Chapter Nineteen
BLUE DID A week’s worth of work in one day in Lizzie’s kitchen. He loved her so much. How could he have thought that he could work around her things all day, smell her perfume, walk the same floors she walked, without that love blooming bigger, digging deeper? He had to get past his issues with this Naked Baker thing, because nothing was worth losing Lizzie.
Hadn’t he lied to her, too, when he’d said he wanted to be the man she trusted with her secrets? Obviously he’d done a lousy job of being a stand-up boyfriend. She’d opened herself up to him with courage and conviction. She’d trusted him—and only him—the same way she had on their date when she’d told him that she needed him to be strong, because she knew she couldn’t be. And he’d been too wrapped up in anger and hurt to see her confession for what it was.
Now, as he finished leveling the oven, he realized what else he’d been too blinded by his own emotions to recognize. She’d been going through all this alone this whole time. She’d worked at night to pay off her debts and help Maddy without any support from anyone. She’d kept it a secret, and while that might have been wrong in his eyes, who was he to judge her? She was stronger than anyone he knew. She’d needed a solution, and she’d done just what she’d said. She’d figured it out. Alone. Without the support of friends or family. Or him.
He’d acted like a jackass, and they had a lot to work through. He had a lot to work through. He still wasn’t sure he could deal with knowing strangers watched her in those sexy videos. He wasn’t even sure if he could handle his family and friends finding out she made them. He was jealous, and that realization made him feel even more like a jerk. He didn’t matter now. What mattered was apologizing to Lizzie and letting her know that she wasn’t alone anymore—something he should have done the moment she’d told him. But he was only human.
Blue was gathering his tools when Lizzie came through the kitchen door later that evening. Her jeans were torn at the knee, and she had dirt all over her hands and streaked across her cheeks. His heart squeezed at the sight of her, and his protective urges sent him rushing to her side.
“What happened?” He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss away the pain and loneliness he saw in her eyes, but knew he shouldn’t. Instead, he ran a dish towel under warm water to clean her up.
“I slipped on the hill at the cemetery when I was dropping off flowers.” She toed off her dirty shoes and dropped her flower tote to the floor.
He tried to concentrate on wiping the dirt from her cheek instead of on the sadness in her eyes, but his heart was aching too badly after everything they’d said to each other. He felt sick over their situation and all the hurtful things he’d said and the way she’d so forcefully told him that she regretted being close to him. Now, standing so near, cupping her cheek in one hand as he cleaned her face and saw all the emotions he’d been wondering if she still felt, he could barely hold his feelings back. He wanted to drop to his knees and apologize a hundred times over, but she obviously needed help right now.
“Are you hurt?”
“No, just annoyed.” She reached for the towel and rested her hand over his. “You don’t have to…”
“I want to.” Their eyes held, heat filling the space between them, despite the harshness of their earlier argument. She was already too big a part of him to let the fissure between them grow any bigger. But for the first time in his life, Blue felt unprepared. He had no idea how to get from this terrible place they’d landed back to where they belonged. He finished wiping her face and knelt to check out her knee, taking a moment to regroup.
“Your jeans are torn pretty badly.”
“They’re old. It’s okay.”
“You’re bleeding.” He held her calf, wishing desperately he could take back the hurtful things he’d said and they could start over and deal with this before they started dating. Maybe then it wouldn’t feel like such a betrayal. But even that didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was taking care of Lizzie, and if by some miracle, she’d forgive him for his reaction, then he’d make sure she never felt alone again.
He wiped the blood from her knee, and tried to gain control of his emotions as desire to hold her filled him again. He finally rose to his feet and met her gaze.
“You should change so we can clean up your cut.”
Her lips parted as if she was going to say something, but he had so many things he wanted to say first that he cut her off.
“Lizzie.” He couldn’t resist touching her cheek, brushing his thumb over her jaw. “I’m sorry I said all those things to you. I had no right to judge you or to make you feel bad for what you’re doing. I love you so much, and you trusted me, but I was too blind to see it.” Her lower lip trembled, and he stepped in closer. “I don’t know where we go from here, but I miss you. I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
She dropped her eyes. “Blue—”
He lifted her chin. “We don’t have to talk about it right now. We’ll just end up arguing, and I don’t want that. I just need this. I need to be close to you. Even if only for a few minutes. I need you to know I love you and to know how truly sorry I am for everything I said.”
She pressed her lips together and nodded, as if she needed him, too. And when she walked into his open arms, it felt like she’d come home.
“You smell so good, Lizzie.” He slid his hand to the nape of her neck and gazed into her eyes. “You feel like you’re still mine, and I know I have no right to even think that way.”
She lifted one shoulder.
“I hate myself so much for overreacting. I was hurt, but I understand now, and I feel like I betrayed you by saying I would be here for you and then wasn’t.” He cringed inwardly as that last bit of truth left his lips. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
He touched his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, breathing her in, hoping, praying she’d give him another chance. “Can you ever trust me again? Do you miss me at all, or did I ruin us?” he whispered.
“I…” Her whisper faded, and her hands clutched his waist. “Blue.” Her fingers dug into his skin through the fabric of his shirt, and she had that wanting look in her eyes, as if she, too, knew that their being close wouldn’t help, but she needed it as badly as he did.
“I know it won’t fix anything, but I so desperately want to kiss you.”
She nodded, the slightest of movements. She went up on her toes, as she’d done so many times before, and he lowered his lips to hers. The first touch sent a shock of awareness through him—chased by a wave of guilt. Her mouth was warm and tender, and when she pushed away, confusion in her eyes, he feared he’d made things worse.
“Blue,” she said sharply, covering her mouth with a shaky hand. “We can’t. You can’t kiss me. We’ll never make sense of this.”
“I’m sorry. I thought you wanted it, too. I can’t help it. I just feel so much for you.” He took a step away, rubbing a knot at the back of his neck. “I’m confused by everything.”
“So am I, but this isn’t going to help.” She took a step back.
Her words, her actions, told him to stay back, but the look in her eyes had him closing the distance between them again. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, could only feel, and there was no way he could let her walk away.
She stared up at him with defiance in her eyes. When she grabbed his shirt and tugged him into a savage kiss, his thoughts reeled away. Their bodies smoldered together like melted metal. His emotions soared and skidded, spiraling out of control as his hands moved roughly over her hips.
“You said no,” he said between kisses.
“I didn’t mean it. I need you, too.” She sealed her mouth over his. “Touch me. Kiss me.”
Lizzie grasped at his chest, his arms, seeking purchase anywhere she could as he lifted her into his arms. She angled her mouth, allowing his to slant over hers and deepen the kiss. Setting her on the counter, he stood before her, searching her beautiful face for regret—but there was only love and desire looking back at him.
“I love you, Blue, and I’m so sorry,” she said breathlessly.
Her eyes turned dark and lustful and she crashed her mouth to his in another possessive, fierce kiss.
“I want you more than I want to breathe,” he admitted in a heated growl. “But if any part of you thinks this might not be right, tell me no. Tell me you don’t want me, Lizzie, and I’ll step back.”
“I want you, Blue.” She answered so fast it took him a second to realize he hadn’t dreamed it.
He scooped her into his arms again, devouring her mouth as he carried her into the bedroom, telling himself he could do this. He could love her and make love to her and still give them both space to figure everything out.
INSIDE LIZZIE’S HEAD a war was taking place, a battle between her undeniable love for Blue and her unwillingness to give up her convictions. She knew she shouldn’t have made love to him, knew it wouldn’t solve anything, but she’d needed to be in his arms again. And now, as a sated smile graced his beautiful mouth, she didn’t regret their lovemaking one bit.
“Lizzie,” he whispered. “I can’t stay away from you.”
Her entire body relaxed. She hadn’t lost him forever. Thank heavens. Did he know that everything he did and said had the power to slay or elate her? Did he realize that as badly as what he had said to her hurt it had also opened her eyes? Did he know she loved him more than she thought possible? That she couldn’t stay away from him, either? She should tell him all those things, but she didn’t want to talk, couldn’t afford to have another blowup about what she was doing with her life. She wanted—needed—to revel in their closeness for a while longer.
“Can we pretend, for just five minutes, that this is our life? That this is where we are?” she pleaded.
His eyes closed, and she thought he was going to plunk her down on her feet and tell her she needed to grow up, but he tightened his arms around her, silently holding her and not asking for a darn thing.
“Let me draw you a bath,” he said sweetly.
A nagging reminder sounded off in the recesses of her mind. She needed to film her show tonight.
That could wait.
A bath sounded lovely.
Being with Blue was lovely.
I just want to pretend we’re okay for a little while longer.
Blue led her into the bathroom, where he lit the candles that she kept on the windowsill and filled the bath with heavenly smelling bubbles. He touched her shoulder as he moved from one task to the next, smiling lovingly, as he helped her into the tub.
“Be careful. Your knee might sting.”
He was still so caring, despite how hurt and upset he was, and that touched her deeply. She knew Sky was right, that despite her convictions, the webcast was a lot for a guy to accept. She held on to his hand and sank beneath the bubbles. When he stepped away, she tightened her grip. “Please stay?”
He sat on the edge of the tub and reached for a washcloth.
“With me.” She shifted her eyes to the tub. “Please?” She scooted forward, and he stepped in behind her, placing a leg on either side of her as she settled her back against his chest.
She’d never felt anything as luxurious as being loved by Blue.
“Lizzie,” he whispered against her ear, and then, as if he was at a loss for words, he kissed her shoulder.
Her heart tugged at the emotions winding around them.
He soaped the washcloth and gently bathed her arms. With one arm around her waist, he washed her shoulders, her breastbone, tending to her carefully, whispering about how much he loved her and how sorry he was. He trailed kisses along her shoulder, and when he stopped washing her and wrapped both arms around her waist, resting his head against her cheek, she heard him breathing deeply, as if he were so thankful for this time together.
She had the feeling neither of them knew where to go from here, and she didn’t want to break the spell of this closeness. She needed this, needed him. Gosh, how long had she needed him? A year was a long time to fight her feelings, and she knew, as he turned her in his arms and gathered her in close, her knees pressed to her chest as he wrapped his arms around her, that she’d been doing just that. She had no fight left in her. It was exhausting to defend herself and exhausting trying not to feel and not to love. Almost as exhausting as living a lie.
“I’m so sorry, Lizzie. I know we don’t want to talk about it, but I hate what I said to you. I can’t claim that I’ve come to grips with what you do, but I will never again say anything hurtful. I want so badly to be part of your life. I just need to figure out how to get past all of this.”
She wanted to beg him to try, but she’d done enough of that already. He was being as honest as a person could be. Hadn’t he always been honest with her even before they’d started dating? Blue hid nothing from her. He gave, and gave, and gave some more.
“It’s okay,” she finally managed, feeling anything but okay. She didn’t know how to do this either. She’d never felt so much for anyone, and if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that she didn’t want those feelings to go away.
He kissed her temple and tightened his hold. “No, it’s not okay. My heart aches because of what I’ve said and how I’ve acted. I want to be a man who can step back and let everything roll off my back, but that’s just not who I am. But I’m willing to try. I want to try. I love you so much. For you I’d do anything.”
“I don’t want you to be that man, Blue. I want you to be who you are, not someone who ignores his true feelings.” She rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. “We’re at a crossroads, and I’m not sure which way to go.”
He held her until the water chilled and the bubbles dissipated; then he wrapped her in a towel and carefully dried her off before tending to himself. They dressed in silence, and then Blue reached for her again like it was the most natural thing in the world, despite the sadness that welled in his eyes. Lizzie didn’t want him to leave, and she knew what she was about to ask might be met with anger, but she had to try. He was obviously trying. He was trying so darn hard.
Within the safety of his arms, she said, “I have to tape my show tonight.”
She felt him hold his breath.
“Stay with me?” she asked, knowing he probably wouldn’t.
He drew back and gazed into her eyes with confusion and discomfort, and, miraculously, with undeniable love. “I don’t think I can. I’m not there yet.”
She nodded, feeling the sting of rejection all the way to her toes.