The following Thursday, I played the first preseason game of the year. It wasn’t with the team I’d been training with but rather with second and third stringers, but this was where I was supposed to prove myself. I was aware of the pressures.

I was fitter than I thought I would be after my break from the game. Football is a lot of short bursts of running followed by a lot of standing around, and I made it through without barely even getting winded. 

Sure, my lungs burned the way they did in training, and I had a feeling I needed to put in a lot more time on the treadmill, but I was getting there. I was a fucking beast compared to some of the more seasoned men on the team who took their status for granted and eased off on their training.

I was different, always working out in the gym with Brian and Hanson and others who were diehard athletes. It was great to know my hard work was paying off, at least.

The other great thing was that the rest of the guys I played with were all just as eager to prove themselves as I was. They had no reason to do me in, in any way, and I could play without worrying that any of them would want to make me look bad. There was comfort in knowing I could prove myself without any of the extras.

Coach Rudi and the whole damn Sharks first stringers were watching. I had a lot to prove.

By the end of the game, I felt like I had done exactly that. I had playe this gamed my heart out on that field. Not only had we won, but I had proven to myself that I still had what it took. And that was a great thing to know.

After the game, I walked to the locker room to shower and get dressed. I was pulling on my tracksuit pants and shirt when the rest of the team came into the locker room to talk to everyone who’d played.

There was a lot of congratulating going around, with some of the other team members talking to the second and thirds I’d been playing with.

A few of my own teammates stood off to one corner, bitching like little girls.

“There’s not much to prove when Lawson is playing with the second and third stringers,” Markus said. “How do we know he’s good enough? Keeping up with them is child’s play.”

“The system is rigged,” another player said. Markus had followers, and it made him arrogant, encouraging him to be an ass.

“I’m telling you, this is bullshit. Before you know it, we’ll have to play with guys straight out of school.”

The high of the game started wearing off, replaced by a horrible sinking feeling in my gut. It didn’t matter how well I played, did it? These guys would never accept me. I’d given it my all today, and it had meant nothing. Those fuckers were going to be against me no matter what.

I glanced at the other players. Coach Rudi was chatting to them, and I wondered for a moment if I would be replaced. But I shook it off.

They traded someone for me for a reason, I told myself. We had a contract. Kina wouldn’t have been assigned as my PR manager if they didn’t plan on using me for the Sharks. If my image mattered to them, I mattered to them.

“Football is nothing more than politics and entertainment these days,” Markus said.  “If you can create drama, you get publicity.”

He looked at me as he said it. Was he talking about the assault? If he thought that had been all about drama, he knew nothing about me and nothing about the case.

God, I wanted to hit this asshole square in the face. He was one of those guys who deserved a good beating just so that he would stop running his mouth.

Of course, that would just get me right back where I’d started. There was a reason they’d wanted me to sign a clause about violence. Maybe Coach had known Markus would rub me the wrong way, and he’d planned to stop bloodshed from happening.

“You shouldn’t listen to him, you know,” Brian said, coming to stand next to me. It seemed like he was looking out for me. Big of him. “He’s just being a dick. He tries to get into everyone’s heads.”

“Is that how it works in this team?” I asked.

Brian shook his head. “No, but there will always be people who try to get you down. Surely, you know this by now.”

I nodded. I did know that. Once upon a time, it had been Kyle, my former best friend, who had started making me believe I was doing the wrong thing for going after my dream because he never got a shot at his own. That’s when he had become my former best friend. There had been people trying to get in my way for a long time.

This time, it was rubbing me up the wrong way because I had so much of a history to begin with. And because I hated that I was thinking about Kyle. I had left that in the past, until his twin sister showed up to remind me of his existence. I was already in a bad place, and I didn’t need things to get worse for me.

“Shut up, Markus,” Hanson said, walking past them to join us.

Markus glared at Hanson before looking at me. He smiled a slow, malicious smile.

“It’s nice you’ve got yourself some bodyguards. They can’t always protect you, you know.”

“Ignore him,” Hanson said, turning his back to Markus. “He’s not worth your time. He’s just sour.”

“Because I’m here?” I asked.

Hanson shook his head.

“Because he might be traded,” Brian said before Hanson could. “He heard a rumor a while ago, and now he’s making life miserable for everyone else because he has no control over his own life.”

I nodded. I guessed that made sense.

“You should ignore him. He goes away eventually. He’ll get bored if you don’t respond and then find someone else to bother. He’s like a child who doesn’t get what he wants.”

Putting it like that, it made me feel a little better but not by much. I didn’t want ripples. I didn’t want to get into arguments or fights. I just wanted to play football and do me. Was that so fucking hard to understand?

“Come on,” Brian said, clapping me on the back. It was a thing with him, apparently. “Our women are shopping together, so we have at least another three hours to kill. Come have a drink with us.”

Hanson chuckled, and I agreed. I didn’t know where else to go, and being with them made me feel better.

We left the locker room and made our way up to Liv, the full bar and club at Hard Rock Stadium. We sat down at the bar, and the guys ordered beer. I asked for water. I couldn’t put alcohol in my system right after a game. It would fuck me over completely.

“Wise choice,” Brian said.

“Pussy,” Hanson chirped, and in those two responses was everything I needed to know about the type of guys they were. I liked them, I had to admit it. And I appreciated them sticking up for me against Markus and trying their best to make me feel at home

I just didn’t know if I could trust them yet. I didn’t trust a lot of people, and even so, the one person I’d trusted with everything had cheated on me. Of course, that had nothing to do with Hanson and Brian because I wasn’t exactly going to date them, but trust feels the same all around, and being stabbed in the back fucking hurts, no matter who does it.

So, we drank together and made small talk. I wanted to be friends with them. I wanted to be able to relax around them. I just couldn’t. Not yet.

“Tell me about the chick in the bar,” Brian said after he and Hanson had bickered back and forth about the score a little bit.

“What chick?” I asked.

“You know, the blonde one the other night when we were at the Batting Cage.”

Oh. That one.

“She was just a quick fuck,” I said, shrugging.

Hanson glanced at Brian, and I wasn’t sure what they were thinking or trying to say to each other. I was on my guard. It wasn’t wrong to have casual sex.

“What about it?” I asked when they didn’t respond.

“We aren’t interested in your sex life,” Hanson said, as if I was accusing them of nosiness. “We have good ones of our own. And we’re not trying to gossip. But Lacey brought up that you were… seeing… her friend, and I put two and two together and realized it was probably the PR manager. That could be problematic.”

“Yeah. We saw it in the tabloids,” Brian said. “It might be why the guys are so hard on you.”

I nodded.  I knew it was. But it was still fucking unfair.

“That was a different girl. She was a bitch,” I said. “But I’m not going to be celibate or anything.”

Hanson laughed. “God, no. I would never suggest that. Just choose your women wisely. And maybe sleeping with your PR manager isn’t the best idea, although, I’m telling you this out of life experience more than lecturing you, because that would make me a hypocrite. Seriously. Ask me— someone who knows. I’ve been in the tabloids for sex scandals more than I can count. And I know that sometimes you can’t resist, and sometimes things turn out okay. Just, use discretion.”

I nodded. I heard what he was saying. I just had to be careful.

My thoughts jumped to Kina right away. God, that had been hot sex. Both times. This last time even hotter than before even though it was more subdued, more serene.

I hadn’t ever felt it with someone the way I had felt with her, but I had wanted to be with her. I’d wanted to get my rocks off before, but with her it was different. It was the kind of things people spoke about when they were hopeless romantics.

But she was my PR manager. It was the opposite of me being careful, as the guys were advising me to do. Doing Kina was the most dangerous thing because if it came out, it wouldn’t just be my career at risk but hers, too.

But she wouldn’t tell anyone. Somehow, I knew that. Sure, she told her best friend, but she wasn’t like the girl who went blabbing to the blogosphere or tabloids. Kina was discreet.

It wasn’t just to protect herself, either. I didn’t know how I knew, but Kina was the kind who would keep it to herself because it was the right thing to do. And I wouldn’t let something like that happen again, anyway.

I would do the right thing, too, and not sleep with her again.

Not if I could help it.

God, I was in trouble.