Life had started to get back to normal, or as normal as they possibly could given who my father was. Who I was. Last week the FBI officially cleared Seamus O’Malley of any wrongdoing and took Maeve into custody before issuing several arrest warrants for members of the Red Shamrocks. The way things were shaping up it looked like Agent Halloran would actually get that promotion. The Red ‘Rocks weren’t Cearul or my dad, but they were still a pretty big feather in his cap.

Sometimes I wondered if he secretly credited me with the promotion he would likely get after this. It was funny, but somehow I doubted he would ever think of me again. Like most people I met.

Thinking of Agent Halloran got my mind off the thing that really had me worried. Dad. He hadn’t called or surfaced and now all I could do was picture the most god-awful scenarios. And Keane, well he’d been no help in calming my nerves.

Not that he owed me any soothing or anything really, but it was my dad after all. But things between us had gotten so strained that I couldn’t even be in the same room as him without wanting to scream. Or smack his annoying, beautiful face.

But ever since I left Cerulean Shipping that day, Agent Blackstone had said five simple words to me that had completely changed my outlook.

“They’re lucky to have you.”

Yeah, they were lucky to have me and none of the bastards knew it. I’d stewed in the elevator down to meet Keane, my anger simmered and boiled when he flashed that sexy smile and heaped praise on me. Surprised praise and that shit stung. Bad.

He’d kept his distance and I hated it. I also appreciated it. Though after he returned to the penthouse at four in the morning the next day I realized that it had been really easy for him to keep his distance. Probably because he was already fucking someone else. Plenty of women wanted him. He was sexy and powerful and dangerous. A lethal combination that few women could resist. Including me, apparently.

“How long are you going to give me the silent treatment Fi?”

I wanted to tell him the truth. That I’d give him the silent treatment until I stopped loving him. Or until the end of time. “I’ve been busy Keane. With school. Because I’m a child, remember?”

“Goddammit Fiona, would I have fucked you if I thought you were a kid?”

I laughed bitterly because that was seriously not the way to make his point. “Obviously, because you fucked me while also believing that I couldn’t possibly have anything to add with helping Dad and Cerulean.”

“How fucking long will I have to pay for that? I’ve apologized!”

“Really? When was that? Because I must’ve been asleep!” The man had sent a text in the middle of what amounted to a sting operation to ‘apologize for being an asshole.’ I rolled my eyes because it had to be the laziest apology known to man. “It doesn’t matter Keane.”

“Of course it does. I never want to hurt you, don’t you know that?” He moved towards me and I took a step back, knowing if he touched me all would be lost.

“Sure I do Keane. You’ll keep me safe. Always.” Of that much I was sure, and I had to accept that was all I was going to get from him. “It’s fine okay? I need to catch up on my reading. Have you gotten in touch with Dad yet?”

“No. He still hasn’t checked in.”

“Then you should probably find him. I’ll be fine on my own.” I’ve spent years on my own and another few days wouldn’t do any harm. Especially since being around him now was hard. Damn hard. A few days’ distance would help me get my head on straight so I could be normal when he returned. Hopefully with Dad.

“I’m not leaving you Fi.”

He would eventually, and we both knew it.

* * *

“We’re heading out today, so pack your bags.” Keane towered over me, casting a shadow over my laptop which held an article for class.

“No thanks. I’m good here.” The last time I went on the road with him I lost my virginity and my heart. “Just leave me locked in here like you always do. No big deal.”

“Not this time Fi. You’re coming with me because I don’t know if we’ll be back or when.” His jaw was set in that firm line that made him look like he walked right off the pages of Hot Gangster’s Digest, his green eyes were laced with steel and his body poised for attack.

I wanted to argue and fight with him. Tell Keane that he wasn’t the boss of me and couldn’t just order me around. But just because I didn’t trust him with my heart, didn’t mean I would not or could not trust him with my safety. “Fine.” I stood, slamming my laptop closed and shoving it into my bag. “When are we leaving?”

“As soon as you get packed. Don’t bring a lot of shit, we’ll be bouncing around.”

His words were short and icy but that’s just how things were between us lately so I shrugged. “Why are we…you can’t find Dad?”

“I will find him Fiona.” His insistence was nice but unnecessary.

“You haven’t ever spared my feelings before Keane, don’t start now.”

He sighed and raked a hand over his beard. “I don’t know where he is or why he hasn’t checked in, but it can’t be good. So we’re going to find him.”

“And if we don’t?”

“We’ll worry about that if it happens. For now, the goal is to find him. I have a few ideas of where he might be, so go on and pack a bag.”

I trudged back to the guest room and tossed a few jeans, t-shirts and sweaters into a small bag along with underwear for a week and toiletries. If we were gone longer I’d just stop and get some along the way. “I’m ready,” I told him and put my phone and tablet plus chargers in with the laptop.

The elevator ride was silent and tense and as much as I wanted to lean into him, to smile and chat with him like I used to do, I couldn’t let myself get sucked into Keane again. I still loved him and I still wanted him to love me, but I knew he wouldn’t.

“Where are we starting?”

“A few places in the city first,” he said, placing his big roughened hand on my lower back and guiding me back to the truck.

“Not the Charger,” I teased.

His lips twitched and he shook his head. “Nah, figured we needed something new. Something no one knows about.”

“What are all the not awful reasons he could be out of touch?” We were headed to Cearul territory first to check one of the many safe houses stashed around Boston.

“He could be hurt and out of burner phones. He could be too far out for cell service. Or he could be keeping a low profile in case we’re being watched, trailed or bugged.”

I let out a long frustrated sigh. “So chances are good that he’s hurt. Or worse.” Turning away from Keane I looked out the window and tried to prepare myself for the fact that I could very well be all alone in the world. Mom had been gone for years now, and though Dad was always there technically, he’d been lost to me for almost as many y ears. But if he were truly gone…wouldn’t I notice? Wouldn’t I feel different, more alone now than ever before? It was a silly thought, but one that gave me comfort.

People always talk about how they felt a part of them was missing and they go on to find out they had a twin walking around on the other side of the country, or a child they thought died at birth was alive and living well ten miles away. That had to mean something, didn’t it?

“Don’t add extra problems to worry about Fi. We’ll find him, and then you can have the first punch for scaring the hell out of us.” He flashed that trademark smile and I wanted it to work. I wanted that smile to make everything seem better, like it always had. Only now, I don’t know. Maybe the smile wasn’t as powerful as I’d always thought.

Or maybe shit was just too real for a dazzling smile to have any real impact.