Present Day and Back Then

 

I thought not speaking to Brian would make everything better again. I had pushed him away the first time, and it had helped. All the reminders of everything forgotten had gone away with him, and I had been able to move on with my life. Or at least, what had been left of it.

This time, that hadn’t happened at all. In fact, pushing him away had just seemed to cement him in my mind, and I couldn’t forget about him at all.

It didn’t help that he was on the news, and anyone who talked about football reminded me of him. And I worked at the Sharks’ facility with the girls. What if I saw him again?

I hadn’t seen him since Sunday, but two days wasn’t enough to know I wouldn’t see him again.

Chances were I would, even if it was just on television.

On Tuesday evening, I trained with the girls again. It was a normal training session. The girls were in top shape and doing well. I’d started training with them instead of standing on the sidelines and calling the shots. I missed being active. I missed using my body and pushing myself to the limits.

Working so hard physically also helped me feel grounded. While the adrenaline flowed and I focused on doing everything precisely, I didn’t think about anything at all. During the times I trained or went for a run, I didn’t think about Brian, and that was the only peace I found.

Tonight, I had thought about not training my squad. I could let Lorraine do it. I was getting sick of pushing them too hard, and I was burning out. I knew when I had to stop, that even though getting away from my thoughts sounded like the best idea, I wasn’t going to sacrifice my health and well-being for it.

But I hadn’t listened to myself, so here I was, doing the only thing I knew how to do— trying to push through the pain, both emotionally and physically. That’s what this sport was about, and it had served me well during the last five years.

“Well done, girls,” I called when they completed the routine without a hitch. “Let’s do it again.”

They complained. I laughed and shook my head.

“We don’t train until we get it right. We train until we can’t get it wrong.” 

I froze. Brian had always said that. I didn’t know how I knew, but I knew.

A memory slammed into my mind so clear, so undeniably a memory and not a fantasy or a dream, I couldn’t breathe.

Sophomore year was my favorite. We weren’t the babies of the school anymore, and senior year was still far enough off that we didn’t have to worry. Life was all about making good enough grades to pass, but not so serious that we needed to get into college yet. Life was perfect. I had great friends, my cheerleading was going better than ever, and I had a place where I belonged.

“I don’t think I’m going to Charlie’s party tonight,” I said to Breanna, my best friend.

“Come on, Sadie. The whole team is going to be there. You can’t miss out on it. We do everything together.”

I rolled my eyes, but she was right. We did everything together, and I liked spending time with my friends.

“The parties get a little out of hand sometimes. And you know Charlie is going to try get alcohol. What if the police show up this time?”

Breanna shook her head. “You stress too much.”

I shrugged. Maybe she was right.

Which was why I ended up going. Charlie’s house was huge, and everyone that wasn’t a junior had arrived, whether they were invited or not. All my friends were there. We were all dressed in our cheering outfits, a picture perfect squad, a team united.

But I wasn’t feeling it. The loud music, the inevitable alcohol. It just wasn’t my scene tonight.

I walked out onto the terrace and leaned against the rail that looked out over the lawn.

“Are you okay out here?” someone asked behind me.

When I turned, Brian stood behind me. He was on the football team, and we saw each other often during training and games, but we’d never really spoken to each other.

He was so hot, though. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me. Tingles ran down my spine as I lowered my eyes away from his intense, handsome ones, only to end up staring at his broad shoulders and chest. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him.

“Just getting some air,” I said.

“It’s a little crazy in there, tonight,” he said, and I blinked at him as he came to stand next to me. “Sometimes I prefer a quiet night.”

“You don’t always like to drink and party and scope the girls? Not a lot of guys would admit to that,” I said.

Brian shrugged. “I’m not a lot of guys. I’m me.”

I nodded. That was true.

“Do you want to go sit down there, on the grass?” he asked.

I hesitated a second. What would they think if I disappeared with Brian? I only wondered a moment before I decided I didn’t care. I nodded, and he smiled.

We walked down to the grass and sat under a tree, looking back at the house. We could hear the faint thud of music and the laughter scattering through the crowds, and I felt oddly removed from it.

I liked it.

We started talking. We talked about everything. What we liked, our hobbies, and dreams. I wanted to go to college and have a career that would help other people and change lives. I didn’t know what yet. I wanted to be on the cheerleading squad at college. He wanted to play pro ball. He told me he could tell I was going places, that I could do whatever I set my mind to.

He seemed so sure of it, and then I realized it’s because it was the philosophy that he himself lived by. It was refreshing to find someone so inspirational and positive, when most of the kids my age were complaining about trivial things like not being able to buy beer, or that the latest hit album that was always playing on the radio sucked.

I was supposed to stay over at Breanna’s house, but I didn’t want to go back inside and look for her. I didn’t want to break the bubble Brian and I were caught in. We talked all night.

The sun finally rose over the horizon. I huddled into the jacket he’d given me against the cold, and he sat close to me so our bodies heated each other without being inappropriate.

It was as if he just wanted to get to know me for me, although he was also very complimentary about my looks, my body. He was the perfect gentleman. As if he had just stepped out of some romance novel.

I looked up at him as the golden rays of the sun kissed his sandy hair, and I realized I liked this boy. I could love this boy, if I wanted to.

When he turned to me, he smiled as if he knew.

I pressed my hands against my chest. My head ached dully, and the scar throbbed. I raised my fingers to it.

“Coach?” one of the girl asked me.

I shook my head while trying to shake away the image. But I shouldn’t try to push it away. It could be dangerous to remember it and follow wherever the memory might take me in the here and now, but, it was also all I had. I didn’t want to regret not savoring it enough, like the other memories that had come and gone.

“Yeah, good,” I said. “I think that’s enough for tonight.”

I realized I probably wasn’t going to be able to erase the memory from my mind even if tried. It had been so vivid. It seemed much more permanent than the other memories.

I pulled out my phone and scrolled to Brian’s number in my contacts list. Was I making a mistake?

I texted him anyway.

Let’s meet up at Blue Collar for dinner, after all?

It was silly and I felt like a middle schooler. But it was also scary and I kept wondering how I would feel if he said no.

But a moment later, I caught my breath as my phone vibrated. He had replied.

My pleasure, he said. Should I pick you up?

I liked that he wasn’t being pushy. He was letting me take the reins. I think I needed that right now. And, because I was afraid of having another panic attack and not being able to get out of there, I decided that him picking me up wasn’t the greatest idea.

I’ll just meet you there, I texted him. 8 pm?

Sounds great, he responded. See you there.

Oh, my God. I officially had a date with my ex boyfriend. That I could kind of remember, just a tiny bit.

I refrained from doing a happy dance, since my girls would think I had gone insane. I knew it didn’t seem like big progress, but I was celebrating any kind of baby step I was able to take.