Chapter Fourteen
LIZZIE LAY IN Blue’s arms beneath the stars, his body safely cocooning her. Guilt washed over her with every gust of wind off the sea. She’d come there to confess her secret, and instead she’d told him she loved him. She did love him, but that wasn’t the secret she needed to tell him. How could she reveal the truth now and risk what they had when she loved him so much that she physically ached inside as she tried to weed through the guilt that was pulling her from his arms?
“Are you cold?” He reached for her shirt and helped her put it on.
“A little.” She dressed quickly, struggling to figure out how she had allowed herself to get in so deep. When he’d been telling her how he felt, what he wanted to do with her, talking about a future, their future, she could picture it all. For a while, the webcast disappeared, like it had never existed. And she’d allowed herself to hang on to the fantasy and hang on to her love for him.
“Stay with me tonight,” he said as he buttoned his jeans.
“I want to, but I can’t.” She felt on the verge of tears, needing to tell him the truth. She would never forgive herself if she went home without telling him, no matter how much it would kill her to do it.
“Blue, we need to talk.”
He pulled his shirt over his head, and his eyes turned serious. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you. It’s too soon.”
He reached for her, and she fell into the comfort of him. This was just like him, taking the blame without even knowing what she wanted to talk about. It would be so easy to quit the webcast and pretend it had never existed, but she couldn’t do that to Maddy.
“It’s not that. I’m on the exact same page with my feelings for you. I love you, more than I ever imagined possible.” She hated hearing the fear in her voice. Her throat thickened, and she swallowed hard to try to regain her courage.
“Lizzie, what’s wrong?” He lifted her chin, and tears sprang from her eyes. “Sweetheart?” He folded her in his arms and ran a soothing hand down her back. “You can talk to me. Whatever it is can’t be that bad.”
She pulled back, breathing hard. “I…” I can’t do this. I have to do this. Oh gosh. Why did I ever start the stupid webcast?
Because I had no choice.
She swiped angrily at the tears streaming down her cheeks. She needed to do this. Blue deserved the truth.
“I need to tell you something, and I don’t want to. I want to go home and pretend I never came over.”
“This sounds serious.” He released her, and she suddenly felt very alone.
“I think it is.” I wish it weren’t. She could barely concentrate past the fear rushing through her and the sound of her heartbeat in her ears. She was unwilling to meet his gaze and unable to turn away. She didn’t know where to start. Should she tell him the whys of it all or start with the worst part and tell him what she did twice a week? Did it matter which she led with when the end result would be the same?
She could run to her car—drive away without saying another word. Then tomorrow she could try to pretend the whole thing had never happened—that she hadn’t been meaning to tell him and chickened out. The pain of knowing what she was about to reveal nearly dropped her to her knees. What happened to the levelheaded woman she’d been? How could she have let her heart get so tied up in him when she knew she had a secret that wasn’t fair to keep from the man she loved?
And she did love him, regardless of how fast it had happened. It was real and present and all around her, in the ache coursing through her and the worry rolling off of him in waves.
“Okay. I’m listening,” he said, his devastatingly sexy and serious eyes locked on her.
“Before I tell you, I need you to know that my intent was not to deceive you.”
BLUE’S GUT FISTED, and every nerve instantly caught fire. Nothing good could possibly follow those words. Deceive was a dangerous word, and not one he’d expected to hear from Lizzie. Despite the uncertainty he heard in her voice, he reached for her again, unable and unwilling to turn his feelings off based on one sentence.
“Come here, sweetheart. As I said, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” She went rigid beneath his touch, and when she finally met his gaze again, he knew that whatever it was, it was tearing her up inside.
“Oh, it might be,” she said with a shaky voice. She inhaled another ragged breath, and her eyes dampened again.
In an effort at self-preservation, he released her, trying to calm his own internal struggle of wanting to hope for the best but, taking in the confusion and sadness in her eyes, fearing the worst.
“I don’t know where to start, so I’m just going to tell you.”
“Okay.” Every second felt interminable.
“I do a webcast every week, and I’m not proud of it, or maybe I am a little, but not really, but I do it anyway, and I should have told you.” She paused, swallowing hard.
Blue hardly ever used the Internet, but he wasn’t a novice. “A webcast? Is that like a podcast?” What the heck was she talking about, and why was this deceiving him?
“Sort of. It’s basically a video show that I do twice a week.”
“Okay. And?”
She fidgeted with a fraying thread on the blanket as she spoke in a low and serious voice. “It’s a baking show, one I started in college.”
He was totally confused. What was wrong with baking?
“I…um…earn money by monetizing the videos. You know, the longer people watch, the more money I earn from my partner programs.”
“I don’t know anything about video monetization, Lizzie, but how is this deceiving me? I don’t care if you do baking videos. Is that why you leave me muffins and sweets in the mornings?” He reached for her hand.
She nodded, and a tear slipped down her cheek, ripping right through his heart. He gathered her in close again, pressing one hand to the back of her head. “I don’t understand. Why are you so upset? So you make baking videos. What am I missing?”
She pushed back, and he could see she was holding her breath.
“Breathe, baby.” He squeezed her hand.
“I…I don’t just make baking videos.” She shifted her eyes away. “I’m the Naked Baker—” Sobs burst from her lungs, and she covered her face.
His mind reeled with confusion as he tried to wrap his head around what she’d said. “Naked Baker? You bake naked? Online? For money?” Holy sh…
She shook her head. Thank goodness he’d misunderstood.
“I wear an apron that covers my chest and down below. And heels.” She wiped her eyes with her forearm, still looking away.
“An apron?” He couldn’t even begin to process what she was saying. Too many emotions surged through him. “What else?” He was breathing hard, and his chest burned. A measly apron and heels?
“Nothing,” she whispered.
“Nothing, as in you wear only an apron and heels?”
She barely nodded. If he hadn’t been watching her so intently, he might have missed it. “Well, a flesh-colored thong.”
“So, anyone who watches these videos can see your butt?” He didn’t mean to bark at her, but he felt blindsided, like she’d taken his trust and stomped on it, just like Sarah Jane.
“They don’t,” she snapped. “I’m careful with the angles.”
He paced. “You’re careful with the angles? Come on, Lizzie, what does that mean? Why would you do this? You have a great floral business.”
“I needed money when I was in college and—”
He felt sick to his stomach and held up his hand, silencing her. “You’ve been doing this since college and you never thought to mention it to me before? Before we made love? Before I opened my heart up to you?”
“Don’t you see, Blue? That’s why I kept turning you down when you asked me out, and telling you I wasn’t good for you. I knew it wasn’t fair of me to keep it from you, or to ask you to accept it.”
He ran a hand through his hair, then fisted his hands, trying to squeeze the frustration from himself. “Don’t tell me any more. Please.”
He stared at her, trying to reconcile the things she’d told him to the woman he knew her to be. The look in her eyes was gut wrenching, the pain in his heart, unbearable. His mind reeled back a decade, to the night he’d walked in on Sarah Jane with that other guy.
He looked at Lizzie, unable to believe what she was saying. How could this possibly be? Did everyone in this crazy world lie?
Lizzie’s tears stopped. Her chin rose, and she squared her shoulders, determination settling in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to deceive you, Blue. It’s not like I’m selling my body. I did what I had to do. If you’ll just let me explain.”
He narrowed his eyes, and when he spoke his voice was stone-cold, colder than he’d ever felt. “I can’t listen to an explanation right now, Lizzie. I need time to process this. I love you, but you did deceive me, whether you meant to or not. That is what it is.” He paused, trying to temper the acidic burn in his throat. The taste of the vile truth. “But the worst part is, you deceived yourself—and it sounds like you still are.”