Chapter Eighteen
LIZZIE WAS SHAKING so badly after Blue left that it had taken her an hour just to leave the kitchen. So much of what he’d said had been true—she was rationalizing, and if her family and friends knew what she was doing, they would be hurt, ashamed, and embarrassed by it, too. But, right or not, she stood firm in her convictions. Not everyone had it easy or made preferable choices in life. Not that she thought of herself as being underprivileged or forced into doing what she’d done, but if she had to do it again, she would. There were things she’d do differently, like tell Blue about it before they got in so deep, but she still would have taken the same path. It was an embarrassing thing to do, but it was a means to an end.
She sat on the floor in the living room staring up at the painting they’d made the other night, futilely trying to weed through her tangled emotions. Was she being stubborn? Should she stop doing the show and plead for Blue to come back to her? She felt empty, depleted of all the goodness they’d shared. The hole he’d left when he’d walked out the door might never heal. How could love hurt so much?
She always did the right thing. Always.
Didn’t she?
Blue’s words sailed painfully through her mind. Someone who’s proud of what they’re doing doesn’t lie about it to the people who love them.
He was one hundred percent right, and she hated that. She forced herself to her feet and went into her bathroom to get a grip on herself. Why was it that when a woman cried it affected every ounce of her being? Her eyes and nose were pink and puffy, and her hair was all over the place, as if she’d been out in a windstorm. She brushed her hair and washed her face, forgoing any makeup, because she was sure she wasn’t done crying.
She packed up her laptop and headed out to the car, determined to fix the things Blue was right about. She had been rationalizing, saving herself embarrassment, by not telling Sky about what she was doing. Of all people, Sky would understand. She was not only her closest friend, but she hadn’t grown up with a silver spoon in her mouth.
Lizzie started her car as Blue’s truck pulled up to the curb. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, not at all ready for another confrontation. She pushed her broken heart out of her throat, got out of her car, and stomped over to him, determined to stand strong.
“What else could you possibly have to say?” she asked with a stoic stare.
“I promised to finish the work. I’m here to do that.” He got out of the truck, and the sadness in his eyes made her heart ache. He reached for her, and she bristled.
“Lizzie, please. This is hard for both of us.”
She didn’t even try to respond, knowing she’d cry if she did, and when he tugged her in close and wrapped his strong arms around her, the urge to melt into him was overwhelming. There was no stopping the tears that fell from her eyes. Blue’s comfort felt too good.
“I love you too much to walk away from us,” he said with such tenderness to his voice that it tugged at her to tell him the same. “I don’t want to be the kind of couple who ends things in a fury, Lizzie. That’s not us. We just need to talk, so we can both come to grips with our feelings and figure out where we go from here.”
He felt too safe, but he wasn’t safe, not the kind of safe she needed.
“You once told me that you’d never get enough of kissing me, and I told you that I’d never regret being close to you.” She forced herself to meet his apologetic gaze. His lips were so close, and she knew if she went up on her toes and pressed her mouth to his, he’d kiss her back, despite his misgivings, despite what happened between them. She wanted that kiss so badly she could taste it, but that wasn’t good enough, and she knew in her heart it wouldn’t solve a thing.
“I’m sorry, Blue, but right at this second, I do regret it. It hurts. Every time I look in your eyes, every time you touch me, it brings back the things you said to me.” She paused, biting back the urge to cry. She pushed from his chest on shaky legs.
“Lizzie, I have so much more to say. Can we please just talk about this?”
“No. I can’t talk about it, not right now. I know that you feel like I did this to you, but despite what it looks like, I didn’t do this to you. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but that wouldn’t have changed what I’ve done or what I will continue to do for Maddy.” Before she broke down in tears, she said, “I have to go.”
She ran to her car, holding her breath the whole way, and sped down the street and around the corner, where she pulled over and slammed the car into park—and finally let go in an endless stream of gulps and sobs. She cried for having kept her secret for so long and for the look in Blue’s eyes when she’d told him, and she cried for the parents she wished she’d had and for the reality that no matter how much she wished her life could be different, this was the hand she was dealt.
An hour later she stood at the back door of Sky’s tattoo shop clutching her laptop and feeling like a drowned rat. If she hadn’t known she looked like death, the look in Sky’s eyes as they rolled over her would have been a dead giveaway.
“Holy cow. What happened to you?” Sky pulled her into a comforting embrace, and for a moment Lizzie allowed herself to soak in that comfort.
After the way Sky had reacted to finding out about Blue asking her out, she didn’t expect a warm welcome of any kind once she revealed what else she’d kept from her. But there was no way she’d let anyone think she was doing the wrong thing.
Sky tried to usher her inside. “Come sit down with me.”
Lizzie shook her head. “Can we talk for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure.” Sky held her by the shoulders and searched her eyes. “Are you okay by yourself for a minute while I lock the front door?”
Lizzie nodded and waited nervously for Sky to return. When she did, they sat in silence on the back stoop. The afternoon sun beat down on them but did nothing to quell the chill running through Lizzie’s heart.
“Sky, I think Blue and I broke up.”
Sky folded her into her arms. “Oh, no. Lizzie, no wonder you look like hell. What happened?”
“It’s my fault.” Tears sprang from her eyes as she pulled out of Sky’s arms. “I didn’t tell him about something I should have.”
Sky reached for Lizzie’s hand. “Tell me what happened. I’m sure whatever it is, you guys will get through this.”
Lizzie shook her head. “I’m not so sure. And I’m not sure you’ll forgive me either.”
“Forgive you?” She let out a little laugh. “What do you mean? You didn’t cheat on Blue, did you? Because you’re right; I might not forgive you for that. He’s my friend, too.”
She shook her head again. “I haven’t been with anyone else.” This was much harder than she’d thought it would be. Her chest tightened up as she tried to figure out what to say.
“Then what could I ever not forgive you for?”
She opened her mouth to blurt it out, but no words came. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “Shoot. This is so hard.”
Sky gathered her in close again. “Lizzie, you can tell me anything.”
“No. No, I can’t. People say that, but they don’t really mean it. It’s like when someone says they’ll love you forever, and you think they really will. Only you don’t think through all the conditions that go along with that love.”
“Okay, slow down.” Sky held her by the shoulders again. “Slow down and clue me in, because you’re not making sense and you’re scaring me a little.”
Lizzie inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. “Remember when you asked about how I started my business, and I said I took out loans?”
“Sure.”
“I didn’t exactly take out loans.” She nibbled on her lower lip, folding and unfolding her hands. “I had enough money to open it outright.”
“Okay.”
She averted her eyes, looking at the ground, at her hands, anywhere but at Sky. “I do a webcast that I’ve monetized, and that’s how I paid for my shop and my school loans. And Maddy’s tuition and books.”
“A webcast? Well, that’s good, right? I mean if you’re earning enough to do all those things, why didn’t you just tell me? Were you worried I’d be jealous?”
She lifted her eyes to Sky’s. “No. I knew you’d never be jealous, but I’ve been ashamed by the type of show it is.”
“Are we talking porn?” Sky’s eyes widened with the possibility.
Lizzie shook her head. “No. I’ve got clothes on. Just not many.” She opened her laptop and laid it on Sky’s lap. She’d already queued up one of the Naked Baker videos.
“The Naked Baker?” Sky’s jaw gaped. “Holy cow, Lizzie.”
Lizzie buried her face in her hands. “I’m not naked. Just watch five minutes of it—you’ll get the idea.” She turned away as Sky clicked play. When her voice sounded, it felt foreign to her. She could clearly hear the difference between the put-on sensuality on the video and the real emotions that accompanied the things she’d said to Blue when they were intimate—the things that came straight from her heart.
A minute later Sky closed the laptop. “I can’t watch any more,” she said softly.
Lizzie waited for Sky to give her a hard time, and when she said nothing, and gently placed a hand on Lizzie’s shoulder, it pulled more tears from her eyes.
“Did Blue see these?”
Lizzie nodded without turning to face her.
Sky wrapped her arms around her from behind and rested her cheek against her back. “It’s gonna be okay.”
It was all Lizzie could do to shake her head as more tears fell.
“It really will be okay,” Sky reassured her.
Lizzie turned in to Sky’s embrace, and she cried on her friend’s shoulder. She was at no loss for reasons for her tears. She cried for keeping the truth hidden from everyone she loved, she cried for the demeaning things she’d done to earn money, and she cried for the man she’d never meant to hurt. And then, when she thought she’d cried all the tears she could possibly shed, she leaned back and looked into Sky’s eyes and she cried for the friendship she truly, desperately needed and the woman she hadn’t been fair to.
“You don’t hate me?” she asked.
“Hate you? You didn’t do anything to me, other than not trust me with your sexy little secret. No, I don’t hate you.” She wiped Lizzie’s tears away and smiled. “In fact, I think I love you even more knowing you’re not the Goody Two-shoes you appear to be.”
They both laughed at that. Lizzie swiped at her tears, thankful that she hadn’t lost her best friend, too. “I’m sorry, Sky. I’m sorry I lied to you about everything, including Blue asking me out. I’m so sorry.”
“Shh. It’s okay.” She pressed her hand to the laptop. “So Blue saw the videos? How many are there?”
Lizzie closed her eyes as she answered. “Two per week since my sophomore year of college.” She opened her eyes, and Sky’s hand was covering her mouth.
“Oh, Lizzie. And he…what? What happened?”
She filled Sky in on what happened with Blue and felt the weight of the world fall from her shoulders. She hadn’t realized how much effort it took to keep her secret.
“I’m going to tell my family this weekend when I see them.”
Sky touched her hand. “I don’t know if I’d do that. Your parents definitely won’t be cool with this.”
“I know, but Blue’s right. I’m hiding this from the people I love most, and while I’m embarrassed by it, I don’t really believe they’d turn me away because of it.” She wasn’t as confident as she sounded, given her staunch upbringing, but saying aloud that they wouldn’t gave her a kernel of hope.
“Lizzie, Blue doesn’t know your parents like I do. I think he’s wrong to push you to do that, and I think you know that.”
“He didn’t push me. He just opened my eyes.” She reached for her laptop. “I want to show you something else.” She pulled up the email she’d read the other night before leaving the shop and opened the query from the Food Channel Network, then turned the computer so Sky could read it.
“It sounds like they want to turn it into a cable show,” Sky said excitedly. “The Naked Baker on television? Oh my gosh! What are you going to do?”
She shrugged. “There isn’t exactly anything to do yet. It’s an inquiry, probably just a form letter or something. I haven’t even had time to think about it. Besides, it’s not really a possibility. I mean, a webcast is one thing, but doing that as a full-time job? Giving up my shop? Moving away from the Cape to wherever they’d want to film it? No way. That was never my plan. It’s one email. Who knows what they really want, but if they do want to make it into a show, I can’t see how it’s something I could even consider.” With all of her relationships being put to the test, that email was the least of her concerns.
“Does Blue know?”
“No. It would just add pressure to an already untenable situation.” Not to mention that she’d told him that she regretted being with him, which wasn’t really true. She regretted not being with him, but hurt had twisted her thoughts.
“Lizzie, he’ll come around. This is a lot for a guy to come to grips with. Guys are possessive. I know Sawyer would have a hard time with it, and can you just imagine what my brothers would do if they found out I was doing something like that? I’d be banished to a high tower under lock and key. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but guys are funny about that stuff.”
Lizzie’s shoulders slumped. “Is it really that much to come to grips with? I mean, obviously I knew in my heart that no guy would want to date a girl who did this, but I thought what Blue and I had was stronger. I thought it was different, and real, and could weather anything.”
“You’re my two best friends in the world, and I would bet anything that you’ll figure this out.” Sky shook her head. “But I still wouldn’t tell your parents.”
“You know what? I kind of want a clean slate. If I’ve already lost Blue, what else really matters? I think I’m going to tell my parents, just to get it all out in the open, and I might as well talk to the Food Channel Network. At least then I’m doing something other than thinking about all the ways I ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”