The last few days have been a whirlwind. So much has changed so quickly that sometimes I feel like I’m suffering from a serious case of whiplash.
I fiddle nervously with Laurie’s strings, bringing her in tune as we prepare to lay down the last remaining track for the new album. This is it. This is our last day in the studio. Our last few days in Georgia.
Honestly, I’m not sure I have fully processed that in six days I will be boarding a plane and flying to the other side of the country, reclaiming a life that no longer feels like it belongs to me.
I want Rae and Landen to go with me. The thought of leaving them eats me fucking raw. But I haven’t had the nerve to ask her yet. I think I’m afraid she’ll say no and then where the fuck will that leave me?
“You ready?” Killian steps into the booth and gives me an excited ass smile.
“As I’ll ever be.” I shrug.
“What’s up with you? Everything okay?” Killian takes a seat on the stool that’s sitting in front of the mic before swiveling to face me.
“Just got a lot on my mind,” I admit truthfully, throwing a nod toward Aiden and Chet as they enter the booth.
“Anything you need to talk about?” he questions.
“Nah.” I decide now is probably not the time to bring up the huge ass secret I’ve been keeping from all of them.
“So you’re not gonna tell us what’s up with you and Rae?” He pushes, clearly sensing that whatever I’m not saying has to do with her.
I have yet to talk to any of them about her in any real capacity. I mean, they know the basics and they know she has a son, though I haven’t given them any reason to believe that Landen is mine. I’m not sure why I’ve waited. I can’t remember a time when I’ve kept something so big from the guys, from my brothers.
Then again, I just broke the news to my mom and sister yesterday so I guess I’m behind all around. And that was the easy part honestly. I knew my mom would be thrilled—surprised, but thrilled nonetheless. I doubt the guys will be as excited.
“What do you mean?” I shake off the thought and turn my attention back to Kill.
“Seems like you two are getting pretty serious,” he observes. “You spend every free moment with her. We hardly see you outside of the studio. I’m not complaining,” he adds when I open my mouth to object. “I think everyone would agree that girl looks good on you. You’ve been present, happy, and sober; I kinda feel like you’re a new man.”
“So do I.” I chuckle, biting down on my lip ring to stop myself from saying more.
“Have you guys discussed what’s going to happen when we head back to L.A.? You guys gonna do the long-distance thing?” Chet chimes in, taking his place behind the drum set.
“I’m going to ask her to come with me.” The statement is out before I can take it back, and I know that I need to come clean. I need to tell them the truth.
“That’s a big step,” Killian speaks what I’m sure everyone is thinking. “And what about her child? Do you think she will be willing to move him away from her family?”
“My child,” I mutter so quietly that I assume none of them hear me.
“What did you say?” I feel Aiden’s eyes burning into the side of my face.
Correction, maybe he heard me. Considering his standing the closest to me, it’s very possible that he did.
Clearing my throat, I suck in a deep breath and repeat myself, this time a little louder.
“My child.”
I keep my gaze cast downward, unable to meet the wide eyes that I’m sure are all turned my way.
“Wait.” Chet seems to be the first to grasp what I’m saying. “Are you saying her son is yours? Like biologically yours or yours because you’re in love with his mom?” he asks for clarification.
I finally look up, finding Killian’s gaze first. His face is clouded in confusion as he studies me. Without a word, I turn my attention to Chet, directing my answer to him.
“Biologically.”
“Shut the fuck up?” I spin my gaze to Killian who looks even more confused now than he did just moments earlier.
“It’s true,” I move to explain. “Before we left for a tour a couple years ago, Rae and I had hooked up a few times.”
“I recall.” Killian seems to be slowly processing the information.
“Well, apparently, she got pregnant.”
“Then why the fuck are you just now telling us?” Chet booms, anger in his voice.
“I just found out a couple weeks ago.”
“Wait.” Chet stands up, not moving from behind the drums as he clenches his drumsticks in one hand. “You mean to tell me that she got pregnant with your child almost two years ago, and she just told you. What the fuck is wrong with her?”
“Watch it,” I warn, giving him a solid glare. “It’s not like that,” I continue. “She tried to contact me, but the label had issued us new phones so the number she had was disconnected. She left several messages with the label, but either they chose not to relay them to me or they told someone else who never passed the messages along to me. Either way, she tried for months and then finally gave up, assuming that I was choosing not to return her calls.”
“So wait,” Killian interjects, seeming to just now catch up. “You’re someone’s dad?” His accent muffles the word dad like he’s having trouble saying it out loud.
“I am.” I nod, a smile spreading across my face as I think about my son.
“Please tell me you had a paternity test done,” Chet interjects.
“I didn’t,” I admit. “And I don’t need to. He’s mine. I know it.”
“Do you fucking hear yourself?” He doesn’t let it go. “You just know? I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t think you were that stupid,” he spits.
“Fuck you, Chet.” My temper teeters. “You don’t know Rae the way I do. She wouldn’t fuck with me like that.”
“Oh, you mean the girl you’ve known all of five minutes. Yeah, no way she would see a rich musician she used to hook up with and think Jackpot. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“You haven’t seen the child who is a spitting image of me. I don’t need a test to tell me what I already know. You’re my brother, Chet, and I love you, but if you continue to talk about my girl that way, I will fucking lay you out.”
“Let’s not do this here, guys.” Aiden finally breaks his silence. “And I think Gabe is right.”
“How the fuck would you know?” Chet turns wide eyes to the man on my right.
“Because I’ve been hanging out with Rae’s friend Amber, and she has pictures of the little boy at her house. I suspected he was Gabe’s the first time I saw him. Trust me, he’s a spitting fucking image.”
“You know Sean is gonna want you to do a paternity test,” Killian injects, referring to our manager.
“I know. And I will if that’s what it takes, but I wouldn’t have told you guys if I wasn’t a hundred percent on this.”
“Well, in that case, I’m happy for you.” Killian stands, taking the two steps it takes to reach me before dropping his hand onto my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “I can’t believe you’re a fucking father.” He slowly shakes his head, clearly still in disbelief.
“You guys ready?” Pete’s voice sounds through the intercom catching all of us a bit off guard.
“Actually, Pete, can you give us a few?” Killian meets his gaze through the glass window that separates us from the control room.
“No problem. I could use some coffee anyway,” he says, his voice followed by the click of the speaker as he releases the button that controls the mic.
The second he’s gone all three sets of eyes turn back toward me.
Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be. Here I thought they’d be thrilled. I’ve been clean for two months and only sleeping with one girl—the mother of my child, and yet Chet is looking at me like he did all those weeks ago when they threatened to kick me out of the band.
“What’s your next move?” Killian pulls my attention back to where he’s standing directly next to me.
“I’m going to ask Rae to come with me to L.A., and then I’m going to put a ring on her finger and give her and my son my name,” I say matter of fact.
“Wow.” Kill seems taken aback.
“I know it seems fast, but when you know you know, right?” I let out a nervous laugh.
“I knew almost immediately with Nora,” Killian admits. “She made me feel a way no one had ever made me feel. I knew she was it. I just had to make sure she knew it, too.” He smiles, clearly losing himself to a memory.
“I think it’s amazing,” Aiden chimes in, stepping up to my other side. “I’m really happy for you, man.”
“Thank you.”
“Fine. Fuck.” Chet rounds the drum set to stand in the semi-circle that has formed around me. “I guess I’m happy for your stupid ass, too.” He gives me a half smile.
“Thanks, guys. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I just needed some time to get used to the idea before I started telling people.”
“I get it.” Killian nods slowly. “Nora’s pregnant,” he blurts, his eyes bouncing between the three of us as shock registers once again through the group.
“What?” I practically yell, pure excitement lacing my voice. “Are you fucking serious?”
“We found out last week. Nora wants to see a doctor before we officially announce it, but fuck it, you assholes are my family.”
“Fuck. This is the best fucking news.” I clasp his shoulder, my smile splitting my fucking face.
Killian is my brother. Nora is my person. I couldn’t be fucking happier for the two people who mean so fucking much to me. And selfishly I see this as an opportunity to sway Rae to come with me. How can she resist when I tell her that I want Landen to grow up with his baby cousin? Blood or not, we are all family.
“You guys are really fucking with me today.” Chet’s laughter rumbles in his chest. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s happy or if it’s because he’s so shocked by everything that’s come out today that he can’t do anything but laugh about it. “You guys know Kate is going to be on the biggest fucking baby kick now, right?”
“Sorry, man.” I throw a nod in his direction, a smile on my lips.
We spend the next few minutes talking things through, discussing how fucking crazy all this is and how quickly everything is suddenly changing. Killian’s bombshell has somewhat taken the attention off me, and by the time Pete returns the previous tension is completely gone.
That’s why I love these fuckers so much. We don’t always have to agree with each other’s choices or understand where the other is coming from, but at the end of the day we’ve got each other’s backs, and we will support each other one hundred percent.
It takes less than an hour to pound out the final track for our album, and by the time we’re finished, it seems a bit fucking surreal. It seems like yesterday we were all just a bunch of kids doing whatever we could to get by. Living to fucking play.
Now, we just rapped on our second album, and we are knee deep in planning our second major tour. What a fucking crazy ass ride this all has been.
I pull out my phone as I exit the studio, eager to fill Rae in on everything that transpired this afternoon. To my disappointment, it goes straight to voicemail, but that doesn’t derail me. After the day I’ve had, there’s only one person I want to share it with, and come hell or high water, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
It only takes me ten minutes to reach the diner. Typically if she doesn’t answer her phone she’s working so I’m hoping she’s here.
Pushing my way inside, the second the door chime sounds, and I lock eyes with Rae, who I immediately spot behind the counter. She gives me a smile that damn near drops me to my knees, and it takes everything in me to keep my cool as I cross the diner toward her.
“Hey.” She turns to face me head on, for the first time drawing my attention to the large man standing next to her.
“Mr. Abbott.” I extend my hand to her father, honestly a bit shocked when he reaches over the counter and gives me a stiff shake.
“Gabe.” He nods, clearly cutting me some slack for his daughter’s sake.
If I were him I would want to kill me. Hell, I kind of want to kill me. I hate myself for the way I left Rae all those months ago. I hate that I wasn’t here when Landen was born and that I missed the first year and a half of his life.
Obviously, I didn’t know he existed, but that’s no excuse. Had I not abandoned Rae the way I did, discarding her like she was just another notch, I would have known. I would have been here. But I’m here now, and I plan to spend every fucking minute making up for what I’ve missed.
“Can I talk to you for a sec?” I ask Rae, turning my attention back to her.
“Of course.” She gives her dad a grin and pats his forearm as she passes him, quickly joining me on the other side of the counter.
It takes everything in me not to pull her into my arms and take her mouth right here on the spot, but given our surroundings and our current audience, I refrain. Dropping my hand to the small of her back, I lead her out onto the sidewalk, at which point I immediately pull her in for a soft kiss.
“Hey.” She smiles against my lips before pulling back.
“Come with me,” I blurt, taking both of her hands in mine.
She doesn’t hide her confusion as she stares back at me, clearly not following.
“Come with you where?” she finally asks.
“L.A. Come with me to L.A.” I drop her hands and immediately cup both sides of her face, pulling her closer. “I want you with me every day. I want Landen with me every day. Come with me?” I plead, my gaze holding hers.
She hesitates, a heavy silence settling over us as she tries to process what it is that I’m asking.
“Come with me.” I drop my forehead to hers, not too proud to beg at this point.
“I don’t…” she stutters, pulling away enough that I have no choice but to let my hands drop. “I don’t think I can.” Even as she says the words, I can see the uncertainty in her eyes.
“Yes, you can,” I reassure her, once again taking her hands in mine. “I can make you happy. I can make you both happy.”
“I know you can,” she practically whispers. “But I don’t think you’ve totally thought this through. You see me. You see Landen. But you don’t know what this kind of life actually entails.”
“Then show me. Teach me. I’ll do anything—sacrifice anything—to have the two of you with me.”
“You say that now. What happens when you realize what having a child actually means? When what having a family means. I don’t want to move too quickly, to push you into something you’re not ready for and then you end up just resenting me in the long run.”
“I could never resent you, Rae. Ever. You forget, I’ve lived a life without you. I’ve lived on the road. I’ve drowned myself in alcohol and drugs. I’ve buried myself inside of more women than I care to admit.” She winces at my words. “I’ve lived the rock star life.”
“You don’t need to remind me.” Her voice puts her pain on full display.
“You don’t understand. I’m just trying to tell you that I’ve been there. I’ve done all that. I choose you. I want you.”
“I don’t think you know what you’re asking for. You’re asking me to take Landen away from the only home he’s ever known, from the only home I’ve ever known…”
“I know it’s a lot. And I’m not saying it will be forever. We can come back here if you want. I just need time to figure it all out, and I don’t want to be away from you and Landen while I do.”
“You’d do that? Move back here?” The shock that registers in her voice stings a bit. I have to remind myself that I haven’t done much to prove myself to this girl.
“For you. For our son. I’d do anything. I’d fucking move mountains to make you both happy.”
“Okay.”
I blanch, for a second unsure if I heard her right. A small smile graces her lips as she takes in my reaction.
“Yeah?” I question, finally letting it sink in. “You’ll come with me?”
“We’ll come with you.”
The second the words leave her lips I’m kissing her, soft and sure. I want her to know how happy she’s just made me. How complete. How utterly fucking over the moon I feel right now.
You don’t always know what you need until you find it. Until I returned to Georgia I had no idea the hole I had in my life. I didn’t know that I craved the love I feel in this very moment. I didn’t know that it’s what I was searching for in every woman I shared a bed with.
Rae smiles against my mouth, pulling back slightly to try and catch her breath. Dropping my forehead back to hers, I let out an elated sigh.
This is what I needed, what I wanted. This is what my life has been missing for a very, very long time. I only wish I would have known it earlier so I could have saved both of us a lot of heartache; a mistake I’ll never make again.