is not rock. Honestly, I think that’s what makes him a perfect fit. We know if we can impress a non-believer then our fans will be fucking stoked.
“I’m not sure how I feel about the bridge on Ruthless,” he adds, referring to one of the songs I co-wrote with Killian. “It just… I don’t know. It just needs something.”
Killian narrows his eyes at me from where he’s sitting on the couch. “Fucking told you,” he mouths.
Killian has said from the beginning that it was missing something, but I thought it was pretty tight. I don’t know why but I feel off my game here recently. Scratch that, I know exactly what my issue is—I’m sober.
Not that it’s not a good thing, it is. It’s a fucking great thing. But when you’re used to jamming out with a warm buzz or a floating high, it’s hard to find your sound through the deafening noise that comes with sobriety.
When I’m fucked up, everything fades into the background, and all I feel, all I hear is the music. It’s hard to push away the distractions and just focus, especially when I can’t shake a certain someone from my fucking brain.
Fuck me. Just thinking about Rae sends my mind off in a whole different direction. I can still feel her in my lap; see the nervous tremble of her bottom lip, the confusion in her eyes, the hesitation just moments before she pressed her mouth to mine in a kiss that was probably one of the most tender moments I’ve ever experienced.
I don’t kiss girls like that. I take them hard, forcefully, only worried about what they can give me in that moment. But with Rae—I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just different. And while I crave her body in a way I can’t ever remember wanting a woman before, it’s not the end game for me. I don’t just want to fuck her again, I want to know her.
“Gabe.” I flip my eyes up to see Sean looking at me like I’ve grown two heads.
“What?” I snip, looking around to see the rest of the band staring at me as well.
“Seriously, dude?” Chet sighs loudly. “I swear to fucking god, we can’t win with this kid.” He slides his hat off and scratches his near-bald scalp before readjusting it on his head.
“You might as well repeat yourself.” Killian fights the amused smile threatening to spill across his face.
Clearly, he finds more humor in my inability to focus than Chet does. Not that I can blame Chet. I’d be pissed too if every time I tried to talk to him he was off somewhere else. I know it’s fucking infuriating, but there isn’t shit I can do about it.
This fucking girl has got me all kinds of fucked up…
“The label wants you back in L.A. at the end of June. You have Kimmel on July 1st and then you’ll be in New York for a week. We’ve got you booked to play Good Morning America on July 7th and Fallon on the 8th. We need two solid tracks nailed down and set as your first two singles off the new album by next week,” Sean informs me, I’m assuming for the second time, given everyone is watching me to make sure I’m paying attention this time.
“July 1st?” I question, not realizing we would be on such a set schedule directly following the completion of the album. I don’t know why but I thought we’d get some time off.
“We need to push this album hard.” He nods, straightening his suit jacket as he stands. “Now if you guys will excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work on booking the fall tour. We’re a little behind the game right now, and the label is breathing down my neck. So do me a favor and make sure this gets done.” He looks around, making eye contact with all four of us.
“It’ll be done,” Killian reassures him.
“Good.” One more nod and he exits the control room without another word.
“Fall tour?” I look around, not hiding my confusion. “Why am I the only one that seems surprised?”
I knew we were going back on tour. I guess I just didn’t realize how quickly.
“Well maybe if you’d listen to us every now and then.” Chet pushes off the couch, snagging his drumsticks off the table in front of him.
“I told you this last week,” Aiden adds.
“I thought you’d be over the moon,” Chet tacks on. “You were the one who wanted to stay on the road if I’m not mistaken.”
“That’s because on the road I had unlimited women and booze,” I huff, having a hard time envisioning touring without the allure of drugs, alcohol, and women.
“And here I thought it was because you loved performing live so much,” Chet spews sarcastically.
“Fuck you, dude,” I retort, getting tired of Chet busting my balls every fucking chance he gets.
“Look,” Killian interjects, defusing the situation before it gets too heated, “we’ve been playing together for years, but somewhere along the way it stopped being about us, about the music, and started being more about the fame. That’s why I wanted to come here. To reset. To find our spark again. I couldn’t be fucking happier about the success we’ve found. But it shouldn’t be about that. We used to play for next to nothing, just because we fucking loved it that much. I want to love it that much again.”
“Me, too,” Aiden agrees.
“You’re right.” I sigh, knowing I’m a lot to blame for how much we’ve drifted from where we were. “I know I’ve been a shit band mate and friend over the last few months.” I look around the room at the guys I call my brothers. “I promise you, things will be better from here on out. I’m clean. I’m here. I’m ready to fucking work.”
“That’s all we ask.” Chet clasps me on the shoulder on his way toward the door. “Now are you pussies done? We’ve got a fucking album to record.”
“Who the fuck are you calling a pussy?” I laugh, pushing up out of my chair the second Chet’s hand disappears from my shoulder.
“Just calling ‘em like I see ‘em,” he yells over his shoulder as he disappears through the doorway, reappearing through the glass window that looks into the studio seconds later.
“Are we doing this or what?” He holds his arms out in question, his voice barely audible as it carries through the open doorway.
“Yeah, yeah.” I snag Laurie from her spot next to the door before following Chet inside the recording booth.
Killian is right, this is a time for us to reset, to find our sound again, and to re-establish the bond that I have driven such a wedge between. All of this—being here, separating ourselves from everything else—it’s a chance to make things right.
My mind immediately drifts back to Rae.
Maybe I can make more than just one thing right during my time here.
“Let’s start from the top of Ruthless,” Killian instructs, stepping up in front of the mic. “See if we can tweak this bridge.”
I nod, slinging the guitar strap over my shoulder.
“One. Two. Three,” Chet calls out before the sound of our instruments fill the space in unison.
For the first time in a very long time, I push everything away and just focus on the feeling of Laurie in my hands, the way her strings feel against my fingers, the way I can feel her vibration throughout my entire body.
This is what it’s all about.
I’m determined to not lose sight of that this time around.
****
Leaving the studio just after seven, I feel better than I have felt in a very long fucking time. It seems like things are starting to come together again, and it feels fucking incredible to be a part of something so much bigger than myself.
Chet and Aiden headed back to the farmhouse as soon as we were finished recording for the day, while Killian stayed behind, waiting for Nora who’s meeting him for dinner. Not ready to go back just yet, I chose to skip out alone in the hopes of meeting up with Rae.
Sean rented two additional cars at the expense of the label so we can actually drive ourselves places. Thank fuck. Having to rely on Larry or Moe to drive me around like a fucking child was getting old really fucking fast.
Of course, we all got the normal lecture. Don’t go anywhere too public. Make sure to wear hats, sunglasses, really anything that disguises us from being immediately recognizable. Killian is the only one that really needs to worry. Being the front man of the band, he’s the most visible and therefore the easiest to recognize.
I mean, we all get recognized, especially in big cities like L.A. and New York. But here, I’d most likely go unnoticed by most people I’d come in contact with. Even still, I know how intense some fans can be so to appease the label, I’ve agreed to avoid certain places and keep my head down.
Sliding into the driver’s seat of the sleek black Mercedes E350, I immediately fire the engine to life and let out a slow sigh of satisfaction. It feels so fucking good to feel like I’m in control of something for the first time in a long time, and while it’s not my first choice of car, Sean claimed it’s the nicest one the rental place in town had.
Honestly, I don’t fucking care right now. I could be driving some beaten up clunker and I’d be just as happy. I’m just fucking ecstatic to be out on my own, to feel like a normal fucking human again.
Pulling out onto the street, I’m reminded why I love Athens so much; the simplicity of it all. It’s a complete contrast to the chaos of living in a city like L.A. I’m starting to wonder why I ever moved there to begin with. I know it’s more convenient and the label pushed for it, but it’s not like they own us, even though sometimes it definitely feels that way.
Rolling down every window in the car, I press the gas, smiling to myself when the wind whips around me.
As much as I’m enjoying the drive, I’m even more anxious to see Rae. Considering she didn’t answer my call a few minutes ago, I’m hoping to find her at the diner.
Pulling up to the curb, from the large windows that look inside the restaurant you can see just about everywhere but the kitchen and the office. Two waitresses lean across the counter talking to one and another, but I see no sign of Rae. The place looks pretty dead so I decide to head in and check, on the off chance that maybe she’s in the back.
Killing the engine, I quickly exit the car and head toward the diner. I get one hand on the door handle when her voice stops me.
“Gabe?”
I turn, damn near losing my breath when I see Rae standing on the sidewalk just feet from me, Landen resting on her hip. Fuck me, she’s beautiful enough on her own, but seeing her with her child, knowing that he may be mine, is enough to make her damn near irresistible to me.
I shake away the thought and focus on her pretty face, loving the way she looks both nervous and excited to see me. Two emotions I can handle.
“Hey.” I give her my best smile, not missing the way her cheeks flush slightly.
“Hey.” She shifts Landen to her other hip, readjusting the bag on her shoulder. “What are you doing here?” she questions.
“Looking for you,” I state like it should be obvious.
“I thought you were in the studio today.”
“I was. We just finished. What are you doing right now?” My smile widens when she has a hard time meeting my gaze.
Fuck, I love the effect I have on this girl.
“Nothing. I mean, I just… We just.” She’s flustered. I fucking love her flustered. “We were just having dinner with Corey, and I thought I’d check in.” She gestures toward the diner.
I ignore the slight pang of jealousy I feel knowing her and Landen were having dinner with another man. I mean, I know they’ve been friends forever, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out he wishes they were more. For all I know he’s just finished confessing his love for her and she’s decided he’s the better, more stable choice.
“That’s cool.” I keep my smile in place so she doesn’t see the battle raging inside of me.
“Yeah, he’s heading to Savannah tomorrow and will be gone for a few weeks…” She hesitates.
“So you wanted to spend some time with him before he leaves,” I finish her statement, once again ignoring the swell of jealousy that washes over me.
“Yeah.” She lets out a slow exhale followed by a nervous laugh when Landen squeals in her arms.
“Hi, buddy.” I reach out, letting him wrap his little hand around my index finger.
He squeezes it tightly, his big hazel eyes studying my face curiously.
“Good grip you got on ya there.” I laugh, swallowing down the rush of emotion I feel being so close to this little boy.
What doubt I had that he was mine all but evaporates as I take in every feature of his little face, up close where I can actually get a good look at him.
Nora was right; he has my eyes. It’s unmistakable.
“Maybe I could treat you two to dessert?” I ask, not taking my eyes off the child—my child.
“Um… Well, it’s getting late.” Rae seems even more nervous when I flip my eyes back to her.
“Thirty minutes,” I offer. “We can even do it here.” I point toward the diner. “If I remember correctly you guys make a mean apple pie.”
“Family recipe.” She seems to relax slightly.
“What do you say, little man?” I turn back to the little boy who has yet to let go of my finger. “You want some ice cream?” I ask, laughing when he babbles something incoherent and smiles.
“There, it’s settled.” I smile back at Rae.
“Using my child to get to me, that’s low, even for you,” she teases, something in her expression shifting.
“Now I know your weakness.” I chuckle, reluctantly pulling my hand away from Landen to hold the diner door open for the two of them.
I follow Rae inside and across the diner where she takes a slight detour to grab a high chair before stopping in front of the back-corner booth where Nora and I sat a couple weeks ago. Sliding Landen into the seat, I wait until she has him strapped in and takes her seat in the booth before sliding in across from her.
She fumbles through the large bag sitting next to her in the seat, finally resurfacing with a sippy cup that she immediately slides in front of Landen. She waits until he’s happily drinking before picking up the small desert menu off the table, not once looking in my direction.
“Is your heart set on the apple pie? Because we have a chocolate lava cake that is to die for.” She finally meets my eyes over the top of the menu but only for a moment.
“We can always get both,” I suggest. “You can share with me. You know, in case I don’t like the cake. That way it doesn’t go to waste.”
It’s a lame ass excuse and one I know she immediately sees through, but to my surprise, she doesn’t call me on my bullshit. Is it sad that the idea of simply sharing a dessert from the same plate as her makes me as giddy as a fucking teenage boy?
Fuck, this girl has really thrown me for one hell of a fucking loop.
“Fine, but only if you’ll agree to chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla,” she quips, her smile so goddamn contagious.
“Done.” I chuckle, holding my hand up for a high-five.
“What are we ten?” She giggles, rolling her eyes when I keep my hand in the air. “Oh my god, you’re ridiculous.” She finally caves, leaning forward just enough to smack her hand against mine.
“Your mom is pretty awesome, kiddo,” I say to Landen, not missing the expression that crosses Rae’s face when I glance back in her direction. “Everything okay?” I ask, suddenly worried that I offended her somehow.
“Better than okay.” She flips her gaze to Landen and then back to me.
I can tell there’s more she wants to say but she stops herself, clearly hesitant to open up. My need to know every single thing about this girl drives me to want to pry, to push her to continue, but I know that if I ever want to chip away at the walls she clearly has herself hidden behind, I can’t just hit her all at once. I have to let her open up to me in her own time.
Unfortunately, that’s proving to be a hell of a lot harder than I ever thought possible.