Watching Courtney get ready for her date with Ant was almost as hard as watching the two exit my apartment together just after six. Of course, the entire situation was made worse by the fact that Ant barely even looked at me the hour before they left, and I didn’t miss that the tub of clothes he’s been storing in the hallway closet was suddenly gone either.
As the evening progresses, I can’t help but kick myself for the way I’ve handled this entire situation—especially earlier today. I’ve been so focused on not hurting Courtney that I never once considered what this might be doing to Ant.
So as I drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine, I let my mind wander over everything that’s happened the past couple of months. I think about seeing Ant that first time after so long, standing outside of Sebastian’s apartment building. I remember the way he flirted with me the entire night, making me feel a way even then I didn’t understand.
Hell, I still don’t understand it.
I think about our first kiss, how had Jackson not gotten out of bed it’s likely things would have gone past the point of no return. I wonder if it wouldn’t have been easier if it had. Maybe I’ve spent too much time thinking and not enough time acting.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my past—things I’ll never be able to take back—and because of that, I live with a lot of regrets. I’m so scared of ending up down the same paths I’ve already taken that I’m incapable of moving forward.
Ant doesn’t know the things I’ve been through, the things I’ve done. He looks at me like I’m some sort of angel. I think in a way I’m afraid to let him in because I know once I do, once I fully open up to him, he will never look at me that way again and I’m not ready to lose that.
Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe Courtney really is who he should be with. She has the ability to give him her whole self. She’s uncomplicated and untainted. She’s so much more than I will ever be. And isn’t that what he deserves—the better woman?
I’m so torn between what I want and what I think is right that I can’t see a scenario where I don’t lose something.
By one o’clock in the morning I’ve finished off the remaining two bottles of wine left over from our girls’ night last night and have worked myself into such a frenzy that I’m pacing the living room back and forth, afraid that if I don’t at least move I’m going to pull my hair straight from my scalp.
When I hear the lock click and the door open, I freeze in place, Anthony the last person I expect to see step inside. He catches my gaze instantly, and I can see the clear indication of surprise etched across his face.
“I didn’t think you’d be up,” he says, gently closing the door before sliding the lock back into place.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I admit, following his gaze to the two empty wine bottles on the coffee table.
“I see you were busy.” He drops his keys on the table next to the door.
“Not as busy as you I’m sure,” I bite, hating myself a little more with each second that passes.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He steps further into the room, stopping a couple feet from where I’m standing.
“It’s one in the morning. You can figure it out.”
“I’m aware of what time it is. What I’m unaware of is why you seem to care so much.”
“Are you seriously asking me that right now?” My voice shakes, and I hate how all over the place my emotions are.
This isn’t me. This emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve girl who has appeared over the last few weeks is not who I am. I have perfected the art of wearing my mask, so why is it every time Ant is near I can’t seem to hold it in place.
“I am.” His gaze drops to my mouth for a brief moment, the action causing my pulse to quicken slightly. “The last time we spoke you made it pretty clear we weren’t together nor would we ever be, so I guess I’m confused why me being out late has any effect on you whatsoever.”
“Just because I said we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or where you’ve been all night.”
“Is that so?” He eyes me curiously before finally just giving in. “We met up with Tess and Sebastian for drinks after dinner, that’s why I’m out so late.”
“The happy couples all reunited.” It leaves my mouth before I can stop it.
“Is that what you think?” He takes a deep breath like he’s trying to keep himself calm, and this only pisses me off more.
I want him angry. I want to fight. Because fighting is so much better than hurting, and right now I’m in pure agony.
“Seems pretty clear to me.” I cross my arms in front of my chest. “Tell me, is she as good as you remember or has she picked up a few tricks along the way?”
I know my comment is out of line, but right now I just don’t care. My blood is being fueled by wine and jealousy, and I can’t seem to control myself.
“Wow. Would you listen to yourself right now?”
“I am listening to myself. And I’m also listening to you not deny it,” I accuse.
“I’m not denying it because the accusation is so preposterous that it doesn’t even merit a response.”
“You’re so full of shit, you know that?”
“I’m full of shit?” he questions. “Are you kidding me right now? This morning you told me we couldn’t be together—tossed me aside like I meant nothing—and now you’re standing here accusing me of things that shouldn’t even matter to you. So which is it, Bree—do you care or do you not? Because from where I’m standing it looks like you care a hell of a lot more than you’re willing to admit.”
“Fuck you, Anthony!” I spit.
“Fuck me? Fuck me?” he repeats, his voice going up an octave. “Yeah, real nice, Bree. Fuck me.” He throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “Do you have any idea how you’re behaving right now? You’re acting like a spoiled fucking child. You want something and then once you get it you don’t want it anymore. But fuck if someone is going to step in and take the thing you don’t want, even though you’ve discarded it.”
“Don’t fucking tell me how I’m acting. You think I don’t already know how crazy I probably seem to you. Newsflash, asshole, I am crazy. Or did you miss that somewhere along the way. Guess you should count your blessings that this spoiled child isn’t your problem. Really dodged a bullet there, didn’t you? Now you and Courtney can ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after.”
“I don’t want Courtney!” he roars. “I want you.”
I don’t let myself process the statement because I’m afraid of what will happen next if I do.
“No, you don’t. You might think you do, but deep down you know I’m not good for you.”
“You’re not good for me or I’m not good for you?” he questions.
“Does it really matter at this point?” I swipe angrily at a tear that manages to escape my eye.
“Why are you doing this?” Ant’s approach instantly softens, and he takes a step toward me.
“Because I hate you.” My voice breaks slightly. “I hate you,” I repeat a little stronger.
“You don’t hate me, Bree.” He takes another step closer. “You’re so far from hating me right now that the statement is laughable.”
“You don’t know how I feel,” I insist, more tears burning the back of my eyes.
“Yes, I do. Because I know you, Bree Kingsley. I know that you’re not nearly as tough as you pretend to be. I know that even though you guard your heart, you’re incapable of keeping love out. You’re smart and sassy, funny and sweet, and loyal to a fault. And fuck if you’re not the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I know you don’t hate me because when you look at me, I can see it in your eyes.” By this point he’s standing so close he can probably hear my heart about to beat right out of my chest.
“I can’t.” I shake my head, trying to hold my ground.
“You want to know what I thought about tonight? You. When I looked across the table at Courtney, all I wanted was for it to be you sitting there. When we met Sebastian and Tess for drinks and Courtney tried to hold my hand, all I wanted was for it to be your hand. You consume me, Bree. You fucking own me. Do you hear me?” He takes my hand and flattens my palm against his chest. “You own me,” he repeats, his eyes boring into mine.
I don’t know at what point his lips touch mine. All I know is that once they do, I’m lost to the touch. I melt into his embrace like it’s the only place I’ve ever belonged. Honestly, I think it is.
Ant runs his tongue along the seam of my mouth, and I instantly open to him—wanting more, taking more. I tangle my fingers in his hair and pull him closer, needing to feel every inch of him against me.
Ant follows my lead, understands my need to for control. But as my grasp on the situation slips even he, the poster child for self-control, seems to reach his breaking point and that’s when he swoops down and pulls me into his arms; as if to say this is happening right here right now, and I love the way his assertiveness makes me feel. Like he wants me so badly he can’t wait another second.
Being wanted so intensely by someone like Anthony is like being the last drop of water to a drowning man—like he needs me to live, and I cling to the way that makes me feel.
Wrapping my legs around his waist, I move my lips down his jaw and across the base of his throat as he carries me down the hallway into my bedroom. His mouth is on mine again the moment the door snaps closed behind us, ravishing me like I’m the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted.
I lose myself in the moment, to his touch, to the feeling of his lips trailing down my neck as he turns and deposits me on top of the bed.
The minute my back hits the soft mattress, something between us snaps and the thread holding our restraint in place is nowhere to be found. We start ripping and tearing at each other’s clothing, neither able to get the other undressed quick enough.
It’s rough and carnal. It’s greed and want. It’s pure animalistic need. And when Anthony finally enters me for the first time, I swear to God my entire world shifts.
He’s anything but gentle, slamming into me so hard every single part of my body rattles from the effect. I take all of him. Every single thrust is like a surge of adrenaline through my veins, shocking me back to life.
He didn’t have to ask what I wanted. He didn’t need to be told. He already knew. He knew this is what I needed, love in its rawest form.
He’s right, he does know me. He knows me better than I thought possible. And he knows my body like a man who’s been studying it for years. Every touch has a purpose, every kiss has meaning, and every second that passes brings me higher into an ecstasy I didn’t know could exist until this very moment.
His smell is all I smell. His touch is all I feel. His voice is all I hear. He is everything. The sky above me, the ground beneath my feet, the very air I breathe. He blankets me until there is no part left of me that he hasn’t altered in some way.
And when it happens—when my reality skews and my body begins to take flight—I know that Ant is the only person who will ever take me to such heights, and he’s the only person who will catch me when I come crashing down.
Because crash is exactly what I do the moment he collapses down on top of me—bodies spent, hearts hammering in unison, eyes locked on each other like we’re both afraid if we look away the other might vanish.
I crash so hard that panic seizes my insides and I have the overwhelming sensation that I’m suffocating.
“I’ve got you, baby,” he whispers against my lips before pressing his mouth to mine. “I’ve always got you,” he soothes, like he knew this was coming before it ever did. Like he could sense the fall before the ground ever gave out beneath my feet.
I have yet to utter a single word, and yet the way he holds me says he understands what I’m feeling all too well. Is it possible that he feels the same way? Like one minute you see your life one way and the next it’s completely different? That one moment has the power to change everything.
It’s terrifying and liberating all at the same time. It’s something I’ve never experienced and honestly, something I never expected to.
“I think I’m in love with you,” I blurt aloud, my voice sounding more like a stranger’s than my own.
“You think or you know?” He pulls back, the look on his face enough to send another round of overwhelming emotion surging through me.
“I know.”
Ant smiles above me, the kind of smile that makes the earth feel like it’s moving beneath me.
“Fuck, Kingsley. Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to hear those words come out of your mouth?” He pushes my hair away from my forehead and studies me for a long moment.
“I’m in,” I say, knowing that after what I just experienced there is no way I can walk away from him now. “I want this. I want you.” I reach up and cup his face, pulling his mouth back down to mine.
“It’s always been you, Bree,” he mutters between kisses. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I’m so fucking in love with you.”
It doesn’t take long for our bodies to stir back to life, and once they do the rest of the world fades away. There is no ‘what happens tomorrow’ running through my head, no doubts or fears of what the future will hold. There’s just the acceptance of what my heart has been trying to tell me for weeks—that I love this man.
With him, there is no past Bree or present Bree.
There is no girl I was versus who I am now.
There is only me. Just Bree.
A girl who has lived her life in hiding in the dark and is now ready to step into the light. A girl who finally believes she deserves happiness. Because that’s what Anthony does for me. He makes me see myself through his eyes, past the mistakes and the pain, to a girl who is worthy of love.
I know what I want now.
I know what I need.
And it’s him.
I think maybe it’s always been him…