Six years earlier
“Bree! Get your ass over here, bitch!” I hear Courtney scream at me from across the small restaurant the second I step through the front door.
I look over to see a small group of our friends already gathered at our normal table at Perchatellies, where we meet every Friday after there’s a home football game. I smile, trying to swallow down the heavy knot in my throat as I cross the small resturant toward them.
“Where’s that boyfirend of yours?” Ant asks me the moment I slide into the large booth next to him.
I shrug, trying to appear completely unaffected even though I feel like I’m seconds away from spewing the contents of my stomach all over the table in front of me.
“Not sure, I haven’t talked to him yet. He’s probably still at work.”
“Work.” Ant snorts. “Does he ever actually work?” he jokes.
“Doubtful,” I agree, shaking my head on a forced laugh.
“Where the hell were you tonight?” Courtney cuts in, leaning into Ant as she talks over him. “I thought you were coming to the game. You realize this is the second one in a row you’ve missed.”
“Sorry, I had some stuff going on at home,” I say, using an excuse I know Courtney will understand.
Her expression instantly falls and she shoves her long brown hair over her shoulders and leans further over Ant.
“Everything okay?” she whispers, her eyes studying my face.
I know how lucky I am to have a friend like Courtney, but telling her the truth right now is the absolute last thing I want to do. So I simply nod and mouth “Mom,” knowing she’ll just assume that my mom was drinking again and I had to take care of the aftermath.
I hate lying to her. I hate using my alcholic mother as an excuse for anything because I know how protective Courtney and Tess get about the whole thing. But telling her the truth—uttering the words I still don’t fully comprehend myself—is just too much right now.
I can feel Ant’s eyes on the side of my face, and I hate that he’s witnessing our little exchange. I don’t typically air my dirty laundry out there for the world. Something about having him watch me makes me feel exposed—vunerable—and I hate it. I hate feeling like someone other than Tess or Courtney can see the scars I try so hard to keep hidden.
And while yes, Ant and I have been friends for quite some time, we don’t have that kind of friendship. The kind where I tell him about my fucked up home life or the shit I’ve had to battle my way through.
Courtney takes my answer without a moments hesitation, nodding only once before changing the subject to a much less serious note.
I let out a silent breath, thankful that she always seems to know just what I need.
“So Ant had two touchdown catches tonight.” She smiles up at her boyfriend and an instant bout of jealousy runs through me.
I’m happy for my friend, of course I am, but I’d be lying if I said that seeing my two best friends so in love doesn’t make me once again feel like the odd person out. It also doesn’t help that I have harbored a massive crush on the guy she’s currently head over heels for. Of course, I would never, ever, tell her that.
I’ve convinced myself it’s nothing because Ant and I are friends. I’ve learned to look past the physcial attraction I have to him. And sure, he flirts with me just like he does everyone else, but I know him well enough not to take it seriously. He’s clearly just as into Courtney as she’s into him.
And then, of course, I have Blake.
Even just thinking it sours my stomach. Blake. I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore.
“Oh yeah. That’s awesome.” I shake off the thought and force a smile, my attention pulled across the table when Sebastian chimes in.
“Only because I threw them right into his hands,” he boasts playfully.
“Fuck you, dude.” Ant picks up a sweetner packet from the center of the table and chucks it at Sebastian. “If you threw them right to me then why did I end up eating the back of the endzone diving for one.”
“So sensitive,” Sebastian laughs, catching an elbow to the ribs from Tess who hits him with scolding eyes. “He knows I’m just messing with him.” He grins at her, dropping a kiss to the tip of her nose.
The conversation continues around me, but my mind is immediately drawn back to my current situation, and while I smile and laugh in all the appropriate parts, I couldn’t be further away from what’s happening around me if I tried.
I try to think back to the beginning of my relationship with Blake, the thing that started all of this. I remember being happy. I mean, I think I was happy. Things were great between us. So great in fact that I truly thought maybe, just maybe, I had found my person and that the universe wasn’t conspiring against me.
Wrong again.
I opened up to him in a way I had never opened up to anyone outside of Tess and Courtney. I just wish I had known who he truly was before that happened. And while I know that what I’m allowing him to do to me is wrong, I just can’t seem to walk away from him either.
Every time he puts his hands on me, I swear to myself it will be the last. But then he comes crawling back the next day begging for forgiveness, promising he’ll never do it again, and I just can’t seem to turn him away even though I know every word he utters is a lie. False promises, ones we both know he’ll never keep.
I guess in a way I feel like I deserve it. Like somehow this is my punishment for things I was too young to control but still blame myself for. And now there’s the news I found out today. The news I can’t let myself even think.
A baby?
The thought slips in despite my effort to hold it at bay, and I instantly feel the emotion boil behind my eyes. My hand slides across my stomach subconsiously, and I look down realizing what I’m doing.
Instantly pulling my hand away, I try to reemerse myself into the conversation, but I just can’t seem to get my mind to stick there. It’s hard, being the same age as everyone around me and yet feeling like none of them have any clue how cruel life really can be.
Like why did I get the shit end of this deal? Why does everyone around me seem so happy while I’m falling apart on the inside?
All I want to do is steal a bottle of vodka from my mom’s stash and drown in it, but even that I can’t do anymore. Maybe it’s for the best; like mother like daughter is not a statement I ever want to be said about me and the woman who gave birth to me.
It’s hard even calling her mom most days. What kind of mother allows the things to happen to her child that she allowed? What kind of mother chooses a drink and a man over her child?
“You good?” I hear Ant say next to me seconds before his elbow gently nudges my side. I look up to see him staring at me with a curious look on his face. Courtney in deep conversation with Aria, the girl sitting next to her.
“Yeah.” I force another smile, probably my hundreth of the night.
“You haven’t even touched your food.” He nods toward the plate in front of me where I’ve only pushed my salad around with my fork, not even sure if I’ve actually taken a bite.
“Just not hungry I guess.” I shrug, dropping my fork.
“You sure that’s it?” The look he gives me makes my insides seize up. It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking—what I’m feeling—even though I haven’t said a word on the matter.
I hate to think I’m that transparent; then again it’s only Anthony who seems to be able to read me so easily.
“Yeah.” I quickly nod, fishing some bills out of my back pocket and dropping them on the table before quickly standing.
Ant follows the movement with his eyes, not the least bit surprised by the action despite how abrupt it probably seems to everyone else.
“Where are you going?” I hear Court ask, and I look up to see her watching me curiously.
“Blake just text, said he’s home.” I wiggle my eyebrows and smile wide, delievering the perfect performance.
I can tell instantly that everyone buys it, everyone but Ant that is. I ignore his penatrating gaze and focus on Court and the wide smile that pulls up her lips.
“I see how it is. Ditch your friends for some dick,” she jokes.
“You know how much I love the D,” I laugh, throwing a half wave over my shoulder as I quickly walk away, not waiting to hear what anyone else may or may not have to say.
By the time I finally reach the sidewalk, I feel like I’m about to sufficate. I suck in the cool evening air like I can’t get it into my lungs fast enough. Walking to the right, I stop next to a street lamp post and double over, pretty certain I’m gonna vomit all over the sidewalk at any second.
Morning sickness already? It’s my first thought. I’ve heard it hits you out of nowhere, but if this is related to the pregnacy then why does it feel like it’s radiating from somewhere completely different.
Tears prick the back of my eyes as everything begins to settle over me.
I’m pregnant.
I choke on a small sob, trying to pull myself together.
I’m going to have a baby.
I’m only sixteen.
How can this be happeneing right now?
I don’t realize I’m not alone until a pair of hands settle on my shoulders, spinning me around. The next thing I know my face is pressed against a hard chest and comforting arms are around me.
I know it’s Ant without even looking up. I’ve memorized his touch, his scent. My body recognizes him even when my mind doesn’t.
I give myself a minute. One long minute to revel in his embrace before I’m pulling back and looking up at him, thankful that the tears that were so close to spilling over never actually did.
“What are you doing out here?” It’s the only thing I can think to say.
“You may think you have the world fooled, Bree Kingsley, but I see you.” His words are like ice in my veins, freezing me in place. “Something is clearly going on with you,” he observes. “And if you don’t want to talk about it that’s on you, but I couldn’t just let you walk away without at least making sure you were really okay.”
“That’s sweet, Ant, really.” I take a full step back. “But I’m good. Just got a lot on my mind.”
“You sure it’s nothing I can’t help with? I’ve been known to offer a pretty good ear when needed.”
“I appreciate that, really I do, but I’m good,” I insist, having to fight my sudden urge to just tell him the truth.
I want so badly to say it out loud but doing so would be admiting to the world that maybe I’m not as different from my mom as I like to think I am, and that’s not something I’m ready to face just yet.
She, afterall, got pregnant with me at the young age of fifteen. Maybe that’s why multiple boyfriends came knocking on my bedroom door once she was passed out drunk—because in reality they weren’t all that much older than me.
“Can I at least give you a ride home?” Ant breaks into my self-destructive thoughts.
“That’s not neccesary. I’m sure Courtney is expecting you back.”
“Actually, she’s not. She’s heading back to Tess’ tonight, so Sebastian is dropping them off on his way home. I’ve already said my goodbyes.” He pauses before repeating, “Let me give you a ride home.”
“I don’t want to go home.” I don’t mean to say the words, but they flood out just the same.
“Okay, then let me take you somewhere else,” he offers. “Anywhere.”
“I don’t have anywhere else to go right now.” I scuff my foot against the pavement, looking down at my shoes rather than at Ant.
“Look.” He steps forward, his hand reaching out to tip my chin up so that I’m forced to meet his gaze. “You clearly have got some shit going on. You don’t want to talk about it right now, that’s fine. But at least let me take you somewhere. Maybe it will help to not be alone.”
“Why are you doing this?” I wish my heart didn’t sink a little when he simply answers, “Because you’re my friend.”
He gives me a soft smile. “Come on. There’s a place I always go whenever I just need to say fuck the world and sort through my shit.” He offers me his arm, and I swear a good thirty seconds pass before I finally link my arm through his and let him lead me toward his truck.
We don’t talk on the ride to wherever we’re going. Ant taps his fingers quietly on the steering wheel to the beat of the music playing softly from the speakers, and I keep my gaze trained on the window.
Rockfield really is such a peaceful place. I don’t know why I’ve never really noticed until this exact moment as we pass the silent streets and empty sidewalks on our way out of town.
We drive for a few more miles, the landscape morphing to open fields and small unlined back roads. When Ant pulls off into a small patch of gravel, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, I throw a curious look in his direction.
“We’re here,” he announces, giving that incredible smile of his.
“Here?” I question, looking around at the nothing that surrounds us. “We’re nowhere.” I shake my head, meeting his gaze once more.
“Exactly.” He nods, climbing from the truck before crossing around to the passanger side. Pulling the door open, he helps me out of the cab and then leads me to the back. Pulling down the tailgate, he hops up into it before offering me his hands.
I eye him skeptically but then finally cave, securing my hands in his as he hoists me up into the bed of the truck. Taking a seat on the tailgate, he taps the spot next to him. Even though I’m completely confused by why he brought me all the way out here, I don’t hesitate claiming the spot next to him, my legs hanging over the back.
“I don’t…” I start, instantly cut off by Anthony.
“Shhh. Just listen,” he says, leaning back and tucking his arms behind his head.
“What am I listening for?” I ask after a long moment, finally mirroring his actions and laying back next to him.
“Nothing,” he states simply, eyes on the sky. “That’s the point. Out here there is nothing. Not one single thing. No one to impress. No masks to wear. No expectations to live up to. Out here is the one place where I feel like I can breathe.” He lets out an audible exhale.
I open my mouth to respond but then quickly snap it closed, deciding to just embrace the moment rather than fight it.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting my eyes wander over the countless number of stars overhead. The silence is deafening. I bask in it and let go of everything raging inside me. I let it all go and focus on nothing and yet everything at the same time.
Funny how Anthony, of all people, seems to know exactly what I need when I don’t even know myself. I turn my head slightly to catch his face still turned toward the sky, eyes closed, breathing even, and I let myself, for the first time maybe ever, imagine a world where Ant and Courtney are not a couple. A world where maybe I could be the girl on his arm.
And while I know that will never and could never happen, I let myself pretend for just a moment because right now pretending is all I have left. And not just with the guy I wish were mine, but with a future I now know will never be what I had hoped for.