My feet grip hard metal and my hands pull me up faster and faster, to the top of the forty foot high training tower. I’m the first one to the top— as I should be, or I wouldn’t deserve this job— and as soon as I’m secure in my position at the top of the tower I retrieve my stopwatch.
“Trainees, you have less than a minute to get up here!” I yell down at the men clamoring to the top of the tower behind me.
Some of them make it but there are quite a few stragglers arriving at the top, winded and out of breath. The last one is obviously a bit overweight and I wonder how he didn’t already get weeded out.
“You! Trainee Garrison!” I yell at him, after looking at the name emblazoned on his uniform. “What makes you think you have what it takes to be a United States Air Force Pararescueman?”
“I… uh…” he stammers, panting, red and visibly embarrassed. “I passed the physical tests and…”
“That’s nothing, you sack of shit loser,” I shout at him, getting up in his face and daring him to push me away. "I was a Navy SEAL and I'm here to tell you that being in the Air Force, even Special Ops, is a piece of cake compared to that. If you can't do this simple training exercise, you're not going to be able to make it."
I think of all the times my buddies saved me and others while we were at war— and all the times I saved them— and I can’t imagine this portly pathetic excuse of a trainee doing anything like what we did. It’s better to kill any false hope that he has now, instead of stringing him along, making him think he’s got a chance.
“And all the rest of you, listen up!” I shout, and everyone stands straight at attention, as if I’m their superior.
But I’m not. I’m something better. I’m a trainer, working for a private contractor employed to teach these new recruits what I spent years learning and practicing as a SEAL. The normal rules of the military don’t apply here, and for once I’m glad I’m no longer a part of it.
“If you didn’t clear this tower in time, there’s no way I’m letting you out on the rocks. Here you’re grasping cold, hard metal but in the real world it’s slippery and unpredictable terrain. There’s a rigorous test you’ll have to pass if you ever want to make it off this tower and onto the mountain. We don’t let just anyone do this.”
“Yes sir,” they mumble, most of them looking earnest and eager. But Tub of Lard just looks scared. I snarl at him and nearly spit in his face, trying my best to show him he doesn’t belong here, before he fails the test and gets sent home anyway.
“Do you understand, Trainee Garrison?” I yell into his face. “This is no place for stragglers. There is no room for you here.”
“Yes sir, Yes Trainor Bradford,” he huffs, looking as if he’s going to cry. Good, I hope he goes home to cry to his mommy and never comes back.
I look away from him with disgust and notice my new boss staring at me from the observation deck. I inwardly wince, prepared to be “talked to” about my “unpredictable and sometimes out of control” temper. But instead he gives me an approving nod.
Whew. I’d forgotten this isn’t the military. This is the private, civilian world. They like my “craziness” here. So, I guess I’d better embrace my new circumstances.
“When you get down to the bottom, have a good think about whether or not you really have what it takes to be here. And that goes for all of you. I’m going home. You pussies aren’t worth my time.”
On my way home, I call my brother Ramsey. I took my car to work so that I could bring all the equipment I can’t load onto my motorcycle. But I sure wish I could be riding the open road right now instead of enclosed in a car. I always think better on my bike.
“What up, lil bro?” he asks, his strong, deep voice sounding knowing and reassuring. “How’s the world of the evil private enterprise treating you?”
Even though Ramsey is only my older brother by a little more than a year, he’s always been my rock.
“I can’t complain,” I tell him, and realize it’s true. “You know, I really wanted to stay in the unit with you and Harlow and all the guys. But my style of leadership is accepted here instead of punished. So, I guess it was meant to be.”
“Well, you got out just in time,” Ramsey says, his voice dropping almost to a whisper. “There are rumors that you might get convicted of that assault charge, and that would have only lead to a dishonorable discharge.”
“I’m not going to be convicted.” I want to reach through the phone and punch him.
How dare he lose faith in me?
My mind flashes back to when he advised me to get out of the military right away, after everything had gone down that lead to the assault charge. He said the timing was right: I was up to renew or leave, and no questions would be asked.
But if I stayed past the time I was charged with a civil crime, I would be investigated and likely dishonorably discharged. I guess my big brother just wants to gloat and say I told you so.
“I know you’re not going to be convicted,” he says. “Calm down, Mr. Hotshot. I’m just telling you, brother to brother, what the word on the street is, so that if you hear it through the grapevine, you’re not surprised. They said your best bet is to go with the old PTSD defense, but couldn’t that stain your career as well, since you’ve mentioned possibly wanting to join back up?”
There’s something almost inquisitive in his voice, as if he’s doing a research paper instead of talking to me as his brother. It’s not like Ramsey to be asking me questions. We had already talked about the PTSD defense so I don't really understand why he's bringing it up again, and acting as if he's the one convincing me not to use it, when I'm the one who was against it in the first place. But I have no time to dwell on it, because I’m beginning to get impatient.
“I’m not going with the PTSD defense. I already told you that.”
“Jensen, I know why you did what you did. I think everything will turn out just fine. Justice has to be on your side.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” My tone is half serious, half sarcastic. “I’ve gotta go. There’s another call I have to make.”
“Okay.” His voice sounds a bit regretful, as if he doesn’t want me to hang up. I think about asking him how he’s doing, but that sounds like such a silly question.
He’s Ramsey, always a steady eddy type of guy. I’m the loose cannon, not him.
“Let’s meet up for a beer later,” I say, anxious to get off the phone.
“Sure. Or whenever works best for you.”
I hang up and call the legal organization. It takes a minute for Tim to come to the phone and I’m about to honk my car horn at him, as if that would help speed things up. I just need to do right this second what I should have done a long time ago.
“Jensen?” he says, as soon as he picks up. “I’m sorry for the delay, I was meeting with…”
“That’s fine, Tim. I understand. I just wanted to let you know, I’m going to need another lawyer.”
“Another lawyer? I don’t understand. Dylan is the best we have, and he’s done such a good job preparing your case so far.”
“You and I can agree to disagree on that,” I tell him. “But I know my rights and I’m entitled to fire him if I want to, even though the organization is footing the bill. I’ll take someone different please.”
I’m willing to take my chances with a less than subpar lawyer. There’s no way I’m going to get the reputation of being “crazy” around the unit I spent the last decade serving with. There has to be some other lawyer who will listen to me about not wanting to go with the PTSD defense.
Will it be the newbie with the hot ass? I both hope that it is and it isn’t, at the same time. I don’t want some part-time over-achiever on my case. But I’d sure like to tap that and I don’t see how I’d have any other opportunity.
Tim sighs, as if I’m driving him crazy. I have the tendency to have that effect on people.
“All right, Jensen. I’ll see what I can do to get a new lawyer up to speed in time for your pretrial conference that’s only two days away at this point.”
His tone is clearly meant to signal how much I’m inconveniencing him. But I say a sincere “Thank you very much, Tim,” and hang up, ready to toss the dice on a lawyer that will take me seriously about not wanting to use a bullshit PTSD defense just because it’s “the thing to do” and not because it’s what’s best for my case or for me.