Chapter Twenty-One
FRIDAY WAS A blur. After getting up early and redecorating the cupcakes she’d made the night before so they no longer looked like giant nipples, Lizzie dropped them off at the homeless shelter before finally arriving at work late, nearly missing her supplier. She’d been too busy all afternoon to answer Blue’s calls, and if she were honest with herself, she also wasn’t ready to speak to him. She really did understand why he hadn’t stayed last night, even if she wished he wasn’t bothered by the webcast.
She was living a contradiction that she didn’t know how to remedy. Knowing she was doing something that he didn’t readily accept, something she felt ashamed of—even if thinly rimmed with pride for being able to take care of her own finances, and Maddy’s as well—warred with her unwillingness to refrain from doing it. And the whole situation left her feeling empty and lost.
But last night when she was in Blue’s arms, she’d felt full again. She’d felt found. She tried not to analyze the precarious position she’d put herself in, or the fact that she felt trapped by her own desires—teetering between the man she loved and the need to help her sister. She thought about calling Blue, but she knew she’d be too emotional to drive and talk, and it was already after four. She’d promised her parents she and Maddy would be there by six thirty, and she needed to haul her butt down to Harborside University if they had any hopes of making it on time. She grabbed her purse and locked up the shop.
“Taking off?”
She was startled by the sound of Blue’s voice, and her hand flew to her heart. Blue stood a few feet away, devilishly handsome, his eyes wavering between confident and tenuous. I did that to him. I stole his confidence in us. Her heart sank with the realization.
She let out a fast breath, unable to fall down that hole at the moment. “I have to get Maddy. I’m late.”
“I’ve been calling you all day.” His tone was thoughtful, not vengeful or upset, as he followed her out back to her car.
He was here, and last night, he’d been with her. It wasn’t his desire that was wavering, she realized. It was probably his trust, and that cut her even deeper.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s been a crazy day, and it’s going to be crazy until I get Maddy dropped back at school tonight. She called earlier and said she can’t stay for the weekend after all because of some talent event at her friends’ bar or something.”
“Bar? She’s nineteen.”
Surprised by his concern, she tossed her purse in her car, noticing a sheen of purpose hovering in his eyes. “Yeah. I know. It’s a bar and restaurant. The Taproom, I think it’s called. They’re not serving drinks. She’s going just for the event itself.”
He touched her lower back, and his gaze turned thoughtful. “I was hoping we could talk. I’m sorry I didn’t stay last night.”
“It’s okay. I understand.” She tried to smile, but couldn’t muster it, even though she was already so much happier than she had been just a day ago. She was rushing and confused, and wanted so desperately to stay there and talk things through so they could move forward together and get back to that magical place they’d shared—but she was scared to death they might never get that far.
“Thank you for the sweet note this morning,” he said with a warm smile that stole her breath, “but I missed my sugary treat.”
“I wasn’t sure you’d want them now that you know why I bake so often.” She’d left a clean coffee mug beside a fresh pot of coffee for him, along with a note thanking him for being understanding the night before, but she’d been too conflicted to leave a cupcake.
“Lizzie, there’s so much we need to talk about.”
“I know you need time to figure out if you want to be with me, and I get that.”
“I want to be with you, Lizzie.” His voice went serious and soft at the same time, something she was sure only he could pull off. “Want isn’t the issue. You have to know that. And I didn’t mean to upset you last night by leaving.”
“I’m not upset that you didn’t stay. It just hurt, and I don’t know where we stand—”
“Where we stand is that I want to try to make this work. We have a lot to talk through, but I know we can get past this.”
“You…you do?”
“I do, Lizzie.”
The sincerity in his voice tugged at her heart. But she didn’t have time to talk through things now. She had to get Maddy, but she did want to tell him what she’d wanted to say last night.
“I didn’t get to thank you last night for convincing me to tell Sky. I didn’t get to say much of anything, because my heart was going crazy and my mind was in tatters—in the very best kind of tatters, of course.” She felt her cheeks flush.
He stepped in closer, holding her gaze, and placed his hands on her hips. His voice was smooth, rich, comforting. “I wasn’t trying to convince you of anything, and I’m sorry I overreacted.”
She knew she should react to his apology, but she still hadn’t decided if he’d overreacted or not. What she did know was that she had to tell him what was circling around in her head.
“I know you weren’t, but I told Sky about the webcast, and it was like crawling out from under a dark cloud. I never knew my secret was weighing so heavily on me, but you were right. I was rationalizing in order to continue. I’m planning to tell Madison and my parents tonight. As difficult as it was to come clean, Blue, it was also freeing, and I’m thankful that you opened my eyes to what my life had become.”
“You told Sky?”
She saw the surprise in his eyes, and as he drew her closer, the rest of what she’d been holding back tumbled out.
“I did, and Blue, being with you is everything. I never knew that I could miss you so much after only one day. But when we were apart, a piece of me was missing. I haven’t been able to think straight all day, and I just feel empty. Being close to you again made me think about what I really wanted and what I needed. I want to be with you, Blue.”
He breathed a relieved sigh and embraced her. “Thank goodness, because I can’t go another day without you.”
She forced herself to push back, unwilling to fool herself or him. “I care for you a great deal, and I know that you still care for me, and that gives me hope for us. But after giving it probably way too much thought, I’m certain that I need to continue with the webcast, for Maddy’s sake.”
His brows knitted together in confusion.
“I made a commitment to her education, and that’s a commitment I won’t back down from. It’s only two more years, which I know must feel like a lifetime to you.” Needing the connection and for him to realize how strongly she meant what she was about to say, she pressed her hand to his chest, surprised to feel how fast his heart was beating. “When you’ve been doing this as long as I have, you realize that two years will go fast. I still can’t believe that you had been asking me out for a year before I finally came to my senses. A year went quickly, Blue, didn’t it?” Please say yes. Please, please say yes.
“That was the longest year of my life,” he answered with a hint of exasperation and a smile. “You infiltrated my dreams and lingered in my mind every minute of every day. Two years is a ridiculously long time. This is all new for me, so I don’t really know what I’m dealing with, but I know what I want, Lizzie, and I want to be with you.”
She held her breath for a but…
He swallowed hard, sending his Adam’s apple bouncing up his neck. “I saw you taping last night. I only watched for a minute, but—”
“You watched me?” Oh no. That’s the kiss of death.
“I couldn’t help it. I was getting ready to leave and I heard you talking, and…I’m sorry. I went down and watched from the stairs for just a few minutes.” He reached up and touched her cheek. “But what I saw was a woman who was acting, not my Lizzie. On some level I’ve understood that the whole time, but on a deeper, more intimate level, there was still a twinge of something gnawing at me.”
She dropped her gaze, unable to take much more. She was already standing on a precipice and was afraid that one strong gust of wind would send her over the edge.
He lifted her chin and gazed into her eyes. “I realized that I haven’t felt the claws of jealousy for so long, I didn’t recognize them.”
She fisted her hands in his shirt, stifling a laugh of relief, because it would be wrong to laugh at something like this, but she’d been so scared about what he might say that laughing was about all she could manage.
“Jealousy? Over guys I don’t know or care about?”
“What can I say? I’m jealous over my girl.” His lips quirked up, and in that split second, the tide changed between them. “When I first started working at your house, I was your friend, but I was hoping to become more. And every note, every sugary treat, every flash of your adorable dimples, made me want to cross that line even more. And then suddenly, there you were, and you were mine. And I was the happiest man on earth. Then I found out that while you were mine, you were seducing other guys with the same sugary treats and seductive voice. I’m not judging you. This part isn’t about you. It’s about me. I can’t help it if I’m jealous, and I admit it. I am as jealous as the day is long.”
“No, I guess you can’t help it.” She was still clinging to his shirt, trying to remain stable on this roller-coaster ride of emotions. As relieved as she was, and as much as she knew they needed to talk this out even more, she was painfully aware of the time and of her impending confession to Maddy and her parents hovering over her, making her even more anxious.
“I have to go get Maddy, but we both need to be sure about all of this. I know two years is a long time in your eyes, but I’ve been doing this for so long that I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that when I get there, you’ll be waiting for me.”