She’s so aware of me, just like I am of her. The willpower it took to act like I didn’t want to forget the world and get lost in her was because of my love for her. I want her always and forever, not just for an hour or a day. I won’t take bits and pieces, I’ll take her whole because it’s what she needs and deserves, and that’s everything to me.
She can’t pretend not to know that she’s everything to me. If she’s forgotten, guess I’ll have to remind her.
Any hands that have touched her will be erased, forgotten, gone until there’s only mine.
I’ve planned and waited for us to grow up, to win her heart and accept mine, and live happily ever after. Even as a boy, I knew the kind of man I was. I don’t give up. Ever. Not on the things I hold dear. Not on the one that holds my heart in the palm of her dainty hand.
N.P.
I went up and down the stairs a hundred times that next day, telling myself not to go to Janet’s house. I called work and fibbed, and suddenly feared my own choices. I had no idea what I was doing but staying here and calling into work weren’t smart choices…
But they felt like the right ones.
Dad finally got tired of me pacing around the house and just told me to go see or do whatever it was that was causing me to wear down the floors.
Even on the drive to her house, I kept telling myself that this wasn’t a good idea then I remembered that I already drove this far because of Noah so anything else I did, couldn’t hurt. I was invited, and I told myself I was only going to see what she wanted to show me. But that was kind of worse because I knew the only thing she would have to show me would be about Noah.
Did he still live with them? Or did he move out?
I didn’t see his truck when I pulled in and the disappointment was thick in my throat. I also brought Gus with me because I didn’t want to leave his care on Dad. I didn’t think Janet would mind, considering she watched him at the hospital while her husband was going in for surgery.
The bad idea got even worse when I knocked on the door and a younger version of Dean answered the door, holding a baby in his arm. “Um,” I started, not sure what to say as I held Gus, “is Janet home?”
He looked me over once then smiled. “You’re Noah’s Grace, right?”
Noah’s Grace? “I am Grace, I don’t know about being Noah’s,” I corrected him, and he smiled, although I wish my heart would stop fluttering like it enjoyed the sound of being Noah’s.
“I’m Janet’s son, Jeremy,” he told me, extending his hand out to take mine.
“The army, right?”
He nodded. “Yeah, one of them.” A petite blonde moved in the doorway with him. “This is my wife, Sarah,” he told me then smiled at the baby in his arms. “And this is our little miracle baby, Sammy.” They looked so perfect, the three of them together, that it made my teeth hurt.
“Come on in,” Sarah offered.
I didn’t make it one step when Janet yelled, “Keep your shoes on, Grace, we’re leaving.”
Oh, boy.
I stood there awkwardly as they both smiled at me. Janet shoved herself between them. “Mamaw will be right back,” she cooed to the baby as she kissed him on the forehead.
“It was nice to finally meet you,” Sara yelled as Janet hurried me to her car.
“It looks like one of your sons and his family are in to visit, are you sure you want to leave?” I asked, then watched as she opened the car door and climbed in. “Wait, where are we even going?”
“Both of our sons are in, and they will be for two weeks, so stop making excuses not to be here,” she mumbled as she looked up at me from the seat. “Well, come on, I have a husband laid up on the couch that wants to be petted after his surgery so let’s make this quick.”
“I brought Gus,” I went on.
“He’s fine.”
I ran around and got into the passenger side seat. “I wouldn’t have come if I knew I’d be bothering you guys,” I said again as I buckled up.
She started the car and grunted. “Stop. You’re still trying to make up every reason as to why you shouldn’t have come to see me today but guess what, Grace?” She was grinning as she pulled out of the driveway.
“What?”
“You came anyway.”
“If there’s something you want to ask me about Noah, ask away,” she said softly. “We have a few minutes before we get there.”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“The garage.”
Now I really was nervous. “Why? Is Noah there?”
She turned and smiled at me. “Why are you being so nervous? He’s the reason you came all the way to see me, right?”
I wiped my face nervously and placed my palm on my knee and held Gus with my other hand. “I came because you said there was something you wanted to show me.”
“And I am,” she replied with a smirk. “Noah’s never stopped waiting for you despite knowing that you were trying to run from everything you had with him.”
I glanced at her apprehensively. “It sounds like he’s told you everything.”
“You’re not the only one that felt horrible about the way your mom passed away, Noah felt the same things you did, and with you pulling away from him, he needed someone to listen.”
“Noah… he felt the same way I have?” I asked quickly. “He never…”
“Because you were clinging onto it so hard, he knew that if he did too then neither of you would fight for your love because you’d both be trying to figure out if you should blame yourselves for your mom being out that night.” She went on, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told him and what I told you yesterday… let it go. I never met your mother, but some things you just know, and she wouldn’t want you this way no matter what reason she was out on the road that night. It’s crazy the way humans will cling so hard onto the bad things than focus on the good ones.”
“You don’t understand,” I muttered. “My dad has been steadily pushing me away since she died, and no matter what anyone says, I feel like he blames me and can’t even stand to be around me. He loved me so much… and just like that, he can’t stand me. I hate it! This man that I’ve loved my whole life suddenly being cold to me. What if the same thing happened with Noah? What if one day he was so disappointed in me that he became the same way?” I shook my head violently. “There’s no way I could handle that, I’d rather live with this guilt and leave him than for him to one day look at me the way Dad does!”
Janet slammed on the brakes, and I looked up to see that she had pulled off beside the road. She looked so sad when she faced me that I placed my face in Gus’s fur so I didn’t have to face it. She pulled me into her arms and I stiffened. “You’ve been having all these thoughts without anyone to talk to?” she whispered. “You must miss her so much. I still miss mine, they were always the ones we could go to when things were tough, whether it was with life or just the thoughts inside our heads. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom.” With her words, I broke down and cried into her shoulder.
Janet’s shoulder was so comfortable that I found myself crying for the longest time before I finally settled down. I had so many tears, so many emotions, so many choices, so many things I wanted that I thought I couldn’t have, and things I wanted but was afraid of one day turning uglier than I felt now.
I finally pulled away from her when I felt better, also a bit drowsy now that I had cried to my heart’s content. “I understand why you’re hurting but believe me, there’s nothing you can do that can ever disappoint Noah. The worst thing you could have done to him, you already have by leaving him, and he still hasn’t lost sight of you.” I wiped my face. “Time to let it go, it’s time to live,” she said before getting back on the road.
I cleaned my face up but it was still obvious that I had been crying. I felt strangely better, but still nervous because I didn’t know what I was doing. “I’m not much, and I know you don’t know me well enough, but that can change and I can always be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on… Never let yourself suffer alone, you were only eating yourself on the inside.”
“Sorry about that breakdown,” was the only thing I could say to her. Twice in two days. Maybe I tried too hard for so long and kept it bottled away to the point that I truly was falling apart.
When we arrived at the garage, I immediately knew that it wasn’t the same. My eyes took in the new name and I was completely speechless. In italicized gold lettering, Prissy Auto Repairs and Services was plastered on a sign at the entrance and again on the newly painted garage. Black and gold paint job, this place looked amazing.
“What?” I finally mumbled.
Janet was grinning. “Dean sold the garage to Noah.” I looked over at her. “It was time, he was ready to rest and he knew Noah would be the perfect choice. Neither of our sons wanted it and they don’t live around here anyway.”
I looked at the garage again. “You’re grinning,” she informed me as she watched me. “Are you that happy about Noah getting himself a garage or is it something else?” She knows.
Of course, I was. My skin felt like bursting. The only boy I ever loved was now a man who made his garage’s name the nickname he called me. After a good cry, all of these good feelings were hitting me as I stared at the title, and there I was smiling again.
“I can’t go in there with the way I feel right now,” I said immediately as I clung to Gus in my arms. He knew the car was parked so he was restless to get outside.
“Why not?”
“Why did you bring me here?” I dragged out a sigh. “Why did you show me this?”
“I brought you here because with him is probably where you want to be, but you don’t want to admit it because of this pointless guilt and fear. I knew if I brought you here, you’d be left without a choice.” She touched my arm. “I brought you here because Noah’s my family now, and there’s this other thing I’m doing.”
“What?” I met her eyes.
“I’m saving Grace,” she answered, “I’m saving you, from yourself.”
“Wait, Janet,” I whispered quickly as she opened the door. Noah stepped out of the open garage doors wiping his hands on a rag as he saw her and smiled. He took my breath away even greased up, maybe even more so. He was so handsomely sculpted, and it wasn’t just his appearance that was rich and vibrant.
“What are you doing here?” he asked her then when Gus started barking, his eyes fell on us.
I was so fidgety and nervous for some reason as he smirked at Janet before walking over to my window as I rolled it down. He peered down at me with a smile. “Might as well get out,” he told me as he opened my door.
“We can leave if you’re busy,” I rambled as I got out and stood beside him anyway.
“I’ll never be busy enough when it comes to you,” he said effortlessly, and I looked away, lowering my gaze to the ground instead of at his alluring smile.
“Come inside, it’s a little cooler,” he told me as he grabbed my arm and pulled me forward. “There’s a little office inside, I’ll show you.”
I smiled, thinking that he might be anxious and a tad excited to show me the garage that was his now.
“I like the name you picked out,” I found myself saying.
He turned and cocked an eyebrow at me before grabbing his neck and smiling almost like he was embarrassed. “I thought you’d like that.” Then he turned back around as we slipped inside. Two other men were inside working and they nodded and grinned at us as we walked past them. “It was only a matter of time before I went and got you and brought you home myself to show you.”
Home. Where was that for me anymore?
I thought I heard Janet’s car starting up and pulled away from Noah as I ran back toward the garage door. Noah took Gus from my hands as he moved beside me as we watched Janet drive away. “She left me,” I muttered.
Noah laughed. “Guess you’re stuck here with me until I bring you home.” He turned back around and I followed, silently thanking Janet for taking my choice away but at the same time, the fear kept me on edge, reminding me of the guilt.
He took me to a back room which was a small office. His office. I eyed the rolling chair right before he said, “Go ahead and sit down.”
“What time do you get off?” I asked as I plopped down in the chair and started spinning myself in it.
“Are you going to play at your teacher’s desk when you start teaching as well?” he asked, leaning against the desk with his arms folded as he watched me. When I tilted my head back at him, he added, “You might have tried your hardest not to find out about me, but I tried very hard to keep up with you the last few years. You’re suited to be a teacher.”
I started spinning again. “You never posted much online, so of course, I never knew what was going on in your life.”
He kicked his foot out and stopped me from spinning. I swallowed as his gaze heated me up with a smirk. “So, you were curious?” he asked. “You could have just called, even better, you could have come home to me already.”
He pulled me closer with his leg until my knees hit his legs. “Why do you keep expecting me to come back when I said, ‘don’t wait’,” I whispered, trying to dispel the mood between us. It wasn’t working, and with the heavy-lidded gaze he was caressing my body with, it only seemed to have made him worse.
“You’re here, aren’t you?” he caught me with his question. “How did you end up with Janet? You drove, didn’t you?” He leaned over me, placing his hands on the arms of my chair. I leaned back, trying to make myself a part of the chair. “You’re asking to be caught, Priss. No, you’re begging me to keep you… you just don’t realize it yet, but don’t worry, I’m not letting you go this time.”
He loomed closer, his azure eyes calling me in as his breath fanned my neck. I shuddered and leaned away. He followed until his lips were at the pulse thrumming in my neck, a single light kiss made me shiver. I placed my hand between his mouth and my skin. “What are you doing?” I mumbled.
He didn’t pull away and it was killing me. “It’s been a long damn time since I’ve had your body right here for the taking, instead of my hand, Grace, and I’m coming unglued because of it, especially with you right here stuck in my office…”
I let my head fall back as I closed my eyes. “It’s been so long,” I agreed.
I gasped when he scooped me up unexpectedly and tossed me onto the desk. I looked at him stunned as he placed his forehead against mine. “You haven’t even been with anybody else, have you?” It wasn’t a question—he knew. “I know just what I created inside you when we were only thirteen, why didn’t you sleep with anyone else?” he whispered into my neck. “I can tell, I just know. You keep giving yourself away.” I’d been exposed beneath the heated gaze and his long eyelashes.
I pushed him barely. “This is inappropriate.”
“I’ll be inappropriate every damn time I’m with you for the rest of our lives because I’m going to keep you by my side and smother you with all this you’ve made me hold onto for the last few years.”
He cupped my cheek and met my eyes. He kissed my nose, my forehead, my cheeks, and my chin. By the time he was finished, I was shaking with this strong, intense emotion and breathing hot against his face. I grabbed his hand and leaned in.
“Noah, whoa,” one of the other workers said as he stepped into the room then immediately covered his eyes. We weren’t doing anything, but Noah was standing between my legs and an inch from my face when I coughed and shoved him away slowly. “We got someone out here wanting you to do an estimate… I didn’t know you’d be busy,” he said, winking at Noah.
“I’ll be right there,” Noah said, and the worker walked away from the doorway. He looked back at me when he was gone. “Are you hungry? I can make one of the guys go out and get you something, it’s gonna be a few hours.”
I nodded. “I’m fine. Go on and work, I’m gonna stay in here.”
He smiled at me. “Everything’s right with the world again.”
He surprised me so I said, “What?”
“Having you by my side again.” He didn’t give me the chance to say anything as he slipped out the door. I stared down at the jacket beside me and picked it up. Noah’s name was on the tag, I brought it up to my neck and sighed.
That comfort I felt with Noah always reminded me of Nyquil, his presence had a way of making me content with life and everything to the point that I was drowsy. Before I realized what I was doing, I laid down and cradled myself atop the desk and drifted to sleep and hoped when I woke, it wasn’t the guilt that greeted me.
____
When I woke, I knew it was Noah’s arms that carried me. The stream of light hit my eyes and I brought my hand up to shield them from the sun. “Finally awake?” Noah asked as he opened his truck door with me still in his arms.
“See ya tomorrow,” someone called out to Noah, and I raised up and tapped his shoulder so he’d place my feet down. I wiped my eyes and mouth as I climbed into the driver’s side.
“Bye,” Noah said as he waved.
“Gus?” I asked, and he picked him up and placed him inside the truck with me.
I scooted to the middle and waited for Noah to climb in. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and checked the time. It was after four which meant I slept for a few hours. No wonder my neck was so sore. I rolled my neck and shoulders.
“I don’t see how you slept on top of a desk,” he muttered as he climbed in and shut the door. “Only you.” He smiled.
“My neck is killing me,” I admitted as I glanced at the garage again and smiled. “Are you getting off now?” He nodded as he pulled out. “My Escape’s at Janet’s,” I told him. “Do you still live with them?”
“No,” he answered. “I’m taking you home. I want you to see it.”
“You have a place too?” I asked, amazed. “I just finished college, how do you manage to have your own garage and place already?”
I could easily afford my own place with my savings, and all I had to do was find a teaching job, so maybe we weren’t so far apart or at least I hoped.
“It’s called being in debt,” he said with a smirk, and I smiled. “Honestly, if it hadn’t been for Dean and Janet, there’s no way I would have gotten this far. Running the garage is a lot more of a pain than it had been just working there, but I enjoy it despite the headaches that come with it.” I nodded.
“What about your dad?” I asked casually.
“I had to cut ties with him,” he answered. I couldn’t believe it. “He gave me no choice, he wasn’t going to change, and I know somewhere deep down, there’s a part of him that loves me, but he’d rather use me than love me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I told him as I searched his face as he drove. “I’m sorry, I had liked John despite everything. Even as a kid, I thought he looked like a parent some days when he helped us, it just wasn’t enough to make up for the bad things he put you through... I think that was the right choice.”
He looked at me sadly. “Why didn’t you tell me he was harassing you for money?”
My eyes widened. “It was only a few times.”
“Fuck, Grace, you’re my sun, you’re my moon and stars; my world revolves around you no matter how much you want to deny it. Do you know how sick I felt when I found out that he’d bugged you while we were together, it’s embarrassing and I can’t stand the thought of you putting up with that because of me.”
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d end up giving him whatever he wanted so that he would have left me alone, and I didn’t want to see that happen either. I hated to see him take advantage of you.”
“It’s the same for me… That’s what made cutting ties with him so easy.”
“Noah… you can’t just make choices because of me. You can’t just cut your dad out of your life because of me.”
“I did it for me, Priss, so that I could be with you comfortably and without the burden of him making our life hard. You know I love him despite everything he is, it’s like it’s in my DNA to love him, but I love you more—I want you, our future, our happiness more than anything else, and I’m not going to feel sorry for it either.” He looked away from the road again to look at me. “It’s that easy, Grace, to be happy.”
He placed his hand on my knee and I glanced down. I was letting him pull me in, I felt it, the rattle in my chest, the need for him burning into my very existence.
He pulled into a long driveway and my eyes took in the two-story house. It was beautiful. Simple, nothing at all grand, but it stirred the longing somewhere deep inside me. The yard was big, I could already picture him cutting the grass as I planted flowers. I could see myself on the swing on the porch, my feet propped up in his lap as we read together like we always did growing up. I could see us leaving in separate cars every morning with a goodbye kiss and smile before going to work. I saw everything so perfectly that it stung my eyes and I had to look down once again.
“Well, what do you think?” he asked. “It’s us, right?”
I finally covered my eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
“Why did you come to me?” he asked back. I looked up from my hands as he placed the truck in park and met my eyes with resolve. “You came this far by coming to me today, it’s time to come the rest of the way.”
Noah’s words were magic and chaos to my heart and body.
“Come back to me all the way,” he whispered beautifully.
Then he opened the truck door, climbing out and pulling me with him. I let him lift me up slowly before he placed my feet on the ground. Static was between us as I let him take my hand and lead me. Gus followed behind us as we walked to the backyard. Noah pointed to the huge beech tree in the yard. “And that is the main reason I bought this house so that I could build a treehouse for old times’ sake and for our future kids.”
He grabbed my other hand and moved in close. “The future that I pictured growing up, the words I said, and the promises I made to myself are here. I’ll make you happy and when you’re happy and next to me for every year here on out, I’ll be happy. Your mom was on my side, she said for me not to disappoint her and I haven’t, but I will if I let you go again.”
“Noah—”
“You made me a promise that you’d be the only girl I’d spend my time with if I’d always take you on an adventure,” he spoke over me.
He was giving me the biggest swarm of butterflies in my stomach. “We were six and seven,” I said half-heartedly because, in the end, I held Noah above all others from the very beginning so I knew how little our age meant. In fact, Noah was the only boy—man I ever saw, even now. I couldn’t go to another man and think of him touching me without getting sick to my stomach with just the thought. That’s just the way it was and after being around a ton of opportunities in college, I realized that part me was never going to change. That part of me belonged to Noah before I even knew I gave it away as a kid. My heart and body. Probably even my very soul belonged to the man trying to fix what I broke.
“You have been my dream, my motivation since the moment you climbed up that rope.” He didn’t relent.
“Noah.”
“Don’t pretend,” he yelled before softening his expression once more.
“Don’t pretend about what?”
“Don’t pretend that you don’t know that I’ve been orbiting around you since we were kids.”
“I thought that was me with you,” I dared to whisper back.
“Don’t pretend that I wouldn’t try my damnedest to reach up and pluck the moon from the sky if you asked.”
The heat burning through me wasn’t pretending either. I swallowed and searched his face, gazed at his lips before I met his smoldering expression once more. He was trying to bury me with all these words, feelings, and gazes.
“I got another adventure, one I’ve been planning for a long time,” he revealed to me, and the fear slid into my veins as he pulled me to his chest, wrapped his arms around me, and swallowed me with his rugged beauty. “Marry me, Priss. Let’s make every day an adventure. Let’s go on walks. Let’s take naps. Let’s read and do whatever together like we always did before, and let’s do new things like vacations and road trips, anything you want. Let’s be happy.”
I had to get away from him. I shoved him away and turned around and started walking the way we came. “Grace!” he yelled, and my feet felt like lead they were so heavy. My heart was protesting but my mind was everywhere.
“We can leave here, we can go anywhere!” he kept yelling, but I didn’t dare look back to see if he was coming after me. “My home is where you are, nothing here means anything if you don’t stay. I’ll go where you go.”
I covered my eyes and mouth with my hands and tried to keep the tears at bay. Noah was more than likely in a lot of debt, yet I knew his words weren’t empty promises. He’d go wherever I told him to and that hurt most of all.
“Gus,” I called out with a voice jam-packed with emotion.
I turned around and saw Gus standing next to Noah, who was just standing there watching me in the same place I left him. Even Gus knew my heart. He looked like he wanted me to stop hurting everyone too. I turned around and walked anyway. I walked and walked until the hole in my heart grew. I made it to the edge of his driveway. I’d held onto this guilt for so long, would it be so easy to just let it go?
Noah, my feet really don’t want to leave this time. Too heavy, this burden was…
There was something beautifully tragic in the way someone fell to their knees, some held their arms up high, clawing to the surface to get back up, while others picked themselves up slowly, one leg at a time, and the ones that never got back up and drowned their hopes and dreams…Then there was Noah, who was only a kid when he centered his future around me.
And here I was walking away from him again.
So, I stopped and took a deep breath. Sometimes you had to drop all the pieces and let go of all the things that were keeping you from being happy.
I was running when I didn’t want to be. I left once because I thought I should suffer. I didn’t want to leave again. I didn’t want to be without him any longer. My peace. My comfort. My passion. My dreams. My happiness. He was all of them.
“Sorry, Mom,” I cried as I turned around. This ugly feeling I’ve held onto for so long. This unwanted guilt. I’m going to let it go and trust that you’d want me happy with Noah, instead of what my mind wants me to believe.
And just like that, in this smothering evening heat with no rain or clouds, I washed away all the things that held me down and I ran back to where I belonged.
Typical Noah, here I was running back with tears running down my cheeks, and he was running to me so we met halfway. More like collided in a mess of tears and locked away touches. His hands were unsure as they wrapped around me. He watched as the tears streamed down my cheeks. I grabbed his arms and pulled him into me but not without whispering, “It is that easy.” My lips slammed into his, and it was the most amazing sound—his soft, pleading groan when I did.
My feet were off the ground as he lifted me up while shoving his tongue down my throat. It wasn’t enough, it was never enough when it came to him. “I love you, Noah, I love you,” I breathed the words into his mouth as I continued to kiss him while he carried me away. “I love you, and I’m so sorry. I needed you the most when I pushed you away, but I didn’t think I deserved to be happy with you after—”
“Shh,” he mumbled across my lips. “I’m going to make you happy, Grace, I love you so damn much.” His arms shook as he carried me. I pushed against his chest so he’d place my feet back down and started tugging at his shirt. He threw it on the gravel driveway as we scooted our feet across the rocks and dirt to reach some unknown destination between kisses. He tore at my shirt and I helped, then he stopped and tugged down my shorts. I stepped out of them and jumped him while he caught me by the legs and I wrapped them around him. He carried me inside where he dropped me down on an air mattress in his living room that was empty.
I made the time between his kisses to say, “Your house is completely empty.”
He lifted his head and grinned. “It’s a work in progress.”
I laughed and brought his face down to kiss me. He made quick work of his jeans and my eyes took in his erection, the mushroom tip, and all its glory, and the need to have him inside me grew worse. He undid my bra and covered me in kisses as I moaned and dug my fingers into his hair. His beard brought on a new powerful sensation that I loved. “Noah, we have the rest of our lives for foreplay, I need you inside me now,” I moaned as he covered one of my nipples with his mouth.
He looked up at me. “I’m going to explode before I even get inside you,” he admitted with lust-driven eyes. “It’s been a long time.” I loved his honesty.
I took my hands to his cheeks and lifted his face to mine until our noses were inches apart. “I like you the most.” I slid my hands down until I was touching his. “I never had to be with someone else to know that I like your hands the most, it’s your touch that I love and crave. Even so, I could have tried a thousand different touches and I would have still only wanted yours.” I could be honest too.
“That was overkill, am I dreaming? You can’t really be underneath me right now saying words like that after leaving me for so long,” he whispered.
I kissed his forehead as he placed his lips against my chest. “I’m sorry.” He kissed me again.
“Are you on birth control?” he asked.
“I’m not,” I gasped as he slammed into me all at once.
The pain was exquisite because of what came with it. My body welcomed the rush of him inside me. “Good to know,” he groaned. “Feels like home.”
He kissed, caressed, and molded me as he moved into me. It was rushed and perfect, the feel of him above me as he brought us to the peak. I could go back to who I was. The girl that wholeheartedly loved one boy, even when her friends told her it didn’t make sense to be with only one guy and think there wasn’t better out there.
Maybe I was completely ordinary and a simple small-town girl but to Noah, I was everything. And if being his everything was as far as I got in life, that was perfectly okay with me.
Then he brought us over our peak and I shattered beneath him as he pulled out and came on my stomach. He cleaned me off with his shirt before cradling me in his arms. I looked up from his chest with a smile. “Did we leave Gus outside?”
He chuckled and got back up from the air mattress. “I’ll go get him. You stay there naked.”
I grinned. “Can you get my shorts outside, my cell phone’s inside the pocket?”
He nodded and ran out the door buck-naked. I was glad he didn’t have neighbors. I shook my head and fell back against the mattress. I was going to be happy with Noah. I looked around the empty room with a contented smile. It was okay to picture my future with him right here. The only person that had control over my happiness was me.
Gus came running through the door followed by Noah. He started jumping onto the air mattress as I heard Noah running water in the kitchen. “Careful, Gus,” I told him as I helped him on the air mattress and covered myself with a sheet. Noah came back into the room with a bowl of water that he sat down on the floor for Gus.
Noah pulled his cell phone out of his pants’ pocket lying on the floor and handed me mine as he sat down next to me. He pulled open a text and showed it to me.
I’m rooting for you.
So don’t disappoint me.
It was the text Mom sent him the night she passed away. It hurt to think of the way she died and her death was a wound I’d never be able to heal, but I would slowly learn to live with it… Like right now, the text made me smile instead of burst into tears and guilt. She had been rooting for us from the very beginning, I had to believe that she’d want us happy instead of miserable. “I had to take a picture of the text so that I would have it on this phone… She gave me a tough time with you but it was because she wanted us both to succeed when we got older.”
“I saw that you still carved,” I told him. “I think she would have been happy to have known you kept to it.”
He smiled. “I have a shed at Dean’s where my saw and things are, I’ll have to build something here for when I get orders.”
“Sounds like you’ve got a lot of work to do with building a shed and treehouse…”
“And not to mention time at the garage, the woodwork, and keeping you happy… I might be a busy man, but I’m going to always make time for you. Everything I do is so that I can give you a comfortable life.”
I pulled him down and kissed him. “I can’t believe I wasted away some of our years together.”
“We’ll have to make up for lost time,” he said as his hand trailed down between my legs.
______
I was sitting on the top step of the porch with a sheet draped over me as I watched the sunset. Noah stepped out of the house and placed a pot of ramen between us as he joined me. “It’s all I had to make,” he told me as he handed me a fork. “Did you call Dustin?” he asked, and I nodded. I let him know that I wasn’t coming back, but he had laughed and said he had expected this outcome, and maybe deep down, I did too.
“He offered to pack my stuff for me and bring it back, but I’d rather do it.”
“We can go get it this weekend,” he told me.
I smiled and took a huge bite. “I wish she was still here, Noah,” I found myself saying as I glanced back at the yard. “It hurts not having her to share my day with, like right now. I’m sure she would have loved this place for us. I could imagine her dragging Dad along because he would have still been giving you a hard time.” I smiled sadly and took another bite. “I want Dad to be happy… and I don’t think I’m going to ever have my relationship with him back.”
He flicked my nose. “He loves you… I can imagine I’d fall apart the same way if I had to lose you in such a way that he lost your mom.” He placed his hand over mine. “Some people cope better than others, you and your dad weren’t those that could.”
I gave him another tearful smile. “Why didn’t I let you comfort me sooner?” I mumbled and he kissed me softly because of it. “Such a waste of years and all that unwanted guilt would have been easier to let go of if I had just let you love me despite everything.”
“I loved you regardless, but I’m glad you’re here now. Just promise me one thing.”
“What?” I asked.
“Don’t shut me out the next time something bad happens, let me hold you and make it better. When you’re thinking of your mom and missing her, talk to me like you are now. Don’t shut me out like you did before. You might as well stab me with something because that’s what it feels like when you put distance between us.”
I placed my fork down and leaned into him with a smile. “I promise to let you take care of me, and I’ll take care of you.”
“Do you want a big wedding?” he asked.
“You have to ask first,” I whispered.
“I thought I did earlier.”
“Yeah, but I ran away.” I looked up and grinned at him. “But, my heart was seriously about to beat out of my chest when you did.”
He stood up, pulling me with me. I started blushing and laughing because I knew what he was about to do. He pulled me into his arms and dipped me. “Let’s go on an adventure, one that lasts forever.” I was laughing and he was smirking. “Marry me.”
“Of course, I’d take on any adventure as long as it was with you.”
He smothered me in kisses until I pushed his face away while we laughed. He lifted me back up and I grabbed my back when my cell phone started ringing in the house. “It’s mine,” I told him as we went inside. I picked it up off the bed and felt the same feeling of dread from that night Mom passed away. “It’s Dad,” I told him.
“Hello,” I answered.
“I was worried you weren’t planning on coming back home tonight,” he responded. He was right. I was planning on staying here with Noah. “Come home and bring Noah too.” Before I could say anything, he added, “That’s who you’re with, ain’t it?”
“Yeah, we’ll head over now.”
“Good. Bye, Grace.”
I hung up and looked to Noah. “He wants us to come over… I don’t know why.”
He grabbed my cheek and squeezed. “It doesn’t have to be anything bad just because he called, Grace… it could be something good.”
“You’re right.” I nodded, but was still afraid, nonetheless.
_____
Noah had driven us to Dad’s. It was almost an hour drive from his house. As we walked up the steps, he said, “Relax.”
“I would if I could,” I told him with a weak smile. “I just hate disappointing him.”
“You are not a disappointment.” He grabbed my hand and opened the door.
Dad poked his head out of the kitchen. “I, uh, ordered pizza if you guys would like some.”
“That actually sounds good, we ate ramen right before you called and it didn’t quite hit the spot or fill me up,” Noah said with ease. I smiled and relaxed next to him.
We followed Dad into the kitchen where he moved hastily around the kitchen and found some paper plates. Two pizza boxes were on the table and something about this made my heart hurt because it looked like Dad was trying… For a moment, I just stood there frozen as I watched him awkwardly get us out something to drink almost like he had rehearsed it. “I remember you liked Meat Lover’s, didn’t ya, Noah?” Dad asked him.
“Yeah, I do,” Noah replied.
He looked up from the table at me. “I got us bacon and banana peppers, our favorite.”
I found myself smiling. “That sounds so good right now,” I told him, and Noah was giving me a huge grin as if he was enjoying this for me.
We all sat down and started digging into the pizza. “You’re still living over in Jewel County, aren’t ya?” Dad asked Noah.
He nodded. “Yeah, I am. I just recently bought me a place over there. I was renting a place before that,” he said, looking at me since it was the first time I heard about it too.
I smiled and he placed his hand on my knee as he ate as if to say that we had all the time in the world to catch up on the last few years.
“That’s great, Noah, it really is.” Dad looked down at his paper plate before adding, “You proved me wrong, Noah, and although it’s damn irritating to have to admit that, I’m glad you did.”
Noah and I looked at one another and grinned. “I’ve always known what I wanted, and I made sure I could get it,” he said while staring at me.
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Dad agreed. “Grace.” I looked over at him and stopped smiling. “I didn’t realize how much I hurt you when we lost your mom and if I had known you were blaming yourself the same way I had been, I would have spoken up instead of sinking into this sadness that’s had a hold of me since your mom passed away.”
I frowned. “What do you mean? The same way? Why would you feel that way?”
He gave me a miserable smile. “That night at the hospital when you showed up with Noah and your mom was still in surgery and we didn’t know the shape she was in… I had been angry and scared, so I had said she had been coming to get you just to make you feel horrible for going to be with Noah when I had told you not to. She hadn’t been coming to get you.”
“What?” I mumbled. Noah looked just as startled as I felt.
Dad placed his fists against his head as he finally broke down, “She wanted take-out, you know how your mom was with take-out when she didn’t want to cook… She had asked me to go with her, but the only thing I wanted to do was argue with her because she had taken you to meet Noah. I was so angry, but she was completely calm and cheerful as I griped the entire time and when I refused to go with her to get us some food, she said she’d go herself. I kept telling her to call you and get you to come home, and I remember clearly what she said to me as she was walking out of the door that day, ‘Steven, you might as well get used to it because mark my words, that boy is going to be our son-in-law one day’.”
I was crying while Dad muffled his own. Noah was deathly still next to me. “She had so much confidence in you both, but I was so scared and angry, Grace, you were my baby. I didn’t think someone with a background like Noah could give you what you deserve.” Dad wiped his eyes. “I’m telling you this because you’ve been hurting for something that wasn’t your fault, if anything, it was my fault for not going with her. If I had gone with her, I would have driven and it might have made a difference.”
I covered my eyes and cried harder. I felt Noah’s arms go around me. I’d been feeling guilty for nothing and while I thought Dad had been distancing himself because he blamed me, it was really himself that he blamed. All this time, Dad and I felt the same way.
I felt Noah’s shoulders tremble and that was when I uncovered my eyes and saw that he was on the verge tears as he held me. There was something so heartwarming about it because all this time, Noah felt the same way just like Janet had told me, but he held onto me instead of letting it eat at him. But now, the truth was out and we were set free.
“I’m so sorry, I hadn’t realized you took my words to heart when I spoke out of anger that night at the hospital,” Dad apologized.
But I had already decided to let go before he even told us the truth of that night. I stood up and walked over to Dad. He looked up at me and I did what Mom would want us all to do. I hugged him tightly, and he placed one hand against my back as he cried. “I already let go of that night before I even came here… It’s time for you to do the same. Instead of remembering Mom for who she was, we’ve been stuck on the day we lost her.”
“I miss her so much,” he told me. “I wish I could go back to that day and just go with her.”
I pulled away and met his eyes. “Then I might have lost both my parents that day and I’ve missed you and her both enough the past few years already. I still need you, ya know.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said again. “I’ve missed you too. I didn’t know how to be myself once we lost her.”
We were only human. We bottled up our feelings and held on tight when it would have been so much easier to let go. I thought we would be better now.
We were dusting off our knees and standing back up.