I glanced over at Amber as we drove, keeping an eye on traffic.

“Do we have everything?” I couldn’t help thinking something had been forgotten.

“For the hundredth time, Finn,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Yes! Everything is here. I have the cake, and the presents. The caterers are setting up as we speak, I called them ten minutes ago. We just need to get there in one piece.” She glared at the road.

“Okay, okay,” I said. Maybe I was a little bit anxious. But it was Lilah’s fifth birthday party, and her first without Erin. I wanted everything to be perfect.

“Jennifer and Michael will be there,” I said to Amber, as I negotiated a roundabout. “They flew in yesterday. They’re staying at the Park Hyatt.”

That fact was adding to my anxiety, as well. The Morgan’s were in town, ostensibly for Lilah’s birthday, but I knew it was to check up on me. See if I was providing stability for Lilah, as promised. And meet my new fiancée, of course.

Yes, a lot was riding on this birthday party.

Amber descended into silence as I drove. It had been like this ever since we returned from Portsea, when I had told her I wasn’t sure about us pursuing a relationship. Or at the least, sleeping together. She had clammed up so tightly I could barely get a peek through her shutters, anymore.

It was my own stupid fault, of course. It had been a knee jerk reaction to the shock of taking her virginity. Not to mention Lilah’s meltdown, and my mother’s warnings. It had all happened so quickly together I just couldn’t think straight.

Three weeks had passed since then, and she had been polite and courteous with me, but nothing more. I had hurt her, I could tell. And I just didn’t know how to fix it.

It didn’t help that I couldn’t stop dreaming of making love to her. Every night I woke, with a hard on so fierce it hurt. Dreaming of her body, and how it had felt.

“Almost there,” I said now, looking at her again. She was looking particularly beautiful today, in a tight fitting emerald green dress with black tights. She had wound her chestnut hair into a top knot, giving off an air of casual elegance that many women spent top dollar to get but rarely pulled off.

Effortless. Stunning. I could look at her, forever.

I pulled into a car park, and we got out. We were just getting the presents out of the boot, when I heard a shout. “Finn!”

And there they were. My in-laws, standing at the front of Luna Park, waving to us. Here we go, I thought. It’s make or break time.

* * *

Michael and Jennifer were fussing over Lilah as we entered the Park underneath the famous moon face gates.

It was sensory overload, here. Children everywhere, shouting in delight. Lights flashed, rides spun around. It was the oldest amusement park in Melbourne, that continued to delight every generation. I remembered coming here as a child, and being spellbound. Although I had been sick after one very intense ride.

That wouldn’t be happening today, however. Only the carousel and the milder rides for a bunch of five-year-old girls. We made our way to the function room, where party food had already been laid out. Several of Lilah’s friends were already here, rushing to her with their presents. She looked a little overwhelmed, but very excited.

The society mother’s all had their phones out, trying to take the best snap of their child to upload to their pages so everyone would tell them what a gorgeous child they had. I stopped, momentarily. When had I got so cynical?

“Did you have a pleasant trip?” I turned to Michael and Jennifer. They looked tired, but happy.

“Not bad,” said Michael. “We always fly business, of course. Lots more leg room, and we can stretch out and sleep. It certainly is a long flight.”

“Yes,” agreed Jennifer, smiling. “I remember Erin commenting on it, when you two were courting, Finn! About how she would have to get used to permanent jetlag, she was flying over to Australia so often!” She stopped, biting her lip. She looked at Amber.

“I’m sorry, my dear,” she said to her. “You must excuse me. It hasn’t been that long.” She dabbed at her eyes. Michael put his arm around her.

“Of course,” Amber smiled. “I understand completely. She was your daughter, after all. I am so very sorry for your loss. I loved Erin, she was an amazing woman.” Michael and Jennifer both smiled at her, looking as if they were starting to relax.

“Lilah! We’re here!”

Here we go, I thought. My parents had arrived, carrying the biggest present. It was so ostentatious, it eclipsed all the other presents that had been put into a corner of the room.

Why did they always have to show off? Why was it always about material things, with them? I knew they loved Lilah, of course. But they barely spent any time with her, the weekend in Portsea notwithstanding. It was always about what they could buy for her.

And then I looked at Amber, chatting away with the Morgan’s, so open and warm. Where did she fit into this world of mine?

I watched my mother approaching them all, her huge social smile plastered to her face. She nodded to Amber, then started chatting immediately to Jennifer, leading her away. Amber looked a little crestfallen. I felt anger surge through me.

I had always thought that my parents were decent and fair people, that they weren’t snobbish about our extreme wealth. I thought that they gave everyone a fair go, whether they were wealthy or not. It seemed I was wrong.

My parents thought that Amber wasn’t good enough for me. The thought lodged in my brain, they had accepted Erin because she had come from a wealthy family. It wasn’t because they thought her kind, or charming, or intelligent. No, it all came down to how many zeros there were in the old bank accounts.

Protectiveness flooded through me, as I stared at Amber. No one treated her badly. No one. She turned around, then, as if she felt my eyes on her. We gazed at each other for a second, before she turned away. A little sadly, I thought.

How had I fucked things up so badly?

* * *

Good old Bryce had arrived, dragging a girl behind him. Mandy. I looked again. No, it wasn’t Mandy. It was just someone who looked a lot like her.

“Finn, meet Skye,” he said. Skye smiled, a bit vacantly.

“Buddy, you have to stop doing this,” I said to him, after Skye wondered off. “These girls of yours. Do you have some assembly line somewhere, that I don’t know about? Because they all look the same.”

Bryce grinned. “I just have a certain type, that’s all.”

“What happened to Mandy?”

Bryce shrugged. “Started talking about moving in together. I had to let her go. Trying to cramp my style.”

I shook my head, ruefully. Would Bryce ever change?

“It’s alright for you,” Bryce said. “You had Erin. And now you’ve got Amber. I would probably let go of some of my bachelor freedom if I snagged a girl like that. She has class.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” I stared at Amber, again.

“Buddy, you are one lucky guy,” continued Bryce. “She is warm, and what a brain! Very smart. You can have a real conversation with her. Not to mention she’s a babe.”

“Hands off,” I growled, punching him on the arm. He laughed.

“I’m not making a play for her. I’m just saying, I could change my tune for a chick like that.” He paused. “She’s a keeper.”

My father approached us, and Bryce started chatting with him. I tuned out.

“Finn?”

I turned. It was Jennifer. I smiled, but inside all the walls were going up. Would she start on again about taking Lilah?

“I just wanted to tell you,” she said. “Amber is a lovely girl. She has done wonders with Lilah, Finn. We are so happy for the both of you. I know that Erin would be happy, too. She would want what’s best for you and Lilah.” Tears glimmered in her eyes. “You have our blessing.”

I felt a lump form in my throat. “Excuse me for a minute, Jennifer,” I said.

I had to leave the room, running out into the park. All around me colours swirled, and people were screaming on the rides, in fear and delight. Lights were flashing. I sat down on a bench, trying to catch my breath.

Erin. It had suddenly hit me.

I cried, remembering my beautiful wife. I had been running from it, for so long. Trying to dodge the grief, as if I could keep one step ahead of it. Just keep working, I had told myself. But I recognised it now for what it had been.

Denial.

I thought of all the years we had spent together. I thought of our wedding day on the Whitsunday Islands in Queensland. The day that Lilah had been born. Buying our home together. A million and one other memories all clamouring into my brain, jostling for prominence.

I wept, soft and low. I didn’t care that I was in public. And then, I suddenly stopped. It was okay. She would be a part of me, forever. But she was gone.

I turned around, ready to go back in. Re-join the party. And the first thing I did when I entered that room was seek her out. Ah, there she was.

Amber.