“He sleeping?” Tess appears in the hallway just as I step out of Jackson’s room.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Poor guy was exhausted.”
“Lots of excitement today.” She grins. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, and I’ll be back out.”
“Okay,” I acknowledge, turning toward the living room.
“Hey, Bree.” Tess’ hand closes down around my arm before I can even take one step, pulling my gaze back to her.
“Are you going to tell her?” She doesn’t need to elaborate for me to know who and what she’s referring to.
“I don’t think now is the best time.”
“There isn’t going to be a good time.” She gives me a sad smile, releasing my arm. “You’re just going to have to do it.”
“I know. I will. But she just got here, and I don’t want to ruin our night talking about something that can wait until tomorrow.”
“I understand. But you need to tell her while she’s here. The longer you keep it from her, the worse it will be.”
“I know.” I hate how agitated I sound, but I can’t help it—I am agitated.
I know what I have to do, and I know how hard it’s going to be. Truth be told, I haven’t a hundred percent decided if I’m even going to go through with it. While yes, I want to be with Ant, I will step back if I think Courtney is still interested, and I mean in more than just a hookup.
“I don’t mean to push.” Tess pushes open the bathroom door, stopping just inside the door frame. “I’m just trying to do what’s right by both of you.”
“I know.” I force a smile, letting out a long breath the second the bathroom door closes, leaving me alone in the dim hallway with a million things swirling through my head.
I can’t be angry with Tess for insisting I talk to Court. I know what a horrible position I’ve put her in, stuck in the middle of a secret between her two best friends; it can’t be easy for her. But I also have to think about the bigger picture too. I can’t rush in guns blazing. I need to ease my way in, feel Courtney out.
Court is curled up on the couch when I enter the living room. She looks up from her cell phone when she hears me enter.
“Took you long enough.” She huffs playfully.
“Sorry. He should sleep the rest of the night.” I plop down in the armchair directly across from her.
“Do not apologize to me,” she scolds. “I was just giving you shit.” She glances back down at her phone, types something on the screen and then drops it on the coffee table. “I still can’t get over how big my little man has gotten. And Kindergarten, I can’t believe he’s getting ready to start school.”
“I know,” I agree, more than a little nervous that in less than two weeks Jackson will be starting his first year of real school.
“Just think, we were only two years older than him when we all became friends.” She makes a circular motion with her hand just as Tess enters the room. “That’s seriously hard to wrap my head around.”
“What are we talking about?” Tess questions, taking the spot on the couch opposite Court.
“That Jackson is only two years younger than we were when we became friends,” Court repeats.
“That really is pretty crazy when you think about it,” Tess agrees. “God, has it really been that long?”
“Feels like forever, doesn’t it? I can’t remember a time without you girls in my life.” Court smiles, leaning forward to retrieve her glass of wine from the table in front of her.
“Me either,” I agree.
“I feel like we’ve been through so much together,” Court continues.
“Probably because we have.” Tess chuckles. “Fights, break-ups, first loves, parent divorces, death; you name it, we’ve experienced it together.”
“I swear I would kill for you girls.” Court looks from Tess to me and then back to Tess. “Like straight slit a throat if I had to.” She grins.
“I could totally see that.” Tess nods, smile wide.
“Well, let’s hope it never comes to that.” I shake my head, standing for a brief moment to grab my still full wine glass from the coffee table before sliding back down into my seat.
“Do you remember in fifth grade how bad Trenton Avers used to pick on Tess?” Court asks.
“He would pull her hair every time she would walk by, and he called her bear trap because of her braces,” I continue her thought.
“And then one day he did it in front of Court as we were lining up for the bus, and she whacked him in the face with her book bag,” Tess laughs. “Knocked him straight on his ass.”
“Told him that if he ever so much as looked at you again that she would cut off his little pee pee and feed it to her dog,” I add, smiling at the memory.
“I got in so much trouble over that,” Court chuckles. “Totally worth it, though.”
“You saved me big time.” Tess stands, disappearing into the kitchen as she continues to talk. “Trenton didn’t even look at me again for the rest of the year.” She reappears with a fresh glass of wine in one hand and a near empty bottle in her other.
“That’s what you get when you fuck with one of my girls,” Court says, matter of fact, holding her glass out to Tess who empties the remainder of the wine into it before setting the empty bottle on the table. “Please tell me that’s not the last of it,” she quickly adds as Tess reclaims her seat.
“I’m pretty sure running out isn’t going to be a problem. There are at least five bottles left in there.” Tess shakes her head.
“Please, that’s nothing.” Court swipes her hand through the air. “I’ll have that gone in two hours.”
“I have no doubt about that,” I speak up, knowing Court can handle her alcohol probably better than anyone I’ve ever seen.
I think I’ve only seen her truly drunk once, and that was after one of Sebastian’s parties where she was doing shot wars with some of the guys. I’m pretty sure she had upwards of fifteen shots that night. It’s a wonder she didn’t wind up with alcohol poisoning.
“So now that little ears are in bed and we can talk freely, can someone please tell me how in the hell Ant is so fucking hot? I’m mean, Jesus. Seriously?”
Courtney says it right as I’m taking a drink, and I end up sucking my wine down the wrong hole. It takes me several moments, coughing and sputtering, to finally get myself right again and by the time I do, both Court and Tess are looking at me funny.
“Sorry, wrong hole,” I try to explain, clearing my throat again.
“Anyway”—Court shakes her head—if this one is done choking,” she hitches her finger at me playfully. “Can we please talk about this shit for a second for real?”
“What is there to talk about?” I try to sound as casual as possible, taking another drink of my wine, this time careful to swallow it correctly.
“I need to know what I’m dealing with here.” She pulls her legs up under herself and leans forward slightly like she’s preparing for what she’s about to learn.
“That’s a broad statement. You need to be more specific,” Tess interjects.
“Okay, so Bree already told me he’s talking to someone, but they aren’t an actual couple,” she says, and I instantly feel Tess’ gaze hot on the side of my face. I ignore it and keep my eyes locked on Court. “What else do I need to know? Tell me more about this girl, about his job, family—give it all to me.”
I want to ask her why she wants to know so much, but given that I think that question might raise some suspicion about why I’m asking, I keep it to myself.
“Well, obviously you know he graduated from Boston College last summer, got a degree in Information Technology,” I start on safer ground. “He moved back to Rockfield for a while, but that didn’t work out so he decided to try things out in California.”
“Why didn’t they work out?” she interrupts before I can keep going.
“Issues with his dad,” Tess says, meeting my gaze over the rim of her wine glass.
“Oh shit. Yeah, I know he wasn’t very fond of his dad when we were dating.”
“Did he ever say anything to you about their relationship?” I can’t help but ask the question; if anyone would know anything about Ant and the abuse it would be Court, given that they were together during some of it.
“Not really. He was always really hush hush about it. I just know Ant did anything and everything he could to avoid going home most days. Why do you ask?” She arches a brow at me.
“Just curious. I wasn’t sure if they’ve always had problems.” I brush it off like it’s nothing.
“Yeah, I think they did; though, like I said, he never really talked much about it.” She pauses for a moment before picking up where she left off. “So he moved to California and was staying with Sebastian for a while, that I knew already. Then he moved here because it’s closer to his job.” Her gaze finds mine, and I do my best not to shrink beneath it. “And what does he do exactly?”
“He went to school for software development, but right now he’s working in quality assurance, testing software.”
“Okay, boring.” She fake yawns. “I never saw Ant as the type to work with computers. He’s so social and always used to feed off of attention. I can’t imagine him sitting behind a desk all day working with software, whatever the hell that entails.”
“I think it was kind of like my decision to go into finance,” Tess speaks up. “Smart career choice, lots of growth, good money; it makes sense.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Court lets out a slow sigh. “I just have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he’s a man now, ya know? I mean, he was a man before…” She smiles and winks, causing a thick knot to form at the base of my throat. “But now he’s really a man. He’s even got an adult job and everything.”
“What did you expect, for him to still be the same guy he was over five years ago? People change.” I take a drink of wine to keep myself from saying more.
“I know. It’s just hard to think about the person he was compared to who he is now. I hate that there’s so much I don’t know anymore. He was such a big part of my life in high school, and now he’s basically a stranger.”
“I kind of felt the same way about Sebastian when we first reconnected. I had to pretty much get to know him all over again. Lucky for me, he’s still the same incredible person he was back then.” Tess smiles like a love-sick school girl.
“I’ll take shoot me now for five hundred, Bob.” Court laughs when Tess throws her an evil glare. “I’m just kidding. You know how happy I am for you and Sebastian. I still can’t believe after everything you guys are getting married.”
“It’s crazy, I know,” Tess agrees, looking down at the ring on her finger.
“Okay, back to Ant,” Court redirects the conversation. “I’m not done yet.” She smiles.
“What else do you want to know?” I ask, wishing like hell she wasn’t so interested in the man I just so happen to be falling hard and fast for.
“Tell me about this girl he’s talking to.”
“I already told you earlier. It’s just some friend of his.” I think I do a pretty good job of playing it off, but the guilt that slams into me in doing so nearly shatters my resolve. It also doesn’t help that Tess is once again staring daggers at me either.
“So say if I were to ask him out for drinks, it would be totally acceptable because they aren’t together, right?”
“I guess so.” It takes everything in me to push the words out, the knot in my throat feeling like it’s quadrupled into the size of a softball.
“Are you going to ask him out for drinks?” Tess asks, her gaze bouncing between me and Courtney.
“I think so. I mean, what’s it going to hurt, right? He’s single. I’m single. We’re both here at the same time. Not to mention, he's smoking fucking hot.”
At that I stand, not sure how much longer I can keep this charade going.
“I’m going to get another bottle.” I excuse myself to the kitchen, just needing a moment to compose myself and figure out what the hell I’m gonna do now.
I promised myself if Court was still interested in Ant that I would bow out. He was hers first, and I’m not the person who chooses a man over my best friend. Then again, Ant isn’t just any man.
I pop the cork on a new bottle of wine and fill my glass to the brim, sucking it down in one long gulp before refilling it to the top again.
Uneasiness and guilt grips my chest like a vice. I knew better than to let things between Ant and me progress. I saw it happening weeks ago, could feel the shift between us, but I was powerless to stop it. When I’m with him it’s like I’m under some spell. Only when I step away can I see the toll that it’s taking on me, and ultimately the ramifications it will have on my friendship with Court and Tess, who is being forced to lie on my behalf right now.
“Fuck-fuck-fuck,” I mutter under my breath, gripping the counter as I tilt my head down and take a few deep breaths.
I hear Court and Tess laughing in the living room and for the first time since all this began, a sense of resentment toward Ant takes hold. I should be in there, laughing and enjoying my time with my best friends, my family, not in here hiding out because I’m keeping a secret that could potentially end it all.
I blame him. I can’t help it. If he hadn’t come back into my life with his perfect smile and his perfect body and his perfect laugh, then I wouldn’t be in this position to begin with.
True—he’s added more to my life than he’s taken away, but I’m not sure anything he could give me would be worth hurting Courtney over.
And then there’s the part of me that doesn’t care. The part of me that wants him no matter the cost. The part of me that will go head to head with my best friend if it means Ant will be with me in the end. I know how horrible of a person that makes me, but my heart is so conflicted I’m not entirely sure I know which way is up or down.
Taking another long drink of wine, I promise myself to let this go. No matter how badly I want Anthony, deep down I know it’s not worth the risk. I will support Court and whatever she decides to do where he’s concerned, and I will be happy for her if she gets what she wants. I will not compete, I will not sabotage, and I absolutely will not stand in the way.
She’s my best friend. And that means more to me than anything else. I just hope Ant will understand why we need to end things before they really begin. Sometimes you just have to do what’s right, no matter how wrong it feels. And not being with Ant feels wrong on more levels than I think I’m able to fully comprehend at the moment.
“Where the hell did you go, Bree?” I hear Court holler from the living room, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Just getting some more wine,” I call back.
Taking one more deep breath, I plaster on the best smile I can muster and exit the kitchen; hoping like hell I’m strong enough to do what I know has to be done.