Grace age 22
Noah age 23
Grace is graduating this week. I won’t go see her, even though I want to. I’m almost ready to go get her. Just a few more things and I’ll be completely prepared. She’s not faded from my thoughts at all, and I’m willing to throw my heart and soul out there once again in hopes that it reaches her this time. I’m coming… soon, whether she likes it or not.
I’ve let her run, now it’s time to catch her. Days aren’t guaranteed, we should both know that given everything with her mom and mine, I don’t want to waste another year letting her hideaway in guilt.
I want her in my arms.
N.P.
“Here you go, Ms. Harper,” Jimmy said, handing me a piece of paper. I looked down and saw that he was giving me a goodbye note. Within the next few classes, I would receive even more papers or hugs from the students I had been with the past semester. Today was the last day of the school year.
A girl named Sarah almost tackled me with a hug last period. “Are you going to be back next year?” she asked me.
I smiled. “I don’t know,” I told her honestly.
“You’re really cool,” she told me and I beamed from the compliments all these fourth and fifth graders were giving me.
After the last class ended, Mr. Collins walked up to me with a smile. “So, you’re not going to take the job they’ve offered you?” He went straight for the kill.
I picked up my purse from the desk. “I don’t know…”
“Sounds like you do know,” he said with a grin. He offered his hand out to me and I took it. “It was a pleasure having you with us this semester if I don’t see you back in the fall.”
“I’m glad I was able to student-teach under you,” I replied. “You made it easy for me.”
He chuckled and walked out of the school building with me. “You’re a natural,” he told me. “You said your mom was a teacher, didn’t you?”
I nodded. “She was.”
There was a thumping sound coming from someone’s speakers as we stepped into the heat, and my eyes scanned the parking lot and hardened on my Escape. I waited until Mr. Collins said goodbye and left before I headed down the steps to my vehicle that wasn’t going to have any speakers left in it if Dustin didn’t stop headbanging in the driver’s seat. He saw me coming and grinned as he turned it down.
“Well, hello, Ms. Harper,” he chirped as I climbed in the passenger. “Any love notes on the last day?” he asked.
“Could you be any more embarrassing?” I huffed as I buckled up. “Even though this was my last day student-teaching, I still don’t want to leave a bad impression.” He laughed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Do you work today too?” He nodded. We both worked at Applebee’s together. “Rachel drive your truck to work today?” Another nod from him.
Rachel was Dustin’s girlfriend and our third roommate but I guess she wasn’t really a roommate since she slept in the same room as Dustin. Yes, Dustin moved in with me a few days after showing up at my door. Turned out, he was going to this college as well and only found out that I was here too by Tiffany. We built an unlikely friendship over the last few years. It was just me and him until last year when he met Rachel. I’d never seen him so smitten and it made me happy to see the growth in his character since him and I dated.
After work, I let Dustin drive us home because my feet were killing me from waiting tables but the hundred and fifty dollars in tips had been worth it. I normally didn’t get this much unless it was the weekend. “How much did you make?” I asked him.
“Eighty-seven,” he told me.
“One-fifty for me,” I bragged, sticking my tongue out.
“Must be nice to have tits,” he muttered and I laughed. “Grace.” I looked over at him when he spoke. “Are you going back home now?” My stomach knotted at his words.
“Why are you asking?” I tucked my hair behind my ear.
“When is the last time you’ve talked to your dad? How about Noah?” I looked ahead to ignore him. “And no, stalking his Facebook is not talking to him.” I felt the red splash my cheeks. “You’re finished with college now, it’s over for you. What are you going to do now? You look happy again, why aren’t you going back?” He kept bombarding me with questions I didn’t know how to answer.
“What about you? When are you going back?” I dodged the questions.
He shook his head as he stared at the road. “I’m different… But if you want to know, I’m thinking about asking Rachel if she’d come back home with me after she finishes up school.”
Wow, that was huge. “She’d faint if she heard you talking about your future with her in it.”
He smiled like a person in love. “Yeah, I know.”
“You’re stupidly good at making her think that you don’t care as much as you do… When in fact you’re totally in love with her.”
He looked over at me with a cheesy grin. “I’ll let her know one day, that she’s got me wrapped around her finger, unlike Noah who spilled his heart out only to have you run from him.”
I stopped smiling. “Stop. You know how I feel and why I made the choice to break up with him.”
He nodded. “That burden you feel, I can imagine it’s heavy but from an outsider’s point of view, it’s total bullshit. Your mom wouldn’t want you unhappy. She loved you and it wasn’t just you I saw her look after in school. She looked after him too.”
I knew he was right about Mom wanting me to be happy, and I also knew she cared for Noah… at this point, the guilt I felt didn’t really feel like guilt, it just left me with this confused, dull feeling inside me. I thought about what it might be like to go back home and see Noah, but that meant facing Dad again and also dealing with the possibility that Noah and I might really be over.
I didn’t miss him as much as I used to. Even my obsession with checking on him through Facebook felt like a habit. He never posted anything about his life so I didn’t know if he was seeing anyone. I did know that he created a Facebook page for all his wood carvings, only these days he kept to the big stuff that he made from logs. I left all mine at Dad’s when I left.
“If Noah feels the way I do lately, then maybe we’ve truly grown apart and we can move on from each other,” I mumbled softly.
He burst out laughing and I glared at him. “You’re not serious, are you? Then why haven’t you dated?”
“I did go out with that Matt guy,” I told him.
“Once,” he pointed out. “You look like you were going to throw a punch when he tried to come inside after the date.”
“Because he kissed like a blowfish,” I muttered, getting all riled up that he was bringing up my lack of dating.
“Just face it, your body won’t betray your feelings for Noah even though you’ve convinced yourself your feelings for him have dulled, they haven’t. You just haven’t been around him to get the full Noah-effect he has on you.” I rolled my eyes at that one. “Don’t even pretend, I’ve seen you two from the sidelines our entire lives so I know.”
I grabbed an empty pop bottle on the floor and threw it at him. “Be quiet, stop pretending like you know stuff, you’re Dustin.”
“All right, whatever you say.”
These feelings I had for Noah were long gone, even when I sat on my bed with Gus on my lap and scrolled through Janet’s new posts. I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to be with him, I did it because it felt like I was checking up on an old friend. I jumped up when I saw that she had posted new pictures a few hours ago. They were group pictures, maybe from a cookout. I scanned the faces for Noah and fell back when none were of him. Gus yelped, I almost killed him by squashing him. I gave him a bunch of hugs and kisses while he wagged his tail and looked at me like he was trying to figure out why he deserved to get laid on.
And it definitely wasn’t Noah’s face and body I conjured up inside my head as I slipped my hand inside my shorts to find relief the nights I needed it to fall asleep.
It wasn’t.
______
The next few days were dull and meaningless. I went to work at Applebee’s and then I’d come back to the apartment where the only one who greeted me was Gus, and it was Rachel’s cries of pleasure with Dustin in the next room that kept me up at night.
I didn’t go home at all. I stayed here even in the summer months. Every summer before now, it never felt like this because I knew I’d have college that would start back up in the fall and I’d have a reason to still be here… Now everything was over and I was scared.
It was a lot easier staying away then it was going back to see the father that rarely called. I’d call him sometimes too but we were the two most awkward people on the phone with each other. It was like we lost how to be ourselves when Mom died. Then I felt even worse because I haven’t gone to see Mom’s grave once since I left town.
I also received a message from Janet, asking if I was finished with all my classes, which wasn’t unusual, she still checked in on me occasionally and even called despite the fact that I wasn’t with Noah. I had been finished with everything since last week, and that was why I was in such a funk with my life. I could stay here, I was offered a job already but I was so antsy. I didn’t feel contented and I couldn’t relax. I felt like I was a giant spring that was being held down, close to springing free—aka, me going bananas if things didn’t start to feel better, normal, or more accurately, right.
My phone woke me up super early the next morning. Instead of answering it though, I hit the ignore button but whoever it was called straight back. I groaned and pushed Gus away from my face because he kept wanting to lick me, apparently, he thought I should get up too. It took me a minute to see who was calling because my eyes were blurry from sleep, but they widened when I saw that it was Janet.
“Hello?”
“Grace.” She was crying. I raised up, feeling completely awake with her muffled voice crying in my ear.
“What’s wrong?” I asked right away.
“It’s Noah,” she started.
I grabbed my chest. “What? What do you mean? Is he okay?” Of course, I knew it must be something bad when she was crying like she was, my stomach fell to the floor.
“I don’t know, they haven’t said anything, he was at the garage when he—” She choked up again and now I was on the verge of crying. “Can you come?” she asked.
“I’m leaving now,” I murmured as I stumbled out of bed and hung up. My entire body was shaking as I tried to get to my door and caught my foot on the edge of the doorway. I hollered from the pain as I hopped and held my foot up. When would I ever stop doing this to my toes? I wasn’t going to have any left!
Dustin stumbled out of his bedroom barely awake. His eyes were more closed than opened when he came to check on me. “What happened?” he asked.
I dropped my foot and felt my face pinch together, the thing it did right before I burst into tears. “Noah.” I started crying real ugly and it seemed to wake him up because his eyes widened as he took a step back, holding his hands out.
“Eww, I can’t deal with your ugly crying,” he told me. “Have you finally realized how stupid you’ve been?”
Rachel crawled out of their room next. “What’s wrong, Grace?”
I started running around in circles trying to find my wallet, keys, and shoes as I cried. “Seriously, Grace, what’s wrong? You’re freakin’ me out,” Dustin said.
“Noah’s been hurt at the garage, I don’t know what’s going on. I have to go,” I told him.
“Shit,” he muttered. “Hold on, and we’ll both go. You can’t drive in your shape anyway.”
“No,” I reacted. “I want to go alone, besides we both can’t leave work.” I already had my shoes on when I bent down and picked up Gus. “Come on, boy,” I said to him as I hurried to the door.
“Why are you taking Gus?” Dustin asked. “We can watch him.”
“I’ll just take him,” I told him.
He lifted his eyebrows like he knew something but otherwise kept his mouth shut. “Be careful.”
“Yeah, let us know when you make it so that we don’t worry,” Rachel told me and I nodded.
I was a hot mess the entire trip back to Virginia. I went from crying and swerving through lanes to nodding and shaking my head, telling myself he was all right. I got so bad at one point that Gus was howling with me, crying because he sensed my distress. The radio was doing nothing to calm my brain.
I was so stupid. Why didn’t I at least talk to him? Why did I shut him out completely? Because you knew there was no such thing as being Noah’s friend, no such thing as hearing his voice, or seeing his smile without landing on his dick like the last time you encountered him, said the crappier version of me I didn’t like.
The darker part of me begged me to turn around and pull out my old cell phone hidden inside my dresser back at the apartment and view Mom’s text and remind myself, she was out on the road again that evening because she was coming to get me, who wasn’t even supposed to be with Noah because Dad had said no. I always got my way with Mom, she always did so much for me, and I lost her that night because of my love for Noah.
How long do I have to punish myself? How long do I have to live this way before I feel like it’s enough?
Only Mom couldn’t answer me. She couldn’t relieve me of this burden like I knew she would.
But now, I realized I could lose Noah the same way I already lost her and it hurt so bad, I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t sit still, not even for my guilt.
I just needed to see that he was okay was what I told myself, and once I saw it with my own eyes, I’d go on living without him like I knew I should because my feelings for him have calmed into a small breeze, it was settled so deep inside me that I could hardly feel its presence. Noah and I were over. I was positive once I checked on him, I’d know that I was right.
But please… be all right when I get there.
I arrived at the only hospital in Jewel County knowing this was where they had to have taken him. I called Janet to let her know I was here but she didn’t answer which probably meant she was inside. It was still early, but it was already hot so I scooped Gus up in my arms and ran. I paused at the door and tried calling her again, beginning to wonder if this was the right hospital but then again, I didn’t even ask if he was at one.
When she didn’t answer, I ran inside and stopped at the first receptionist area I came up to. The lady looked up and her eyes hardened on Gus. “No pets,” she said in the unfriendliest tone imaginable which I couldn’t blame her for doing her job, but I couldn’t leave Gus outside in the heat.
“I just need to know if there’s a Noah Phillips that was brought in a few hours ago,” I said in a hurried voice.
“And you are?” she asked as she started typing on the keyboard. When I didn’t answer, she looked back up. “We don’t have anyone by that name.”
I sighed and back away. “Thank you.” I pulled back out my phone and tried calling her again. She still wasn’t picking up. Was I going to have to go to their house or brave it up and call Noah myself? I should have asked what was wrong. My brain short-circuited the moment she said, “it’s Noah” in that God-awful tone that placed the feeling of dread in my system.
I called again as I walked until something smacked into my legs. I looked down to see the little boy fall because I walked into him. His cup landed between us, splattering whatever drink he had across the floor.
Gus wagged his tail at the commotion as I bent down to the little boy. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I told him as I helped him up. “Are you okay?”
He dusted off his butt and looked down at the clear drink trailing down the hall. “Aw, man,” he mumbled before his eyes landed on Gus and sparkled. “I love puppies! What’s his name?”
“Gus,” I told him, fighting the urge to tell him Gus wasn’t a puppy, not that it mattered.
“Oh God, Jimmy.” It seemed his mom finally arrived, dragging along another little boy and a stroller with a newborn. “What did you do?” she asked him as she looked at me and smiled like she was about to panic.
“It was my fault, I accidentally bumped into him.” More like ran him over, but I didn’t tell her that. She smiled and seemed much happier that I eased her worries that it wasn’t her son’s fault.
“Puddle,” the other little boy said and laughed as he started pouring out his drink.
“Dillon,” she yelled as she ran to stop him but she was too late.
The hallway was now an even bigger mess.
“I’ll go tell them it needs to be cleaned up,” I told her and she smiled and thanked me. The receptionist saw me coming back with Gus and gave me the death stare. I politely told her what happened then turned to leave and then never turned back around so fast in my life. The lady was clearly getting tired of my face, but seeing Noah walking up the hall scared the life out of me.
Wait a minute… I turned back around slowly and scooted off to the side as I studied his body. My God, he had grown even more. His shoulders seemed so much wider now and his chest so… What the hell has he been doing? He had a trimmed beard now which was a reddish-blond. “Noah,” I breathed out pathetically where no one else could hear me then I also noticed he was perfectly okay. “Noah,” I growled his name this time.
My eyes landed on Janet and Dean next to him. My eyes hardened on her… That sneaky old woman, she totally fooled me and I didn’t even take the time to ask questions I was so scared for Noah. But why were they at the hospital? Or was something truly wrong? Maybe it was something that couldn’t be seen?
Oh, my God, they were heading this way. I turned around and the receptionist was still glowering at me, so I ended up circling around to find somewhere to hide so Janet didn’t know that I was here. “You and your dog have to leave, or I’ll call security,” the receptionist told me.
I nodded. “I’m leaving,” I whispered, looking down at what I was wearing. I was still in what I slept in! And I didn’t even want to know what my hair looked like. I looked up and saw Janet eyeing me with a smile.
Oh, dear Lord, why did you make me such a flustered and awkward mess of a person?
“Grace, you came.” Janet beamed at me, and I watched in horror as Dean and Noah both turned this way.
I brought Gus up to my face and turned around. “Grace?” Noah sounded surprised to see me. “Grace!” I turned back around that time and saw him coming toward me. I eyed the place in the floor where I knew all the liquid was, Noah was picking up his pace.
I held out my free hand. “Wait, Noah, don’t.”
“Don’t tell me to fucking wait,” he growled, and I felt the unexpected, heated rush in my system from his words alone. Then Dustin’s words hit me, you haven’t been around him to get the full Noah-effect he has on you.
I backed away and gasped as he slid and fell into the drink on the floor. He hollered like he was in pain and I started running to check on him. “Are you okay?”
He grabbed his hand. “Ah, shit. I think my finger might be broken.”
“How did you break your finger sliding through someone’s drink?” I couldn’t help but ask.
He stood up, still holding his hand as he glared at me. “Because it was my finger that caught my fall before I could move my hand the right way.”
“Noah, are you okay?” Janet asked as they walked up behind him.
He ignored them. “What are you doing here?” he asked me quickly. “Are you finally back?” I couldn’t tell if he was hoping or asking.
Now it made it hard to confront him even more. I held Gus nervously as I looked at Janet. “Janet called crying, saying something happened to you while at the garage.” Her husband and Noah both looked at her at the same time. She grinned without a care at all.
“I didn’t expect you’d get hurt for real when I fibbed a little…” she mumbled sheepishly. “My soaps have really been paying off, it was so easy to get emotional after watching an episode this morning…”
Noah sighed. “So, that’s why you wanted me to come with you guys here, I thought it was weird.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
Dean smiled. “I’m having my gallbladder removed.”
Great, I drove all this way for Dean’s gallbladder. I tugged on my hair self-consciously, hoping I didn’t look as bad as I felt. “I think you might have broken it, by the looks of it,” Dean told Noah as he held out his hand.
“You’re already at the hospital, go get it checked out,” Janet told him.
“It’s just a finger.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal.
“Nonsense,” Janet said.
“I also think you should get it checked out,” I added as he lifted his gaze and held mine, “too.”
“Grace can go with you,” Janet said with a sneaky smile.
“I don’t need her going with me,” Noah muttered, which made all of this even more awkward. As I thought, we weren’t what we were. Why did my chest feel this tight?
“Miss, I’ve asked you time and time again to take the dog outside,” the receptionist found her way outside of her area and said.
“Here, I’ll watch him while you go with Noah,” Janet told me as she took Gus from my hands without letting me reply. She looked to Dean. “You’ll be fine without me.”
He laughed. “I reckon I don’t need you to hold my hand,” he said, placing a kiss on her cheek before looking to Noah and me with a smirk. “But, Noah’s not of age yet, so I believe you should go with him.” He winked at me and I had no idea what to do.
Noah walked off and Janet waved for me to follow him as she walked outside with Gus. “Go on now,” Dean urged me. “Put him out of his misery, at least.” And with that, he walked off and I turned and followed after Noah.
Once I caught up to his long strides, I slowed down. “How does it feel?” I asked him.
“Broken,” he answered, then he turned and met my eyes as we walked. “It feels broken.” Now I didn’t feel like we were talking about his finger anymore.
I waited in a seat while he checked himself in. I was sending Dustin a text when he sat down and he must have seen his name because he muttered, “I can’t believe you lived with Dustin the last four years,” and turned his head the other direction.
“As roommates,” I told him as I pulled out a picture of Dustin and Rachel on my phone. “Here’s his girlfriend.” I showed him and waited for him to look better or something.
He just arched an eyebrow. “I have Facebook, remember?” Whew, he was being an asshole. I deserved it, but I couldn’t help but want to make it better. I couldn’t stand him being so not Noah with me.
When we were quiet again, he finally turned his head back to me. “Are you going back?” My stomach swam with butterflies.
“Noah Phillips,” a nurse called his name.
He got up and I did too. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going with you,” I replied. “I don’t want to sit out here and wait,” I added so he wouldn’t object.
He sighed, and I followed behind him again. The nurse checked his weight and things and we were placed into a room to wait for the doctor. “So, you’re only here right now because you thought I was hurt?” he asked. And before I could answer he said, “You don’t have to answer, I can tell by the way you look, like you rushed here without any thought… How fucking sweet of you to come back only when you think I might be laid up in the hospital.”
“I think I should go,” I said quickly as I stood up.
“Yeah, please,” he dared to say.
I took a deep breath and sat back down. “I’m staying.”
“You do whatever the hell you want anyway,” he muttered seconds before the doctor walked in. The awful mood between us was thick as they x-rayed his hand and diagnosed his finger broken. He was sent on his way with a finger cast.
Even the way he walked ahead of me looked angry, like he was pissed at the world or just me. I tagged along behind him in silence admiring the shape of his butt in those jeans and the way my body felt despite the fact that he was angry as hell.
He stopped and I bumped into him. I backed up as he turned around and glared at me, his eyebrows in angry slants. “Are you with anyone?”
“What? No.” I shook my head. “Are you?” He didn’t answer, instead, he turned around and started walking away from me. I watched him go before I started running. “Noah.” I grabbed his arms but he kept walking out of the hospital door. “Fine, whatever. I don’t care.”
My insides were crying out.
I spotted Janet sitting on a bench feeding Gus ice cream. She saw us and smiled then frowned as she spotted Noah hauling his butt into the parking lot and leaving me behind. I didn’t know what else to do other than to go grab my dog and leave.
“This didn’t go like I hoped,” she told me with a frown as I picked up Gus. “I’m sorry for what I did, if that counts for anything. I just wanted you to see where he is in life. You’d be surprised at how far he’s gotten. He’s doing good for himself.”
“It’s okay, really… I just didn’t think about what might happen if I had to lose him even as a friend one day.”
“Noah’s feelings for you are beautiful, something so precious and big that I hate to see it ruined because you think that you don’t deserve to be happy. You do, believe me, moms want their children to be happy, yours is probably crying as she watches over you.”
I blinked away tears as I nodded and walked away.
“Come to the house tomorrow,” she told me.
I looked back and shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Nonsense… It’s a good chance to make peace with Noah, besides there’s something I want to show you.” She winked as she got up. “I better go check on Dean.”