She’s so fucking good at it… showing up unannounced or unexpected, sending my heart, mind, and body into a state of panic. With no call or text—nothing, she pops up where I can see her before I can go get her.
Whether she’s sixteen or twenty-two, she has a knack for making me act a fool. I lost a touchdown, now I broke a finger.
I’m angry. I’m so damn angry because I was so happy to see her standing there, rosy-cheeked and cuter than she was the months she left me in sleeping clothes with Gus in her hand… only she didn’t come back to me, she came back for the fear of losing me. I’m happy that she cares, but I’m pissed that it takes her thinking I’m hurt to get her to finally come back, right when I was days away from going to get her.
So typically… Grace wouldn’t be Grace if she didn’t corrupt my well thought out plan to seduce her into coming back home with me.
Regardless that I stormed off on her, I already knew I’d make my way to her.
She wasn’t going anywhere, at least, not without me.
N.P.
It took forty-five minutes to get to Dad’s. I spent the entire drive rehearsing what I should say to him when I randomly show up for the first time since I left.
At least, Gus was happy. He jumped out of the Escape when I opened the door and started sniffing everything before he ran up on the porch and waited for me by the door. I didn’t knock, I just stepped on in. His truck was home.
I was taken by surprise when I saw the shape the house was in. The sink was overflowing with dirty dishes and take-out was everywhere. I heard Gus barking. “Gus?” Dad’s surprised voice came from the living room. I stepped back out of the kitchen and made my way to where he was. He saw me the same time I saw him. “Grace, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” he asked as he started picking up dirty plates and bottles in a rush.
I took in his unshaven face and tousled hair. He looked horrible to me. Dad was a man that was clean shaven and well-kept, he had been my whole life so it was weird to see him this way. Noah looked clean and groomed to perfection with his facial hair and while it suited him and added to his rugged looks, I couldn’t say the same about Dad. His case was completely different. He was letting himself go.
“Why because you want to hide how you’ve been living from me?” I asked as I snatched the empty bottles from his hand. “Just leave it, I’ll clean it up.”
“I can clean up after myself,” he started.
“I said I got it Dad,” I muttered, meeting his eyes with a stern look that told him I meant it. He backed away and ran his hand through his hair. “Why aren’t you at work?”
He sighed as he walked over to the couch and sat down. “I took the week off, I was actually coming to visit you for your graduation. I thought about it…then changed my mind at the last minute.”
I paused at the door. “Why didn’t you?”
“Couldn’t convince myself to go through with it,” he told me honestly.
I carried the trash I had in my hands to the kitchen to throw away but had to set it down on the counter so that I could empty out the trash can that was overfilled. Once that was done, I just grabbed a black bag and went back into the living room and started picking up.
My chest hurt. I hated this. Dad wasn’t this person, he wasn’t a slob, neither of my parents was. I leaned more on the slobbier side than they did. It made me wonder if maybe Dad hadn’t needed me to leave when I did but to stay. I couldn’t take back the four years I was gone, so much was left unsaid between us. This time apart made me stronger and I wasn’t afraid of his disappointed frown like I used to, which told me that leaving might not have been best for everyone, but it had been for me. I had grown, if you ignored the fact that it took Janet lying to get me back home but now that I was here, I realized how much I needed this.
I wanted my father back, even if he still looked at me in disappointment. He needed me and I realized that some part of him knew that or he wouldn’t have made plans to see me, even if he backed out on them. That was the most beautiful feeling I felt in a long time when thinking of my relationship with him.
Maybe we could learn to heal ourselves without Mom.
“Why do you look like that?” he asked me, staring at my sleeping clothes.
“Why do you look like that?” I countered back, and he just nodded, knowing he walked into that one. “Dad, why don’t you go get cleaned up and we’ll go visit Mom’s grave once I’m finished cleaning up?”
He got up. “I’ll help,” he said, and quickly added, “then we’ll go see her.”
We cleaned up in silence, not an uncomfortable one though. When we were finished, we both went our separate ways to clean ourselves up. I was stuck rummaging through my old clothes until I found something to wear. The clothes had a slight smell to them where they had been tucked away in my closet the last few years but I changed into a pair of shorts and tank top anyway.
I couldn’t help but nod my approval as Dad stepped out of his bedroom clean shaven and showered. “Much better,” I told him and he smiled slightly.
Dad took us to the cemetery in his truck, and I laughed at Gus most of the way there as he hung his head out of the window. Dad watched us from the corner of his eyes, and I thought I saw the crinkle of a smile appear on his face.
“Did you become a teacher because you wanted to, or because it was your mom’s career?” he randomly asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “A bit of both. I started out choosing education because of Mom but in the end, I stuck with it because I realized I enjoyed it.”
“You’re a lot like your mom,” he mumbled then looked at me. “A lot like me too, though, not that that’s a good thing.” I arched an eyebrow at him. “We’re both hard-headed and you’ve always gone after what you wanted just like I did with your mother when I first saw her… But now, you’re at a standstill.” I felt like his words were off, I was anything but still.
“I was offered a teaching job back in Kentucky,” I said softly.
“Are you going to take it?”
“I don’t know… What do you think?”
He exhaled. “Don’t make your choices on anyone else’s opinions, only your own. I thought I taught you that. It’s what you want, not what I or anybody else wants.”
Couldn’t he see that I wanted him to say that I could come home? That he wanted me to be here like I wanted to be here?
I looked out my window in disappointment. My chest tightened when we arrived, the thought of facing Mom in this way again brought back the sadness. Gus jumped out when I opened the door and he followed alongside Dad and I as we walked up the hill to Mom’s tombstone.
“We should have brought her flowers,” I mumbled to him once we were there.
He held his hands out and look around like he was thinking the same thing. “You’re right,” he added. We were both hopeless, I’d admit.
“Who brought those flowers?” I asked as I pointed to the fake flowers stuck into the ground. There were two different sets.
“I brought roses up here on her birthday last month, but I don’t know who brought those up here,” he told me, and I already knew who it might be. Dad saw my expression but didn’t comment on it.
“Do you think she’s disappointed in me?” I asked abruptly.
He stood still for a while. “Why would you ask that?”
“Because… I don’t remember ever being a good daughter.”
“If you were never a good daughter to us… then I was never a good husband or dad… But I happen to know that your parents never once thought of you as a bad daughter, you happen to be their entire world.” He wiped his hand across his mouth and stopped talking.
He couldn’t say things outright to me anymore, that was the way things had become between us… But what he just gave me was enough for me to show Mom a smile.
As we walked back down the hill, Dad asked again, “Why did you come back?”
I tightened my ponytail before I answered, “I thought Noah had been hurt.”
His eyes widened as he took in the news. “Well, is he okay?”
I smiled. “He’s fine, besides a broken finger.”
“Have you two kept in touch?”
“No, we didn’t.” I sounded depressed about it, and I was. I really hurt him this time, even though my goal had always been to break away from him, now that I was truly doing it, I couldn’t stand myself.
“And you came back early in the morning… without even changing out of your pajamas for Noah’s broken finger?”
I groaned. “I didn’t know anything,” I muttered, then sighed. “He’s stuck in here,” I pointed at my chest, “and he ain’t ever coming out. I can’t pull away from him completely.”
“If you loved him, you wouldn’t have been able to leave him like you did, would you?” he asked me.
“Oh.” I started laughing. “I love him, that’s always been the problem, I love him so much that it consumes me and I become reckless… That day, I begged her to let me see him, and of course, she agreed. I didn’t think she’d come to get me, not when she knew Noah was going to bring me home.”
“Stop, Grace,” he snapped. “Don’t bring up that night, don’t bring up the past, please.”
“Dad…” I met his eyes and hoped he saw my despair. “You blame me too, like I do myself, though!”
“What?” He genuinely seemed taken aback. “What are you talking about?”
“You blame me for having Mom out on the road that night, don’t you? That’s why you ignored me after she died and wanted me to leave the house?”
“Grace,” he uttered my name as he grabbed my shoulders. “Why would you even think that?”
“Because that night you told me she was coming to get me!” I yelled, tears burning my eyes.
He let go of me and brought his hands to his hair. “So… this change in you… you breaking up with Noah, all of it was because of what I said?” he asked in disbelief.
“Because my feelings for Noah always came first, and because of that, we lost Mom!” Dad looked seriously disturbed. “You distanced yourself from me because of it, how could I not feel guilty?”
“I want you to stop,” he told me. “If you’ve been living all this time feeling the way you have, your mom won’t ever forgive me, and I won’t be able to get back my relationship with my daughter.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I wish it were that easy, but I can’t just ignore this ugly feeling, not when Mom could still be here if I had just listened and stayed home and spent the weekend without Noah,” I hiccupped. “I need you to forgive me. I need Mom to forgive me. I need Noah not to love me anymore… But what if he already doesn’t? What am I going to do then?” I dropped to my knees and cried into them. Gus started whimpering and sticking his nose between my legs.
Dad pulled me up by my shoulders. “Let’s go home.”
On the drive home, I managed to pull myself together within seconds as if I hadn’t just broken down over the guilt that had been haunting me for the last few years. What was even worse was Dad’s lack of words. He still had nothing to say. I scooted up in the seat as we pulled into the driveway and spotted an old truck, my eyes moved toward the porch where Noah sat on the steps. He lifted his head up from between his knees when he saw us pull in.
“Looks like Noah,” Dad said.
I felt nervous. I thought he had been upset with me? He had every right to be… yet he was here. “Yeah,” I mumbled as I unbuckled and let Gus out.
“Why do you look so scared?” Dad asked me with a hint of a smirk I couldn’t decipher. He was just as hot and cold as I was.
“I’m not,” I huffed, low enough so that I couldn’t be heard by Noah. “I just don’t understand why he’s here…”
“He’s damn frustrating, that’s for sure,” Dad said with a sigh as he climbed out of the truck. “Noah knows what he wants and he gets it, he isn’t swayed… Which makes one wonder why he let the one thing he claimed to care about so much go? I wonder… is he gonna let you get away so easily this time?”
“Dad…” I mumbled.
“Go see what he wants,” he told me as he shut the door. I climbed out and followed behind him. Gus was on Noah’s lap and he stood up with him when we approached him.
“Hey, Steven,” Noah began, “it’s been a while.”
“Yeah, it has,” Dad agreed. “I heard you have your own garage now?”
Noah nodded, and my eyes widened as Dad’s words sunk in. “Garage?”
“Heard it had a real funny name, too,” Dad added with a smirk that I could have sworn looked like he was messing around with Noah.
“Ah, I don’t know about that,” Noah muttered quickly, eyeing me as he did.
“When were you going to tell me?” I asked to either of them.
“When you came home and saw it for yourself,” Noah retorted. I bit the inside of my cheek and sighed.
“Guess I’ll head inside and let you two talk,” Dad informed us.
“Wait,” Noah called out. “I was going to take Grace for food, how about you come with us?” Noah was so much braver than me to ask Dad out when it took me over five years just to ask him to go somewhere with me again. I also noticed how he said “take” instead of “ask” like I had no choice in the matter.
Dad smiled sadly and shook his head. “Y’all go on ahead,” and with those words, he walked inside hollering for Gus to come with him.
I crossed my arms when Dad left and even Noah dropped the good guy façade when it was safe. “What? I thought you were mad?” I couldn’t help but taunt him.
“Come on,” he muttered. “I’m starving.”
I turned and followed after him as he walked to his truck. “How is that my fault?” I studied the red Ford. “Where’s your Jeep?” I asked.
“Had to get a new one,” was his answer as he climbed inside.
I ran around to the other side and got in. “You mean, you had to trade it in for another beat up one?” I already liked his truck though, it only had one long seat… If we had been dating, if we were together, I could scoot over right now and link my arm with his as he drove. The idea was so tempting, I jerked the seatbelt over me and focused ahead.
“I don’t recall you ever having a problem with the Jeep,” he hummed.
“What are you over there thinking about?” I blushed.
He smirked. “You never made any comments about my Jeep before is what I mean. Why? What are you thinking about?”
“Where are we going?” I redirected the conversation to something safer.
“Ribs?” he offered and I simply nodded with a smile. As he pulled out of the driveway, he glanced over at me. “Grace.”
“Hmm?”
“Your cheeks are red,” he teased. “You’re still thinking about the Jeep?”
“Leave me alone,” I grumbled, looking out the window.
He laughed. “We can make new memories in this one.”
I turned my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but leave me out of it. Besides, you left earlier without even telling me goodbye, and now you show up and expect me to go eat with you?”
“You’re in my truck, you’re with me, ain’t you?” he grunted.
“Because I’m starving.”
“I was going to wait it out and let you come to me, Grace, and remembered that this is you I’m talking about. I couldn’t wait and let you leave town again.”
I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked down at my legs. “Are you seeing anyone right now?”
His eyes looked so soulful and earnest when he looked at me. I felt it breaking me down, pulling and tearing me apart, or open. “I promised, didn’t I?”
I looked ahead and fought the urge to touch my face as the emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn’t sit here and believe that this giant, beast of a man Noah had become hadn’t lain with anyone else since me. Did he really keep his promise when I told him not to wait for me? My chest felt like it might burst.
I felt hot. I mean, really hot. My face and stomach, my entire body was burning, completely aware of the man next to me.
“You’re always storming back into my life when I least expect it, just like when I saw you on the football field, and earlier at the hospital, you make me lose my damn mind,” he muttered, raking his fingers through his hair as he drove. “I’m so pissed that you’re only back because you thought I was hurt but not pissed enough.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re not running away,” he informed me.
“I have nothing to run from.”
He smirked. “Good.”
Despite our tempers with each other and Noah’s body mass, nothing had changed, yet everything had. I couldn’t explain it… or maybe I could, if it was even possible everything I felt for him was even more intense, so out there and around us, choking me with its presence like it refused to let me ignore it any longer. Even with the intensity, I still found the same comfort I always did when I was with him though. I propped my feet up in the window as I sucked the bones clean as we ate ribs in his truck. I didn’t know why we always chose to eat alone than going inside places, but this was what we preferred. The intimacy was still what I loved.
“I see you’re still a messy eater,” he noted as I slurped on my drink. I looked down at my barbecue fingers that were now all other the cup before glaring at him. “Have you been with anyone?” he asked abruptly.
I almost choked on my pop. I moved my legs and dropped them to the floor as I raised up. “I’ve dated…” I’ve been on one date. “Yeah, I’ve dated.” We would leave it at that. No need to let him learn the truth and piece together that he was still my only partner. I was too afraid of what might happen if he knew. I wanted him, I shouldn’t want him, I loved him, I thought my feelings could simmer into nothing, but that had been a mistake. Noah was my kryptonite, he made me weak and wild with his touches, but he was also the kindest, most loving human I’d ever met. He was the kind of person you strived to be and for some crazy reason, he loved me. I was the lucky girl that moved to the neighborhood and placed myself into his world without realizing how much I’d get in return… Something that beautiful, I’d wish on a billion stars to have it back without the guilt of Mom’s death looming over it.
“That’s good.” It felt like his eyes were caressing my skin. I broke into chills. “Now you know no one can love you like I can, no one can give you what we are when we’re together because that’s for you and me. Nobody belongs in our lives.”
I looked away and sucked in a shaky breath. It felt like a live wire in the truck, the tension between us was so thick and full of life that I knew I had as much as I could take of Noah for today before I did something that would break us more. I didn’t want to hurt him or me anymore. I needed to break free of what we had, and hope that when he finally let me go, I wouldn’t regret it.
Who was I kidding? I already regretted having to leave him with every fiber of my being. Regret was a long time best friend with my pal, Guilt, over the years. I was so used to both of them that their presence was so dim until these moments that shoved them in my face.
“Can you take me home?” I asked a little too shakily.
Just when I thought he might push me further, he didn’t. He started the truck up. “Yeah, as long as you don’t leave town.”
“I’m not leaving,” I told him, but when his eyes lit up and darkened over me, I felt like he misunderstood me.
What was even scarier, was the way I was almost begging him to end my guilt in some sort of way—any way.
Back and forth, back and forth, my brain and body decided for me. What a mess my mind was.