“Hey.” I look up from my place on the couch to see Corey standing on the other side of the screen door. “Can I come in?” He seems hesitant.
Based on our previous interaction I’m a bit hesitant as well, but given everything that’s happened in the past four days I could really use him right now.
“Yeah.” I push up into a sitting position as I watch him step inside and slowly cross the space toward me.
He sits on the other end of the couch, angling his body inward so he’s facing me.
“Amber told me what happened.” He doesn’t meet my gaze right away.
Just having him acknowledge my loss brings it all back to the surface. Tears fill my eyes, and I do my best to blink them away. I don’t want him to see how badly I’m hurting right now.
“Come here to gloat?” I hate how the words come out, but the sting of losing Gabe is still so raw that I’m having trouble being anything but angry with the world right now.
“I wouldn’t do that to you.” His voice remains soft, his gaze finally darting up to meet mine. “I’m just sorry he hurt you…” He takes a long pause before saying more. “Again.”
“Are you?” I question. “Because I would say a part of you is really happy right now. Besides, I left. It’s not like he actually did anything to me. I’m just a fucking coward.”
I don’t miss the way his eyes widen with my choice of words. I don’t typically use such vile language, but right now it almost feels like a release to just not care.
“I would never be happy over you hurting. Ever. No matter what the circumstances.”
“I can’t do this right now, Cor. I really can’t.” I push to a stand, turning toward him. “Your back and forth games are exhausting. Unless you have something else to talk about, you can see yourself out.” I spin, heading into the kitchen to snag a water from the fridge.
When I turn back toward him, he hasn’t moved an inch. He’s still sitting in the same position, his gaze locked firmly on me.
“Is that what you think I’m doing? Playing some sort of game?” He finally speaks.
“You’ve been so up and down ever since Gabe came back into the picture. And then given the things you said to me before I left, yes, that’s exactly what I think you’re doing.” I lean against the counter, keeping a good distance between us. “You couldn’t be my friend when I was happy, but now that I’m miserable, here comes Corey,” I spew dramatically, taking a long pull of water before setting it on the kitchen counter.
“I was fucking jealous, Rae, okay?” The words fly from his mouth as he stands. “I couldn’t fucking stand seeing you with him because I wanted it to be me.” He points to his chest.
“What?” Confusion settles over me like a heavy wet blanket.
“Don’t act like you didn’t know, Rae. We’ve been dancing around this for two years. I thought you needed time to get over Gabe and to establish yourself in this new life. I was willing to give you that time. But then seeing you run back to him.” He shakes his head, hurt evident on his face. “It was like a fucking knife to my chest, Rae.”
“What are you talking about, Corey?”
I’m so caught off guard I’m having trouble processing what he’s saying.
“When have I ever given you the idea that I wanted more than what we had?” I continue. “When?”
“All the time.” He pulls off his ball cap, running a hand through his hair before putting it back into its place.
“Are you kidding me?”
“No, Rae. I’m not.”
“Corey.” I pause, feeling the sensitivity of this situation.
I need to handle him with kid gloves right now or Gabe won’t be the only person I lose this week.
“I don’t know what I’ve done to give you the impression that I wanted more from you, but, Corey—I really don’t.” I ignore the flash of hurt in his eyes and quickly move to continue. “I love you.” I take a few steps toward him, stopping on the other side of the coffee table from where he’s standing. “But I don’t love you like that.”
“Are you sure? Or is it just that you love him more?” His voice shakes over his words causing my heart to constrict.
I hate hurting people, especially people who mean as much to me as Corey does. My heart is breaking in so many pieces between Gabe and Corey, I doubt I’ll have anything left to give once it’s all said and done.
“I don’t love you the same as I love Gabe. You’re my friend, my family, nothing more.” He draws back like my words physically hit him.
“So you’re telling me that all the times we snuggled on your couch, went to dinner, held hands like we were a real couple—none of that meant anything to you? I’ve held you as you cried, wiped your tears away, celebrated with you, grieved with you, given you everything I have just hoping one day it would be enough to heal the broken heart he had left you with.”
He takes long, hard breaths, his eyes locked on my face as he takes in the tears that are now trickling down my face.
“Please don’t do this, Corey,” I plead.
“I’m sorry, Rae, I have to.” He steps around the table, his hands closing down over my shoulders. “I can’t continue to pretend like my feelings don’t exist.”
“It won’t change anything,” I reassure him.
“I love you, Rae. I’m in love with you. I think I have been since the third grade when you gave me half your sandwich that day when I forgot my lunch. You have been my rock, my friend, my constant in a world that most times doesn’t make sense. I love you.” He lowers his face just inches from mine.
“I’m sorry, Corey.” I find his gaze. “I don’t feel the same.”
I push his hands away and take a full step back, still not fully convinced that this is actually happening right now. It can’t be.
This is Corey. My best friend. The boy who used to chase me around the playground threatening to give me cooties. The same boy that gave me my first shot of alcohol just ten years later. The man who waited in the waiting room at the hospital for nearly twenty hours while I was in labor and was one of the first people to hold Landen, dubbing himself uncle Corey.
This can’t be that man. The man who held me through heartbreak and laughed with me through triumphs can’t be the same man staring at me now like I’ve just shattered his heart into trillion pieces.
“You know.” When he finally speaks, his face is turned downward. “I think a part of me always knew that he would be the one to end up with your heart,” he says, slowing looking up to meet my gaze.
“Cor.”
“It’s okay, Rae.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I get it.” He shrugs, giving me a sad smile. “How could I ever compete with someone like him?”
“You don’t have to compete with anyone, Corey. There’s a piece of my heart that will always belong to you. You were my best friend.”
“What do you mean were?”
“I just thought—I don’t know—
after all this, how can we just go back? Do you even want to?”
“Are you kidding me, Rae? I’d rather have you as a friend than not have you at all.” He steps back in front of me and takes both of my hands in his. “I know this is a lot to take in, and I’m sorry to bombard you with all of this. It isn’t what I came here for. But when I saw how miserable you are, I just couldn’t stand it. If me coming clean with you had any chance of taking some of that pain away, it was worth the risk. It was worth the way I feel right now. I needed to know if I had a shot.” He gives me another sad smile. “It’s okay that I don’t. At least now I know where we stand, and I don’t have to wonder any longer.”
“You mean so much to me. You have to know that,” I reassure him.
“I know I do.” He rubs his thumbs across the back of my hands, his way of trying to soothe me.
“I feel like I’ve lost so much. I can’t lose you, too, Cor.”
“You won’t lose me.” He drops my hands and pulls me against his chest. “You won’t ever lose me,” he speaks into my hair. “You’re my family, too. You and Landen.”
“You’ll always have us.” I pull back, quickly wiping at my damp cheeks.
“Where is the little guy anyway?” He looks around the space, clearly just now realizing that Landen isn’t here.
“Wasn’t he in the pool with Dad when you came through the yard?” I ask, referring to the swimming pool that sits just a few yards from my little house.
“I didn’t see anyone.”
“He must have taken him inside for lunch. Dad has pretty much kidnapped him since we’ve been home. I think he missed him,” I say knowingly.
“We all did. We all missed both of you.”
“I missed everyone, too,” I admit, leaving off the part about how I didn’t miss any of them as much as I miss Gabe right now.
“Hey, why don’t we go do something?” he suggests, his normal carefree demeanor slipping easily back into place like nothing even happened. “We could call Amber and see if she wants to go see that new Rom-Com out. You know she can’t resist those damn movies.” He chuckles.
“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’m just gonna hang here.”
“Rae, you can’t hide from the world.” He narrows his gaze at me.
“I’m not.” I move around him back toward the couch, quickly reclaiming my seat. “I’m just not ready.” I bite back the flow of emotion that instantly clogs my throat.
I swear I’m more of a mess this time than I was the first time around with Gabe. I know it’s because I got a glimpse of what our life together could be like with Landen, only to have that dream dissolve right in front of my eyes.
He called every hour on the hour the first couple of days I was gone, but then out of nowhere the calls just stopped. It’s been radio silence ever since. Not that I would have answered anyway, but in some sick way it felt good just knowing he cared enough to reach out.
“Do you want me to hang out? Keep you company?” Corey breaks into my thoughts, and I look up to see him watching me curiously.
“No thanks.” I let out a slow breath trying to keep myself together. “I think I just need to be alone if that’s okay.”
“If you’re sure.”
“I am.” I force a smile, but I can tell he sees right through it.
“Call me if you need anything?” He crosses to where I’m sitting.
“I will,” I promise, closing my eyes when he leans down and drops a kiss on the top of my head.
Without another word he heads toward the door, hesitating for a long moment before turning his head back toward me.
“Are we okay?” he asks, clearly still worried about my reaction to his admission today.
“We’re okay,” I reassure him, forcing another smile.
He returns my smile with one of his own before rushing back toward me. Within seconds he has me bundled in his arms, rocking me gently as the emotion I’ve been forcing down finally breaks loose. Quickly, I’m sobbing into his chest, fearful that the pain coursing through me is never going to stop.
How can someone be in my life for such a short period of time and impact it in the magnitude that Gabe has disrupted mine?
You did this. You’re the one who left at the first sign of trouble. The little voice in my head taunts me.
Will I ever be able to push the vision of him from my mind? The way he looked as he hovered over me, whispering how beautiful I am. The way he kissed me. The way he held me. The way he looked at our son, the immense love in his eyes.
Just the thought causes me to cry harder, the sobs racking through me so intensely that my body physically hurts. For the first time in a very long time, I’m finding it hard to find the light in the pool of darkness I can’t stop myself from drowning in.
Corey doesn’t say a word. He just lets me cry—somehow knowing it’s exactly what I need.