“Why are you calling me at three in the morning, Vi?” I hear Ant grumble as he shifts out from under me, pulling me from sleep.
I roll onto my side and blink into the darkness, feeling him stiffen the moment my arm wraps around his middle.
“When?” It’s all he says, and yet I know instantly what it means. “Yeah, okay,” he says, sitting up before throwing his legs over the side of the bed. “I said okay, Vi,” he bites, his sleep-ridden voice taking on a hard edge. “Okay. Yeah. Bye.” He ends the call and pushes to his feet before I can even process the movement.
“Ant?” I question, sitting up just as he clicks on the closet light before scouring the floor for his clothes. “Ant,” I say again, shoving back the covers as I quickly climb out of bed. “Hey.” I step in front of him and take his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me.
“What’s going on?” I search his eyes and see the blank detached gaze that stares back at me.
“My dad died,” he finally admits out loud, like he hasn’t quite processed the news.
“I’m so sorry.” I pull him into my arms, not really sure what else to say. How do you comfort someone who refuses to acknowledge they need comforting? “What can I do?” I pull back to look at him. “Tell me what you need.”
“I don’t need anything.” He shakes his head. “I just… Fuck, I just need a minute.” He pushes my arms away and quickly steps out of my embrace, ducking into the bathroom seconds later.
I pace the bedroom for several moments, honestly not really sure what I should do before finally settling on calling Tess. She answers on the first ring, worry evident in her voice.
“Bree, what is it?”
“Ant’s dad died,” I say the words slow, not yet sure how to feel about any of this.
“Oh my God.” I hear rustling in the background followed by Tess’ whispered words as she attempts to cover the phone. “What do you need from us?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, there’s really nothing you can do tonight except be there for him. He’s going to need his friends.” I want to correct her, tell her I’m more than just his friend, but I don’t want to open that can of worms tonight.
“Right, I know.”
“Call me in the morning and let me know when you guys are flying out. I’ll get Sebastian and my flights booked first thing in the morning. I’m assuming we have no idea when the services will be or anything.”
“No, I mean, I think it just happened.”
“Poor Ant.” She sighs.
“I don’t even know if he will want to go to the funeral,” I admit, knowing that the last time we spoke about his father he gave no indication that anything had changed for him in that regard.
“Okay, well just let me know when you know, and we will go from there. Either way, we’re here for him.”
“Thanks, Tess,” I say, my eyes darting to the doorway when Ant reappears there, his expression sullen. “I gotta go.” I hang up without giving her a chance to respond.
I’m across the room and in his arms in a matter of seconds, doing the only thing I have the power to do at this very moment—try to bear some of the weight of his pain.
“Liz is picking us up from the airport when we land,” I say, referring to Tess’ mom. “We’ll be staying with her until Sunday morning. Tess and Sebastian are going to stay at his parents. And our return flight home leaves Sunday at noon.” I tell Ant as I weave in and out of traffic leading into the airport. “I talked to Vi earlier and they decided to hold the visitation and funeral both on Friday. They’re having everyone come back to your parents’ house after the service,” I ramble just to fill the silence of the car.
Ant has been like a zombie since last night. He’s barely spoken ten words since he found out that his dad passed, and I’m not sure if it’s because he feels guilty for not being there when it happened or if he’s simply in shock that he’s actually gone. Either way, all I know is there was no way I was going to sit back and let him withdrawal into himself, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I took charge.
I called Tess and made arrangements for us to stay with her mom for the weekend. Then I called Vi to let her know that we would be arriving this afternoon. My grandparents were generous enough to keep Jack for the weekend. The last thing I wanted to do was take him away from school and submerge him into what is sure to be an emotional weekend. I feel better knowing he’ll be far away from this situation and well taken care of.
Ant didn’t fight me when I told him we were going to Rockfield for the funeral like I thought he would. Instead, he just kind of nodded and started throwing stuff in his bag. Again— zombie.
Jackson’s the only one who was able to pull Ant from his mind long enough to actually speak. And even then, I could tell it was hard for Ant. I got the weird feeling that as he was looking at Jackson he was wondering if his father ever looked at him that way. He never said anything of the sort, of course, but I felt it nonetheless.
Ant simply nods to everything I’m telling him, his gaze locked out the window as I finally manage to locate a parking spot in the far corner of the airport parking lot.
“Hey.” I reach over and grab his hand seconds after killing the engine.
He glances over at me, his stormy eyes so conflicted it nearly breaks me.
“Thank you for doing all this.” His statement surprises me, and in an instant relief washes over me.
“Of course,” I say, squeezing his fingers.
“I know I’ve been kind of out of it today. I’m sorry about that. I’m just feeling a kind of way that I’m not quite sure how to handle.”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Ant. You just lost your father. No matter the relationship there, he was still your father. That’s bound to bring up some painful feelings. Just know I’m here. No matter what.”
“Thank you.” He gives me a sad smile before quickly climbing from the car.
Ant refused to visit his family before the service. We spent Thursday night holed up in Tess’ old childhood bedroom with Liz checking on us every five minutes.
By the time Friday afternoon rolls around, I’m exhausted, both physically and mentally. Ant doesn’t talk on the way to the funeral home. We sit in the same uncomfortable silence we’ve existed in for the last two days; honestly, I’m at a loss here.
I know I can’t push him to deal with this. I can only be ready to be there for him when it finally sinks in. But patience has never been one of my strong suits, and I can feel mine wearing thinner and thinner with each moment that passes.
Court, Tess, and Sebastian all come to the funeral. I didn’t even know Courtney was in town, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Tess called her. I’m also not surprised that she came because that’s just Courtney.
Normally I would feel worried, uneasy about how closely she’s watching me as I stand next to Ant, my hand wrapped around his as the preacher stands at the head of his father’s casket and reads from the Bible, but right now I just don’t care. All I care about is Ant and what he’s going through.
We arrive back at Anthony’s childhood home just after four in the afternoon. His neighbors all came together for his mom and brought a spread of food that lines every square inch of countertop space in the kitchen.
People are in and out, paying their condolences to Ant, his sisters, and his mom. I watch him carefully, watch as he shakes hands and accepts hugs like he’s acting on autopilot. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s anywhere but here. Hell, he’s been anywhere but here since Vi called, and I’m not sure how to bring him back.
Sebastian, Tess, and Court are never far from where we are. I can feel them watching us, watching Ant, like they are preparing for the same thing I am—the fallout they know is coming.
“Hey.” Courtney’s voice snags my attention, and I look up from the picture I’m looking at of Anthony as a child just as she stops next to me.
“Hey.” I force a smile, all too aware of the unspoken secrets still lingering in the space between us.
I hate that they’re there. I hate that I feel tense and unsure around my best friend when I should be happy that she’s here. I hate a lot of things about this situation. Mainly I just hate myself for lying to her, for keeping something from her that she deserves to know the truth about.
“How you holding up?” she asks, her gaze falling to the same picture I was just looking at.
“I’m okay. Worried about Ant.” I shrug.
“He seems pretty out of it,” she observes.
“Yeah, I’m not really sure what to do for him.”
“Not a whole lot you can do. You two seem really close.” Her statement comes out of left field, and an instant knot forms in my stomach.
“He’s a good guy,” I say, just needing to say something.
“He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”
I can tell she wants to say more but for whatever reason chooses not to. Courtney’s never been one to bite her tongue, so this makes me even more anxious.
“I’m not so sure about that.” I let out a slow breath, thinking more of her friendship than his.
“Seriously, Bree. I could tell how fond he was of you when we went out to dinner. He spoke so highly of you. For a second I almost wondered if he had a thing for you.” She shakes her head like she’s unsure if she still thinks that now.
“Whatever happened with the two of you anyway?” I quickly change the subject. “Have you spoken since you got back home?” I ask, even though I know they haven’t, or at least I think they haven’t.
“He’s texted a few times. Well, I’ve text him, and he’s responded. I think he’s pretty into the girl you were telling me about. He doesn’t really seem all that interested in reconnecting.”
“And how do you feel about that?” I ask, focusing on anything but the way she seems to be looking at me, like she’s waiting for something.
“I mean, I’m bummed. But it is what it is. I can’t force it, ya know? I think Tess and Sebastian getting back together stirred up a lot of unresolved feelings I have on the matter.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, stepping to the side when an older lady passes by us on her way to the bathroom.
“I don’t know. I just, I don’t think I ever really dealt with the breakup, at least not the way I should have. I’ve thought about him a lot over the years, wondered what might have been. Then seeing Tess and Sebastian so happy after all those years apart I thought maybe…”
“That you and Ant might get a second chance as well,” I finish her sentence, the guilt swimming in my stomach almost too much to bear.
“Something like that.” She gives me a weak smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
“Hey, there you are.” Sebastian suddenly appears around the corner, stopping next to Courtney. “Have either of you seen Ant?”
“I haven’t.” I’m the first to respond. “I thought he was with you.”
“He was. He dipped out when I was talking to his mom’s friend, and I haven’t seen him since.”
“Maybe he’s upstairs,” I offer. “I can go check.”
“I’ll come with you,” Court offers, but Sebastian quickly interjects.
“Actually, Tess is looking for you.”
“Okay.” Courtney nods, eyeing him curiously for a moment before turning her attention back to me. “Let me know if you can’t find him or if you need anything,” she says, spinning on her heel before taking off toward the front of the house.
“I’m gonna go see if I can track him down,” I say, turning.
“He’s in his old bedroom. Up the stairs, third door on the right.” His voice halts my movement, and I look back over my shoulder to see his face lined with apology. “I’m sorry. I needed a way to get you alone. I’ve never seen him in the condition he’s in right now and, honestly, I think you’re the only person who can probably get through to him. I’ve tried everything, but he won’t talk to me.”
“I don’t know what makes you think I’ll have any more luck than you. He’s been shutting me out for days.”
“Can you at least try? Please. I’m really worried about him.”
“Of course, I will,” I say, giving him a soft smile before taking off up the stairs without another word.
I take the stairs two at a time, not stopping until, per Sebastian’s directions, I arrive at the third door on the right. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, raising my hand to lightly rap my knuckles against the painted wood.
I don’t expect an answer, so I’m not surprised when one doesn’t come. Instead, I twist the knob, surprised to find it unlocked, and slowly push the door open.
“Ant,” I say softly, instantly spotting his broad frame hovering next to a large double window along the back wall of the room.
Quietly closing the door behind me, I slowly make my way across the bedroom that while bare, still holds some indicators that it once belonged to a teenage boy. There are a couple old football posters still on the walls, an old bean bag chair tossed in the corner, and a couple sports trophies lined atop a shelf hanging on the wall.
“Hey.” I step up behind him, resting my hands gently at his sides. “You doing okay?” I ask, feeling a shudder run through his body seconds before his arm pulls back and the picture I didn’t see in his hand goes flying through the air, the glass frame shattering seconds later as it connects with the wall.
I take a large step back as he turns, not really sure what to expect, but when I see the pure anguish on his face it takes everything in me to hold myself together. He looks at me for a long moment, defeat the most prominent emotion on his face, before his legs give out beneath him. He falls to his knees on a hard thud, a strangled cry escaping his throat.
It’s only seconds before my arms are around him, cradling him as tightly as I can against my chest as silent sobs wrack his body. It’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced—seeing my strong, confident man fall apart in my arms and knowing there’s not one thing I can do to take away his pain.
I’ve been in his shoes, felt the pain and guilt that physically rip you apart, but nothing could’ve prepared me for how strongly Ant’s pain would become my own. I feel him, I grieve with him, and I pray to God I’ll have the power to pull him through when it’s all said and done.