I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go see Brian again. On the one hand, I couldn’t forget the feeling that overcame me every time I saw Brian. Since I’d seen him on the field that first night after five years, that feeling had been haunting me. When we’d had sex, I’d realized what that feeling meant.

Wouldn’t it be a shame to throw all that away? You didn’t get that kind of attraction with just anyone. I was hesitant to label it, but that feeling meant something to me. If I decided not to go, I would be giving up on that feeling, and it was a very serious decision to make.

What if I never found that feeling again? What if no one else ever made me feel the way I felt about Brian? Even when he was a stranger to me, something about him felt familiar, comfortable. Something about him felt like home.

On the other hand, I didn’t know if I had what it took to ride the wave of infamy that came with being with Brian. Since we’d done anything serious, the paparazzi had picked up our trail, and now, no matter what we did, we were in the papers. I was struggling enough as it was. I didn’t need this kind of drama in my life.

Brian was a great guy, but I didn’t remember everything he did. It felt unfair to expect something so big from me, when anyone else in the same headspace as me would have an equal blank page to begin with. Even with Brian trying to get to know me just as a friend, he still had all the memories that I’d lost. Holding them back didn’t change the fact that they were there.

I felt like I was at a disadvantage with Brian because he would always know more about me than I knew about him. He would always expect it to be the kind of love he remembered us sharing. How would I know what that was? What if I ended up being one colossal disappointment? I didn’t know if I could handle that.

I phoned Lorraine.

“I don’t know what to do,” I told her. “A part of me wants to go. Another part wants to tell him to leave me alone and never come back.”

“Maybe you should go,” Lorraine said. “He’s really trying hard for you. You’ve pushed him away so many times. Any other man would have run for the hills, but he keeps trying. That’s got to mean something. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone enough to endure that kind of rejection repeatedly.”

The word love shocked me like a bolt of electricity. It shouldn’t have. I’d known since I picked him up drunk that he still loved me. It was the biggest reason I slept with him. Feeling that loved and feeling something similar for him made me close my eyes and jump, hoping he would catch me.

I never gave him a chance to prove to me that he could, though. Every time he was willing to be there for me, I was the one that ran away. 

“Will you come with me?” I asked. “He’s arranged tickets for both of us.”

Lorraine agreed. “It will be cool to sit in the stands for a change and not be on the field or in the locker rooms.”

The game was at the Hard Rock Stadium, home of the Florida Sharks, and the atmosphere was electric. Everywhere, fans were dressed in the team’s aqua and orange colors.

I hadn’t dressed up. Lorraine had put on an orange top to join in the fun. I’d picked up the tickets from the ticket office, following the instructions Brian had sent me.

Lorraine took the tickets from me. “These are box seat tickets,” she said. “We’re watching in style today.”

I hadn’t noticed. Brian had gotten us the best of the best. I was starting to get excited. Box seats at a Sharks game, even though it was still preseason, was enough to get anyone worked up. I had expected it to be empty, but the stadium was slowly filling up.

We were escorted to our seats, and I burst out laughing. They were called 72 Club Living Room Box seats. The chairs were leather with brown partitions between the rows and television screens with the game up close while you could view the actual field from the 35-yard line. The seats were wider, with more legroom, and the seats had their own in-seat service.

When we sat down, someone came to take our food and drink orders. It included alcohol, and Lorraine and I both ordered wine.

I couldn’t believe it. Everything about Brian, all the way down to his football games, were the definition of luxury. I had never watched a game in style like this. It was new and exciting, and it made me feel like I was part of the rich and famous.

Hell, I was already in the papers like one of them.

“Hello,” said a woman seated to my left. She had a chubby, cherubic looking baby on her lap. “You must be Sadie. I’m Lacey, Hanson’s wife. And this is my best friend Kina.”

She held out her hand towards a woman seated on her far side of us.

“Nice to meet you,” I told her, as I introduced Lorraine and we all shook hands with each other.

And it really was. It was calming to know that other women did this crazy thing— dated a football player— and that sometimes it turned out okay. Sometimes they appeared to live relatively sane lives, with marriage and a baby included.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Lacey said. “And yes, it really is possible to date a football player.”

I laughed, loudly and freely for the first time in a while. I already liked this Lacey chick. And I was glad we had come.

The glasses of wine arrived. We watched as the seats filled with locals, wearing the fan colors. 

I sipped the wine. Lorraine had ordered a platter when the wine arrived, and it was delivered soon after. We nibbled on the food and sipped the wine. God, we were living the life.

“You know what, Sades?” Lorraine asked. I looked at her. “I know this is hard and everything, but there are perks to dating a pro player. All of this is really nice.”

I laughed and nodded. “It is really nice. And you’re right about there being perks.”

“Uh huh,” Lacey said from beside us, winking at us.

Her baby reached out to take my hand, so I let him.

“Awww, what a cute little guy.”

“Thanks,” she said, with a smile. “But I’m not sure you’d say that while changing his diaper at three in the morning.”

“No,” I told her, laughing while I curled my finger around the baby’s. “I don’t think I would.”

My thoughts returned to dwelling on Brian. I didn’t tell Lorraine that the money and the luxury weren’t as important to me as the emotions behind everything. I was still unsure about what I felt, but we were having a good time, and the seats were amazing.

I told myself to just relax and have fun. But I never seemed to be very good at that and I was nervous about whatever was going to happen— or not— between Brian and me.