Grace age 10
Noah age 11
It’s the little things I notice about Grace. Like the way she blushes when you say the word kiss. I know she’s thinking of the video I showed her every time someone brings up the things she’s so desperate to forget.
I want to grow up already.
I need to be a bigger man than Dad so I can stop the hurt Mom does to herself. She thinks it feels good to fade away, but from the outside, I see that her addiction is slowly stealing everything from her.
I’m tired of shaking her body, wondering if I need to call the ambulance and hide while they come get her so they don’t know a kid lives here. I’m tired of being sick with fear that I’m going to lose someone that’s not even present in her own mind most of the time, let alone in my life.
I can’t give up on her. Not even Dad, who’s more present than she is, which is what makes it worse. He lets her go into the darkness, then follows her soon after. I wish I was an adult already. There are too many things that I need to be but can’t as a kid.
N.P.
Entering fifth grade was like stepping into a new world. Things began to shift in girls and boys. Girls were picking boys they liked and calling them “mine” or their “crush”, and boys were doing the same—of course, there were some that had always done this since the first grade but now it was openly discussed. Friends were running and confessing to their other friends. It could be very confusing. It’s amazing how fast someone could have a new crush every week in a repeated cycle.
I didn’t mind it though. Just one little part of this new world irked me. Girls were noticing Noah in a way that I had from the very beginning. Noah was still a jerk, as always, at school, but now girls seemed to crush on him even more because of it. He started playing football last year for the school. During football, Dustin’s parents always dropped Noah off from practice every day and after ballgames or he rode the bus for away games. I was bored a lot because of it so I had no choice… I signed up for cheerleading this year. My friends, Tiffany and Sara were already on the team, and they were so happy that I finally joined them. Although, they were a little suspicious as to why I suddenly wanted to join this year.
“It’s because of Noah, isn’t it?” Sara smiled, nudging my shoulder with a goofy grin. “It’s okay, we all have a crush on him so don’t be shy.”
“You have the best chance at being with him since you live next to him,” Tiffany added. “He’s so cute.” Tiffany started wearing lip gloss. It made me want to do the same.
“Why are you guys crushing on him?” I mumbled. “I thought you hated him?”
They both laughed. “How can you hate him now? Look at him,” Tiffany said, pointing her head toward the boys in the back of the room. Noah was one of them. He never wore the best clothes but for some reason, he just stood out from the rest. His blond hair was shaggier now and his blue eyes still shined bright. I placed my hand on my chest and looked back to them. “I’d kiss him!” Tiffany said a little too loudly while covering her face.
My face felt red. I must have been feeling the embarrassment for her. “Kiss?” I whispered. “Why do y’all keep bringing that stuff up all the time now? Cooties, remember?” In my mind, I was thinking back to the video Noah showed me. Kissing led to…
“Oh, come on, Grace,” Sara pushed my shoulder playfully and they were both laughing. “Don’t pretend you wouldn’t kiss Noah.”
My cheeks reddened. “I wouldn’t!” I told them.
The whole class heard us because Dustin laughed in the back of the room and said, “Hear that, Noah, Grace says she doesn’t want to kiss you.”
“Read. Not talk,” Mrs. Fleming, our teacher told the class.
Oh, my gosh. I was so embarrassed.
I dared to peek over my shoulder at them. Noah had his chin resting in his palm as he leaned over his desk staring my way. “Grace is afraid of stuff like kissing,” he said with an evil smirk.
The whole class laughed. I turned back around in my seat.
“Okay,” Mrs. Fleming stood up, “since you guys want to keep talking, I guess we’ll read together.” This time everyone groaned.
“Your face is so red,” Sara told me, almost like she pitied me.
Mom stayed at school planning and grading papers the evenings I had cheer practice, like today. We always practiced in the gym. Even though I didn’t get to spend time with Noah during practices, I knew I would get to cheer at all his games.
He was a pain at school but he was still the most fun to be with, and that made him my important person. Besides, I knew I was the only girl that he cared anything for. I didn’t want to kiss him or anything like the other girls, but I didn’t want him kissing anybody else either.
After practice, I hurried to Mom’s classroom at the “middle school” part of the school. We’d get her as a teacher next year. She was closing her door when I rounded the last corner. “I was heading your way,” she told me with a smile. “You ready?”
I nodded, grabbing my hands and squeezing them. “Let’s go see if Noah’s practice is over with. We can give him a ride so Dustin’s mom doesn’t have to.” I walked by her side down the hall. “Now that I’m on the cheer team, we can just wait on him the days we have practice on the same days.”
She gave me a weird smile. “Oh,” Mom dragged the word out with a laugh. “Now it makes total sense.”
“What?” I looked up at her, still fidgeting with my fingers.
“You wanted to cheer so you can cheer for Noah?” Mom bent down and smiled all goofy in my face.
I smiled and pushed her away by her shoulder. “Mom, stop, no. Not exactly… just got boring last year with him gone all the time because of his sports.”
She nodded. “Come on, let’s go see if he’s still outside.”
He was. They were walking off the field as we walked through the parking lot. Dustin saw us first and tapped Noah’s shoulder. The thought of Dustin running his mouth to everyone made me a little nervous.
Noah raked his hand through his sweaty hair self-consciously before holding it up to tell Dustin to give him a minute. Dustin nodded but watched us the entire time.
He messed with his hair again once he stopped in front of us. Mom looked at me like she expected me to ask him but for some reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about the classroom incident earlier. He looked at me. “Hey, y’all looking for me?” He shook his head quickly. “Did I do something wrong…”
Mom laughed. “Noah, stop worrying.” He finally smiled and relaxed. “We came to see if you wanted to ride home with us, right Grace?” He looked at me again and I smiled.
“Yeah, I just got out of practice too,” I told him.
He messed with his hair again while looking down. “Yeah, let me go tell Dustin.” He took off running. He grabbed his backpack on the bench after telling him, it felt like he was getting the stink-eye from Dustin as he made his way back over to us.
I normally sat in the front seat with Mom on the way home, but I hopped in the back with Noah instead. I caught Mom’s eyes in the rearview mirror, and she was grinning again. I ignored her, though. Noah and I were always together. Why was she acting like things were different?
Noah pulled a water from his backpack and drank half of it. “Do you want a drink?” he offered.
I wasn’t thirsty but I was happy that he offered so I said, “Yeah,” and he handed me the drink. Once I handed it back, he immediately took another drink. His lips lingered for a while before he covered his mouth with his hand. His cheeks looked a little red, and there was something sheepish about his smile as he looked ahead.
“What are you up to Noah?” I asked right away.
He shrugged his shoulders.
He chose not to answer me until we were walking side by side inside the house. He made sure Mom was several feet away before leaning over and whispering into my ear, “You said you didn’t want to kiss me, Priss, but you just gave me an indirect one.”
He tapped his empty water bottled and laughed. He went on ahead of me.
My cheeks were hot. Noah made me feel funny that day.
I guess it wasn’t funny… more like a small burst of warmth spread through me.
Was Noah changing, or was I?