Chapter Seventeen
AFTER ANOTHER SLEEPNESS night, Blue was showered and dressed before dawn. He needed to see Lizzie, to make sure she was okay and to apologize for reacting like a jackass. He wanted to understand why she would put herself in that situation. If she’d even talk to him after the way he’d shut her down when she’d tried to explain. Not that he could have helped how he’d reacted. To say that this had been a blow would be putting it mildly. Hearing that Lizzie was the Naked Baker had completely snowed him under.
The ache of not being with Lizzie was equally as unbearable as the pain of feeling duped. Unwilling to go another day without talking to her, he drove over to her house at six o’clock, parked out front, and waited for her dark house to come to life.
When the lights turned on, he headed around to the kitchen door. He lifted his hand to knock and hesitated, drinking her in for a minute as she stood in the center of the kitchen, her gaze hovering over the sink. He wondered what she was thinking and whether she was thinking of him the way he was thinking of her. She turned, and their eyes connected. Heat stroked down his spine, and a second later, when he must have come into focus through the window on the door, her eyes filled with sadness. His stomach knotted and his heart ached anew.
A hundred unanswered questions settled between them. A full minute later, Lizzie rolled back her shoulders and lifted her chin. He wondered how often she’d had to ready herself like that. Was it hard for her to don the apron and heels and perform in front of the camera? Or did she enjoy it?
Blue’s heart pounded faster with every step she took toward the door, making it hard for him to breathe.
He heard the locks turn, and then the door swung open. She was right there, her sad eyes puffy, as if she’d been crying all night, her sweet lips, which usually appeared to be smiling, were downturned at the edges, and it nearly killed him.
“Hi,” he managed.
“Hi.”
“I’m sorry to show up without warning.”
She stepped aside to let him in. “It’s okay. You can work. I’ll be out of here in a minute.”
He stepped in close, fighting the urge to reach out to her, to hold her until the sadness left them both. To kiss her until they forgot why they were upset in the first place. She closed the door behind him, and the need to be closer was too strong to resist. He touched her shoulder as she took a step away.
She turned, blinking up at him through those impossibly long lashes of hers, drawing him in closer.
“Can we talk?” He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from holding her so she couldn’t walk away. It would be so easy to take her in his arms, love her, and forget the rest for a while, but he’d messed up as much as she had, and he didn’t want to force her into talking with him.
She nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line.
“I watched the videos,” he admitted, feeling ashamed, as if he’d done something dirty, and that shame quickly began changing into anger again. He worked hard to push it down deep. He didn’t want to get angry. He wanted to talk.
“Oh.” She dropped her eyes, and the heartache in that one word slayed him again.
He couldn’t stand not touching her and reached for her hand. He wanted to comfort her as much as himself. He needed the connection, if only for a second. “Lizzie, I know I didn’t give you a chance to explain the other night, and I’m sorry. It was a lot to deal with, and honestly, I’m not sure I’ve even begun to scratch the surface, but I need to understand it. I want to understand it.”
“What do you want to know?” she asked softly.
How you can be so close to me and make me feel so loved while you’re doing that for other guys to see? He shifted his eyes away and pushed his selfish thoughts to the side to focus on more important questions.
“How did you get started in all this, and why, when you have so much?”
She nodded again, narrowing her eyes as if she was remembering something painful. “Honestly, Blue, I don’t think any of what I have to say will make a difference if you’ve already decided that you don’t want to be with me.” She turned away.
“I haven’t made any decisions. How could I? I don’t have any information other than that you make these videos.” And I love you, and love doesn’t turn off like a light switch.
“Yes, I make videos.” She spun around with renewed energy—negative energy, aimed directly at him. “I make baking videos wearing nothing but an apron. I did it to make money because when I was in college my father got ill and my parents had to close down the inn for about six months, so we had no money. But I wanted to get my degree, because that’s what you do after high school. You go to college and do all the right things so you can have a good life.” She paced, her voice escalating. “I’ve always done the right thing. Always.”
“Lizzie, I didn’t mean—”
“No, Blue. You asked. Now let me explain, please.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I took out loans and did all the things college students do, okay? But it wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want to start my adult life strapped with loans and then spend the rest of my life working them off for ten bucks an hour. I wanted to own my own flower shop. Maybe that was selfish of me. I don’t know.”
“So you turned to making half-naked videos?” He hated that he couldn’t keep the distaste from his voice.
“Yes,” she said defiantly, arms crossed, eyes shooting daggers. “At first it was a joke. A girlfriend said we should do it and see if we could earn money that way. She said her brother made videos about gaming, walk-throughs or something, and he was earning a ton of money. I said no, but…I don’t know what happened. It was the end of the semester, and I had no idea how I was going to get money for next semester’s books and tuition. I was working in this rinky-dink flower shop on weekends and two evenings a week and barely making enough money for groceries. I’ve never eaten so many ramen noodles in my life.” She paced the kitchen. “But you wouldn’t know about that, Blue. You come from a wealthy family. You had your life mapped out for you. College was paid for, books, food. You’ve never had to figure that stuff out.”
“That’s not true.” Even as he said the words he knew every bit of what she’d said was true. He’d worked through college, but if he hadn’t, his parents would still have had enough money to send him and his siblings to college—to any school they’d wanted. “Okay, fine, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand where you’re coming from.”
She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Oh, yes, it does. You’ve never looked into your future and wondered how you were going to make ends meet, or stared at a paper that said you owed fifty-seven thousand dollars for an education you got only to please your family.”
“Okay. I understand what you’re saying, why you needed money. But why this particular thing? I’m sure your friend’s brother didn’t wear nearly nothing on his videos. Why this? Why not just baking, or flower stuff, fully dressed?”
“Like that would earn any money? Come on, Blue. You’re not stupid. You know why.”
He blew out a frustrated breath. What did he want? To hear that it was all made up? That she didn’t do it? She couldn’t take it back. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, or what he needed, but he knew he needed Lizzie.
“Am I the only one in the dark about this? I trusted you, Lizzie. I thought you were being honest with me. Honesty is all I ever asked for. What I can’t figure out is how you got Sky to keep it from me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, a barrier between him and the awful feeling of being made a fool of.
She leaned against the counter and her shoulders rounded forward. “I didn’t.”
“Right. You expect me to believe that Sky kept it from me on her own? You know perfectly well she would never do that. She tells me everything. Everything, Lizzie. I knew about Sawyer before you did.” He closed his eyes for a beat, absorbing the sting of his words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
She held up her hand to silence him. “No. You’re right. You are closer to Sky than I am, and I’m sure she would have told you if she’d known.”
“She doesn’t know?” He watched her eyes, looking for the truth, and it was staring right back at him.
Without a word, she shook her head.
“What do your parents think about it?”
She lifted damp eyes to him. “They don’t know either. They’re the reason, well, one of the reasons, that no one knows. You’re the only one I’ve told.”
He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “You lied to everyone? For all these years? Your sister? Your parents? Your best friend?” Anger simmered inside him again.
“I couldn’t tell my sister or Sky. It might have slipped out around my parents.”
He stepped in closer, unable to quell the anger and disappointment bubbling up and spewing out of his mouth. “You lied to everyone you knew? Don’t you feel any sense of loyalty? An ounce of trust? No,” he said as he paced. “I guess you wouldn’t. You cared about paying off your school loans and opening your business, and the heck with everyone who trusts you.”
Her eyes blazed as she closed the distance between them. “How dare you judge me so unfairly. Don’t you think I’m ashamed of what I’ve done? Do you think I’m proud? Wait—maybe I am a little, for finding a way out of debt, but how dare you think I take this lightly or that I don’t care about my family and friends. I care about everyone, which is why I didn’t tell them. This would kill my parents! And if Sky knew, or Maddy knew, and it slipped out around my parents, then my parents would be as angry with them as they would be with me.”
“And what about your self-respect, Lizzie? Didn’t that come into play at all during these years of half-naked baking for strange men who probably jerked off a zillion times to you?” He couldn’t stop the anger from tumbling from his lips, despite the tears rolling down her cheeks and the acidic burn in his gut.
Her voice lowered to an icy calm, and her gaze followed. “I don’t matter. How can you not understand that? Maddy matters. I might have started doing this for myself, but now? Now I’m doing it so Maddy doesn’t have to. And you know what, Blue? I’d do it all over again. I’m an adult. I’ve made my bed. I’ve made my mistakes. And I’ll live with them for the rest of my life, but Maddy won’t have to. She’ll get the education she deserves and she can be proud of, and she’ll come out without loans looming over her head. She needed a shot at having a future that included more than a minimum-wage job, and I gave her that opportunity.”
Shaking his head was all Blue could do as her rationalization ricocheted in his mind. “You’ve got this all figured out, don’t you? No matter what the cost?”
She crossed trembling arms over her chest and thrust her chin out. “This is what I have to do.”
“No, Lizzie. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. There are other ways to make money.”
“Not for me there aren’t. Not for Maddy, either. Don’t you think if I earned enough from my shop, I would stop doing the videos in a heartbeat?”
“I don’t know. Would you? Will you ever walk away from it? Will anything ever mean enough to you to leave it all behind? Or will money always be your driving factor?”
“That’s unfair.” She held his gaze. “It’s not like I want millions of dollars or like I live an extravagant lifestyle. If I hadn’t had a flood and insurance hadn’t paid for the repairs, I would never have renovated my kitchen. And…” She turned away, and when she finally turned back, she blew out a long breath and fell silent, as if she had no fight left in her.
“You know what, Blue? Obviously my judgment is off. I was falling in love with you. I thought we had a real connection, but you don’t know me at all. Not really. Not the parts of me that matter, because if you did, this wouldn’t mean a thing.”
He reached out to her, but she pulled away.
“How can you say that, Lizzie? You’re hiding behind all of this. Is it sexy? Yes, it would be if you were acting it out for me—for us—in the privacy of our own home. But you’re rationalizing your way in and out of this whole mess.”
She drew in a deep breath, shoulders shaking so badly she reached for the counter. “I’m proud of finding a way out of debt. And I’m proud of what I’ve done for Maddy.”
It was hard not to admire her determination, almost as hard as it was to deal with the betrayal.
“How can you put yourself out there the way you do and say you’re falling in love with me? If you loved me, then you wouldn’t be able to fathom stripping down twice a week and seducing a bunch of strangers for money.”
“You told me to trust you, Blue. You said you wanted to be the man I shared my secrets with, but I guess you wanted to handpick those secrets.”
He strode to the door, feeling low and lost and like the mess he was, but he was too brokenhearted to do anything else. With one hand on the doorknob and his back to Lizzie, he said, “I’m a man of my word. I’ll finish your renovations, and I’ll try to stay out of your way. But open your eyes, Lizzie. Someone who’s proud of what they’re doing doesn’t lie about it to the people who love them.”