Raedene

All it took was one eventful and memorable night and here I was, a mother with a four-year-old toddler who refused to speak like other children his age and who believed that he had another family. He compared everything I did to his imaginary mother; from the food I gave him to the clothes I dressed him in. He couldn’t get himself to even call me mom. But here, where Braden lay sleeping, he looked like a real angel. I just wish I knew why he was so different from other children. Everything went for a loop after his second birthday. Initially I assumed it was the terrible-two phase all experts refer to when it came to toddler behaviour, but two years later I wasn’t all that sure. He became progressively worse as he got older and I had no idea how to help him. Every day he would talk about his other mother, the one who died a horrible death after being attacked by white tigers, and his little sister who fell into the ice. And if I dared tell him that it’s his imagination he would throw the worst temper tantrums ever. He believed everything his mind conjured up, it was so real for him that he would spend hours crying about his dead mother and how he couldn’t help his little sister.

“Is he sleeping?” Damien whispered from the doorway.

If it wasn’t for my brother I would be so lost, but I had to start accepting the fact that Damien would soon move away to start his own family.

“Yeah finally, I just wish I knew what triggered him to behave this way,” I said softly while I brushed the brown curls away from Braden’s forehead.

“Maybe you should consider taking him to a paediatrician or a child psychologist,” Damien suggested.

“And tell them that my child believes I’m not his mother?” I piped up and laughed softly, “I mean really, white tigers? Just today he told me how he used to walk in knee deep snow to go collect fire wood for his family, I honestly have no idea where all this comes from.”

Damien came to stand next to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, “You’re going to have to get some expert advice Rae, otherwise you’ll never figure it out. This behaviour is not normal.”

No shit Sherlock, of course it’s not normal, “I’ll make an appointment to get him assessed, but I’m just so scared they find something horribly wrong with him.”

I swallowed at the lump in my throat, choking back the tears of defeat. What if my son was odd, what if he was diagnosed with some mental disorder that required permanent care that would eventually result in him never having a normal childhood? The questions were endless. I spent many nights researching all possibilities, from past life experiences to Autism and Schizophrenia, but all that resulted in, was me going more insane every day.

“It will only help you Rae and once you know what’s going on, you will be better equipped to deal with these challenges. You should also consider getting in touch with Caleb; he has the right to know.”

“Caleb? Why would I do that?” I asked shocked, I never told anyone that Caleb was Braden’s father.

“I wasn’t born yesterday. You two were close, hell, you were almost inseparable. And when you came with the news about your pregnancy, I knew straight away.”

Wow, and he kept quiet all this time? “Why did you never say anything?”

“I figured you’ll talk when the time was right, which never happened. But still, you need to get in touch with him.”

Maybe my brother was right, Caleb had the right to know, but how on earth was I going to find him? The last I heard he was in the military, who knows where he was now. And if I did find him what do I tell him? Oh by the way, you left and I was pregnant. Congratulations you’re a dad.

“I wouldn’t even know where to find him Damien, it’s been five years. The day he left, he left for good,” I said and pushed myself up off the floor and walked out of Braden’s room pulling the door closed behind me.

“I have his number; maybe you should just give him a call, test the waters and see how he is. In a week I’m leaving and if you ask me you are going to need all support you can get. Doing this on your own will be no easy task,” he said and hugged me tight.

I was going to miss Damien once he was gone. Over the past few years, he had been my pillar of strength. He was the only one who understood me and even more so, he was the closest thing to a father Braden ever had. The idea of him leaving was almost too much to bear. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Braden.

After Damien left, I flopped down on the sofa and finally broke down. This was the only time I could allow my own weaknesses to surface knowing that no-one was around to witness them. I had to stay strong, for Braden. Sometimes when I was caught up in my own thoughts, I felt like the protagonist in my own stage play with the world as the audience. But rather than cheering me on, they flung rotten tomatoes and lettuce at me.

I reached for my phone and scrolled down the list of contacts, compared to how many friends I had back in college to the handful I had now, I was nothing short of being a recluse who avoided social media like the black plague and hid behind books and manuscripts to avoid meeting new people. I paused at Caleb’s name, Damien must have added him to my address book when I wasn’t looking, I realized and my thumb hovered over the message icon.

“Mommy!” it was Braden’s hysterical cry that sounded from the bedroom and I immediately dropped my phone to run to his side.

“Mommy’s here sweetheart,” I said trying to pull him into my arms.

“No! Mommy, I want my mommy!”

He was looking for his imaginary mom again and this was the third time in one day this episode repeated itself.

“She’s not real Braden,” I said trying my best not to over react and show him that I’m upset.

“Mommy!” he kept on as if he didn’t hear a word I just said.

Okay, calm down Rae, just go with it, I told myself and closed my eyes then let Braden go. He flopped down on the bed and in one motion rolled onto the floor kicking and screaming. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to keep my wits about myself, but it wasn’t easy.

All I was left to do was lie down on the bed and watch him eventually cry himself to sleep. As soon as he was asleep I got up and pulled a blanket over his small frame. Exhausted I decided to stay in his room and finally fell asleep on his bed.