I haven’t seen or spoken to Ant in nearly a week. It’s been one of the hardest and loneliest weeks of my life. I’ve laid in bed every night, surrounded by his scent that still lingers on the sheets I refuse to wash, wondering why I made the choice I did.
It seemed like the right move at the time, walking away from Ant. But if that was how it was going to end all along then why did I risk everything for the chance to be with him? It feels like it was all for nothing, and I ended up worse off after the fact.
Courtney still got hurt. She hasn’t spoken to me since that evening at Ant’s mom’s house. She’s avoided my calls, left my text messages unanswered, and has made it pretty clear she has no desire to hear me out. I can’t say I blame her. I wouldn’t want to hear what I had to say either.
But now instead of just Courtney, we’re all hurt. Everyone, including Jackson, can feel the effects of the fallout. It breaks my heart that I did that to him. That I’m the reason that when he wakes every morning looking for Ant that he can’t find him. I’m the reason for the disappointed look on his face every day when he learns that just like yesterday Ant isn’t here.
I opened my arms to Anthony almost immediately, made him a part of our little family, and then as soon as things got too hard, I bailed, hurting not only myself but my son as well. Someone I never, ever wanted to hurt.
I thought maybe we could talk when he came to get his things, maybe we could find a way to move past this. That I could tell him that I reacted irrationally and purely on emotion, and I didn’t mean any of it. But given that he too is not answering any of my calls or texts, I think he’s made his stance pretty clear.
Hell, he waited until I was at work to come get his things. I only knew he had been there because he left his key on the table, which prompted me to search the apartment only to find that all his things were gone. If that doesn’t say ‘I don’t want to see you’ I don’t know what does.
“How long has it been since you’ve talked to him?” Tess’ voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up to see her studying me with a sad look on her face.
“That obvious?” I sigh, fiddling with the end of my messy ponytail.
When Tess came over to ‘cheer me up’ after Jackson went to bed, we made a pact that we wouldn’t speak about Ant or Courtney. I’m pretty impressed we’ve lasted this long. An hour without saying one word about the two people I can’t stop thinking about might be a record for me.
“Why don’t you just call him?”
“I’ve tried,” I admit. “Several times. I even thought about going over to your place, but I didn’t want to put you and Sebastian in an awkward position.”
“He’s not there.” Her statement surprises me.
“What do you mean he’s not there? Where is he?”
“Not sure. He mentioned to Sebastian that he was taking a family leave from work, and I know he had some things to settle back in Rockfield. Maybe he’s still there.”
“But he came to get all his things,” I interject.
“Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe he flew here for a couple days and then flew back. All I know is that we haven’t seen him since the night of the funeral.”
“God, I’ve made such a mess of things.” I drop my head into my hands.
“Yes, you have,” Tess agrees, giving me a sad smile when I lift my gaze to hers.
“Tell me how it is, why don’t you?” I roll my eyes.
“Hey, you get no sugar coating here. You know you messed up.”
“I did more than just mess up. I epically fucked everything.”
“That may be true, but, Bree, you’ve been in tougher spots than this one,” she reminds me, taking a drink of her wine.
“Yeah, but not when my heart was involved. It’s easy to detach from situations, to push them to the back of your mind and pretend like they don’t exist. But I can’t do that with Ant. I feel the loss of him everywhere. My body physically aches, my chest feels like it weighs a trillion pounds, and my stomach has been knotted so tight that I’m fairly certain I haven’t eaten one day’s worth of food in the last week. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can barely focus at work. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.”
“That’s how you know it’s real.” She leans forward, patting my leg. “When I lost Sebastian, I swore I would carry that pain with me until the day I died. Nothing had ever hurt so badly before. Hell, there were days I wished I would die just so I could stop thinking about him. Because every time I thought about him my entire world splintered all over again.”
“Did it get any easier over time?”
“Yes and no?” She shrugs. “Time made the pain more bearable, but I never truly shook the loss of him. I would walk into a class and see something that would remind me of him, and instantly I would be transported back. I would see his face, his smile, and then the rest of the day I was worthless. But then I would get up the next morning, and I would start all over. Some days I barely thought of him at all. Others he’s all I thought about.”
“So how did you do it? How did you go five years without him, especially after he showed up wanting you back?”
“You know, at the time I remember thinking that it was the right thing. I had come so far by that point that opening myself up to the pain I knew would come if I lost him again just didn’t seem worth it. It took everything in me but I knew we weren’t ready, and I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—go through that again. Now, I look back and have no idea how I ever said no to that man.”
“But it all worked out in the end.”
“It did. But it’s not all sunshine and roses. There are a lot of wounds from our past that I still feel daily. I’m still afraid that one day something is going to happen that’s going to send him running again. Things feel perfect now but then again, they felt perfect back then too. One day we were happy, in love, the next I was in the most excruciating pain of my life and it came on with no warning. He was there and then he wasn’t.”
“But Sebastian isn’t the same boy he was back then. I think you’ve both grown and learned from your experience. You know what it feels like to be without each other. I think that’s enough to keep him right where he is.”
“I know. And a part of me knows he won’t leave me again. But the other part of me will always be waiting for that other shoe to drop. I don’t know if that will ever truly go away. It may lessen with time, but I think it will always be there in the back of my mind.”
“And yet you’re here. You came back for him knowing you would have to live with that doubt?”
“Because it’s better to have some doubts and have him in my life than have no doubt and not. He’s worth it. He’s worth the risk. It took me a while to see that, but now I don’t think anything has ever been clearer. My life is better with Sebastian in it. Plain and simple.”
“My life is better with Ant” I admit out loud, pushing past the sudden tears that burn the back of my eyes. “I didn’t realize what I was missing in my life until he came back into it. He brought a joy with him. He made me laugh every day. Watching him with Jackson was like watching a father and son, because even though he isn’t Jack’s father, I think a part of him wanted to be.”
“He loves that boy. Anyone can see that.”
“He begged me not to take Jack from him,” I say, having not yet divulged exactly how everything ended between us, only that it had. “It killed me. It kills me.”
“You did what you thought was right,” Tess tries to reassure me, but even I can tell it’s for my own benefit and not because it’s true.
“Did I? And if so, who was it right for? Courtney still hates me. I’m miserable. Jack’s miserable. I thought I was doing what was right, now I’m not sure I know what that is anymore. And now it’s too late to change any of it.”
I take a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. Leaning forward, I grab my wine glass off the coffee table in front of me and take a long pull.
“It’s not too late,” Tess disagrees.
“How do you figure?” My question is laced with defeat. “Ant is… well, who the hell knows where he is. He won’t answer my calls. He won’t text me back. I think it was too late the moment I left him standing on that front porch.”
“You don’t know that,” she soothes.
“Yes I do, Tess. You didn’t see the look on his face that day. You didn’t see his heart physically break when I told him it was over. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so hurt in my entire life.”
“But that should also tell you how much he loves you. A man like Anthony doesn’t give his heart easily. I don’t think he’s going to take it back that easily either.”
“I told him about everything.” I meet Tess’s surprised gaze.
“Everything, everything?” she asks, knowing exactly what I’m referring to.
“Everything,” I confirm.
“Wow. That’s a huge step for you. How did he react?”
“Exactly like I hoped he would.” I blow out a breath, unable to hold the tears in any longer as two slide down my cheek in quick succession, one after the other. “He was supportive and caring. If he was repulsed by me or what I did, he didn’t show it.”
“Why would he be repulsed by you?”
“You know why.” I give her a knowing look.
“Bree, we’ve talked about this. You were just a child. Your mind has a way of adapting, of surviving; that’s all you were doing. You’re a survivor.”
“And that’s exactly how he made me feel. In that moment I felt no shame. No regret over telling him the truth. I needed to connect with him on a deeper level, to make him understand that I understood his pain; that I knew what it was like to love someone and have that love betrayed in the most vicious way possible.”
“I’m really proud of you.” Tess reaches over and squeezes my hand, releasing it almost instantly. “I know that things are a mess right now and while I don’t agree with a lot of the choices you made, I am very proud of the person you’ve become.”
“The one who screws over friends and lies to everyone,” I huff, finishing off the remainder of my wine.
“No, the one who finally opened her heart to the possibility of love. You let someone in, Bree. For the first time in ten years, I saw your wall crumble and someone step right over the rubble. I’ve known you nearly my entire life, and I’ve never seen you light up the way you did when Ant would walk in a room. You love that man as much as he loves you, and at the end of the day I think that’s something pretty special.”
“Yeah well, it doesn’t much matter now, does it?” I dry my cheeks with the back of my hand, trying to reel myself in.
“Says who?”
“Says me. I already lost Courtney over this. If I want any chance of rebuilding that relationship I can’t do it with Ant in my life.”
“Bullshit,” Tess interrupts.
I look at her for a long moment, not really sure how to respond.
“Courtney loves you, Bree,” she finally continues. “She will find a way to forgive you with or without Anthony in the picture. Her pride is hurt right now, but I think deep down she knows she and Ant were done a long time ago, and she will get over it. What she won’t get over is you lying to her, betraying her, and then coming out the other end with nothing to show for it.”
“I don’t think she’d see it that way.”
“I know she does.”
“What do you mean?” I question.
“You think Courtney and I haven’t talked about this? Of course, we have. And she has said to me exactly what I’m saying to you. She loves you, and she wants you to be happy. She’s hurt right now, but at the end of the day you’re more important to her than any guy; especially one she dated over five years ago.”
“I love him so much,” I choke on my words, letting the emotion of what Tess is telling me to seep through. “I don’t know if I can live without him.”
“Then don’t.” She smiles.
“What if it’s too late? What if I lost my one and only chance to be happy?”
“And what if you didn’t?” she counters. “You will never know unless you try. Take it from someone who’s been there.”
“But I don’t even know how to reach him. And I have a son; it’s not like I can just pick up on a whim and fly across the country if he’s in Rockfield.”
“Then you wait,” she says like it’s just that simple.
“Just like that?” I laugh bitterly.
“Just like that.” She reaches for the wine bottle on the table, topping off her glass before leaning over and refilling mine. “Just give it some time. Ant will come back and when he does, you don’t give him any other option but to hear you out.” She pauses, taking a drink. “Maybe he’ll say no, maybe he really is willing to walk away from you that easy, but that’s something you’re just going to have to find out yourself.”
“Do you think we could ever be as happy as you and Sebastian?” I don’t even know why I ask the question. I guess deep down I just need some reassurance.
“I really do.” She smiles. “I see the way you look at him, Bree, and the way he looks at you.”
“I never thought I’d want the family life. The husband and kids, the white picket fence, the dog running around in the yard. But watching Ant with Jack, it’s the first time I’ve ever even considered having more children. Because I want that with him. I want him to be a father to Jackson. I want to give him a son or daughter or both of his own. I want to walk into the kitchen in the morning to them making breakfast. I want to watch him tuck them in at night and tell them how much their daddy loves them. I want all of it. Isn’t that crazy? Like, who am I?” I ask, not sure if the question is meant for Tess or myself.
“You’re a girl who finally understands what it means to be in love.”
“I never thought this would be my life,” I admit, gesturing around the room. “I never thought I’d have any kids, or move across the country, or find love in the most unexpected place.”
“But you did, you did all those things. You’re the strongest person I know, Bree Kingsley. With or without Anthony, you will prevail, because that’s what you do. You fight your way back. I’ve been watching you do it since we were little. You’re a fighter, Bree. It’s time you start fighting for what you truly want. The rest will all work itself out.”
“I don’t know how I ever got so lucky to have you in my life,” I say, getting unusually sappy. “You have been my rock—you and Courtney—my constants in a world I could never seem to keep up with. I just want you to know how much I love you. You are my family.”
“And you are mine,” she responds, wrapping her arms around my neck as she pulls me into a hug. “You will be happy, Bree. I know it. Because you deserve it more than anyone I’ve ever met. And I mean that with everything I have.”
“Thank you,” it’s all I can manage to say.
Tess is right—it’s time to fight for what I want. It’s my turn to be happy. And with a renewed sense of optimism, I make myself a promise right here and now. Anthony Treadway will be mine and once I have him, I’m never letting him go again.