Noise coming from the kitchen stirs me from sleep. I open my eyes, blinking around my living room. Pushing up on my elbows, I see Court, who is curled up on the opposite end of the couch as me, still fast asleep.
Glancing to my right, I spot the blanket Tess used last night folded neatly in the armchair and figure it must be her in the kitchen. Careful not to disturb Court, I slide off the couch and head directly toward the bathroom, feeling like my bladder and head are both going to explode at any moment.
Taking a few minutes, I use the restroom, wash my face, and brush my teeth before finally making my way back out into the living area. When I spot Ant in the kitchen, my heart instantly picks up speed and I quickly make my way toward him, stopping in the doorway when I spot Jack standing on a chair in front of the stove next to Ant, a spatula in his hand.
“What are you doing here?” I question Ant before dropping a quick kiss on Jackson’s temple. “Morning, baby.”
“Morning, Mama.” He grins, showing me the spatula. “I’m helping Ant-man make breakfast,” he states proudly.
“You are?” I smile back at him. “What are you making?” I ask, looking down at the slices of bread in the pan.
“We’re making you and Aunt Courtney French toast.”
“That sounds amazing.” I glance over to Ant and repeat my earlier question. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at Sebastian’s?”
“I couldn’t sleep. Headed back earlier. Tess was leaving just as I got here. You and Court were still sleeping when Jack woke up.” He nods toward my son. “Making breakfast was his idea.”
“It was?” I smile at Jack, watching Ant help him flip the two pieces of French toast in the pan.
The sight, like so many others I’ve witnessed between the two of them, warms me to my core. Ant is so good with Jack, so patient and loving. To anyone who may not know our situation, I’m sure they would just assume Ant is his father because that’s just how much he adores Jack. How special and rare that is, is not lost on me.
“Ant let me break the eggs too,” Jack quickly adds.
“Before long you’re going to be a master chef,” I say, running my hand along the soft strands of his brown hair. “I’ll let you two finish up here. I’m going to go hop in the shower,” I say, giving Ant a soft smile before backing out of the kitchen.
I spend twenty minutes under a stream of scalding hot water, trying like hell to scrub away the thoughts of what life could be like if I took the selfish route. Turning Ant away doesn’t just hurt me. It hurts Jackson too.
He loves Ant, and I have no doubt that Ant loves him. I could be denying my son the opportunity to have a real man in his life. Someone who he can learn from, look up to, go to when he needs advice. I want that for my child more than I want happiness for myself. But Ant can give us both happiness.
“He’s not yours,” I remind myself as I dry my hair off with a towel and slide into a pair of yoga pants and a dark gray tank. “Stop planning a life that can never be,” I continue, scolding myself in the mirror.
By the time I exit the bathroom several minutes later, I’m no less conflicted. If anything, I’m more so. It certainly doesn’t help the situation when I walk out into the living area and hear Courtney laughing in the kitchen.
“Fucking great,” I mutter under my breath before stepping into the doorway.
My eyes land on Ant first. He’s leaning against the counter, arms crossed over his chest, wide smile on his face, and his gaze locked on Courtney who is standing in the same position directly across from him—her smile even wider.
Jealousy is the first and most prominent thing I feel. I know I have no right to feel jealous. I have no right to feel anything where Ant is concerned. But it’s not something I can help either. I can’t stop it any more than I can stop the way my heart skips a beat every time he looks at me with those incredible gray-blue eyes of his.
Court is the first to sense my presence, her smile turning on me the moment she realizes I’m standing in the doorway.
“Morning.” She grins.
“Morning.” I return her smile even though the last thing I feel like doing is smiling. “Where’s Jack?” I look around, noticing the large plate of French toast next to the stove before finally meeting Ant’s gaze.
“He went to change his clothes. He didn’t want to eat without you.” He no more than says the words when I feel arms wrap around my waist from behind.
“Hey, buddy,” I say, turning slightly to ruffle his already messy hair. “You ready to eat?”
“Me and Ant-man made you special toast, Mama,” he says, gesturing to the small four-person table behind me.
“You did?” I question, turning around, not sure how I didn’t notice the plate and juice sitting at my normal spot at the table. “Well, let’s see here.” I walk to the table, allowing Jack to pull my chair out before taking a seat. “Such a gentleman.” I smile, watching as he lifts the cover off my plate, revealing two slices of French toast sprinkled with powdered sugar—Love written on one piece and you written on the other with what looks like red gel icing.
“Do you like it?” Jack bounces excitedly next to me.
“Are you kidding, buddy? I love it.” I turn and kiss his cheek. “Why don’t you go get your plate, and we can eat together.”
“Okay.” He quickly skips off into the kitchen, him and Ant returning just seconds later with a plate for both of them as well as Court.
We all sit around the table and engage in easy conversation while we eat, or at least I pretend like it’s easy. Truth be told, this situation is more than a little uncomfortable for me. Court talks to Jack about Kindergarten while Ant and I watch on, exchanging glances across the table at one another every so often.
I remind myself over and over again of the promise I made myself last night, but everything feels so different now that the fog of the wine has lifted and Ant is sitting across from me looking so handsome; it’s impossible not to swoon a little.
After breakfast Courtney grabs her bag from the living room and excuses herself to the shower while Ant and I work on cleaning up breakfast. He stands next to me at the sink, not saying a single word until we hear the bathroom door shut followed by the shower turning on seconds later.
“I take it you haven’t spoken to her,” he speaks softly, taking the plate from my hand and rinsing it before stacking it in the strainer to dry.
“I couldn’t,” I admit, keeping my attention focused on the dishes in front of me.
“But you’re still going to, right? Before she leaves?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, feeling his gaze on the side of my face.
“What do you mean—you don’t know, Bree?” His voice is low, and there’s a clear hint of irritation in it.
“I just… I’ve been thinking, and maybe this isn’t a good idea.” I hold my breath, waiting for his response.
“What isn’t a good idea? Telling Courtney right now? Or us?”
“Any of it,” I admit, finally glancing in his direction. The look on his face nearly brings me to my knees, a combination of anger and confusion I wasn’t quite prepared for.
“Come here.” He takes the plate from my hand and drops it back into the water before grabbing my elbow and steering me toward my bedroom.
I peek over at Jack who’s sitting on the couch watching cartoons, completely oblivious to anything going on.
“Explain, now,” Ant demands the second we enter my room, shutting the door behind him.
“There’s nothing to explain. I just don’t think I can do this.” I gesture between the two of us.
“Bullshit.” He calls my bluff. “Tell me the truth, Bree.”
“Why do you want me to talk to her anyway?” I ask, my voice breaking in the middle of the question.
“I think I made that pretty clear last weekend.”
“But I mean really, what do you think will come out of this?” My voice rises slightly, and I have to fight down the emotion rising in it. “You don’t just get me, you get Jack too. Do you really want to take that on?”
“Are you really asking me this right now?” He seems more than a little offended by my statement. “I fucking love that boy, you know I do.”
“Loving him and being a parent to him are two very different things.”
“You think I don’t know that? And I’m not asking to be his father, Bree. I’m asking for his mother to give me the chance to love her. We will figure the rest out from there.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to love me.”
“Maybe it’s too late for that,” he says, taking a step toward me.
“I can’t hurt her,” I blurt, holding my hand up to stop him from coming any closer. “The way she talked about you last night, like she’s still just as crazy about you as she was five years ago… I can’t betray her this way.”
“So what then, you just give up what we have because of how she feels? What about how I feel, Bree? What about how you feel?”
“You think this is what I want? To end things between us? This isn’t about me, or you for that matter. This is about her.” I gesture in the general vicinity of the bathroom. “You have no idea the things that girl has done for me.”
“Then repay her friendship by telling her the truth. Be honest with her and with yourself. Pushing me away isn’t going to change the way you feel; if anything, it’s only going to make things worse. You know where I stand, Bree. I want to be with you. But I can’t make you want to be with me too. You need to make a choice and stick with it. Either you’re telling Courtney the truth or you’re not. Either you want to be with me or you don’t. Either we’ll make a go at this or won’t. But don’t string me along, and don’t fucking play games with me.”
“This isn’t a game,” I croak, fighting back the tears that threaten to spill over.
“Do you want to be with me?” Ant takes a step forward, his gaze focused on mine.
“Ant.”
“Answer the question, Bree. Yes or no. Take everything and everyone else out of the equation. Right now, it’s just us. Just you and me. Do you want to be with me?” He takes another step until he’s standing directly in front of me, his hands coming out to cup my face.
“You know I do.” It’s barely a whisper on my lips.
“Then be with me,” he pleads, bending his knees so that we are standing eye level.
“You make it sound so simple,” I croak out, barely keeping my shit together.
“It is that simple.”
“For you maybe.”
“Fine, then I’ll tell her,” he says, not the least bit surprised when I push his hands away from my face and take a full step back.
“You wouldn’t.”
“I would, and I will.”
“You can’t insert yourself into our friendship like that. It’s not your place,” I bite, voice shaking.
“But it’s about me, so it is my place. Courtney deserves the truth, you said so yourself. So I’ll tell her if you can’t.” His voice is soft, but the threat is real; I can see it in his eyes.
“There’s nothing to tell her because this isn’t going to happen.” I find strength from somewhere down deep and stand my ground.
“So just like that,” he laughs bitterly. “You don’t even give me a chance before you’re slamming the door in my face.”
“You know why I can’t,” I plead.
“No, I know why you won’t, and it has nothing to do with Courtney.”
“Ant.” I barely get the words out before he’s spinning on his heel and exiting the bedroom, leaving me standing alone wondering what the hell just happened.
I hear the bathroom door open seconds later, and I quickly move to close my door. I can’t face Court right now. My emotions are so all over the place, coupled with the threat that Ant might very well tell Court the truth, and I feel like I’m seconds away from melting down right here on the spot.
It takes me several moments to collect myself enough that I feel comfortable exiting my bedroom. I step into the living room to find Court and Ant lounging on the couch talking over top of Jackson, who’s sitting between them still watching television.
My first thought is this is how it should be. Ant and Court, they’ve always made sense. He and I have never made sense. I’m not good for him. Hell, I’m not good for anyone. But God if I don’t want to be.
Both sets of eyes go to me the minute I step fully into the room, and if my stomach wasn’t already a mess of nerves, it would be when Ant’s gaze narrows in on my face.
“Okay, well I’m gonna run out for a bit,” he announces after a long moment, pushing off of the couch.
“Where you headed?” I try to sound as casual as possible, but I’m not really sure how successful I am.
“I have a few errands to run, some shopping to do.” He shrugs. “You need anything while I’m out?” he asks as he slides on his shoes.
“No, I’m good.”
“Hey, Ant, before you go,” Courtney interjects, sliding forward to the edge of the couch. “Would you maybe want to have dinner with me tonight,” she asks.
My eyes dart between the two of them, my stomach twisting so tightly I feel paralyzed by the pain.
“Yeah, I’d like that. I should be back by five.” He smiles at Court before turning to Jack. “See you later, buddy.” He waves at Jackson who looks up for only a second before his attention goes back to the show.
Ant smiles to himself, barely even looking my way before he opens the door and quickly exits the apartment.