Grace age 16
Noah age 17
I realize I can be no different than any other guy. I can hurt a girl without knowing, without caring. I had sex with a girl for the first time and it wasn’t Grace, but the entire time I was above her, it’s Grace who I wonder about, it’s Grace that I miss and crave as I explore and map her body, learning all the ways that make her feel good, learning all the ways that I’ll do to Grace. Then I slept with her a few more times until she wanted more. She wanted what I already gave to someone else a long time ago. She knew where my heart stood when she came onto me, but she tried at my heart anyway, so she was left crying when I walked away without much feeling at all.
I tried to picture a life without Grace. I tried another body other than Grace, and it leaves me missing her more.
The only thing I find out is that I’m not a good guy unless it’s next to her.
I call up Grace’s mom once more…then I wait.
I wait… I wait while driving by her house, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I place myself where I might run into her sooner. I wait… but I’m losing patience.
N.P.
Dustin pulled his truck—that his parents paid for—into my driveway and when he turned the engine off, I groaned inwardly.
“Your parents aren’t home yet,” he said it like it was an invitation for him to come inside. He had passed his driver’s test over the summer and loved to show it off. I only had my permit because I was a bit nervous behind the wheel—okay, big-time nervous.
“Mom will be home anytime,” I told him in hopes that he’d stop looking over at me like that.
He didn’t. “Do you want me to come inside?” I was beginning to understand that most guys couldn’t read body signals or they just didn’t care. I could think of one boy that read me better than I read myself, but Dustin wasn’t him… But he had been my boyfriend for the past few weeks now. I finally gave into him after he truly seemed like he cared about me in some way. He even stopped flirting with other girls because I had told him I hadn’t believed him when he said he liked me because he was always dating someone. And I craved the idea of touching someone intimately. Kissing Dustin wasn’t that good at first but with time, I’d truly grown to enjoy the feel of his lips on mine. He was very handsy too but I made him keep it PG because I wasn’t ready. Maybe I wouldn’t be ready for anyone if they weren’t Noah. But I was giving into the idea and even seeing Dustin for the attractive guy he was, if only he wasn’t so pushy.
“No, I’d rather you didn’t,” I told him nicely. “Don’t you have football practice today?”
“Not ’til six.” He rubbed his head before looking over at me. “What made you want to start cheering again this year?” This was something he kept asking since I decided to go back on the cheer team the first of the school year. We would be cheering at their first game of the year this Friday. “You quit the year Noah moved.” I never told anyone that Noah didn’t exactly move, he was placed in a foster home somewhere, but maybe they knew and just pretended not to know. None of them knew his parents or that his mom passed away, only I did.
I looked down at my hands. “Yeah, that’s why. I always did like it and when I realized I only have two years left of high school, I decided to…”
“Be normal again?” He laughed and I shrugged my shoulders.
“If I’m honest, it was because Mom kept bugging me about it, saying ‘you won’t regret gettin’ back on the team but you will regret it if you let these moments pass you by’,” I mimicked her voice.
He chuckled. “I’m really glad you gave me a chance, Grace. I was beginning to think you were never going to get over Noah.”
I rubbed my eyes and smiled weirdly. “Yeah… Call me tonight, okay?” He pulled me in and kissed me.
His lips were against mine and I still dreamed of Noah.
Once inside, Gus attacked me at the door. “Hey, Gus.” They had been wrong about Gus being German Shepherd and Husky mixed, he obviously had one of the two in him but his growth was stunted to the size of a Chow Chow and his eyes that were once blue were now a gorgeous golden color. I rubbed his snout before he followed me into the kitchen. I pulled out Sunday’s leftovers from the fridge and peeked out the door to make sure Dustin was gone before opening the front door. “Come on, Gus, let’s go make sure he’s still alive this week.”
I tried to visit Noah’s dad, John, every week when Mom and Dad were both gone. They’d kill me if they knew I was taking him our leftovers occasionally.
The screen door was unlocked—like always—with the door wide open. I rolled my eyes when I saw him and the young man that had been frequenting his place lately passed out on the stained sofa. Gus rushed in when I opened the door and I covered my nose from the smell. Good Lord, how did it keep getting worse? “Wake him up,” I told Gus but even my poor dog was afraid to touch him or anything in the house. I set the leftovers down on the counter.
“John, wake up!” I yelled and startled the man next to him. His eyes were wide and alert until he saw it was me and fell back against the cushion.
“You again?” he blew.
I kicked John’s feet with my tennis shoes. “John!” His eyebrows twitched but otherwise, he didn’t stir. I looked over the coffee table at the needles and pill bottles lying across it. “What did he take this time?” I asked the other man.
Looking at it all just pissed me off. This was the reason I lost Noah. I brought my foot up and kicked everything onto the floor. “What the fuck are you doing?” the man yelled. Gus barked at him.
I glared. “He lost his son and his wife because of this shit!” I hissed and he settled back down on the couch. “He should show a bit of remorse!”
I went back outside and grabbed the mop bucket then went to the sink. “What are you doing?” He knew exactly what I was doing. I carried the bucket full of water and smiled as I poured the ice-cold water over John.
He spluttered and coughed and jumped up. “What the fuck?” he roared, then he saw me and he cursed some more.
“Your son’s girlfriend is here again and she’s pissed as always,” the man told John like he wasn’t standing there glaring at me.
“I’m not Noah’s girlfriend, I have a boyfriend now,” I told them as I grabbed the leftovers and stuck it in the microwave. Only it wouldn’t come on. I tried the plug. “John, your microwave is just about as useless as you are,” I said, and the other guy laughed. John wasn’t my dad, I didn’t have to be nice to him. I could say exactly what I thought and hoped that one day, my words would make a difference, the same way I had told Noah his would.
John sighed and moved next to me. “Move,” he barked and I did. After a lot of banging and cursing, it started up for him. A few minutes later, he was eating the food I brought.
“Have you tried to see if you can get the number to where Noah is staying?” I asked.
He snorted. “Yeah, like they are gonna let me have contact with him.” Then they both started laughing like it was funny.
“If you tried to get help and get your shit together, they’d let him come home!”
“Yeah, it looks like I’m trying to get my shit together,” John said, stretching his arms wide and they both chuckled again. “And ladies aren’t supposed to cuss.”
“Stop acting like you don’t care!” I snapped, kicking his coffee table and it was a piece of crap so I ended up breaking one of its legs. “I saw you try the first few weeks after he left.” I looked down at the broken table, feeling a little flushed with embarrassment.
“Aye, John, if we got an addiction problem then she’s got an anger issue, right?”
They both started laughing again.
“John, please, if not for you then try to get his contact information for me,” I said the same things every week and it never made a difference… yet. “I have to go, I’ll see you next week.”
“Don’t come back,” he said. “And stop letting that mutt in the house!”
“Come on, Gus,” I called to him. “And we’re coming back,” I promised.
“If you got a boyfriend, why you still trying to get in touch with Noah?” he surprised me by asking.
“Because no one compares to your son,” I told him the truth, and he surprised me with a genuine smile, one filled with pride. I walked out the door smiling because at least for a second, I could smile for Noah. Somewhere underneath his father’s addiction might lay a man that loved his son.