I can’t look at Ant. I know he’s there, watching me, waiting, but I can’t look at him again. If I do, I’m afraid I will fall apart in the very place I stand.
“Courtney, please, just talk to me,” I plead, keeping my focus on her. She’s been pacing in front of me for a good two minutes, refusing to even look in my direction.
It isn’t until Tess comes running out of the house, face flushed, that she seems to snap out of her fog. She looks up at the porch where Tess is now standing with Sebastian and Ant and then back at me, realization dawning on her face.
“You fucking knew?” she screams at Tess across the yard. “You knew they were fucking behind my back, and you didn’t tell me?”
“She didn’t.” I move to defend Tess. “She didn’t know anything was going on between us beyond how I was feeling. I swear.”
“Like I would believe a fucking word that comes out of your mouth ever again.”
“Courtney.” Tess steps up next to her, voice soft and hesitant. “Maybe we should go somewhere, just the three of us. We can hash this all out without an audience.” She gestures to the handful of people standing near the driveway, one of them I’m fairly certain is Ant’s cousin who went to school with us.
“I’m not going anywhere with her,” Court seethes, eyes on me like daggers.
“Listen, you’re upset, I get it.” Tess steps directly in front of her. “But this is Bree. I know how much you love her and how much she loves you. You just need to hear her out.”
“So you’re on her side then?”
“I’m not on anyone’s side,” Tess objects.
“Did he tell you the night we went to dinner that he kissed me?” She turns her attention to me, her words like a sucker punch to the stomach.
“What?” I step back, eyes going to Ant who is crossing the yard toward us, to Tess who steps back and looks at Ant just as surprised; to Courtney who gloats like she just got the last laugh, back to Ant who doesn’t look at me even once.
“Go ahead and tell her, Anthony. Tell her how you had your tongue in my mouth just hours before going home to her.”
“Courtney. Don’t do this.” His response knocks through me even harder as he stops next to me.
So he did kiss her?
“She deserves to know. Considering she chose you over me, I guess it’s only fair that she sees now what she’s actually getting herself into.”
“You kissed me,” he grinds out, rigid next to me.
“Technicality,” she huffs. “You still kissed me back.”
“Because you caught me off guard, and it took me a second to react,” he argues. “Why don’t you tell her what happened after that?” he suggests. “Tell her how I pushed you away. How I told you that I was into someone else. Don’t pick and choose what information to share. If you’re going to give her the truth, give her all of it.”
“Like you gave me all of it?” She narrows her gaze at him.
“I gave you the truth.”
“Like hell you did.”
“I simply omitted who it was; it was still true.”
“Omitting the truth is the same as lying.”
“Then I’m a fucking liar, is that what you want to hear me say?” I can tell by the strain in his voice that he’s losing his temper, but I’m too drawn into their argument to make any attempt to stop it.
“Guys, maybe this isn’t the time,” Sebastian speaks for the first time, reminding us all why were actually here.
I pause, realizing how right he is. We just buried his father hours ago, and now we’re all standing out here arguing like a bunch of teenagers.
“He’s right,” Tess adds, resting her hand on Courtney’s shoulder who quickly shakes her off.
“How long?” Courtney refuses to be deterred, shoving a finger in Ant’s chest as she steps up to him. “How long has this been going on?” she repeats.
“Less than a month.” I finally chime in, immediately cut off by Ant’s next words.
“Since high school.” Her gaze isn’t the only one to widen at his statement. I too, am now looking at him like I’ve never heard anything more shocking in my life.
“What?” I hear myself say, not sure what the hell he’s talking about.
“Her.” She points at me, seeming to put it all together at the same time I am. “She’s the girl you had feelings for.”
“She didn’t know,” he quickly adds when Court’s gaze whips to me. “She had no idea. I never told her anything.”
“So what then?” She refocuses on Ant. “You fuck me and then lust after my best friend at the same time? Was this part of your plan? Coming to California? Did you see this as your opportunity to finally make your move?” she spouts off, her voice borderline crazed.
“Courtney,” Tess tries to object, but she’s not finished yet.
“Figured you’d already fucked one of us might as well try out another one while you’re at it?”
“I didn’t plan for this. I didn’t seek it out. It just kind of happened.”
“It just kind of happened.” She mocks his voice. “Do you fucking hear yourself? So what’s next, you fuck her until you grow bored of her too?”
“It isn’t like that.”
“Then what’s it like, Anthony? Please, tell me. I really wanna know.”
“I fucking love her.” The last shred of his temper snaps as his voice rips through the evening air.
Courtney’s eyes immediately go wide, and she takes a full step back, eyes darting from me to Ant and then back to me before finally settling on Ant again.
“You love her?” Her voice is weak, like this was the thing that finally made it real for her.
“I do. I’m in love with her. We didn’t plan it. We didn’t set out to hurt you. But I can’t change the way it happened either.”
“And you?” She looks at me, fighting off the tears welling behind her eyes. “Do you feel the same? Do you love him?”
“Court,” I try to object.
“Just answer the fucking question, Bree. Do you love him?”
“Yes,” I manage to push out past the knot in my throat.
“Well then, I guess there’s nothing really left to say.” She turns toward Tess. “Will you get me out of here please?”
Tess nods, throwing me an apologetic look over her shoulder before leading Courtney to Sebastian’s car across the street. I watch the two duck inside and am still glued to the spot as they drive away moments later.
“You okay?” I feel Ant’s hand on my shoulder and I jump, taking a full step back.
“Don’t.” I shake my head, everything seeming to crash down on top of me all at once.
“Bree?” he questions, hurt and confusion evident in his eyes.
“Just don’t.” I shake my head again before spinning around and taking off down the sidewalk.
I have no idea where I’m going. No real destination or purpose. I just know if I don’t get away from here right now I’m likely to do something I will regret. I hear Anthony holler after me, but to my relief, he doesn’t follow me. I guess it just goes to show how well he really does understand me.
I’m just not sure how good of a thing that is anymore.
“How is she?” I look up from where I’m sitting just as Tess approaches, hands shoved in the pockets of her jacket.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, on the steps of Tess’ childhood home, nor am I sure what exactly I’ve been sitting here waiting for. Anthony’s face flashes through my mind, and I have to forcefully swallow down the knot that forms in my throat.
We’ve made such a mess of things, he and I. I just don’t know if I see a way past it without hurting Courtney more than we already have.
Tess shrugs and slides down next to me, pulling her knees up to her chest. “She’s pretty upset.”
“I’ve really screwed things up this time, haven’t I?”
“I’m not going to lie, you really have.” She gives me an apologetic smile, angling her body toward mine. “I just don’t get what happened.” She lets out a slow breath. “The last time we talked I knew you were struggling with your feelings, but when did it escalate to this?”
“I don’t know. It just kind of happened.”
“I’ve heard that a lot today.” She chuckles, shaking her head.
“I know it sounds generic, but it’s true. It really did just happen.”
“So you are sleeping together then?”
I give her one look, and she knows the answer without me ever having to say a word.
“Are you kidding me, Bree? Do you have any idea the magnitude of this situation? We talked about this. You promised me nothing else would happen until you talked to her. Hell, I kept that secret for you and inadvertently made myself an accomplice. Why would you do that? Why would you pursue anything with him, let alone sleep with him, without talking to Courtney first?”
“I didn’t know what to say to her.”
“You mean you chickened out, and it was easier to have what you wanted and hide it from her than to give him up or face the situation head-on,” she accuses.
“I already know how badly I fucked up. You didn’t have to come over here to drive that point home,” I bite.
“Look, I can tell you’re hurting. I know how much Court means to you, but you’ve got to put yourself in her shoes. She just found out her ex-boyfriend, who she recently hoped to reconnect with, and her best friend of fifteen years were hooking up behind her back. I doubt whatever you’re feeling even comes close to how betrayed and foolish she feels.”
“I never meant to make her feel that way.”
“I know you didn’t, but it still happened. And now you have to figure out how to make it right.”
“How do I do that?” I question, watching her stand.
“You’re gonna have to figure that out on your own. There isn’t going to be a quick fix here, Bree. What you did to her isn’t something she’ll likely get over soon. She’s gonna need some time.”
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” I call after her as she pulls open the front door, turning to look up at her.
“Hard to say. But if I know Courtney, and I’m pretty sure I do, I don’t think there’s any way she will write you off indefinitely. Because even after everything, she was still worried about you tonight. I think that proves the kind of friend she is.”
“If you’re trying to make me feel worse it’s working.”
“I don’t need to make you feel worse, you’ve done a good enough job of that on your own.” She steps inside the door and pauses, looking back down at me. “I really hope he was worth it, Bree. For all of our sakes.” With that, she disappears inside, and once again I’m left trying to sift through the pieces that once fit together and now no longer do.
Walking up to Ant’s mom’s house, I feel this weird sense of calm. My earlier nerves have passed, and I feel almost in a dream-like state where nothing feels entirely real.
I don’t even make it to the front door before it swings open and Ant steps out, looking like he hasn’t been to bed all night. That would make two of us.
“Hey,” he says softly, closing the door behind him as he joins me on the porch.
“Hey,” I say, turning to grip the railing that wraps around the ledge, squeezing the hard plastic in my hands as I look out over the front yard.
“I thought you’d come back to Liz’s last night,” I say, not looking in his direction.
“Yeah well, I thought you might need some space. With the way you took off and all.” I feel him settle in next to me, his hands mirroring mine as he grips the railing in front of him.
“Yeah. I guess I did,” I admit, letting out a nervous breath. “Gave me some time to think. Figure some things out.”
“And what did you need to figure out exactly?”
“How to make this right.” I lean forward, pressing more of my weight against the railing.
“And what did you come up with?” I can tell by his line of questioning that he already knows what is coming next but is trying to delay it just like I am.
“That we can’t do this anymore, Ant.” I finally release the words that have been eating at me for the past few hours. Words that I never wanted to say, but know that needed to be said just the same.
“So you’re giving up just like that?” he questions, voice void of any reaction.
“I’m not giving up.” I finally turn toward him, the air rushing from my body the second I do.
“You’re walking away before we’ve even really begun, what would you call it?”
“I’m making a choice. I choose her,” I say, doing my damnedest to stay strong.
“You could have chosen her weeks ago and saved us all a hell of a lot of time and heartbreak.” His voice has an edge to it I’ve never heard before, and it cuts me so deep I know with complete certainty that I’m moments away from bleeding out right here on the spot.
“It’s the right thing to do.”
“Maybe for you it is. Seems like the coward’s way out if you ask me.”
“Excuse me?” The defensiveness in my voice clear as day.
“You know what I think?” He turns, resting his hip on the railing as he crosses his arms over his chest.
“I get the feeling you’re about to tell me,” I whip out, knowing it’s easier to let myself feel anger than the sadness that is eating me alive from the inside out.
“I think you’re scared,” he says, ignoring my comment. “And not of losing Courtney either. I think you’re scared of how I make you feel. I think you’re afraid that you’re going to let me in, and I’m going to hurt you like every other man has in your life.”
“I told you those things so you’d understand you weren’t alone. Not so you could use them against me when it suited you to do so.” I can feel tears sting the back of my eyes, but I do my best to keep them at bay.
“I’m not using anything against you. I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear but know is true. You’re terrified of this.” He uncrosses his arms and takes a full step toward me, closing the small distance between us. “So much so that you’re ready to throw in the towel the second you get the chance.”
“You’re delusional. This has nothing to do with us. I’m doing this for Courtney.”
“Bullshit.” He towers over me. “The damage has already been done. She’s not going to forgive you any sooner because you broke things off with us. If anything, she’ll be more pissed that you risked her friendship on something you would so easily discard.”
“Don’t twist this to your benefit.”
“I’m not twisting anything, Bree. I’m saying it as it is. Deep down you know I’m right.”
“I can’t do this, Ant.” I take a full step back, feeling like I can’t breathe with him standing so close.
“You’ve said that already,” he replies dryly, like he’s bored with the conversation.
“I’m sorry, about everything. I hope that we can find a way to put this past us and still be friends.”
“We won’t.”
“What?” I look up at him, surprised.
“We won’t get past this. And I can’t ever be just your friend, Bree. Not again. Not after knowing what it feels like to love you the way I do. I’m an all or nothing kind of guy, but then again, I feel like you already knew that about me.”
“So then what are you saying?” I question, my throat feeling seconds away from closing up.
All I want to do is rush into his arms tell him I love him, and ask him never to let me go. But I’ve made the selfish move already, and I’ve hurt everyone around me in the process. It’s time I stop putting my wants and needs before everyone else’s, no matter how impossible it feels right now.
“I’m saying if you walk away from me now it’s over, forever. I won’t go back and forth. I won’t have my heart put through fucking barbwire every time you change your mind.”
“So you won’t fight for me is what you’re saying?”
I don’t even know why the statement leaves my mouth, only that I wish like hell I could take it back once it does.
“I’ve been fighting for you since the moment I saw you outside of Sebastian’s apartment, maybe even before that. I don’t know what else I have to do to prove to you I love you, that I want this.”
“You don’t have to do anything. I know you love me,” I say, swiping at the tear that slides down my cheek. “And I love you. So much. But I have to do what’s right. And this—you and me.” I gesture between the two of us. “It’s never been right. You were never mine to begin with. You were the first boy she ever loved, did you know that?” I choke back a sob. “And I ruined that. I stole that from her.”
“You didn’t steal anything from her. I haven’t been hers for years,” he tries to argue, but I can tell by the look on his face he knows it’s a lost cause.
“But that’s where you’re wrong,” I say, turning and slowly exiting the porch.
“Bree, please don’t do this.” There’s a hint of panic in his voice, and it takes everything inside of me to keep walking.
“I’m flying home today.” I turn once I reach the sidewalk, realizing he’s just feet away from me in the middle of the yard. “I’m going home to my son. It’s time I refocus. It was fun pretending for a while, Ant. It really was. But it’s time I get back to my real life.”
“Please don’t do this, Bree. I’m not just losing you, but I’m losing Jack too. You can’t do that to me.” The sob that manages to escape past my lips sounds borderline hysterical, but I manage to pull myself together. “Call me when you get back to town, and we will work out a time for you to come get your things.”
“Bree,” he objects again.
“Bye, Ant.” I give him a sad smile, holding in my tears until I’ve rounded the corner, at which point I completely fall apart.