I’ve been in Los Angeles for almost two weeks, and I still haven’t gotten over the extreme culture shock I feel. Gabe has done everything in his power to make me feel at home, even going as far as to have a nursery set up for Landen in one of the spare bedrooms before we even arrived. And while I love him for everything he’s done, I still feel completely out of place.
I know part of it is because of my surroundings and how different everything is here versus Georgia. But it’s more because of how lonely I feel here. Gabe has been so busy since we arrived that I’ve barely seen him. Corey still isn’t speaking to me, having yet to return even one of my calls or texts, and Amber has been super busy recently, and we haven’t had a chance to really talk much.
Day in and day out, I’m trapped inside this apartment, staring out at the amazing view wishing I was more excited to be here. I just haven’t been able to shake the homesickness that has plagued me since the day I arrived.
When Gabe’s here it’s better. We talk and laugh, and things feel less heavy when he’s around. The problem is he rarely is. He leaves early, sometimes before I’m even up, and doesn’t come home until after the sun has gone down.
He texts and calls constantly, but it’s just not the same. I’m not sure how to explain that to him without sounding like a whiny nuisance.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being here with him. I love how happy he is and that I’m a part of that. I know how much his music means to him, and I would never want to get in the way of that, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
I love him, and the thought of leaving leaves a sickening knot in the pit of my stomach. Then another day passes and I’m sitting here alone yet again, and I just don’t know.
My phone buzzes to life on the coffee table in front of me pulling me from my thoughts. Swiping it off the table, I quickly answer it, not wanting the loud tone to wake Landen who is napping in his playpen in the corner of the room.
“Hello,” I say on a loud whisper.
“Rae?” The sound of Amber’s voice instantly makes me feel better.
“Hey,” I speak in a normal tone but keep my voice low.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Landen’s sleeping, and I don’t want to wake him. Hang on, I’m going to step out onto the balcony.”
“Okay,” She agrees, waiting silently on the other end until I finally speak again.
“Alright, I’m good.” I slide into one of the four chairs that surround a circular table in the middle of the balcony and look out over the stunning view. “What’s up?”
“I’m just calling to see how everything is going. Sorry, I haven’t been in touch much. I’ve been super busy at work.”
“I completely understand.”
“And planning my trip,” she adds.
“You’re going on a trip?”
“What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t come crash your party for a while?” She chuckles.
“Wait? You’re coming to L.A.?” I almost scream.
“I am!” She practically sings.
“What? When? Why?” I ramble off questions.
“Do you not want me to come?” she teases.
“No, of course, I do. I’m just surprised is all.”
“Well, Aiden invited me out for a long weekend, and I thought I would spend half with him and the other half with my bestie.”
“Aiden invited you?” I know she can hear the smile in my voice.
“It’s not a big deal. We’re just friends.”
“Uh huh.” I laugh. “Sure you are.”
“We are,” she insists.
“If you say so.”
“Oh, shut it.” She giggles. “In all seriousness, though, I miss the hell out of you guys. I’m going through serious Landen withdraws.”
“We miss you, too. More than you could possibly imagine.”
“You sure everything is okay?” she asks again, clearly sensing something off in my voice.
If there is one person who can read me it’s Amber. She knows my ticks.
“I just… I don’t know, I just thought it would be different, ya know? That we would get here and finally be a family, all three of us together.”
“And you don’t feel that way?” she questions.
“When he’s here, yes. But that’s the problem. I came all the way to L.A. to see him an hour a day if I’m lucky. He’s so busy with radio interviews, talk show performances, and promoting the new album, he’s never here. And honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my life. I feel a little lost without my dad and sister, without you and…” I let the sentence hang without saying his name.
“He’ll come around.” Amber immediately knows where my mind has gone.
“I don’t know, girl. You didn’t see the way he looked at me. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me with quite so much disdain.”
“Corey is just being a dramatic bitch. He’s worried he’s losing you, and you know how he is when he feels threatened.”
“He backs away,” I interject before she can finish.
“Exactly. It’s why he’s yet to have a successful relationship. He pushes people away at the first sign of trouble.”
“Yeah, but this is me,” I interrupt. “I’m not some random girl he’s hooking up with.”
“Right. It’s you. And he feels like he’s losing you which is a lot harder for him to swallow than it would be if you were just some random hook up. Corey loves you, girl, and while he’s completely out of line with the way he treated you, his heart is in the right place.”
“Have you spoken to him?” I ask.
“Briefly. You’re not the only one he’s being an asshole to.”
“You too?”
“I think it’s more because of you than me, but like I said, he’ll get over it. You know how stubborn Corey can be sometimes.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” she reassures me. “Besides, you have me coming to L.A. to look forward to now. Screw his pouty ass.”
“When are planning on coming?”
“I’m hoping to make it there not this weekend but next. You need to get your ass out of that apartment and go find some awesome stuff for us to do while I’m there.”
“Yes, princess.” I laugh, suddenly feeling much better about my current situation knowing I get to see my best friend in less than a week and a half.
“And don’t you forget it,” she quips. “Okay, I gotta get back to work. Call me if you need anything, and I will update you on next weekend once I have everything nailed down and confirmed.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
“Love you, Rae.”
“Love you.” I no more than get the words out before the line goes dead.
The temporary relief I felt talking to Amber quickly evaporates when I re-enter the quiet apartment, the silence near deafening.
Crossing the open space toward the kitchen, I fling open the fridge and browse the contents, not really hungry but just looking for something to do. Bored eating is the worst because then you feel like crap afterward.
Finding my willpower, I close the door without removing anything, jumping slightly when someone raps loudly against the front door. Not sure who it could be, I quickly cross the room wanting to get to it before the knocking wakes my sleeping son.
Unlocking the deadbolt, I quickly pull the door open finding myself standing face to face with a tall, slender woman sporting an obvious baby bump. I would guess her around my age though she looks more weathered somehow. Her blue eyes are lined with thick black liner and her red lipstick instantly draws my line of sight to her perfectly full lips.
Finding her gaze again, she narrows her eyes at me, flipping a large chunk of blonde hair over her shoulder.
“Um, who are you?” Her voice is high pitched and catty.
“I’m Raelyn. Can I help you with something?” I watch her eyes graze the apartment behind me, clearly looking for something.
“Where’s Gabe?” she sneers, meeting my gaze again.
“He’s at a radio interview right now. Is there something I can do for you?” I try to stay polite, not sure if she’s someone from the label or maybe from a magazine or something. She definitely looks the type.
Then again, if she works with him, shouldn’t she know where he is? I try to push down the little voice in my head telling me that I know exactly who this woman is and why she’s here.
“I doubt it.” She rolls her eyes, digging into her oversized tan purse that probably cost more than my entire wardrobe.
She pulls out a rectangular manila envelope, looking down at it for several moments before looking back up at me.
“I wanted to be the one to give him this but seeing how he’s nearly impossible to reach right now, I guess I can give it to the help.” She reluctantly holds the envelope out to me.
What is with this woman?
I ignore the pang of insult I feel over her assumption and wait until I have it firmly in my hand before speaking up.
“I’m not the help.” I can’t help the satisfaction that washes over me as she processes my statement. “But I’ll be sure my boyfriend receives this.” I quickly close the door, sliding the lock back in place.
The smile on my face from putting that stupid bimbo in her place quickly fades as I stare down at the envelope now clasped in my hand.
“Don’t look inside,” I speak aloud to myself. “None of your business, Rae.” I toss the envelope onto the large island that acts as the separating wall between the kitchen and living space.
Checking on Landen, I try to shake the sudden uneasy feeling that is working its way through me, as I look down to see him still fast asleep.
Poor guy. He’s having a bit of an adjustment, too and hasn’t been sleeping all that well. Even though he’s been sleeping for the last couple hours and we are nearing late afternoon, I decide not to wake him. I would rather stay up later with him this evening if it means he gets the sleep he needs now.
I wish I could say I forgot about the envelope the moment I tossed it onto the island, but that’s simply not the truth. No matter how hard I try to distract myself, my mind keeps going back to the mystery woman and the contents of the envelope she left for Gabe.
Deciding to just take a quick peek so I can stop obsessing, I unclasp the small metal clip and peer inside, not exactly sure what I’m looking at until I reach in and pull out a folded piece of paper.
Setting the envelope down, with shaky fingers I unfold the paper, my eyes scanning a short hand written note. It isn’t until I reach the bottom that everything seems to shift.
Gabe,
I’ve tried reaching out a few times but haven’t been able to get a hold of you. I’m sure you’re just super busy which is why I decided to just leave this at your apartment.
I wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant, and you are the father. I’ve included an ultrasound picture for you. We’re having a girl. I just found out last week.
Call me, and we can discuss this further. I assume you still have my number.
All my love,
Andrea
With shaky hands, I reach into the envelope, pulling out a small ultrasound picture that I had missed the first time around. My eyes blur as I stare at the small fetus that I would guess is twenty weeks or so.
Dropping the picture and note, I back away from the counter like there’s a snake threatening to attack. Not paying attention to where I’m going, I back into a small table next to the couch, nearly knocking the lamp on top of it to the floor.
I feel around for the couch and slowly lower myself onto it the moment I find it. A fog has settled over me as my mind tries to wrap around what I refuse to let it accept.
She’s pregnant?
With Gabe’s daughter?
I don’t know why I’m surprised, I know what kind of life he lived on tour. I think I blocked out all the bad because I only wanted to see the good and now it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.
It was before you. I try to talk myself down. This doesn’t change anything.
Only it does. It changes everything.
She is pregnant with Gabe’s child. He will finally get a chance to do it all over and this time he can be there from the very beginning. I can see it now—my future flashing in front of my eyes in slow motion.
Gabe going to doctor appointments with the stunning blonde. Listening to his daughter’s heartbeat. Realizing that he’s in love with her and they just fit, whereas we never really made all that much sense—he’s a rock god and I’m just… well, me.
I can see myself heartbroken and alone. I can see my son full of hurt and hate over how his father chose a different family.
It’s unfounded and completely out of left field, but it’s like suddenly I know exactly how it will all play out. While my rational mind is telling me to slow down and think about this, the other part is demanding I get as far away from this situation as possible.
Before I can even process what I’m doing, I’m gathering what little belongings I brought with me and shoving them into my travel bag, running around the apartment like a mental patient, talking to myself as I scramble around the space.
Landen wakes up halfway through my breakdown, staring at me from his playpen like he knows something is wrong.
Less than thirty minutes later I have my flight booked, my son in my arms, a bag stuffed to the brink thrown over my shoulder, and I’m all but sprinting out of the apartment.
Somehow I just know that if Gabe has a chance, he will talk me out of it, and right now I just want to go home. I knew I shouldn’t have come here. It was only a matter of time before this all caught up with me.
What did I expect? To live happily ever after with Gabe? It’s about time I snap out of this fairytale existence and open my eyes to what I’m really getting myself into.
Do I love Gabe? More than I ever thought possible. But that doesn’t change the reality of our situation. He’s not the man I want him to be. We’ve spent the last few weeks pretending like we are two people that we simply are not.
He’s not the one-woman family man, and I’m not someone who does well competing with other women—especially tall, lengthy blondes who make the models gracing every magazine cover in the country look unappealing.
It’s better this way. I would only weigh him down in the long run. I mean, look at us already. It’s only been two weeks and other than the short periods of time that I’ve been able to lose myself in Gabe, I’ve been miserable.
I don’t fit into his life. I think deep down I’ve always known I wouldn’t.
I’m not running away because of what I learned today. I’m choosing to leave based on what it made me realize.